Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

I'd tell your mum that her plan has hurt you and makes you feel less valued. If your brother knows about this - he should say no to the plan and ask that you are both treated equally.

Wow - some people on here seem to have a problem with people having a religious belief!

Not read full thread apologies but on case anyone hasn't said: there's nothing to stop anyone leaving the legal ownership of a house to both children and the beneficial ownership of it to one. That way the brother can live in it should be want to but if he sells it the value is spilt equally.

Maybe ask her to speak to a solicitor about it?

Tell her this is lunacy!
That you should be treated equally.
Be strong.
I have a similar difficult situation and it’s hard but it’s worth the conversation.
Good luck x x

YANBU - I empathise with you completely. I have a different situation but my parents always said that my brother and I would get half each but because my brothers wife has rejected all of his side of the family , my parents have left inheritance to grandkids . I felt that they sold out on me a bit . We have a good relationship and I am the one who invites them to stay / for Xmas etc and I felt a bit hurt because I treat them well .My Parents can’t stand the thought if they leave anything to my brother then his wife may benefit - all a bit warped really .
You sound like a very nice person and not very angry at all so that’s good as these things can chew you up💐

It doesn’t sound very fair, as she has two children it should be equally split regardless of what each sibling is worth currently. As your brother is abroad does she expect him to return when she needs looking after or does she expect you to round around after her.
With the world as it currently is, who knows what the future holds for anyone. Think you should talk to your mother and explain how hurt you are at being excluded from the will and point out should she need more help around the house you couldn’t afford to just give up your job and help her. Maybe she hasn’t really thought it through practicalities . You’ve nothing to lose by telling her how you feel as currently you are getting nothing, so fingers crossed for you

My mum and Dad are secretly leaving their apartment in Spain to my brother, and leaving us 30k each from the sale of their mobile home.

Similar to op, we’re comfortable but not loaded, and both work full time and always have. Brother was not an achiever at school and mum and dad have always given him a helping hand (money and or DIY, central heating, new bathroom, kitchen etc).

I know purely because they avoid talking about it, and suddenly I was no longer an executor because they think I will ‘find out’ what they’ve done.

It’s awful and I don’t know why some parents would do this, and why some siblings are happy to go along with it. I’m (almost) past caring about it. In their eyes it’s ‘poor DB’ whilst enabling his various get rich quick oh no into debt schemes. In a way I feel better seeing posts from other people who are in the same situation. Makes me feel less ....it’s not the money, it’s that they’ve made this judgement and genuinely think it is right.

I would be hurt if this was me. I would say something. if you get unwell as you grow older will son come to care for her as he is inheriting from her? Will son just give it all away to church? Your dh's job is not safe and you are worried for the future financially. Do you have any dc? Will they be excluded too?

I actually think if my Mum had done this to me I would simply cut her out of my life as your brother has effectively done.

She should treat you and your brother equally in her will. If she wants to leave money to the church to support the mission work your brother is doing, she can do that separately but I do not think it's fair to leave more money to him personally.

I would be so hurt if my mum did that and, to be honest, I'd think she wasn't behaving in a very Christian way. I don't know how she can't realise that you'd be hurt. She must be really lacking in insight.

I think your DM is being unfair and if the house is in an area that will fetch a good price it should be sold and split fairly. If your brother is single and alone he doesn't need all that space anyway. Besides is it a very Christian thing to do split an inheritance unfairly or to even accept one knowing its unfair not very Christian at all.

You are not being unreasonable and I really think you should have that talk with your mum. The good thing is that she has told you this in advance of her death - many don't and at that point it's too late to do anything about it.

You should explain to her how you feel. That there are no guarantees in life and your situation today is not what it might be a year from now. But I also think there are a lot of things at play here. She wants to give the house to your brother because of the choices he has made regarding following a christian life. But what about your life? You've married (I presume) and have brought children (her grandchildren) into this world. Does she not want to leave anything for them? Or to help make your life a little easier so you are better placed to help them? Presumably you are bringing your children up with morals and values rather than teaching them satanic rituals . Not everyone is going to go and be a missionary or follow the church's calling but that doesn't mean that your life isn't valuable within the Christian context.
As you also say, you are going to the be the one caring for her - not that that should matter because for the same reason she shouldn't leave more to you because of that either.
Ultimately it's her choice but she should recognise that whatever she thinks, the preferences a parent makes in their will can have lasting and negative consequences and although she believes that she is doing the right thing, she is favouring your brother which will be painful for you. (By the way, do you know your brother's feelings about it all? Does he know your mum has done this? )
Good luck.

I think you should write a letter to your mum along similar lines as your post telling her your feelings etc and just how unfair she is being. As a Christian myself, to me her thinking isn’t fair or justified. As you said your brother made his Lifestyle choice. You do need to let her know or this will fester and cause more problems long term.

My MIL has kindly written her will to be left to the grandchildren, SIL is executor and has power of attorney of her finances. She kindly told her mother she didn't want her money, give it to my children. My husband had no say in this and, to be fair, is a bit gutted. I think she is dipping in to her money without her knowing. She was constantly going on an exotic holiday, she worked part time and her husband worked for the post office. Her life style was way above what she earned. My husband couldn't bring himself to tell his mother he was disappointed. At the end of the day it's her choice to do what she wants with her money.

Surely treating one's children with such disparity is very unchristian...

To be honest if you tell her you’ve currently got nothing so youve nothing to lose.

It’s not a real issue for me as my dads house is worth about 90k all in so when you come from nothing it’s not an issue

I do think it’s unfair & YANBU to be upset about this. I have 2 daughters & regardless of how they decide to live their lives, I have & always will treat them exactly the same.

But, do you think it’s possible maybe that your mum thinks if she gives your brother the house he will move back here to the UK, so you will be together again? It’s just a thought, but parents do often worry about their children losing touch after they’re gone, particularly if they’re not close or if one lives far away.

Just a thought.

I’ve been the executor of my parents will since my 18th birthday

i think your mother is being very unfair regardless of how both of you have done career wise , that`s how some parents create animosity between their children and unfortunately wont be able to see the damage because they will no longer be around

@Santina

My MIL has kindly written her will to be left to the grandchildren, SIL is executor and has power of attorney of her finances. She kindly told her mother she didn't want her money, give it to my children. My husband had no say in this and, to be fair, is a bit gutted. I think she is dipping in to her money without her knowing. She was constantly going on an exotic holiday, she worked part time and her husband worked for the post office. Her life style was way above what she earned. My husband couldn't bring himself to tell his mother he was disappointed. At the end of the day it's her choice to do what she wants with her money.

If your husband feels his sister is taking advantage of their mum, financially, then he should do something about it urgently. That's really, really important.

Could he not say something to his mum along the lines of it's great she's remembering the children, but that he feels hurt that she's excluding him?

if you dont tell her she wontt know.bear in mind that may be the only change

Not unreasonable to feel hurt but it's her choice. Everyone saying "it should be equal".... yes in an ideal world but actually it should be DM choice! She's made that choice and it's ok to disagree with it and calmly ask her to reconsider but it's her choice.

I wouldn't favour between my kids but everything is complicated and DM will have reasons for feeling how she does. Just because DB "could" have a better earning job is irrelevant - he does what he does and it aligns with her values.

Sorry you're hurting but really you can't change it. I would voice it with no expectations of change but ultimately it's up to you how much you let this bother you.

As you say, there may be nothing in the end. I'm of the belief we should all live and work as if we get nothing from the dead! Anything you got would be a bonus, and it's her choice to respect.

I'd tell your mum how her decision makes you feel and ask her on what basis she reached conclusions about your respective financial situations, if this is a factor. I would point out that this could of course change any time. You may find this is an indirect donation to the church and this hasn't been part of her thinking at all.

She took the trouble to speak to you about it, she should have done so bearing in mind she might get a reaction and that it might not be the one she hoped for. So, she can own her decision and put the emotional work into considering the impact it has had on her other child.

What I'd do next would depend on how this conversation went and what her response was.

If she makes it clear that she is resolute in her decision, I'd probably just say that for personal reasons you'd prefer if she asks her solicitor to manage the role of executor.

[quote LoisLane66]@ShiteningMcQueen
A court would look at the financial circumstances of both parties, your brother and you and if your circumstances are, more or less, the same as they are now, any inheritance would most likely be skewed in your brother's favour.
If you were on your uppers and he was still without a proper income it would, in all probability, be divided equally.
Your brother took his job not knowing of your mother's plans, therefore, as your mum is of a religious bent, it stands to reason that she would want to support him.
Your OH, if he lost his job could retrain, as many do. You could upgrade your skills and get a better paid job as a cushion.
Your mother knows that your brother is unlikely to be made redundant from his calling therefore will still be impoverished in 10 20 30 years time but you and your OH might have increased your income in that time.
No-one IMO, has the right to dictate or moan about how parents spend or gift the money and assets they acquired through their own prudence and hard work.
Money and love are not bedfellows. It does not follow that your mother loves or values you less. That is simply YOUR perception, not her intention.[/quote]
This entirely.

And everyone who keeps saying they think they are being penalised for their "good choices" -I really don't understand how you can be penalised for choosing to live the life that you want - how difficult it must be to be financially comfortably, properly compensated for your work, having a stable relationship and being a homeowner.

Would you rather have your sibling's MW job and work equally as hard or harder for less pay, would you rather have the instability of renting and having to move with little notice, would you rather have a "fun irresponsible" life or whatever vices you have ascribed to your siblings? If so then why not do it.

It sounds so pretty and childish to harp on about being penalised for living your life exactly the way you want to -because you know even if it meant your parents would leave you the inheritance you want -you wouldnt choose their life.

Parents have done their job raising you. Anything beyond that is a gift they ront have to impart. It's entitled to feel you have a claim to someone's belongings. Love and money are not the same thing