Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It would appear that your brother may at some stage be in need of somewhere to live and I quite understand why your Mum would perhaps want to give him a larger proportion. But to give it all to him seems very unfair and insensitive.

I really do understand you feeling very hurt, particularly as you are also of the opinion that your are not the "favourite". I think I would have to say something - that I felt very hurt and that this decision has made me feel less loved and valued than my brother. I would also mention that jobs these days are very precarious and nobody's income - if it comes from employment - can be relied upon to continue at the same level or, possibly, at all.

I hope you can resolve this matter amicably and I wish you all the best.

My husband and I decided to split whatever assets there are 40/60 in favour of our son because he has a big mortgage and my daughter's house is of substantially higher value and mortgage free. We discussed it with our daughter and she quite understood. But your situation is very different and I think your mother has behaved in a very unkind and divisive way.

I think it would be unwise to talk about Court proceedings. I'm not sure if you could make a valid claim. I believe people can leave their assets to whomever they choose, except in certain circumstances. So you would have to get proper legal advice. Anyway, that would surely make matters a lot worse by causing a lot of family friction.

Hollow Talk sadly it's too late, we've been sitting at her bed side this weekend, sadly its almost over for her.

God works in mysterious ways. Non believers often find that to their detriment. It’s not all about the money, and when your Brother retires from his good work, he deserves a nice home to end his days in comfort.

God indeed does work in most mysterious ways. He/ She/It works so that when you are at your most vulnerable and grieving a sibling comes to the fore and takes your inheritance.

I totally understand where you are coming from with this - you can still feel hurt by your mum's decision , even although you don't want or need (at present!) any money that future inheritance would bring, and ultimately would obviously rather have HER than her money.

It is perfectly understandable for you to be hurt by a decision that makes you feel you are not equal in her eyes or love.

I've read the OPs posts, but skimmed the last few pages of the rest of the thread. Really disappointed in the tone of some posters - the OP has been quite clear that she doesn't want to contest the decision, that she loves her mum and wouldn't with old care out of spite etc; she is just (rightly) feeling hurt but what looks to be an unfair decision. Brother is well educated and choose the church life; as pointed out, he is not financially disadvantaged through health or lack of choices - as far a I recall, OP clearly stated that in those circumstances she would have expected and supported such a decision.

For what it's worth OP, my opinion would be to have the conversation now. You can tell your mum how her decision has made you feel and why. At least that way you know she knows, and if she still goes ahead then perhaps knowing that you did have the conversation will lessen any possible feelings of bitterness when the time comes.

As an aside, I wonder if the assumption would be that the church would ultimately benefit from the house? DB would donate proceeds from the sale? But if that really was her intention, it would perhaps be easier for you to accept if it was stipulated in her will that this was the case ; thereby neither of you inherit the house.

God works in mysterious ways. Non believers often find that to their detriment. It’s not all about the money, and when your Brother retires from his good work, he deserves a nice home to end his days in comfort

By that analysis -
He doesn't 'deserve' his sisters share
He is likely working for his reward in Heaven
His sister is probably doing good work, just not on behalf of a church

Understand. I am in a similar situation but in my case I did nothing. My father is leaving the house to my brother. My brother is single and lives with my Dad. He has an amazing well paid job, several fancy cars and never moved out. My mother died last year and since then my brother has started paying a tocken rent but my Dad feels because they live together he should get the house. I live with my kids and partner. We earn less than my brother but a couple years ago after renting since we were 18 and getting no help from family we finally got the deposit for a house so have a mortgage now so in my Dad’s view we are ok. My brother did say to my Dad he thought I would be unhappy but I just felt it was his money he can do what he wants with it. Even though I feel it is unfair.

God works in mysterious ways. Non believers often find that to their detriment. It’s not all about the money, and when your Brother retires from his good work, he deserves a nice home to end his days in comfort

To the detriment of the relationship between him and his sister... yeah right...

I'd feel quite hurt if I were in your situation. And you bro will probably hand his inheritance over to the Church which would really smart...

God works in mysterious ways. Non believers often find that to their detriment. It’s not all about the money, and when your Brother retires from his good work, he deserves a nice home to end his days in comfort

By that analogy he doesn’t need the house as God will provide... in a mysterious way.

I won't be popular here with my opinion. It's your mum's house and hers to do what she likes. You say both you and your brother may not get anything in the end should the house have to be used to pay for her care. BUT if it weren't so, you still think it would be unfair for it all to go to him. It is about money. We should learn to not expect to inherit anything. Bonus if we do. Your brother made life choices approved by your mum, why is that wrong? Similarly, she should not judge you for your choices but I don't see why she can't leave her house to your brother because he isn't really "working". Perhaps she feels you have stability and he doesn't . Who knows. I have 2 sons who are 11 years apart. As we are a small family and my husband passed from stomach cancer, I made sure that the boys are close despite the age difference. I also sat my older boy down and spoke about how money and property needs to be set aside for his younger brother in case something happens to me.I have paid for private schooling for him, paid for his university. He has zero debt and has had a great and privileged childhood when his dad was around. He graduates next year with a great job lined up already. But when I spoke to him 2 years ago about what needs to happen, you know, In case I drop dead. He said he doesn't mind at all. " I'd make my own money, mum. You don't need to leave anything to me and I would take my brother with me wherever I have to be until he has to go off to university". I was relieved he understood. I think your mum has her reasons. If you can speak to her without the relationship suffering, then by all means, do so gently.
Again, it's just my opinion. 10 years ago, I told my dad I didn't need any inheritance and to leave it all to my brother who isn't as well off as I was doing then. Although my circumstances have changed, I have no regrets.

@randomer

God indeed does work in most mysterious ways. He/ She/It works so that when you are at your most vulnerable and grieving a sibling comes to the fore and takes your inheritance.

Well I’m a firm believer in God and I don’t think He would be happy with this at all.

Again, it's just my opinion. 10 years ago, I told my dad I didn't need any inheritance and to leave it all to my brother who isn't as well off as I was doing then. Although my circumstances have changed, I have no regrets.

I think this is more reason for OP to speak to her mum and let her feelings be know, tbh. OP’s situation could change too, she could lose her job, get sick etc

I wonder has your brother somehow coerced your mum into thinking this is where her money is needed ie the church?

Maybe not but whilst you prob won’t change her mind I do think u need to sit her down and explain to her what her decision means:
That you are hurt at the unfairness
That your husbands position is precarious and you may not always be as comfortable
That you have worked hard and struggled to get where you are and your brother chose his vocation knowing the limited lifestyle
That the church probably has provision for him the rest of his days
That the burden of her care will probably fall on you and that you will instead have to carry on working to ensure you have a good pension for yourself
That you will honestly feel bitterness and resentment and it may well affect your relationship with your brother

At least you will get it off your chest and not carry the burden. The church preaches forgiveness so Maybe if you unburden this onto her and feel she has listened you may be able to forgive her a little

Oops, I meant my opinion won't be popular.

The situation of having to provide extra for a minor child, when the other parent has died, is not remotely comparable to the OPs situation.

If you were on your uppers and he was still without a proper income it would, in all probability, be divided equally
Your brother took his job not knowing of your mother's plans, therefore, as your mum is of a religious bent, it stands to reason that she would want to support him

Who knows if when her mother dies after what could be years of her looking after her she may very well be on her uppers. No one knows what the future holds.
5 years ago in January we thought we were in a good position.
Good pension, savings and a good job.
Cancer and Covid put an end to that. We, together with our 2 adult children are now on UC.
No one can forecast the future.

I don’t believe that the son didn’t know he was going to inherit the whole house from his mother.
Whilst he might be doing good works and living on little money he knows he will be looked after by the church or his mother.

If anything he is the one that doesn’t need the house.

Yanbu. You have something you need to get off your chest .

You can tell your mum how you feel without sounding too aggrieved.

Maybe she thinks she is acting in the best way... but I find it strange that she told you ahead of time. You have every right to be hurt but as hard as it is, just act in the interests of your true and lovely self and you must be lovely because it took courage to even admit your feelings to yourself let alone post them. Try distant compassion, I know hard, very hard, but with practice, it works. Inheritances rip families apart, I am caught up in one, I am not even a beneficiary but have had to stand by and see so called family members 'unjustly enrich' themselves at the expense of my mother and I pick up the shortfall by having to financially help my mother. The feelings of anger I experienced shocked me, and your feelings may shock you, but they are natural and more importantly, you have a right to them. Journal them, solidify them and tell them to your mother - as she has taken you into her confidence over this, so she must expect the same returned. As for your brother, speak with him and ask that he participate more in helping with your mother, be it weekly phone calls, letters, zoom, team etc. Let him know that his presence is needed and that visits from him a must - surely as a Christian he can see that? Meanwhile, focus on yourself and your family - if your mother's demands become too much then calmly discuss with her, her needs then point her in the direction of social services, that is what they are there for. Above all else do not lose your lovely nature. I wish you loads of luck in this, both to you and your family.

My father did similar. And gosh it hurts. So you loved that child more than me? If you have only £5 to leave, it must be divided equally. No matter what the circumstances. And if you don’t, it just means strife and division between siblings. Does she want that to be her legacy? I would definitely speak to her and explain your side of this.

My sister is a multi millionaire and her husband’s parents from whom she and her husband will inherit are also multi millionaires. They have so much already including speed boats, a mansion... you get the picture. I live in a one bedroom rented flat with my family and can’t afford to save for a deposit for a house. My parents are still leaving us equal amounts. And I think that is right. She doesn’t need the money but it is a final bid to treat us equally and be fair.

My brother lives abroad like yours op and struggles immensely financially- his family have nothing. Whereas dh and I are wealthy. We do not need an inheritance.

I raised this with my mother when she talked about her will but she said she wouldn’t dream of not leaving us equal shares, even though she worries every day about how her son is managing.
Had she taken me up on the idea of leaving it all to my brother I’d have been fine, but had it come from her, I think I would have understood but been hurt.

Hi OP
A couple of thoughts, if you're still reading.
I am have a Christian faith too. I would have sympathy for your mother should she decide, having heard you out, to donate the money straight to the church as opposed to treating one child differently to another. It's not a choice I would ever make myself but it's a moral position I can understand in theory and feel is authentic. I know this isn't a popular view on this thread.

What I am hoping won't emerge, but fear it may, is that the choice is actually equally to do with the fact that she feels men 'should' be able to support their wives and children and she thinks your brother cannot. Yes, she approves of his life choices and wants to make things easier for him. But she is also assuming you don't 'need' it because you have a husband to 'look after' you. I'd challenge her on this and remind her of her own situation, how that panned out.

If she says/implies anything as remotely odious as what Today1 said upthread, I'd start the process of backing away from her. But I think this is highly unlikely.

Talk to her while you can. My mother did thus to me but didn’t tell me, I only found out after she died. I was and still am financially secure and my sister was supported by my parents all through her life because she chose to work with animals and never made any money. My sister and I no longer speak, and I wasinitially very hurt and angry, but hav3 now accepted the situation, it was wrong, but even more wrong then your situation as they didn’t have the courage to talk to me about it.

@today1

God works in mysterious ways. Non believers often find that to their detriment. It’s not all about the money, and when your Brother retires from his good work, he deserves a nice home to end his days in comfort.

But it's not God who has decided to disinherit op, it's her mother.

I guess non believers are OK doing the care and work? Wonder if op dm has joined mn?