Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

[me109f]

If your brother is truly religious it is possible that he would not be very interested in worldly wealth. Does he know his mother's plans?
Your Mum must be a bit bonkers, it happens when it comes to apportioning inheritence. Whatever her preferences you and your brother should be regarded reasonably equally. It is possible that she is more concerned about leaving the family home intact within the family and thinks it should go to her favoured child. There is every chance that your brother is very selfish and will accept his inheritance and be happy that you get little or nothing; equally he may just sell it and take the money abroad or gift it to the church or charities.
You need to get your brother involved and see how he views it. I would not rely on your brother making a substantial gift to you if he does get left the house, actual possession can make people very mean even to their own siblings. Your Mum is being cruelly decisive and wants to exert an influence beyond the grave.
You need to be careful, but should talk to your brother and then to your Mother.

[randomer]

Can I have some of whatever you're on please mommy lover?

[Emeraldshamrock]

Yes ! i feel moms are the best friend we can have. If you take her in confidence and then share it with her. It's going to be perfect
Just like in a Disney movie only a much sweeter movie.

[Mittens030869]

Yes ! i feel moms are the best friend we can have. If you take her in confidence and then share it with her. It's going to be perfect

This has got to be the most ridiculous post I've ever read on Mumsnet and that's saying something. It's also 100% fake IMO, no one could be so clueless.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Yes ! i feel moms are the best friend we can have. If you take her in confidence and then share it with her. It's going to be perfect

Well my mother tried to kill me.

I love how people think that just because they had a nice mother that everyone else has.

[Handsoffstrikesagain]

Yes ! i feel moms are the best friend we can have. If you take her in confidence and then share it with her. It's going to be perfect!

I get little quotes like this sometimes from packages I order off eBay from China :)

[gamerchick]

@Julius0104

Yes ! i feel moms are the best friend we can have. If you take her in confidence and then share it with her. It's going to be perfect!

Christ, if that's the case then I'm screwed

[Dontbeme]

@Sushi123

35Julius0104

Yes ! i feel moms are the best friend we can have. If you take her in confidence and then share it with her. It's going to be perfect!

Sounds like you live in an Enid Blyton book 🙄

Or been at the Christmas sherry early.

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

She has upset you with her actions and you are absolutely entitled to make that hurt known to her. If she can’t Even acknowledge it then deep down she’s not much of a Christian really is she?

[Sushi123]

35Julius0104

Yes ! i feel moms are the best friend we can have. If you take her in confidence and then share it with her. It's going to be perfect!


Sounds like you live in an Enid Blyton book 🙄

[Cashewrut]

Very familiar I'm afraid. In your brothers case it's a choice of (decent) vocation. I never understand those parents who penalise the child with a stronger work ethic instead of equal inheritance (and care when they are alive, the ones that dont ask for help often need it just as much)

[Julius0104]

Yes ! i feel moms are the best friend we can have. If you take her in confidence and then share it with her. It's going to be perfect!

[mumof3andteacher]

I am furious on your behalf. We have a very similar situation and I am eaten up with it. How does your mum know what the future holds? Also if she leaves it to the pair of you then you can make a decision of how to help your brother if he needs it.

[Sushi123]

Inheritance should not be means tested. My mum suggested leaving my sister less than me as she is better off, I totally disagreed... What does your brother think?

[randomer]

It's not about the ability to count ones blessings. There can not be many greater kicks in the teeth than facing the fact your parent favours your sibling.

[Roussette]

Sasuma
That is shocking, asbolutely awful.

[Sasuma]

I feel for you. I am 1 of 4 siblings and worked hard to go to university, get a good job and so on. I’m also married and DH has a good job, so we are comfortable. One sibling did the same. 2 don’t work and never have (out of choice) and will get the bulk of anything from our parents ‘because they need it more’.
I say if you can gently talk to your mum and this won’t cause her and you to fall out, then do, otherwise this will eat away at you and will cause resentment later when the time comes for your brother to inherit.

[Hillary4]

There really are some bitter, twisted and manipulative people on here, and some even use the good lord to excuse that

Have the discussion if you must and clear the air with Mum while you can, rather than have these septic controlling thoughts from some posters on here tarnishing her the memory

[OVienna]

I've come full circle on this as well. If - and it's a big if - this is about her faith the mum should just donate to the church directly. Don't channel it through the brother.

And so what if the OP doesn't share the mum's values? Do we just love and reward our children and look after them when they do or when we 'approve' of their life choices? I think this is what is happening here for the OP. How is that a loving legacy to pass onto your children?

[Veniemmanuel]

Massive projection there. My family are spread across 4 countries and we speak and keep in touch more than people I know who live in the same town with their parents and siblings. being abroad does not equate to a lack of contact.

[OVienna]

"Recognise & enjoy the blessings you already have". Pining for "the other man's grass" can only lead to bitterness, disappointment & dissatisfaction - and we can all do without those feelings.

Yeah. Some nice words, but not sure about this one, in this context, when you are talking about parental love and the OPs experience of how it has manifested in her life.

Whichever way you look at this, the OP has been disinherited by her mother. This must have come as a great shock - or if it didn't at the time, it may be sinking is as one now - and to characterise this as 'pining for another's man's grass' is actually abusive and I hope the OP isn't hurt by that.

[paws17]

^"But in this instant the sun is only shining on the righteous.
Surely the prodigal son in this case wouldn’t be the brother as he hasn’t gone away to live some non Christian life. It is MarcelineMissouri who has.
Or are you saying just because her brother works abroad and won’t ever return home he should get the lot. Surely the prodigal son mended his ways and returned to the family, not stayed away otherwise he wouldn’t have been the prodigal son."^

Sorry - I suspected my attempts to reference the Prodigal Son story might create confusion. I wasn't making parallels between the Prodigal Son & the OP's brother. I was hinting that the OP might be feeling like the elder brother in the story. Those feelings are entirely understandable - I felt them myself, too - but the message of encouragement to anyone in this situation, like the OP & the older brother, is "Recognise & enjoy the blessings you already have". Pining for "the other man's grass" can only lead to bitterness, disappointment & dissatisfaction - and we can all do without those feelings.

[steppemum]

@beavisandbutthead

I think the christian thing is a red herring. It sounds like Op brother spends most of his time abroad. Therefore highly likely he hardly bothers with his mother and her way of dealing with his rejection is to use his faith as an excuse for his lack of contact with her. She therefore leaves the house to the low contact DS. Helps her keep the narrative in her own head that the absent DC is off doing gods work and she will support that in her death.

Also just to add not all the 'christians' abroad are lovely people, some are abuser. So lets stop suggesting a christian abroad equates to doing good.

what a strange comment.

'her way of dealing with his rejection'
'his lack of contact with her'
'highly likely that he hardly bothers with his mother'

Massive amount of projecting and huge assumptions going on here!
I have lived abroad and so has one of my brothers, we both kept in clsoe contact with my mum while we were there. My parents didn't feel 'rejected' as they never expected their kids to live close and look after them, their philisophy of life is that kids go off and do their own thing.
I know, through work, many families who have lived overseas for a time, and they all work hard to maintain contact with their families in UK.

[beavisandbutthead]

I think the christian thing is a red herring. It sounds like Op brother spends most of his time abroad. Therefore highly likely he hardly bothers with his mother and her way of dealing with his rejection is to use his faith as an excuse for his lack of contact with her. She therefore leaves the house to the low contact DS. Helps her keep the narrative in her own head that the absent DC is off doing gods work and she will support that in her death.

Also just to add not all the 'christians' abroad are lovely people, some are abuser. So lets stop suggesting a christian abroad equates to doing good.

[OVienna]

I am sorry for over-posting. I keep coming back to this, as I know several families of faith and I can't help thinking how they would treat this situation.

I find @whittingtonmum's post interesting and I went back to your OP.

When she disclosed this news to you, did she talk more about your brother's choices based on his faith or his financial position? A lot of people have assumed here that it was more their shared faith that came into it, which may be the case. Or it may not be.

The upshot: I think the door is open for you to have another discussion not so much the goal of changing her mind as feeling through and feeling able to share the impact it has had on you. There seems quite a lot to unpick there in terms of the dynamic in the relationship between you, your mother, and your brother. I am also wondering how your father fits in and if any of this is to do with that old family dynamic and the divorce (you say he doesnt' approve of your brother's choices).

you have every right to ask your mum what is really going on here.