Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

Yeah exactly. Just because people are 'missionaries' it doesn't mean they are 'doing good.' No disrespect to your brother OP, but even without being abusive or exploitative, some might say it's just a lifestyle choice that allows for cheap living in a developing country while 'western savouring' over the people of that place.

That way at least family interactions will be genuine without the pretence that many seem to think is okay (not you OP, but other posters saying this would be reason enough to go NC in an otherwise seemingly good parent-child relationship with no other problems).

Thing is, if a parent disinherits their child, the relationship obviously wasn't as good as the child thought. Clearly the parent doesn't feel there is a relationship. So why would you ignore this and say "ah well, I still love you, and I'll do everything for you" when the parent is openly saying "I don't love you at all, and I won't do anything for you, even something which is of no cost or consequence to me as I'll be dead".

I would act dumb and ask her outright why she’s giving your brother the house? What’s the reasoning behind the devicive decision? Ask her to think about what that has made you think and feel. Ask how she thinks the favouritism will effect your relationship with her or your brother.

Ask lots of questions

Not suggesting the OPs brother is a paedophile

Yes you were.

I would probably ask a lot of questions to help her reflect on her decision and then give her a large amount of space In which to think things over. If she doesn’t love you equally what’s the point in anything?

Some of the recent messages here are really quite offensive.

It's her choice BUT I would feel very hurt if my mum did that. If it happened to me I would most certainly split the money with my sibling regardless of the will. Have you talked to your brother and found out if he thinks it's fair? One would think, as a person of religion, he would think an equal split more fair?

DB works in the church - '...this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.'

I'm not sure I'd try that argument with DM.

You are a SAHM. Your choice, your lifestyle.

I can see where DM's coming from, but it's cruel to be so unfair. You might point out that while DH is paying better than God at the mo, it might not last.

And churches look after their own way better than the divorce courts or the DWP would ever look after you.

If, however, I learned that one of my DCs was planning to adjust the amount of care I would get in my old age according to his/her inheritance expectations, I would be horrified. Shocked at myself at raising such a person, I would disinherit totally

Hmmm. would you be happy if your DS was giving up his job to care for you and changing your nappies several times a day?
That's doesn't say much for you imv rather than disinheriting your DCs.

I would just accept things the way they are OP. You can't change your parents and even if you tell your mum how you feel, she will always prefer your brother to you. I tell you this as I'm in the same position as you.

OP I am aware of a similar situation that happened about 20 years ago in the village I live. 2 siblings one with a husband in a great job, number of children in private school, lovely big house, foreign holidays, swimming pool - really comfortable. Other sibling worked as a nurse, unmarried, in early 50’s, no children, living in a small terraced back to back house with little savings but no significant debt other than small mortgage.
The mother decides to leave all the money to the less well off sister.
Sadly the well off sister husband goes bankrupt, has a breakdown, unable to work, wife had been a SAHM for years and years so could only get work at minimum wage. They had to sell the house move to rented etc. They now live an incredibly frugal life (but never complain).
The mother died after some of this had started but hadn’t changed the will.
Result, the sister is extremely well off now as the mother had a large property of significant value plus stocks and shares and savings.
The rich sister when this happened didn’t share with her other sister she just said if you need some money let me know. So every couple of years when debts run up or they need to fix their old rust bucket of a car they ask the sister for some help. She deliberates and asks lots of personal details about their finances then will give them the amount she thinks they need - which is sometimes a little less than they asked for but never more.
It is horrendous for them and is something I always think of when people talk about inheritance. You have to be fair and remember that situations change.
I’m in a similar position where I have worked hard, married, had children, bought a house and paid my bills whereas my sibling who is a few years older hasn’t. They have frittered money, lived a fun life, borrow off all of us constantly (never pay back), don’t live nearby and are not close to parents, still rent and flit from job to job (no children). Recently when talking about inheritance my mother suggested she would leave them their very big expensive house and only asset in the inheritance. This because she worried they may not have a house. I was hurt and blurted out my feelings which were that by living close to them, being a big part of their lives, having a good relationship I felt penalised for all of this with their decision made purely because I had worked hard, saved, done without when needs be.
I told my Mum I’d rather they cashed in the money for their property, lived a fab retirement and when the time came made the fair decision on inheritance. I think they were surprised and I explained I wasn’t being grabby as I didn’t care if they spent all their money the only thing I wanted was to be treated equally. But ultimately it is their money and they can do what they want - I’m just giving my opinion.
They are now in the process of selling their big property to move to a much smaller house to release some equity for their retirement which I am delighted about.
Sorry for the essay! I understand your hurt though.

OP I too would be hurt by the lack of fairness and the fact that you are not being treated equally. I would also be hurt by the fact that you have a closer more caring relationship towards your mum and that is not reciprocated. Your DB is absent and yet is forefront in your mums thoughts. That would eat away at me and the hurt would fester. I think I would have to talk about it. Talk to your mum about the unfairness before it risks damaging your feelings towards her. You sound like a wonderful aring daughter and don't deserve to be treated like this.

Anger eating away and festering is very destructive.....what to do if the other parties refuse to engage?

YANBU, perfectly understandable to feel the way you do. I would talk to your mum and say how you feel. Tell her what you have said here.
Of course it may not change her mind but I think she should know how you feel, you cant do something a divisive as this in your will and not expect consequences on relationships, tbh to it doesn't sound a kind or Christian thing to do. If the house is worth a lot if money would the sale enable your brother to buy a smaller property with 50%?

Your mum has made her choice so YABU.

It's unreasonable to be upset by this? I don't think so.

It may be your DM's choice it is a selfish choice 2 of my siblings are very well off they'll receive the same even split.
It's your choice not to like it if she puts no value of your relationship I'd go lc or at least expect a clause.
My cousin got to stay in her DM's home for life but when she dies the house must be shared between her siblings DC she has none everyone happy.
On the other side of the family my aunt moved into my Nanny house the day she died, the aunt since died her DC my cousins sold it and split €600 thousand between them there was no witnesses of Nannys will my dad still alive got nothing. His nephews done well.

@EmeraldShamrock That is a case to involve lawyers with. If your Grandmother did not have a legal will, then she died intestate and her estate passed to her next of kin. By the sound of it, that's her children, split equally between them.

Your dad was silly not to deal with this at the time but it might not be too late.

@randomer

Anger eating away and festering is very destructive.....what to do if the other parties refuse to engage?

They created the upset, so go low or no contact, and refuse to accept any obligation towards them. There's no sense in being a martyr or a masochist to bad family dynamics.

My heart goes out to you, it’s very unfair.
It is disappointing your mum has taken this approach, perhaps you have done too good a job of demonstrating that you are a responsible adult, economically viable, no longer the teenage pain in the bum, and she genuinely thinks an inheritance is something you don’t need.

I wonder what your brother thinks about it?
Whatever you decide, good luck.

Please say something to your mum while she can still change the will.

I’d say it’s her choice and it’s nice that she’s told you in advance

Estate should always be split equally between sibs unless there are exceptional circumstances. These circumstances are not exceptional!

Your DM favours your DB.
Personally, I'd let her house be sold to fund the care she will no doubt need.
You can still be a loving daughter without compromising your own quality of life for a DM who quite clearly puts you last - unless SHE needs something from you.