To be appalled my therapist/counsellor simply failed to show up for appt?

[Trying2Heal]

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming about this?

I’ve been in therapy for several months to heal from narcissistic abuse/ DV and also from childhood trauma. Initially the therapist seemed very good. However, recently I’m finding her slack and I am not sure whether this is me being paranoid or her actually not being reliable enough.

We do our sessions via phone, due to Covid. Around September she took on a day job at a university but said she’d still continue her private practice. Shortly after this there was a session where she messaged me 30 minutes before the session to say she’d have to cancel due to her needing to attend a meeting at her day job.

Then, on another occasion she told me she’d have to cut the session short and limit it to 30 minutes (normal session length is 50 minutes) so that she could accommodate her other clients.

Again last week when the session began she said “I wanted to warn you that this session will only be 30 minutes.” I asked her why and she said that another client had booked another session 30 minutes after mine and that she had no control over this.

She said she’d make it up to me by offering me a session today. That session today was due to start 4 hours ago. She simply didn’t show up. She didn’t answer the phone, no email or anything to suggest she needed to cancel.

3.5 hours after the missed appointment she sent me the message I’ve attached a screenshot of here.

My gut is telling me she’s an unreliable b* at this point and her behaviour is actually re-traumatising me.

But am I over-reacting?

(In case it's relevant this is private rather than NHS & I have to pay for the full 50 minutes even when she flakes out)

@Littlebeach I've decided to not even go ahead with Tuesday's scheduled session. I'm going to focus on finding a better therapist. It honestly wouldn't surprise me if she tried to eff about on Tuesday as well if I showed up

[quote Trying2Heal]@Gormless

I agree. Excuse my language but my feeling right now is that she can shove Tuesday's session up her arse.
The trust is broken.
I didn't even find her message to me explaining what happened particularly helpful or apologetic.[/quote]
That's because she is keeping her "boundaries" by not over apologising or explaining too much.

I think you need to find another therapist and to be quite honest I'd also consider reporting her to the BACP or whoever she is registered with.

It may be that she's dealing with her own problems/trauma at the moment, but she really shouldn't be treating you this way.

@gypsywater
yes it could be serious. But when added to the rest of the buggering about regarding session time and cancelling another session at very short notice it's not feeling acceptable

You should definitely only be paying for what you have actually recieved though (cancellations on your part aside)

It does sound very stressful. If it is becoming a pattern then definitely find someone new.

A one off is forgivable, people make mistakes, forget to put something in a diary, etc. But repeatedly messing you around is very poor, cutting short appts because they’ve booked someone else in the las half of your session is particularly bad. I’d look elsewhere and tell her why.

@JoeCalFuckingZaghe

I agree -- she is taking the piss. It's scary for me to accept she's gone from being a good therapist to behaving like an arsehole. But was she actually EVER a good therapist or was it my low self-worth just accepting scraps?

Maybe the process of sacking her and seeking someone more professional will be quite therapeutic for me in its own right. It's me refusing to accept any old shit.

One missed session could be a fluke. People make mistakes. You are dealing with a distinct pattern. She absolutely can control when her sessions are booked. If she must shorten a session for some reason she should give you the choice of a shorter session or rescheduling ASAP and either way you should only pay for the time she was actually available.

I know it’s not easy to start over with a therapist. It’s not just the emotional cost, every intake and get to know you session costs money. I’ve been there.

I think I would calmly write out the history so she can see the pattern. State that you should not be paying for time she cancels and you expect your bill to be adjusted. Then ask if she can make a commitment to this partnership going forward. Keep emotion and the impact on you out of it. Just write up the pattern. If she can’t see the problem just from that, you don’t want to keep working with her anyway.

(In case it's relevant this is private rather than NHS & I have to pay for the full 50 minutes even when she flakes out)

This is ridiculous. Yes we’re all human and sometimes make mistakes but just not turning up and with no apology for wasting your time is incredibly poor practice. As for charging you a full session and telling you on the day it’ll be half your usual time - it’s pretty much theft.

I’d contact her outlining your experience of her over the last few weeks and asking for a refund for your November fees in full. You got 2 half sessions and a completely missed session which is flakey in the extreme. If she won’t refund your money, go to which ever registering body she’s with and formally complain.

Her diary management issues aren’t your problem - nothing you’ve described is unavoidable or excusable.

If she bills you in advance, then you deduct the amount owed from the next month.

So say you usually have an hour a week for £50 per session (this is what I pay for my counselling)
If she then cut 2 appointments in half, you deduct £50 from the following month's bill.

There's no way you should be paying for sessions that she is asking for upfront and then cutting them short!

I once had an absolute nightmare when, an hour before my online session, I had a flood in my bathroom, through the kitchen, with a baby, during lockdown. I emailed her to let her know I couldn't make it and why, and that I understood it was last minute and fine that I'd already been charged. She very kindly rescheduled me for later in the week.

OP, sorry you’re going through this. My suggestion:

1. The private therapy feild is competitive and you can ditch this time waster and find someone else much better

1. Choose your next person worth care and recommendation but don’t commit too long and be prepare to cut your losses and move one. Be glad for what help they can give but be aware to their limitations and when the point O’Dell reached when they aren’t helping.

3, Your current person has already reached the point where they are of no value. Sorry but they are so unprofessional it’s appalling. In a cleaner it would be bad - fir mental health it disgusting.

@Trying2Heal actually you make a great observation there about not accepting any old crap any more so you HAVE grown and benefitted from this therapy regardless. Now it’s certainly time for you to walk away and find someone reliable to help you continue your growth. And ask for a full refund as she is admitting her fault for the last appt.
All the best for you moving forward. I think you’ve got this for sure though! 👏🏻

I think the trust will be now broken between you and this will undermine any therapeutic benefit. I’d look for another therapist.

'She's human, not a god.'
Yeah - not particularly the hallmark of a deity, though, is it: doing one's job properly? This isn't an acceptable standard of professional behaviour at all. She hasn't made a one-off cock-up, ffs. She's missing some appointments altogether and cutting others short by almost half. And using the most tiresome frogging GCSE Psychology language to acknowledge her client's frustrations.

frigging

If it was a one off I’d be keen to forgive and forget, however it seems she doesn’t consider your time or custom valuable. Beyond being a bad therapist it’s just bad customer service.

Also everyone makes mistakes surely, she is only human, not a god.

That's very true but mistakes like that should be very rare.

Cutting a session short for another client is not just a mistake, it's wildly unprofessional. Cancelling at 30 minutes notice for a work meeting is unprofessional (as PP say, why tell you that?). Charging full whack (or, indeed anything) for an interrupted session is unprofessional. The message apologising seems weak and a bit patronising to me, you can be very sorry and keep boundaries.

Arguably 'just' forgetting a session is the least bad thing she's done but when it's supposed to be fixing a previous fuck up I think it makes her appear contemptuous.

The good news, OP, is that you must be doing better than you once were, given you're seeing her behaviour for what it is and making the sensible choice with minimal drama. Maybe this is all some weird form of total emersion CBT :-)

I've a session scheduled with her for Tuesday. Now if I was really petty I'd simply not bother to show up, with no warning and no explanation

It does seem bonkers you were charged full price for a cut session

Your therapist has not been able to offer you the correct level of professionalism she should meet in her position, nor the level of consistency and reliability that youd need to trust her. I think you would be absolutely correct to seek someone new as I suspect this experience would get in the way of ongoing work with her feeling helpful.

I would request a refund for time not given - especially as all seasons cut short were on her request

Maybe she’s trying to phase you out. I’m a mental health nurse and I’ve seen professionals so this plenty of times

the boundaries of the therapeutic session are actually an important part of why it works. That period of time is yours, it's boundaries are vital to its success. Her violation of those boundaries is shocking. It's well know in the community of therapists that the last 10 mins of a session are often really important - people suddenly start disclosing BECAUSE they know there is a clearly defined boundary of time.

That's appalling behaviour.
Yes you can get therapy for PTSD on the NHS. I have had 29 sessions and am going back for more after Christmas. Get yourself referred through your GP.

If I was unable to commit to the full session I would cancel it rather than cut short. Shorter sessions are fine but it needs to be by mutual agreement and client led rather than therapist led.

I’ve recently had to let my clients down as I’m unable to be fully present for them due to personal reasons so I’ve decided that rather than give them what I consider to be sub standard therapy they can passed to another counsellor or wait for me to return in the new year.
I find the lack of face to face a big enough change without my personal circumstances affecting the process as well.

I wouldn’t be paying her or asking her for a new rate for what you do get. (If you don’t want to move to a new therapist)

I would hope she is discussing this with her supervisor. If she is a member of the bacp you could contact them however I would encourage you to bring this up with her.

Your reaction feels ott for a mistake. You are more than entitled to stop seeing her but it doesn't feel in proportion to be so angry. Also I'd double check she's still expecting you to pay. Probably in quite a direct way. For example I assume you don't want payment for the session YOU missed.