To be appalled my therapist/counsellor simply failed to show up for appt?

[Trying2Heal]

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming about this?

I’ve been in therapy for several months to heal from narcissistic abuse/ DV and also from childhood trauma. Initially the therapist seemed very good. However, recently I’m finding her slack and I am not sure whether this is me being paranoid or her actually not being reliable enough.

We do our sessions via phone, due to Covid. Around September she took on a day job at a university but said she’d still continue her private practice. Shortly after this there was a session where she messaged me 30 minutes before the session to say she’d have to cancel due to her needing to attend a meeting at her day job.

Then, on another occasion she told me she’d have to cut the session short and limit it to 30 minutes (normal session length is 50 minutes) so that she could accommodate her other clients.

Again last week when the session began she said “I wanted to warn you that this session will only be 30 minutes.” I asked her why and she said that another client had booked another session 30 minutes after mine and that she had no control over this.

She said she’d make it up to me by offering me a session today. That session today was due to start 4 hours ago. She simply didn’t show up. She didn’t answer the phone, no email or anything to suggest she needed to cancel.

3.5 hours after the missed appointment she sent me the message I’ve attached a screenshot of here.

My gut is telling me she’s an unreliable b* at this point and her behaviour is actually re-traumatising me.

But am I over-reacting?

(In case it's relevant this is private rather than NHS & I have to pay for the full 50 minutes even when she flakes out)

I think thats pretty bad

Her "explanation" (in the screenshot) seems pretty shit to me as well. Ugh.

You do not have to pay her when she's not offering the service. She's completely unprofessional, I'd find someone else.

I think you should be paying less for the shorter session too.

Unless there's some huge backstory here, what she is doing is very damaging in my opinion.

Is she a member of the BACP or any other body?

Why on earth would you pay the full price if she flakes? Normally in private practice, if she flakes, you don’t pay; if you flake, you pay.

YANBU, by the way - she sounds like a total joke.

This sounds very unfortunate and I can understand your upset AND anger. Successful therapy needs a genuine relationship and the therapist sounds like she may be spreading herself too thin to achieve the necessary...
I am also astonished that you would be asked to pay for a session that’s curtailed by her.

And also why do you have to pay for the full 50 min if she is the one ending the sessions at 30 minutes?

@MrsMaryBOOface. I'm not sure what sort of backstory could justify her behaviour. The only possible reason for it is that she's struggling to juggle her new day job with her private client commitments. But that's not really a backstory, it's more a case of her not seeming to have a handle on sorting herself and her workload out properly.

Yeah, really bad brush off response from her, with a completely lacklustre apology. And I don't think it's appropriate at all for her to be messing with your session times, particularly to accommodate other clients.

I'd try to find someone else.

Catastrophically poor.

A lot of therapists/counsellors will work part time for the NHS/another employer and then do self-employed counselling on other days. Cancelling at short notice for a work meeting is crap time management on her part.

Then having short sessions not once but twice (!) as she has booked in other clients speaks of sheer incompetence. Saying there is nothing she can do about it - well, yes there is, she could have told them the time wasn't available like any other counsellor across the world would have done.

And now just forgetting an appointment because she didn't put you in the diary?

Don't be taken for a mug. You wouldn't let your hairdresser treat you like this, let alone someone who is supposed to be helping you deal with trauma.

Nope YANBU at all. She is very unprofessional. It would be bad enough if she was providing a service like decorating, hairdressing. Then it would be inconvenient and disappointing but anyone who has got their Courage together and has embarked on counselling deserved one hell of a lot better as this lack of care and casual attitude is likely to cause further distress. It’s just not ok. I had a course of therapy for PTSD on the NHS and cannot imagine for one second the therapist pulling this sort of shit. Im sorry you are being let down by her. It’s not what you need.

@ElleAitch

She has been billing me monthly in advance for one 50 minute session per week. So I have already paid for November which has consisted of either one or two 30 minute sessions that should have been 50 minutes and today's session where she didn't show up and then I guess 1 full session

This is just unacceptable: she’s broken your trust now, whatever her situation, and there won’t be much coming back from this. I am sorry OP: trust is a precious thing but there are some very good therapists out there. I hope you find someone worthy of your trust next time: don’t give up.

@CapGunAmmo. if you don't mind me asking was it difficult to get the NHS to give you therapy for PTSD? How many sessions did they give you? The NHS diagnosed me with PTSD but trying to get actual therapy from them was like trying to get blood out of a stone and I gave up.

[quote Trying2Heal]@MrsMaryBOOface. I'm not sure what sort of backstory could justify her behaviour. The only possible reason for it is that she's struggling to juggle her new day job with her private client commitments. But that's not really a backstory, it's more a case of her not seeming to have a handle on sorting herself and her workload out properly.[/quote]
Sorry, I actually meant unless there was some huge backstory with yourself and her, but then even so, her actions are completely unacceptable and unprofessional.

In hindsight my words are clumsy, and it shouldn't matter what the situation is, what she is doing isn't conductive to therapy and if it was the other way around and you were not turning up for sessions and cutting them short, you'd be pulled up on it (and charged!)

@Gormless

I agree. Excuse my language but my feeling right now is that she can shove Tuesday's session up her arse.
The trust is broken.
I didn't even find her message to me explaining what happened particularly helpful or apologetic.

@MrsMaryBOOface. actually that's a good point. If I was not showing up for sessions or buggering about and wasting her time I bet she'd sack me as a client!!!

This is absolutely unprofessional. I would assume if she is working in an university as a counsellor then she will be a registered member of the bacp or the ncs or ukcp. I would send her an email detailing all of the above get her response (as evidence) and start a complaint process with her professional body.
Very occasionally a therapist will have to cancel at short notice or miss a session, as they’re human but I mean extremely rare for it to happen. I think it’s great you’ve got the awareness that this process is re-traumatising. I’m so sorry you’re having to experience this, you deserve much better.

So she's going to charge you to help you process the feelings of disappointment she has induced in you.

Several points here:

• her problems are not your problems. If she's taken on extra work or is struggling with diary management she shouldn't be telling you about her problems - these are for her to manage to ensure they do not impact you.

• no way should you be being given 30 minute sessions when you don't want that, least of all paying the 50 minute amount

• I think she's right that the feelings over how she has let you down today should be dealt with in the session as the risk is they get dealt with by text which is not the right forum.

• any decent therapist would give you the replacement session for free. That's quid pro quo, you waste her time but not turning up and you have to pay. She wastes your time by not turning up and she doesn't charge next time.

I'd ditch her for the very first 30 minute session, btw.

(Qualified therapist here).

@gormless is completely correct, regardless of whether her behaviour is ok or not (it's not, it's a million miles from ok) you no longer trust her so the therapeutic relationship is gone. Its unprofessional and distinctly unkind to do this to someone with PTSD. You need structure and support, neither of which you are getting from this woman. Time to find a new counsellor. I would be requesting a refund from the times she's missed and cut short too.

“We can process further”

Brass fucking neck! She means to use your therapy sessions, which you pay for, to process your feelings of disappointment that she has caused?? Is she for real?

I would cancel all future sessions. I might let her know. I might not.

No, it’s reached the point of unacceptable now.

You’ve been paying for 50 minutes when you’ve only been getting 30 through her inability to schedule properly, then she failed to turn up to this session. I think one or two discretions can be overlooked but she’s taking the piss now.

Find a new therapist. And let her know why.

It could be something serious though, she has said she was dealing with a family situation?
Also everyone makes mistakes surely, she is only human, not a god.