Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

I would let her know it’s causing distress now and will cause problems and division between you snd your brother in future. You should have a family talk, with you, your mum and your brother - your brother could well be as equally upset.

Ask your mum if she has discussed this with your brother? She may not have. Ask her what she thinks he would say about this? I would hope that he would not think it fair to have more than you. If she won’t speak to him, tell her you’ll sound him out yourself. I say this as a Christian myself with a non-Christian brother. If I thought my parents would set up their will this way I would be horrified. They haven’t done so in my case.

Talk to your mum, explain how you feel & hopefully you can work through the issue like adults 👍
I have never known inheritance to be split anyway other than equally & as much as I do get what your mum is saying your brother had chosen a life ofless so it is not through bad luck that he has less so why should you be left out.
Will your brother care for your mother in her old age or will you?
I for one would not see mine in a home if I could care for her myself. I cared for my grandmother for 9mths before she sadly passed away from undiagnosed bowel cancer. I did this because it was the right thing to do due to her not wanting to ever be in a home. I was not thanked for it by the family. I was quickly evicted from her house, within 2 weeks of her death, because they assumed due to me not having much money I would claim squatters rights & refuse to leave!
What I actually wanted to do was pay rent & decorate the house so they would get a better price at sale but despite discussing this with them they said no & kicked me out!
I rarely see them anymore but needless to say my opinion of them all went down drastically from that point so it is no hardship.

I think you should talk to your mother, but be very careful not to ask her to split the inheritance. Find a way to show her that you feel a little unloved (that's what comes through) rather than that you simply want 'your share'. Otherwise this will fester, and cause you, and your relationships with her and your brother, problems in the future

Your mother is being really unfair and unreasonable. Unless one sibling has a long term disability that affects their ability to work, your inheritance should be strictly equal. Nothing else is justifiable. I have two brothers both better off than me, one much richer, but I wouldn’t expect anything other than equal inheritance for all of us.

@MarcelineMissouri

Some of the recent messages here are really quite offensive.

Agreed, MN anti religion brigade up to their usual tricks. Have reported and hope you did too

if she leaves the house to your brother and he spends his time abroad who is going to pay the council tax each mounth and also pay for the repairs to the house as and when it requies any maintenince or is it going to fall apart and if the council tax is not paid the council will gat a court order to gey their money and if the property is left vacant it may be taken over by squaters who will wreck it ask her these questions

I think you should have this conversation with your mum. Whatever she decides is up to her but I think you need to say how you feel.

Just tell her you're delighted to know where you stand right now and that of course you know that your brother will be the one looking after her in her old age.... because of all the religious stuff etc...

My dad wanted to do this and leave his house ( our family home of many many years, and not worth that much, but more about the principle really) to my sister who has always struggled but has her own business and is local to him. My brother is very wealthy but I am divorced and was a single mum for a number of years, my children are all adults now. My brother and myself decided to say to my dad that we thought it was unfair and it shouldn’t matter who is well off and who isn’t everything should be split equally between all children. My dad had thought I was actually fairly comfortable and didn’t realise I struggled too, I just didn’t moan about it. Anyway to cut a long story short, after a chat he realised he was wrong and his will now shares everything equally and we re all happier, but hoping he’s going to be around for a few years yet

My dad left me nothing because I look like my mum he divorced when I was 4......I was angry at first but then I realised I don't need his money or house with that attitude and my half brother whom he left everything can have it because he is just as bad......refused to give me even a small possession of my dads (I gave the example of a mug or a tie so we are not talking expensive more a token item) because if dad had wanted me to have anything he would have left it to me. I just relish in the fact my dad died and no longer can spread his poisonous rubbish telling people I am scum for literally happening to look like my mum....he had no other explanation!! And karma will one day get my brother who is just as much an idiot.

Not the same by any means but what I want to say is it says more of them than you if your brother is decent he would share anyway. That said he may not be the perfect Christian he claims to be and keep it all! Time will tell but you will be ok either way x

I would try to speak to her about this and tell her your feelings. You never know what is around the corner, your situation might change drastically and you may find that you are more in need of support than your brother, who is being supported by the Church. It is her decision, but she should know how it makes you feel. And yes, you will be doing all the caring for your mother, especially as he only returns so infrequently, and this may well impede on your ability to work full time. If I was you, I would feel a little hurt by this decision. I have two adult children, one who is a high flyer and on a very good income, the other who is on minimum wage. It's difficult and I would discuss it with them, but I feel that they both should have an equal share, but take into consideration the needs of each other among themselves, although from experience, families often fall out over inheritance. I think it should be a family discussion, to include both children. Your brother might think also that he would want to share it with you.

I wouldn’t do things the way your mum is doing them. But, then I’m not religious. From her point of view she probably sees it as supporting her faith as much as supporting your brother personally.

I can see it would be hard for you to be on the outside when your mum and brother have this strong shared faith and sense of Christian mission.

It’s not your money, you don’t get a say in how your DM chooses to spend it or leave it.

@ShiteningMcQueen
A court would look at the financial circumstances of both parties, your brother and you and if your circumstances are, more or less, the same as they are now, any inheritance would most likely be skewed in your brother's favour.
If you were on your uppers and he was still without a proper income it would, in all probability, be divided equally.
Your brother took his job not knowing of your mother's plans, therefore, as your mum is of a religious bent, it stands to reason that she would want to support him.
Your OH, if he lost his job could retrain, as many do. You could upgrade your skills and get a better paid job as a cushion.
Your mother knows that your brother is unlikely to be made redundant from his calling therefore will still be impoverished in 10 20 30 years time but you and your OH might have increased your income in that time.
No-one IMO, has the right to dictate or moan about how parents spend or gift the money and assets they acquired through their own prudence and hard work.
Money and love are not bedfellows. It does not follow that your mother loves or values you less. That is simply YOUR perception, not her intention.

I actually am in the same situation, mum decides to leave entire house to sis who is a sahm with 3 kids (her dh works of cos), because both me & my dh are both working and stable and we only got 1 kid. It does feel like I'm being penalised for being hard-working and continue to work. But at the end I decided to leave it because it's her money, and I wouldnt want to appear that I'm fighting for her inheritance. My dh also agreed it's v unfair, her mum will always treat them equally no matter who makes more. It is a large amt of money, I would understand if it's a bigger split for her maybe cos she needs it but not the case unfortunately!

Its your mothers estate and she can leave it as she chooses. She has supported uou throughout your childhood i assume so she owes you no more than that. Also a will can be changed at any time so if the time came and you were caring for her she may well change it then. Who knows what the future holds.. as you said you just want her to live a long life at this time.

My mum always told me and my older sister she would leave her house to my younger sister as she wasnt working. It seemed very unfair at the time but we let it go. Since then my little sister has passed away so we'll get our mams house in the future but we'd both prefer if our baby sister was still with us and got it. Material items don't actually matter all that much.

What your mother is doing is wrong and definitely not Christian Tell her how you feel Favouring one child over the other is not a good idea

Oh my goodness yes, you ABU.
It's your mother's estate and she can do what she likes with it. Just as you don't have to look after her in her old age if you don't want to.
Your brother has given his life to the Church and your mother is a Christian, it couldn't be more natural. Does your brother have a family of his own? Or has he given up that life opportunity to serve the Church too?
Nothing but heartache can come from avarice. Count your blessings; you've been so much closer to your mum over the years than he has. He's missed out on a lot of what you take for granted to serve a higher calling. Your mother wants to recognise that and ensure that he has the means to have some level of comfort in his old age. He will never have the memories of his mother that you have.

I am a practicing Christian but l think this is very unfair for what it's worth. Any inheritance should be shared equally.

Having that conversation is tricky, it will be unexpected on her side and she will interrupt. It may cause you both to say something that is hurtful. May I suggest you put pen to paper, sit down and write her a letter which she can read and re-read. That way you can say it all without interruptions and you can word it so that she understands your feelings but knows of your love. I would mention the fact he could donate it to the church unless of course you think this would please her.

I would discuss it and make it clear that this conversation is about the relationship between you and your perceived favoritism and her discussion with you re: inheritance has simply been the catalyst.

If you think it will help simply to get it off your chest, go for it but if you are expecting a life long dynamic to change you will be sorely disappointed because this behaviour is entrenched and no matter how guilty she may feel nothing is likely to change because religion is often stronger than family ties. You've also given her a rough ride as a teenager and whilst she may love you those scars sting.

She might be an adult and a mother but she's also human and sometimes the damage is done so you may have to just accept your relationship as it is and make peace with it. That's often the best you can aim for.

As a Wills and probate solicitor I have seen all manner of Wills (unequal splits, writing people out, giving it all to the dogs home) and family situations. If you have an issue with what she has told you then now is the time to raise it in as sensitive a way as possible. It is absolutely her right to leave her estate as she wishes and you shouldn’t pressurise her to do differently, however she may have no idea at all that it is hurtful to you. She has opened the door for comment from you by telling you her intentions. I am sure that she would prefer you raise it with her now than let it become an issue between you and your brother after she’s gone. Believe me when I say the combination of emotions after a death and inequality in a Will is a recipe for disaster.

Re claiming in court, it would be a waste of time. Independent adult children are rarely found to be “entitled” to anything unless their situations fit a very specific set of circumstances.

I haven't read of the other comments. Just saying my absolute first thoughts. I can totally understand that this has really niggled you and I would feel exactly the same. Although your mum can and will do, what she wants with her possessions, I don't think this is fair at all. Apart from whether she feels you and your husband are comfortable or that she feels her son doesn't have anything is neither here nor there. I personally feel that everything should be split equally, regardless. The point now is, do you tell her how you feel. Of course she's not going to like you bringing it up and it could make your relationship with her very awkward. But this does need to be addressed even just to let her know it has made you feel a bit less loved to your brother. As for the brother, if he was a devout Christian then if this arrangement was conclusive then he would quite naturally or feel compelled to give you your rightful share. Like you say, it's not any easy subject for you to approach your mum but just start the conversation off in the same manner as when she sat you down to explain her intentions. I really hope this doesn't cause an awkward rift amongst the family. All the best.

My father wanted to do the same. Leave everything to my younger sister because she hadn’t done so well in life financially or partner wise. She, too, I later realised, was his favourite. As he became ill though all his care fell to me. Younger sister would do nothing for him. I think his motive may have been, in part, to get her to visit him in his old age.
I had done ok. One long term partner. Reasonable job. DH had worked long hours when kids were small to keep us out of debt.
My older sister however had a most difficult life. Bad choices in partners and dad had refused to let her come home when fleeing a violent partner. If anyone, she had the greatest need.
I felt like you do.
I told him, it’s his money to do what he likes. But that our older sister was in the greatest financial need and also me and my children would feel less valued if he cut us out. The most fair way would be to distribute in three fair shares.
I don’t know what he did to decide because we didn’t talk about it again. But he did leave equal shares to all three of us.
I think you should say something. I think she may be putting out feelers to see if you are bothered. Tell her that you are. Don’t argue or fight for it. It is her money, after all. But if you say nothing, she may never know your need.