To be appalled my therapist/counsellor simply failed to show up for appt?

[Trying2Heal]

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming about this?

I’ve been in therapy for several months to heal from narcissistic abuse/ DV and also from childhood trauma. Initially the therapist seemed very good. However, recently I’m finding her slack and I am not sure whether this is me being paranoid or her actually not being reliable enough.

We do our sessions via phone, due to Covid. Around September she took on a day job at a university but said she’d still continue her private practice. Shortly after this there was a session where she messaged me 30 minutes before the session to say she’d have to cancel due to her needing to attend a meeting at her day job.

Then, on another occasion she told me she’d have to cut the session short and limit it to 30 minutes (normal session length is 50 minutes) so that she could accommodate her other clients.

Again last week when the session began she said “I wanted to warn you that this session will only be 30 minutes.” I asked her why and she said that another client had booked another session 30 minutes after mine and that she had no control over this.

She said she’d make it up to me by offering me a session today. That session today was due to start 4 hours ago. She simply didn’t show up. She didn’t answer the phone, no email or anything to suggest she needed to cancel.

3.5 hours after the missed appointment she sent me the message I’ve attached a screenshot of here.

My gut is telling me she’s an unreliable b* at this point and her behaviour is actually re-traumatising me.

But am I over-reacting?

(In case it's relevant this is private rather than NHS & I have to pay for the full 50 minutes even when she flakes out)

@waytheleaveswork. I hear you. I think it was only @NeonIcedcoffee who claimed I'm overreacting and that the therapist's behaviour is no biggie. Everyone else seems to see the issue clearly to be fair.

@suchafunnybear I will try to obtain a partial refund, but either way I'm definitely not attending another session with her. I'll find a better therapist.

My therapist says that the one thing she will always offer me is trust and that she will always be there at our time-baring being run over by a bus, and that anything going on her her personal life/out of the office time is just that, and will never impact on my therapy. Get yourself another therapist OP x

Barring ffs!

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 I like the sound of your therapist!!

@Trying2Heal She absolutely shouldn't be discussing any aspect of her personal life with you! I studied psychology myself before I ever stepped foot into a therapy session and whilst studying it was hammered home to us that under no circumstances should you ever disclose anything about your personal life to a patient because its unprofessional and unethical conduct. I also think she's potentially breaching and neglecting the duty of care to she has over you and that is serious because if you were self harming for example and something happens she could be held accountable. You should definitely report her OP because if she's treating you this way then she's probably treating others the same as well and that's not on. Therapists have a duty of care to all their patients and neglecting/breaching it can have very serious consequences.

@Luciferthecat666
Agreed! Imagine if someone is in an extremely unstable state and then their therapist simply doesn't turn up for the appointment, with no warning and not even a proper apology. It could possibly send a vulnerable person over the edge.
And you're right, it's very unlikely I'm the only client she is treating this way. It seems she's unable to juggle private practice and her day job properly.

Hate her language it’s not even an apology

Just my view, but I find her explanation believable and she is going through a family issue.

My therapist didn't get back to me once and I thought, we all make mistakes and I thought of the bigger picture.
Turns out that she was dying. She has gone now and the funeral was lovely. Miss her lots.

As others said this is really poor form. And she doesn't need to give reasons/justify why she forgot, she should just Apologise and own the stuff up.

You should be paying less for a shorter session.

I would be considering whether she is fully committed to her role and start looking for recommendations for other therapists.

@Trying2Heal Exactly that! if she's cancelling appointments and neglecting to put sessions on her calendar that could send someone over the edge they could harm themselves or god forbid another person and she will be held accountable for it believe me. Therapists aren't just suppose to treat and provide a therapeutic environment for their patients to deal with their issues they're also supposed to report any concerns they have over a patient potentially being tipped over the edge!

OP you are right to find someone new, request a refund and complain to her governing body. You are absolutely NOT 'disproportionately angry' - if your issues were different and this wasn't likely to impact the things you're already working on I may say differently, but especially considering you're likely to be impacted by this (because of the very thing you went to her for therapy about!), you're right to be angry. That text - she's trying to make it seem like it's your fault for being disappointed rather than her fault for disappointing you and that's absolutely not on.

@Luciferthecat666
Given that my history includes being treated like I was a worthless afterthought through childhood, my mother literally not bothering to show up to pick me up from school at least 50% of the time etc etc, it's astonishing that she thinks it's cool to flake out and not show up herself!

With this therapist being utterly unreliable and treating me as if I am the lowest priority possible it's like I've recreated my childhood!! This may not be a coincidence -- I think it's likely I've tolerated this therapist's flakiness because it feels familiar. I also reckon there's probably been other more minor issues with the therapist that I've probably glossed over because of my "well I'm worthless anyway so what would I expect?" mindset.

@MummytoCSJH. Right. What the heck is she on about "processing" this in the next session? The issue is that she didn't turn up and "forgot," not the fact that I'm disappointed by her genuinely disappointing behaviour.

[quote Trying2Heal]@MrsMaryBOOface. actually that's a good point. If I was not showing up for sessions or buggering about and wasting her time I bet she'd sack me as a client!!![/quote]
Yes! This this this. You're not unreasonable, she has been very unprofessional and flippant by offering rubbish make ups when she's fucked up. You need a new therapist you can feel safe and secure with - if those feelings aren't there then therapy is usually not effective. Poor you, I'm sorry you've been let down.

@Smallsteps88

“We can process further”

Brass fucking neck! She means to use your therapy sessions, which you pay for, to process your feelings of disappointment that she has caused?? Is she for real?

I would cancel all future sessions. I might let her know. I might not.

Totally agree, absolute brass neck using your money to 'process' her fuck up!!!

Trying2heal. It was a bit of a fluke that I was treated on the nhs for PTSD. My GP said to refer myself through IAPT for therapy because I was increasingly depressed by a health condition I was getting nowhere in sorting out. It took 9 months on waiting list before I was offered a course of CBT. While I’d been waiting I paid to see a consultant about my condition and was getting it treated and felt a lot more positive about it. Over the same waiting period though my poor DD had a stillborn baby and that loss Alain triggered off a whole lot of distress about my DMs death which was very traumatic and something I had flashbacks to for years afterwards. After DDs stillbirth I felt traumatised by what DD had been through and from trying to be strong for her while feeling heartbroken. I also felt re-traumatised about DMs death so I kept the appointment for CBT.

When I saw the therapist and explained all this she said CBT wouldn’t be appropriate but would I consider EMDR therapy as that was her area of expertise and thought it could be helpful. I agreed and had I think around 20 sessions. She was amazing and I was finally able to put a picture of my DM up in the living room after 15 years of not being able to look at a photo of her without it setting off flashbacks to her time in hospital. It was a hard therapy to go through as you have to visualise really distressing incidents but it helped. It was only because I felt comfortable enough with the therapist that I could be truly honest and open and cope with the vulnerability of saying what I needed to talk about. You need really sound, caring and professional people who you trust and who are reliable when you are doing stuff like this. I couldn’t have gone through it with anyone as unreliable and unprofessional as your person sounds .

I can really see why you feel angry.

I'd tell her you want a refund for the 2 short sessions and then find a new therapist. She is disorganised to the point of being unreliable and hugely disrespectful of your feelings and your time. Its completely unacceptable and you should tell her that. I would also complain to the BACP about her conduct with regards to you paying for sessions and then not getting the full time because she has double booked.

What a cheek. I’d request a refund for all the sessions she’s curtailed.

I know you've had lots of comments on the thread already so I'm sure I'll be repeating what many others may have said but wow how unprofessional!

If you've paid upfront for x number of sessions at 50 minutes and she has not fulfilled that then tell her you expect a refund for the unused time and then tell her you will not be continuing to use her services.

Hi Op its very tempting in your position cause of your therapist current crap unprofessional attitude and way of doing things just not turn up for next week Appointment with her,it would be quite interesting what kind of email she sends,
obviously you send an email first stated that you need to be refunded cause of x y z reasons,and you defaintely need to report her to her medical field governing body A.s.a.p 😡

She is messing your head even further with her flakey Calivier way of doing things,springing last min unwanted susprises, this is disrespectful, (how on earth can therapist way of doing stuff foster good enough stable healthy working client therapist etc,

She is a like a crap joke, I feel that she this therapist is in a way taking advantage of power imbalance of her being a Therapist and you being a clieny who is struggling to come to terms with personal issues.😡

Get rid of this dead weight therapist who is no good and find a better Therapist whether with NHS or private,

[quote Trying2Heal]@Luciferthecat666
Given that my history includes being treated like I was a worthless afterthought through childhood, my mother literally not bothering to show up to pick me up from school at least 50% of the time etc etc, it's astonishing that she thinks it's cool to flake out and not show up herself!

With this therapist being utterly unreliable and treating me as if I am the lowest priority possible it's like I've recreated my childhood!! This may not be a coincidence -- I think it's likely I've tolerated this therapist's flakiness because it feels familiar. I also reckon there's probably been other more minor issues with the therapist that I've probably glossed over because of my "well I'm worthless anyway so what would I expect?" mindset.[/quote]
@Trying2Heal That's another a reason why her behaviour is completely unacceptable, unprofessional and very unethical. Making a patient feel even lower than what they already are shows that she really isn't doing her job and certainly isn't worth the money you're paying. You should definitely get firm and tell her you want a refund on all sessions she cut short and you want your money back from sessions you've paid but not yet had. If she gets difficult then report her to GMC or whatever governing body she is accountable to. Don't bother doing anymore sessions with her its probably best to cut your losses and go to a therapist who will actually do their job and be worth the money you're paying!

Out of curiosity how did you find this therapist? Did someone recommend her? I'd suggest when looking for another one maybe ask your GP if they can recommend a reputable therapist that you can go private to?

She's stressing you out and making you feel unimportant. That's the opposite of what therapy is about. Get rid of her!

I'd report her for bad practice. Tell her you expect your money back for the cancelled and shortened sessions.
And leave reviews online.
That's so slack and downright unethical.

@Wauden

Just my view, but I find her explanation believable and she is going through a family issue. My therapist didn't get back to me once and I thought, we all make mistakes and I thought of the bigger picture. Turns out that she was dying. She has gone now and the funeral was lovely. Miss her lots.

I don't think any of us expect a therapist to turn up if they are dead or almost there. This one is just fannying about though.

@Trying2Heal, it's very interesting that you have identified your feelings that she is replicating your treatment as a child. There is also a phenomenon known as counter-transference, experienced by the therapist, where they find themselves influenced by the therapeutic relationship to the point where they feel pulled into playing a particular role. This can actually be useful, as long as the therapist recognises it and works through it in their own supervision.

It sounds to me that she has not been attending or making proper use of her supervision (generally once a month with a more experienced colleague), which is highly unprofessional and unethical.

I absolutely agree that you should insist on a refund, find a new therapist, and make a complaint to her professional body.