Talking/flirting with a married man. I know it's wrong

[Greyandwhite]

I know I'm a horrible person and I expect to be completely flamed for posting this

I'm not even sure how it got started. We met in work over a month ago, got chatting, had a bit of a laugh but I noticed the wedding ring and that was that. I'm 24 and he's 37. Was talking to another male colleague a few days later and the topic came up, I told him I thought he was attractive but knew he was married. Told him in confidence so didn't really expect him to say anything as I knew nothing could ever happen but I guess men gossip to...

This was over a month ago now and I haven't seen him since we first met. I'd not even given it a second thought until last night when he requested to follow me on Facebook out of the blue. I thought nothing of it as I do have a lot of work colleagues on Facebook so saw nothing wrong with accepting him but certainly didn't expect him to message me or make any contact. Well, he has tonight. Made a lot of comments about how he's flattered "someone like me??" would find him attractive etc and asking "if I like him?" and "what have I been saying about him?" I asked him if he was married, he said yes but is still continuing to message and be flirty/cheeky.

I have to admit, I am enjoying the attention and we are having a laugh, talking about random stuff but I know it's completely wrong and so inappropriate. Just spoke to the other colleague about it (the one who told him) and he's confirmed that he finds me very attractive etc.

Just give me a kick up the arse, I'm not a slag. This isn't me, I know it's wrong. I would be heartbroken if this was my husband/partner. I know there is no excuse for doing something like this

You know it’s wrong. So stop.

You know he’s using you. Don’t let him.

You’re using us in the same way. Goodnight.

This will not end well...

I’ve been in this exact position and I would not recommend you continue this at all! I felt flattered too, nothing physical happened and I’m so relieved. Years down the line and married myself I am so ashamed of myself and disgusted with the bloke.

He may not have got on to the topic of his wife yet. But be prepared for the "we are splitting up/we don't have sex/she doesn't understand" me bullshit he will use to justify an affair.

I would give it a week max at this intensity and with him fishing before he is asking to meet up. He has an agenda.

Your colleague who leaked this to him saw it as a game and a bit of gossip. If you meet this guy and have sex with him it sounds as if everyone at work will find out. Offices/workplaces love affair gossip. Don't let yourself be office gossip. He isn't available. Its not going anywhere. Strangely flattering maybe but block and move on. Be prepared for him to try another means- oh why have you stopped talking to me etc. Ignore. And do not discuss it with the other colleague who clearly is a stirrer and wants to act aa go between.

When you say your not a slag there is nothing wrong with sleeping around aslong as everyone is free and single too do so. Messaging a married man is far worse. He is more in the wrong but you also know he’s married and being involved.

Just say your not the type to get involved with married men and block him.

If you won't block him then just send him a message in the morning saying, 'I've had a think and I don't mind being Facebook friends but I don't feel comfortable messaging privately. You're married and I don't think it's appropriate. I'm guessing you would have something to say if she was sending private messages to another guy! So this is my last message, no hard feelings, just keeping things as they should be, professional. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, bye.'

Don't say any 'if you weren't married, things might be different' rubbish as that's still showing an interest. Just remind him of his situation and point out how inappropriate this is and then walk away.

I'm married, similar age to him. Just had my second baby and trying to adjust to juggling two children and make time for my relationship. It's not all excitement and sex right now in my marriage. I hope so much that my husband's head wouldn't be turned if he had a young woman in his office paid him attention, but if it did, I'd hope she'd do the right thing and walk away. I have a lot to lose, you don't, please try and think about what his wife has to lose and the heartbreak she'd feel if she knew about these flirty messages.

When you say your not a slag there is nothing wrong with sleeping around aslong as everyone is free and single too do so

This. Who over 15 actually uses the word slag anymore anyway. I've had quite a lot of bloody great sex in my time, with over 30 men, we were all single, safe and happy. Does that make me a slag? Or are you better than slags because you haven't slept with him yet? Think more carefully about the words you use to describe women.

Oh and 'I guess men gossip too'
Urrrr....yeah. I've found most of the time they are the worst for ot actually, although of course people don't use such derogatory language such as gossip, it's networking or climbing the greasy pole.

Are you going to send that final message and block him or were you just hoping for validation?

Leaving aside the married thing, which btw is highly likely to end in horrific pain, possibly yelling and you having to slink off to another job at possibly the worst time ever for jobhunting.... OP he sound like such a charmless nobhead!!! 'oooh I am so excited that you fancy meeeee'....find someone better at flirting 🤣🤣

[quote Greyandwhite]@Sparklesocks yes I would say so, not that it's an excuse. I've always been attracted to older men for some reason, I find boys my own age really immature at times. My ex was 9 years older than me and was emotionally abusive, use to call me fat, ugly etc. [/quote]
Boys you’re own age ?

Is this all made up? 24 year old referring to boys ?

He's trying to use you, you need to say very clearly that you are not interested. His desperation does not sound attractive, I am sure you could do so much better, as could his poor wife probably. I wonder what she's doing while he chats to you - looking after his kids? Doing his washing? Give this one a miss and concentrate on yourself.

I would message him saying your contact with him will now be ending as it was only a test to see if he'd cheat, and he's proved himself to me no trustworthy. His credibility in the workplace will be going downhill as a result .

If you want to be flattered by some gross older man who clearly wants an ego boost off a younger woman at work (seriously this is absolute textbook, don’t big yourself up, he wants to feel flattered. It’s nothing to do with you as a person) then go for it! I sincerely hope you don’t ever get cheated on.

Thing is you’re already making excuses to keep this going with the whole ‘can’t block due to atmosphere at work.’ So either own that you don’t have any standards or stop posting pretending you need help.

If you do block him, he won’t give a shit anyway. He’ll just try it on with the next single woman to cross his path. You’re not special to him. Just a cheap, easy ego boost.

Where’s your self respect? I know you had a shitty abusive ex, but your continuing to abuse yourself indulging this bull shit. Stop licking his crumbs up off the floor and put your energy into yourself.

from what you’ve written here you obviously won’t listen to any of us. You’ll message him first thing then dress up for work and soon enough you’ll be back handwringing because he won’t leave his wife

What do you want us to help you with? It's inappropriate, you know it is, if you don't want to carry on with it (as you obviously shouldn't) then you know what you have to do.

Is this just you looking for an online kicking to increase the drama and intensity? Or so you can tell yourself that since you're getting the kicking, that makes up for the wrongness and means you can carry on?

How do you think this is going to play out? What might you lose or bypass in the meantime?

Come on OP do you think you’re the first? Do you think it’s going to turn into an affair and he’s going to leave his wife and all that? He just wants you for a shag. You’ll just be another young thing he thinks he can charm in to bed, I bet he’s had affairs before.

You say you’d be heartbroken if you were the wife and you know it’s wrong but it’s not stopping you. You could stop this but you don’t want to.

Set your bar higher than abusive men, maybe look at having some counselling and work on your self esteem.

OP, you know this is heading to a place it shouldn't be and you need to knock it on the head now, as it will not end well for you. As unfair as it sounds, the woman always comes of worse in these scenarios. You'll always be 'that' woman in the office, and it will follow you around like a bad smell. The guy sounds like a total douchbag! His head has been turned very easily and he sounds like an attention seeker. I doubt you're the first woman that he's approached either. I understand that you don't want to make things awkward by blocking him, but you need to stop engaging with him. Either ignore or one word answers until he gets the message. Stop now before it goes any further!

I don’t know why you think this isn’t you.

It is. You’re doing it. This is who you are.

An ego boost is worth trampling on another person to you.

OP he's playing you as he just wants a shag. Then you'll be the gossip of the office. Grow up, build up your self-respect and self-worth and block him.

Ok, look. This is going to end in a horrible mess for YOU, OP.

That’s without even looking at the ethics. Your self-interest should be telling you to run.

This hasn’t yet gone too far and you can politely disengage. Just do it already.

I wouldn't be flattered to have a sleezebag flirting with me.

He isn't flirting with you because your special. He likes the attention of another person.

Also yes this is you as you are doing it.
You are deliberately flirting with a married man because you want the attention I would say that classes you as exactly who you don't think you arr

If you carry on you are going to be the one this ends badly for. Remember hes a work colleague and is married. No one will feel sorry for you. You say your 24. Men in your age range aren't boys they are men. You say I'm not a slag. There's nothing wrong with sleeping around having fun with other singles but don't think it's ok with a married work colleague.

I'm cringing for you OP. Just imagining what your colleagues will be saying about you behind your back.

I'd be too embarrassed to even go to work.