To be appalled my therapist/counsellor simply failed to show up for appt?

[Trying2Heal]

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming about this?

I’ve been in therapy for several months to heal from narcissistic abuse/ DV and also from childhood trauma. Initially the therapist seemed very good. However, recently I’m finding her slack and I am not sure whether this is me being paranoid or her actually not being reliable enough.

We do our sessions via phone, due to Covid. Around September she took on a day job at a university but said she’d still continue her private practice. Shortly after this there was a session where she messaged me 30 minutes before the session to say she’d have to cancel due to her needing to attend a meeting at her day job.

Then, on another occasion she told me she’d have to cut the session short and limit it to 30 minutes (normal session length is 50 minutes) so that she could accommodate her other clients.

Again last week when the session began she said “I wanted to warn you that this session will only be 30 minutes.” I asked her why and she said that another client had booked another session 30 minutes after mine and that she had no control over this.

She said she’d make it up to me by offering me a session today. That session today was due to start 4 hours ago. She simply didn’t show up. She didn’t answer the phone, no email or anything to suggest she needed to cancel.

3.5 hours after the missed appointment she sent me the message I’ve attached a screenshot of here.

My gut is telling me she’s an unreliable b* at this point and her behaviour is actually re-traumatising me.

But am I over-reacting?

(In case it's relevant this is private rather than NHS & I have to pay for the full 50 minutes even when she flakes out)

Reliability and trust is crucially important in a therapist. Especially with your issues. I’m sorry this has happened. I think you should find someone else.

This is really, really unprofessional behaviour.

As well as finding another therapist, I would report this to her Registered Body. People out there looking for counsellors and therapists are so vulnerable to have the piss taken out of them, and it needs to be called out every time.

Therapist here (who has therefore been in therapy for a number of years while training.)

You shouldn’t know about her other jobs or her personal circumstances. The therapy is about you, not her.

My therapist was late for one session, apologised profusely and offered a general explanation (transport issues). We worked through what it triggered in me, not excuses on her part.

As a therapist I have had to cancel a couple of sessions and again I offer a general explanation (unwell) and then remain aware of how it resonates in the room (I work with children so it is rarely direct discussion)

You are entitled to a refund for any sessions that she has cancelled or cut short. You are also entitled to complain to her regulating body.

Btw, to the pp who said that anger is often a sign of mh issues - it’s a sign of being human.

Totally and unequivocally unacceptable. Report her to the relevant professional body.

@Trying2Heal I think you should send her an email saying that you want a refund for the sessions where she charged you in full but cut the sessions short and you want a refund of what you've already paid but not had the sessions yet. If she refuses definitely complain to the regulating body and send them her messages to you. At this point I wouldn't bother complaining directly to her because that response reads that she's justifying her behaviour and actually making it seem as if you're being over sensitive! She's clearly not going to change her behaviour so if I was you once you have your money find another therapist who will make you feel you are a priority.

@sallywinter I was waiting for a therapist to post to prove us all correct. I'm quite shocked at the therapist's responses to the OP to be honest. If ever any of my sessions were cancelled I was given plenty of notice, a very sincere apology and some sort of explanation as to why. Cant believe the therapist's lack of boundaries here either I've never once experienced that and it makes me thankful I've been given quite good treatment from my psychiatrists and therapists over the years.

@NeonIcedcoffee Are you being serious with your posts? I think you need to go and do some research on how a therapist is expected to maintain professional behaviour at all times!

When you start therapy boundaries are discussed i.e. unless it's an absolute emergency or therapist is ill then sessions will go ahead at the agreed day and time and it rarely changes because of the need for consistency, if they are cancelled if say the therapist is on holiday then it is discussed in advance with the patient.

The OP's therapist is not behaving professionally or ethically. She's cancelling appointments, forgetting about them or cutting them short and still charging the OP. Not to mention the fact she's bringing her personal life into it. If she's doing this to the OP she's probably doing it to other patients, being so dismissive like she is to the OP could have serious consequences like potentially tipping a patient over the edge and if they harm themselves or god forbid someone else the therapist can legally be held accountable for it because that's breaching and neglecting her duty of care towards her patients who are incredibly vulnerable people. Why do you think there such strict guidelines on how a therapist should conduct themselves with patients?

Cancelling appointments as much as the OP's therapist has is a massive no no because the whole point is to make the patient feel they are important and are provided with a safe environment where they can deal with their issues and as the OP has stated one of her issues is her lack of self worth, the therapist is contributing to that with her behaviour and to justify it and minimise the OP's feelings over it is very unethical and unprofessional not to mention the fact that technically that's also misconduct!

@Trying2Heal

I responded to her message summarising the number of times she's either suddenly reduced the session length or cancelled minutes before a session, leading up to this final incident of her simply not showing up -- and I explained that it makes me feel unsafe.

This is her reply. (To give context: she has clients book the next session online using online scheduling software. But she claims that sometimes she books clients in herself manually and that when she does this she can sometimes book someone in without realising that session has already been booked).

I don't really see how a therapist could go from being good to being as shit as this. I strongly suspect she was never good really and that I was doing my good old habit of painting people to be 100 x better than they really are.

Well, that's just bollocks.

Her scheduling problems and mistakes are her problem, not your problem to just bear. She's not addressed in that response, in any way, the fact she's given you 30 minutes for the cost of a full session. And there's no actual apology (or care for your feelings or your time or your money) in there! It's all stiff defensiveness and excuses.

I don't like the "If you are truly feeling unsafe" line either. It has a whiff of disbelief about it, even if that's unintentional. It also puts the onus on @Trying2Heal, which seems dismissive to me. It's a bit like the common non-apology "I'm sorry you feel that way", ie it's not really taking any responsibility (despite her opening line). Basically, it's a crap response.

I'm confused about the 30 min sessions now. Did she tell you when you booked them that they would only be 30 min sessions or just when you started the session?

(Have just read her reply)

@gypsywater

I'd book a 50 minute session a week in advance. It would not be until the session started that she'd drop this news. At the very beginning of the session she'd say: "Just so you know this session is only going to be 30 minutes today." This would be followed by some excuse about some other client having booked the session immediately after mine. This has happened 3 times in total I believe.

@BitOfFun. Do you think it's that they sometimes get burnt out and stop giving a shit. Because the more I reflect on her behaviour especially these two responses of hers the more utterly outlandish I find it.

Bin her off immediately.

She is ridiculously shit. Please don't waste any more time and money! Hope you find a good one soon, it really is worth it. 💐

Possibly, but that is stuff she should be talking about in her own supervision sessions. Supervision is generally a compulsory monthly session of professional development/personal therapy where the therapist discusses any difficulties or issues in their work with a more experienced mentor in the same field.

Also, I don't understand how she is booking in her clients. The 'therapeutic hour' is always 50 minutes precisely so there is always ten free minutes to collect themselves/re-familiarise themselves with the next client's notes etc. before the next session starts. So she should be booking clients in on the hour, which wouldn't create a time pressure to curtail any sessions to a half hour.

It suggests incompetence and a certain shiftiness which rings alarm bells for me. Whether it's due to her other job, or 'burn out', it should NOT be happening.

I'm a therapist. What she has been doing is incredibly unethical and unboundaried. I would report her, and I don't say that lightly. Both the UKCP and BACP are adamant about client safety and ethical behaviour. I have never shortened a session, I have never forgotten a client or session. To do so would be a massive breach of my professional and personal standards, both of which are essential to my effectiveness. I'm sorry you have had to deal with someone who isn't right for you and hasn't been upfront and respecting of that.

Unreliable yes, a b*, no

[quote Trying2Heal]@gypsywater

I'd book a 50 minute session a week in advance. It would not be until the session started that she'd drop this news. At the very beginning of the session she'd say: "Just so you know this session is only going to be 30 minutes today." This would be followed by some excuse about some other client having booked the session immediately after mine. This has happened 3 times in total I believe.[/quote]
Then she owes you 20 x 3, so that's one session's payment, in fact a little more, and then for whatever she's charged you for in advance and flaked out on/stuffed up.

If she's overstretched, that is not your problem. That is hers to address in a way that does no impinge upon those she is professing to help.

Wow, that is appalling. I’ve read both her messages to you and I’m stunned.

I am having therapy, for fairly similar reasons to you, and the fact that she calls me at exactly the same time every single week without fail is containing in itself. I cannot imagine my therapist (who is also BCAP registered) behaving like yours

Please sack her off and find someone else. I hope the next stage of your healing and your journey is better. You deserve it

@Redbrickwall. Thanks for your kind words.
Yes, I'm seeing now that this unreliability and flakiness is potentially detrimental to my mental health.
DEFINITELY not going back to her, not even for one final session.

It’s unprofessional and harmful to your ability to form any kind of trusting relationship with her. The behaviour with cutting sessions short with no notice is terrible. As you say, it sends the message she is not prioritising you or your time (and remember it IS your time). Absolutely find someone else. I’d send a factual and businesslike message explaining why you are ending therapy with her. If she is having personal difficulties that impair her ability to do her job, she really should take a break - that’s the ethical thing to do. And I’m a therapist too.

I'm sorry your therapist is so crap @Trying2Heal.

Please do ask for a refund for the sessions she has cut short and any others you have paid in advance.

I think it's worth putting a complaint to BACP (regardless of her giving you the refund, that is the least she can do, the issue of how she has treated you is not going to be remedied by having the refund).
Could it help your self esteem to follow up her reply just stating that you would like a refund due to short sessions on whatever dates and whatever else you have paid for and that yes you do feel unsafe following her behaviour.
Maybe this can help prove to you that you are worthy and that her behaviour is not okay (it's actually pretty appalling, well done for recognising that it isn't right). 💐

It’s absolutely appalling. Personally, I’d request a pro-rata refund for the missing 60 minutes or so of the shorter appointments. She’s charging you in advance for an hour but not giving you the time...and not at your request! It’s utterly unprofessional. I’d also report her formally. My therapist was always on the dot, gave me a full hour and didn’t cancel once in nine months. You deserve the same and given some of the problems you have in your past, her just not showing up / messing you around could have been really damaging for you. I’m angry with her on your behalf!

Exactly as I said in my previous comment I’m in this position as a therapist at the moment. I can’t bracket what’s going on for me in my personal life effectively enough for me to see my clients and as hard as it is to take a break from them it’s preferable to deliver sub standard therapy where I’m not fully present.

I discussed this with my supervisor and it’s the right thing to do.

She needs to be held to account.

Try to find the strength to report this person, OP. Even a quick email is better than nothing.