Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

[Clockwork99]

Yanbu. Have an honest conversation how it makes you feel. Could resolve this issue before the resentment sets in for good.

If you don't like what you hear, re-evaluate the situation. Maybe when your DM needs more support DB can do the Christian thing and help her

[thebear1]

My sibling is very well off in comparison to me, but I would be upset if my parents didn't split inheritance equally although I likely would be the one to benefit if they left the majority to the lower income child. Your brother may also be uncomfortable with the situation.

[Newuser991]

This is going to sound brutal but as the child who was constantly in her sisters shadow...I would tell her how unfair she is, take a massive step back and wash my hands of her when she is elderly. I'd throw her in a care home and let her house be sold to pay for it.

She doesn't care about you. Half of an expensive house would be enough for your brother.

If she wants to treat you differently then you treat her differently

[Medievalist]

You could point out that you would have a right to challenge the will in court if you had been provided with nothing and that this would inevitably lead to much difficulty, stress, upset and costs

Obviously don't do this!!

[rookiemere]

Yes as your DB is abroad, I do wonder who will be expected to look after your DM on a regular basis when she gets older.

[MissBaskinIfYoureNasty]

How Christian of your mother 🙄

[EmeraldShamrock]

Oh fuck don’t threaten to take your brother to court! It’s also highly unlikely you’d have any claim at all, unless you’re financially dependant on her now
I wouldn't just threaten I would take him to court and it is highly likely OP could contest the will if her mam was brainwashed with religion.

[Newgirls]

She needs to budget for nursing care etc which can really eat into inheritance. It can cost more than many homes. If she is relying on you to help her you might want to point out that you will still be busy working to pay your mortgage...

[Tadpolesandfroglets]

This has recently happened to me. I didn’t get the chance to have a conversation about it as I didn’t know the contents of the will. If you have a chance to speak about it I would.

[itchyfinger]

Yes love the christian mentality! Definitely tell your mum. How does your brother feel about this, being christian an all? Personally I could never accept the full inheritance from my parents and leave my own sibling high and dry.

[Ironingontheceiling]

I wouldn’t think much of your Christian brother if he didn’t give you half

[user1471538283]

I absolutely believe that if you have more than one child (or grandchild) you treat them equally. If she will not then her care as she gets older is up to your DB to sort out or she can pay privately. I would be very hurt

[Chloemol]

YANBU. I think inheritance should be split between any children. Life choices have been made by them for whatever reason and if that choice means less money for one then that’s their choice.

In your case I would be explaining the situation with your husbands job and that just because things look ok on the outside it doesn’t mean they are

I would also tell her that it may well be that there will be little money left anyway as it may go in care home fees, thus making it clear to her you won’t be looking after her if she gets to the stage she can’t look after herself

[Mindymomo]

I would definitely have a chat about it. Having just sorted out my Father in Laws estate, there’s more to sort out than just leaving everything to your brother, especially with him being in a different country. I would suggest both of you visit a Solicitor and talk about it. Is she expecting you to be Executor. I would be happier asking her to leave estate 50/50 and say you would look after your brother.

[Candleabra]

It didn’t seem fair that we’d end up in the same financial position despite making such different choices. Plus honestly it felt like they were endorsing his choices but not mine.

This sums it up.
Also rethink the glib statement about caring. Assuming you'll be delighted to provide care for your (currently well) parent at some point in the future is totally different to actually doing it.
I'm nearing the end of more than five years of extreme caring responsibilities for my parents. It has broken me. It creeps up on you, you don't start off with 24 hour responsibility but suddenly there you are with no life and health problems caused by stress and neglect.

[Worriedhomemover]

Wow OP this is awful. I’d be incredibly hurt.

Let her know how you feel. Agree with PP she is not ‘lovely’.

[Helmetbymidnight]

i would be so hurt op.

yes, tell her gently how you feel - if she is lovely she will understand and seek to change it.

[lottiegarbanzo]

She's effectively donating to the church. It's like a parish house, or if he sells it, a stipend, to allow him to carry on his work.

I'd view it like that, as a donation to an institution, rather than as a personal inheritance.

If he changed lifestyle, might she will it to the church, rather than to either of you?

You could have a general conversation about the precariousness of your situation, just so she's aware, without trying to connect it to her will.

Might it be relevant that, if your DH lost his job and had to take something lower paid, your income would become more important, so you wouldn't be available to work less to care for her, as she might have imagined?

[rookiemere]

@Helmetbymidnight if the DM was lovely she wouldn't have cut OP out of the will in the first place. She sounds Christian but not caring to her own family.

[Roussette]

Risotto that's awful, your poor Mum. It's almost like hard work doesn't pay isn't it?

I would say to your Mum that, much as you don't want it, this decision will obviously drive a wedge between you and your DB. Because it will.

[Roussette]

Sorry, the second para of my post was to OP not Risotto

[Bluntness100]

How Christian is your brother? Surely he’d say something, does he know?

[lottiegarbanzo]

If your brother is kind, he might share.

[lottiegarbanzo]

But in the end, it's her money to do with as she wishes. You're not entitled to anything. You're approaching this as if you are.

[Helmetbymidnight]

they never share (ime)

he'll say its mums wishes...