BIL and SIL - do we call them out on this?

[Nutbutter]

We’ve just had our second baby 2 weeks ago. DC1 is 18 months. It’s been quite tough in lockdown with no support as all our family live far away and DH is working long hours. The exception is BIL and SIL (DH’s brother and his wife), who live a 15 min drive away. Before BIL was with SIL (he’s been with SIL 4 years and married for 2) we were really close. We’ve always been friendly towards SIL but don’t think she likes us and we only see them now when initiated by us. BIL is happy to let her control his social life and it apparently doesn’t include seeing us much!

Anyway, since the baby was born BIL has only texted congrats. All other family members have sent presents and cards and called us for facetimes, and all our local friends have dropped round food and come to say hello to the baby on the doorstep. I feel really offended that BIL and SIL basically haven’t acknowledged their new nephew. To be clear, it’s not the lack of gift that’s upset me but the fact that it shows they don’t care about us, which I find really sad. By contrast, when their other brother had a baby earlier this year BIL and SIL travelled the significant distance to see them.

I feel like we should speak to them and basically ask if there’s something we’ve done to offend them. DH just wants to let it go and accept that his bro doesn’t want a close relationship with us anymore.

So as not to drip feed, they are expecting their first baby in the new year. I was really hoping the cousins could be close.

I would be offended too. I have sent multiple baby gifts and birthday gifts via the post over the last 10 months. I wouldnt dream of letting lockdown stop me. Amazon do champagne and chocolates, plus multiple baby gifts. So if desperate they have that. or even an e-gift card.

however i wouldnt say anything about it as it will cause issues and she will deny having a problem. i would just accept she doesnt want you to be part of their lives and direct your effort into people who deserve it. also i would not ignore their child as its not the childs fault.

Earlier in the year was presumably when we were not in lockdown and your SIL was not heavily pregnant and at the most risky time for covid infection. Maybe they could have sent a gift but you really sound like you are expecting too much.

I would encourage your husband to try to meet up with his brother on their own sometimes. Partly to recoup some of their closeness which has been lost since SIL came on the scene. And partly just to see how he is as it seems that SIL is trying to keep him away from you.

If your dh builds up his relationship with his brother then the brother might actually get off his arse to initiate contact with you all himself.

But I fear the SIL doesn't like you and doesn't want any closeness. Try and retain it with the bil despite this if you can

I think DH could say ‘hey, we don’t hear from you much these days, have we done something?’ That’s fair enough and also if there is something up it’ll come up. You don’t need to mention baby until bro says ‘why do you ask’ and he can say ‘well you travelled a long way to meet niece but haven’t really had much to say about DD so I thought I’d offended you’

Risk of not saying anything is the gap can widen when a conversational might set a lot right

I agree that it's down to your DH to try to re-kindle the relationship with his brother. Even if just the two of them meet. Once restrictions lift, he should simply suggest they meet up for a drink or something.

My best friend and his brother barely met for years despite living in the same city. Ironically it was Covid that brought them back together, as the rest of their social life dried up. It just took one of them to contact the other. It turned out they each would like to have been closer, but thought the other wasn't bothered because they didn't hear from THEM! They're closer than they've ever been now. What a waste of a few years each waiting for the other to indicate that they'd like to meet up for a drink.

It's hard to judge entirely based on a written post but something about the tone of your OP and your subsequent replies automatically puts some people's hackles up, including mine. Before a single guy gets paired up, often there are some weird dynamics with the female partners of either a friendship group or in your case siblings. There is quite often a sense of proprietorial marking of territory. Who knows if you weren't like that and your SIL didn't accept your perceived alpha female status and has no interest to pander to you. She doesn't have to like you or have a relationship with you. Your posts about taking on the wifely duties are very sneering and also very telling! Your second baby ranks very low on her list of priorities, especially while she is heavily pregnant and working an incredibly stressful job. Any ongoing contact is solely down to your BIL and he's apparently not so keen now, focusing on his own family. That's also entirely normal. You sound very bitchy and sniffy about your SIL's family's wealth. You have no fecking idea of how hard her life is despite her apparent material wealth. With every further post you perhaps subconsciously reveal why they have no interest to be in close contact.

I understand your hurt, OP. It’s rude and uncaring not to even comment on the photos of your baby, and I would have expected your BIL to have phoned your DH to congratulate him.
The fact that you weren’t invited to BIL’s party suggests that SIL doesn’t care much for either of you - she doesn’t necessarily dislike you, but you don’t appear to be on her radar. Perhaps you just have nothing in common?

My husbands sister had a baby during early lockdown. He sent a text we didn’t even meet it until august when lockdown relaxed and even then he didn’t give a card or a present infact I still don’t think his held the baby or really looked much in its way tbh. Then again sil is the queen of passive aggressive texts about her pregnant such as “just in case you where wondering about your niece/nephew they are wanting to(whatever about her pregnancy)” not that she had once asked about our children mind during those months 😏

OP, I know where you are coming from. My SIL barely acknowledges anyone on her side of the family, including her two brothers; my in-laws spent Christmas on their own last year because she didn't bother to invite them over even though it was only her, her husband and the grown-up kids. I'd bought a load of presents to take up after Christmas and she informed me by text about a day or two before that they weren't doing Christmas presents for anyone that year apart from themselves and my in-laws. They haven't acknowledged wedding invites from my siblings, when my dad passed, no word of condolence, eventually a card turned up, she is godmother to our niece but our niece doesn't even remember her name these days! I could go on. In other words, your husband's brother and wife have decided they are withdrawing from you and probably prefer other people. They don't want to be part of the family. You just have to forget it and move on. It does hurt but blood is not thicker than water and we can't all have the relationships we strive for. (Also have similar issues with first cousins on one branch of the family!) I honestly wouldn't bother with them, but if you do, it should be your husband who initiates it with his brother.

So does BIL get on with his other brother better?

Were you really close before SIL came along?

Who made all the effort?

@grumpyHoonMain

You would even send a card if your niece or nephew was born in lockdown??!

Wow that's bloody lazy cold

Are they waiting for you to invite them?
Other people’s babies are of little interest to me.
However I depends on I feel about the parents, I can feign interest if the adult is important to me! Oh dear I am not helping sorry.

Calm down.

These are strange times, and everybody's family is not the same as yours.

Sorry, I think you need to stop obsessing with this a move on.
Enjoy your baby!

"calm down"

2 words guaranteed to annoy. Only made worse and more passive aggressive if you would have added "Karen"

Oh com ON it's been 2 weeks in a lockdown!
Have you invited them over OP?
Maybe they are just giving you some space?

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time on here OP. In typical Mumsnet fashion, posters are quick to call you hard work or accuse you of being hormonal or unreasonable. I don't think you are being. You're just hurt and puzzled as to why your husband's brother is not showing an interest in your new addition, which in the context of your family dynamic is a bit abnormal.

I've been treated similarly recently in an almost identical situation, but I would second what some PPs have said-I know that you're hurt on your DH's behalf but I would try to put it past you and move on, and accept that they've been a little off. Try not to let it bother you. Congratulations on your little one and focus your energy on your family unit instead.

I'm so surprised by all these replies saying why should they be interested, you're too demanding, nobody cares about their relatives' babies etc. This is their niece or nephew! I just can't imagine not being thrilled and excited about a new addition to our family, and yes I'd definitely be sending a card and a present, and asking for updates. Of course you'd expect them to congratulate you and want to see pictures! You are not in the wrong here, OP.

But I don't know what confronting them will achieve. They're making it clear that for whatever reason they aren't interested, and yes it may be that this is driven by your SIL. All you can do is keep being friendly and courteous, be positive and welcoming when their new baby arrives, but don't over-extend yourself for people who are not going to reciprocate.

I hope BIL finds his way back to you one day. It's sad for siblings to drift apart.

@Krampusasbabysitter

It's hard to judge entirely based on a written post but something about the tone of your OP and your subsequent replies automatically puts some people's hackles up, including mine. Before a single guy gets paired up, often there are some weird dynamics with the female partners of either a friendship group or in your case siblings. There is quite often a sense of proprietorial marking of territory. Who knows if you weren't like that and your SIL didn't accept your perceived alpha female status and has no interest to pander to you. She doesn't have to like you or have a relationship with you. Your posts about taking on the wifely duties are very sneering and also very telling! Your second baby ranks very low on her list of priorities, especially while she is heavily pregnant and working an incredibly stressful job. Any ongoing contact is solely down to your BIL and he's apparently not so keen now, focusing on his own family. That's also entirely normal. You sound very bitchy and sniffy about your SIL's family's wealth. You have no fecking idea of how hard her life is despite her apparent material wealth. With every further post you perhaps subconsciously reveal why they have no interest to be in close contact.

Sorry I’ve “got your hackles up”. Actually BIL wasn’t a “single guy” before he got with his fiancée. He had another girlfriend who we got on really well with - they’d been together since before I was with DH. She wanted him to propose but he wasn’t ready for the commitment so she dumped him and he met SIL online only a few weeks later. I don’t think of myself as an alpha female and I highly doubt BIL or SIL do/did either 🤣

Also I’m not at all bitchy or sniffy about SIL’s family wealth - DH and I are in a comparable financial position. I only mentioned it because people suggested that the pandemic/lack of family support might have affected things for her/them and I wanted to make clear that they aren’t lacking either materially or emotionally in that respect. You’re right that I don’t have much insight into how “fecking hard” her daily life is, but all I can go on is what I hear from MIL which is that everything is great atm.

As for the “wife work” comments, I do find it pathetic when a man expects his wife to make all the running for family/social type stuff. It’s certainly not how DH and I behave. SIL actively assumes that role and talks about having to look after BIL as if he’s a child. I find it odd and a bit annoying that she effectively controls his diary but have never commented on it to her/BIL.

You cannot blame her @Nutbutter

If your BIL was that bothered, he'd show it.

Thanks everyone for the replies. It’s been really helpful to see that everyone basically agrees there’s no point saying anything now. DH wants to let things lie and if that means no relationship with his brother then so be it. It’s difficult for me because if it were me and my brother behaved like this I would absolutely have raised it with him before now, but DH and I are very different people.

@thesnob20

You cannot blame her *@Nutbutter*

If your BIL was that bothered, he'd show it.

Yes I completely agree - I’ve said that a few times on this thread.

Op saw your update about sending baby pics and they did not respond! Am shocked! How did they just ignore their new nephew and not feel the need to say something? It's people like that, I don't understand! Fine sil didn't reply. But bil didn't reply?? Why? Does she control him? Or did she delete it before he could see it? I say this because I know someone who would do this, delete mssgs from her dh phone that were from his family.

@ruby4ever

Op saw your update about sending baby pics and they did not respond! Am shocked! How did they just ignore their new nephew and not feel the need to say something? It's people like that, I don't understand! Fine sil didn't reply. But bil didn't reply?? Why? Does she control him? Or did she delete it before he could see it? I say this because I know someone who would do this, delete mssgs from her dh phone that were from his family.

Well yeah but according to many posters I’m expecting too much of them...

I doubt SIL is deleting messages from BIL’s phone, I think he’s just been rubbish tbh. He’s never been good at replying to messages, which is obviously no excuse. He did send the original congrats message though. We have a WhatsApp group with the 4 of us on it and SIL has said nothing so far.