To be appalled my therapist/counsellor simply failed to show up for appt?

[Trying2Heal]

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming about this?

I’ve been in therapy for several months to heal from narcissistic abuse/ DV and also from childhood trauma. Initially the therapist seemed very good. However, recently I’m finding her slack and I am not sure whether this is me being paranoid or her actually not being reliable enough.

We do our sessions via phone, due to Covid. Around September she took on a day job at a university but said she’d still continue her private practice. Shortly after this there was a session where she messaged me 30 minutes before the session to say she’d have to cancel due to her needing to attend a meeting at her day job.

Then, on another occasion she told me she’d have to cut the session short and limit it to 30 minutes (normal session length is 50 minutes) so that she could accommodate her other clients.

Again last week when the session began she said “I wanted to warn you that this session will only be 30 minutes.” I asked her why and she said that another client had booked another session 30 minutes after mine and that she had no control over this.

She said she’d make it up to me by offering me a session today. That session today was due to start 4 hours ago. She simply didn’t show up. She didn’t answer the phone, no email or anything to suggest she needed to cancel.

3.5 hours after the missed appointment she sent me the message I’ve attached a screenshot of here.

My gut is telling me she’s an unreliable b* at this point and her behaviour is actually re-traumatising me.

But am I over-reacting?

(In case it's relevant this is private rather than NHS & I have to pay for the full 50 minutes even when she flakes out)

I wouldn't bother replying to be honest. She's attempted to justify her view and maybe she has other things going on that make her ineffective.

The comment about truly feeling unsafe' feels a little crass to me, and is a way of deflecting blame onto you, suggesting you are overacting.

It's not a very sincere apology.

@Trying2Heal that reply should have been linked to you! Sorry

That's really unprofessional, as are her reasons. She cut one of your sessions short because another client booked, and she claimed she had no control over that?! Of course she does!

I'd find a new therapist and make a formal complaint about this therapist. These links may be helpful about making a complaint:

www.bacp.co.uk/about-us/protecting-the-public/professional-conduct/how-to-complain-about-a-bacp-member/

www.psychotherapy.org.uk/registers-standards/complaints/make-a-complaint/

My therapist has forgotten to turn up for a session, it's always been a one off thing and he apologized. He didn't charge me for our next meeting either.

Reliability is a huge thing. Find someone new OP. I wouldn't be happy paying full fee for 30 mins either.

Dump her. Get yourself a better counsellor.

It's outrageous that she's short-changing her private clients in favour of her new appointment. I'd be very tempted to contact the university counselling dept and tell them about this obvious clash of interests. This is something that needs to be addressed by her line manager there.

Her behaviour is outrageous, but unfortunately not all that unusual in my experience. But there are good, reliable therapists out there.

[quote Trying2Heal]**@waytheleaveswork. I hear you. I think it was only @NeonIcedcoffee who claimed I'm overreacting and that the therapist's behaviour is no biggie. Everyone else seems to see the issue clearly to be fair.[/quote]
I'm oy trying to help. I know ott behaviour when I see it. But mumsnet loves to get people wound up. You do watever you like. I'm trying to provide insight into your reaction but it's up to you if you're ready for that. I didn't actually say you should be annoyed what I said was I thought you were too angry. It's a good thing to be able to respond proportionally to things. And I didn't think how angry you seemed was propirtal. But as I say you do you.

Wow she's awful. I can't believe she hasnt said a simple "I'm so sorry". It's almost like she's deflecting the responsibility and putting it on your for feeling disappointed.

She also hasnt said what she's going to do to prevent cancellations/reducing session length going forward. The least she could do is say she's reviewing how the schedules are working to prevent reoccurances going forwards. And also address the issue of refunds which you are clearly due.

She's sitting pretty with two salaries and a lack of accountability.

Definitely complain to BACP and also anywhere else you can see her listed.

Her attitude would infuriate me.

@Jaxhog

Her behaviour is outrageous, but unfortunately not all that unusual in my experience. But there are good, reliable therapists out there.

This is exactly what I mean about mumsnet whipping up a fuss. Come on do you really thin most therapists are going around treating clients badly? I've had various therapy before and never experienced this.

@liveitwell

Right, there's no real apology is there?
My gut sense is that she's not able to juggle having a day job and a private practice. She should be taking responsibility and letting go of her private clients if she's not able to provide a proper reliable service.

*Reading the OP, the first thing that struck me as questionable was that the OP knew the therapist had taken on a new job.

To my mind, the job should not have impacted in any way on the OP, so there was no reason for her to know this, and it was a blurring of boundaries by the therapist.*

It’s not quite as simple as that, if fir example the new job changes the days and times ages available. I’m a therapist and I have another, unrelated, job. Some of my long term clients know I have another job because it changes the days I work in my therapy practice - respect for the client and the relationship we have means I might say I can’t book X day (for an ad hoc or additional session). It depends on the relationship, mode of therapy and length of work.

In saying that, I’d never rearrange a session because of my other job it use that as an excuse for cancelling or not being able to do my job properly. That’s in my view the boundary crossing - the therapist isn’t keeping those two roles separate, as they should be.

It’s also poor for the therapist to not take responsibility for her booking system and diary management- if she’s finding people double booked it booked too closely together she needs to address that by changing her system.

We all have family emergencies that need dealt with but her whole approach to this is unboundaried and unprofessional.

NeonIcedcoffee

It's an old trick in the book to undermine people's views by generalising. It's got nothing to do with Mumsnet why people have an opposing view to yours! Accept that people have different views and move on. You've said your piece, most people disagree. Move on.

Demand a refund on your missed session and curtailed sessions OP. Complain about her to her professional body if she refuses to refund you promptly.
Find a different therapist. I too think that her tone in her 'apology' today was designed to make her time seem important and you are a slight nuisance on her time - not worthy to be scheduled in a calendar. This is not what you need. You will find a better therapist.

@NeonIcedcoffee

Please consider the likelihood that the reason people here are not agreeing with you is because you are actually wrong. Not because “Mumsnet loves to get people wound up.”
Rather than my anger being “disproportionate” perhaps the real truth is that your comments entirely miss the point and aren’t helpful, despite you claiming you are "trying to help".....

Well said @liveitwell

Charge you to process your feelings of disappointment with her? she's completely hopeless and unethical and I would fire her, ask for my money back for all of November - because she's dicked you around and threaten to report her if she doesn't return it, and then report her anyway for unprofessionalism. I hope you find someone better that helps.

My therapist has only ever forgotten a session once due to a family emergency. I rang him when I arrived and he wasn’t there, he apologised profusely, turned up 15 mins later, and didn’t charge me for either that session or the next. That is in my opinion the response you have a right to expect - these things will always happen and therapists aren’t perfect, but to treat you in that way just isn’t acceptable!

I’d drop her and wouldn’t even pay her . Someone like that doesn’t deserve a job as a therapist.

@applesandoranges221. Wow!! That is so markedly different to this therapist's response

I rang him when I arrived and he wasn’t there, he apologised profusely, turned up 15 mins later, and didn’t charge me for either that session or the next.

That’s wholly fair, if I have to cancel at short notice, eg within 24 hours, I don’t charge for the rescheduled session either. Apart from anything else it focuses the mind to make sure you manage your diary well, and it’s fair to clients who are already paying out of pocket for a service.

I've been to a lot of therapists, some good, some bad, and NONE of them would a) be this careless of the boundaries of therapy or b) this passive-aggressive about the problem.
I think that you are absolutely right to sack her, and it is indeed a sign of how much work you have done and how far you have come that you are now able to stand up for yourself and say "no, this isn't good enough".
Paradoxically, she may have been the right therapist for a while, for you to get to this point, but as a pp pointed out, there is probably some counter-transference going on now that you shouldn't have to deal with.
Btw, most therapists have a sliding scale of prices if you're really struggling to pay for it, and it's worth asking about that as part of the introductory conversation.

[quote Trying2Heal]@applesandoranges221. Wow!! That is so markedly different to this therapist's response[/quote]
Absolutely! To be fair, I was probably more willing to cut him some slack because we’d worked together for much longer by the point he did that than you have and he hadn’t messed me around before ( well, I had to sit on his drive for a bit once because a parent hadn’t t picked up a previous client 30 mins after the end of their session, but that’s a safeguarding issue and 100% not his fault) but even so, to charge you for shorter sessions is absolutely ridiculous!

Please keep going and find a better therapist, they are out there and genuinely it’s been life changing for me.

Her spelling makes me wonder if she is American? Not that it excuses poor professional boundaries but having followed some US based therapist on social media, I've noticed they seem to work differently in particular when it comes to booking sessions - it seems to be more common to book sessions individually rather than agree to a set day and time and then absolutely committing to that.

Other than that, I totally agree with the many who have said her behaviour has been appalling. I trained as a counsellor and punctuality and commitment were a huge part of our training in many ways, and it would only be acceptable to end a session early in an absolute, sudden emergency such as suddenly feeling unwell or having some major issue with the building where you are working in. It would be more of situation that arises maybe a few times in a long career, not something you can just do due to a scheduling conflict.

@Allfednonedead

Really helpful comment. Yes, maybe she was the right therapist for me for a while. But clearly isn't now!

I'm going to read up on counter transference. I don't know much about it.

I notice you described her as "passive aggressive." Did you draw that conclusion from the screenshots I've posted of her messages? Because I tend to agree that her responses are getting really passive aggressive. Yuck.

@viccat. She's American born and according to her CV has been in England ever since she came here many years ago to do her masters degree