Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

[OVienna]

"...I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like..."

How do you know this? Curious about this.

[Celestine70]

It's totally unfair. You should be treated equally.

[Insanelysilver]

I can see how that Wouid be really hurtful especially if you always suspected your db was your mum’s favourite.
I’d be ironic if he inherited the house and turned it into a den of inequity or a house of ill repute lol

[paws17]

As a Christian myself, and someone who was the recipient of a 33% share of my own mother's estate (because of having an ill sister who received 2/3rds), I do understand the hurt that unequal treatment of siblings can produce. However, many of you are choosing to completely misrepresent the OP's mother's mindset & intentions here. It is not "unchristian" to be more generous with a more needy or even a less deserving person. Remember that God - (if you'll allow me to mention Him in this context) allows His sun to shine on both the "righteous & unrighteous".

If any of you really want to understand God's perspective on this question, read the Prodigal Son story for yourself (Luke 15 vs 11 - 32 - you don't need a bible, just Google it). Ask yourself how you would have felt if you were the elder son in the story - The OP's mother is doing just doing what the father in the parable does. She doesn't need or deserve the threat of court action to try to change her mind...

[yellowlabrador]

What your Mum is doing is completely cruel and thoughtless and very much backing any insecurities that you may already have about her preferring your brother. Personally I wouldn't say anything. It's her right to do what she wants with her money and she has given it plenty thought by the sounds of it.. It would affect how I felt about her and I would probably be more distant. It doesn't matter now if you say anything. Even if she changed her mind, the damage would be done

[honeybee88]

Jesus treated everyone equal ! ?
I am in a very similar pisition myself. I have 2 sisters, they have no children, I have a house, they don't....my mum said she wanted to give them the house as ' you have on'? Sorry...I have children and they want to have the house. I will fight it thru court if necessary. But not prepared to try having that conversation with my mother again. I will still be prepared to spend time looking after her when the time comes. I will expect my sisters to help out too. Leaving a house to grandchildren will ease inheritance tax I have been told. Or passing property on 7 years or more before you go into care..... Anyway dont let your mum pass away whike you have feelings of bitterness. Write it in a letter to her if necessary. Good luck.

[honeybee88]

Sorry fat thumbs....a few mistakes butvyou get it...I think. Lol

[Strangeways19]

@MarcelineMissouri I am sorry that your mother is doing this and I don't think she's right to. I say this as someone in the same situation as you are, my mother is leaving her money to my brother who is a waste of space (sorry yes there are sibling rivalry issues but he is also a drug user with no family at all), I have real issues with parents who do this and it has riled me reading your post. I would speak to her and tell her you are upset by her proposal, that you want to feel equal to your brother and to be treated equally.

[Br1256]

Are you sure the house will be available to inherit...apart from possibly being sold to cover care home costs you will also need to pay inheritance tax not to mention funeral expenses. Will there be cash available to cover this without selling the house.

[terrimom]

Of course, it is her right to do as she pleases with any inheritance, but it certainly seems cruel to tell you she is cutting you out before even doing so. Given that your circumstances could change in the blink of an eye (disability, divorce, death, unemployment are all real things that happen) and that your brother chose his current occupation and is also "comfortable" in his living situation, it just feels like she is doing a bit of "pot stirring" and building some resentments between you and your brother with this action. Is she just assuming that your husband will always support you and just doesn't see a need for additional funds from her? Generally anyone who is not in the top1% of earners could always use more money or an inheritance, so her deciding that you are "well enough off" seems unfair. I could not imagine leaving anything other than equal inheritance to my adult children, it just feels wrong and would feel like I was playing favorites. I took care of my mother after she had two strokes and had no money/house left whatsoever, so I don't think it's about whether or not you would be there for her if she needed care, I think that is a separate issue. I feel that it's more about driving a wedge between you and your brother and making you undeniably aware of her feelings towards him over you.

[BathshebaWasOnTheRoof]

Well Christians are supposed to be followers and imitators of Jesus and he didn’t promote favouritism. Really, if this were to come to pass then your brother should recognise this. What would Jesus do in this situation?

I think you should speak to your mother. After all, Jesus was afraid of neither honesty or emotion.

Proverbs 28:21 ‘Playing favourites is always a bad thing; you can do great harm in seemingly harmless ways’

[paws17]

@BathshebaWasOnTheRoof

Well Christians are supposed to be followers and imitators of Jesus and he didn’t promote favouritism. Really, if this were to come to pass then your brother should recognise this. What would Jesus do in this situation?

I think you should speak to your mother. After all, Jesus was afraid of neither honesty or emotion.

Proverbs 28:21 ‘Playing favourites is always a bad thing; you can do great harm in seemingly harmless ways’

It might be interesting to consider Proverbs 28:21 in the light of the verses that come before & after it...

20 The trustworthy person will get a rich reward,
but a person who wants quick riches will get into trouble.
21 Showing partiality is never good,
yet some will do wrong for a mere piece of bread.
22 Greedy people try to get rich quick
but don’t realize they’re headed for poverty.

And don't forget it was actually Jesus who told the Parable of the Prodigal Son - and the Parable of the Talents - Hardly "equal treatment" going on there, either...

[whittingtonmum]

It seems to me that there a quite different value sets going on in your family. If both your brother and your mother are devout Christians they probably can't relate to you referring to - what they probably regard - as 'his calling' as a 'lifestyle choice'. They probably also don't share your definition of what 'a decent job' is. I assume you see a decent job, which you should get with a Russell group university degree as a job which pays well. Most jobs in which you live your faith probably won't pay well but as Christians your mother and brother will still probably regard them as 'decent'.

My advice? I would certainly advice against having a conversation with your mum without reflecting how her faith shapes her view of the world and how your choice of words might land with her.

Hopefully your mother has many long years ahead of her so that might buy you time. You could have counselling to unpick your feeling of not being a favoured child maybe also some of the financial worries. That might provide some clarity how best to broach the subject with your mother. Maybe in the end it will be about not feeling loved enough rather than the inheritance per se and might provide an unexpected way forward?

[OVienna]

I can't help wondering what decision the mother might have made if both her children had followed a similar path with their faith, including work decisions. Would it have been the same or 'equal' ? If it were me I would need to know this wasnt related to the fact the OP has a husband to 'rely on.' Because while traditional ideas like this don't always go hand in hand with religious faith they can do. And to dress THAT sort of thinking up as part and parcel of faith is unacceptable.

[jillybeanclevertips]

Appreciate that she told you- could have beena shocker after she's passed.However, I agree withg the majority here, you should be treated equally with your sibling. Ask her if she has alwasy loived your b more ?

[Jack80]

I would let her know your feelings at least then she knows and speak to your brother.

[Twizzy22]

I am a grandma and this is very unfair of your mum. He chose this life style . Would he be happy for you to be treated so unfairly by his mum, not a good Christian if he was!
Always treat kids the same (maybe if addiction is a problem and inheritance wasted -think hard on that one).
It WILL cause a rift between you (even if you try to ignore it).
You and you brother will go forward in this life and your mum will pass and you should be there for each other as we don't know what life brings.Your mum's decision will jeopardise this.
Not sure of her motives here- religious, even sexism . I could go on.....
please be strong xxx

[Oliversmumsarmy]

It is not "unchristian" to be more generous with a more needy or even a less deserving person. Remember that God - (if you'll allow me to mention Him in this context) allows His sun to shine on both the "righteous & unrighteous

But in this instant the sun is only shining on the righteous.
Surely the prodigal son in this case wouldn’t be the brother as he hasn’t gone away to live some non Christian life. It is MarcelineMissouri who has.
Or are you saying just because her brother works abroad and won’t ever return home he should get the lot. Surely the prodigal son mended his ways and returned to the family, not stayed away otherwise he wouldn’t have been the prodigal son.

What would happen if op were to take up religion and did good works for charity? Would she then get equal shares?

If not then I think this is about favouritism dressed up as concern.

After all I presume the church won’t see him homeless in his old age. They will be providing him with a roof over him and his families heads.

The church might be paying him a low wage but is that because he has his accommodation and a few other expenses paid for and I am presuming the countries are relatively cheap to live in so he might have more money banked than he would have you believe.
After all if you get paid just £600 per month but don’t have anywhere to spend it and everything is paid for then you can save £600 per month IYSWIM

The more people try to quote the bible to explain why op won’t get anything the more I think it is saying she should

[Aglet]

That is outrageous and utterly unfair. I presume that despite this, your mum would expect you to take care of her. Even if it makes no difference, you need to speak to her because it is gnawing away at you.

[steppemum]

In my family, I am in the position of the brother.
Dh and I are Christians and worked overseas and now for a charity.

One of my brothers is very well off.

Corona has made my parents think again about their will and tidy it up. They have always wanted to make sure the grandchildren have enough. But my rich brother has fewer kids, so if they split stuff between the grandchildren, his kids effectively get less than if it was split between us siblings, and then passed on to the grandchildren.

My parents feel as if he 'doesn't need it' and he has enough to provide for his kids. I know that he is hurt that they would cut his kids out.

My other siblings and I have said in no uncertain terms, that that is not fair on his kids, and that we don't want there to be any reasons for anyone to feel hard done by after they die. It really matters to us as siblings that it is fair and everyone treated equally. We don;t want any money, happy for them to spend it all, but if any does come to us, let it be fairly split.

As a Christian who has lived on a low salary for years due to my life choices, either I believe that God will provide for me all my life, including retirement, or he won't. As he has provided so far (20+ years) I am quite sure he will continue and I am not dependant on my parents money

[Hillary4]

Not as black and white as first appears

Your Mum seems to have deep Christian views, and your brother on the info provided appears to have dedicated himself to helping others at the expense of the trappings of success that you MIGHT have enjoyed.

I would view this as Mum leaving her chattels to the life long belief of helping the less fortunate, and is using your brother as her personal trusted conduit to deliver that.

It is typical though that one child is able to/or just does support parents through their last years and that strangely is seldom recognized in their inheritance decisions, which have likely been made some time before.

Without either you nor Mum resolving this dilemma, you may well find that our brother will when the sad time comes.

With the greatest respect, l suggest that you savour any time you have with Mum, and don't let this take up too much of your time, best wishes,

[OVienna]

I am sorry for over-posting. I keep coming back to this, as I know several families of faith and I can't help thinking how they would treat this situation.

I find @whittingtonmum's post interesting and I went back to your OP.

When she disclosed this news to you, did she talk more about your brother's choices based on his faith or his financial position? A lot of people have assumed here that it was more their shared faith that came into it, which may be the case. Or it may not be.

The upshot: I think the door is open for you to have another discussion not so much the goal of changing her mind as feeling through and feeling able to share the impact it has had on you. There seems quite a lot to unpick there in terms of the dynamic in the relationship between you, your mother, and your brother. I am also wondering how your father fits in and if any of this is to do with that old family dynamic and the divorce (you say he doesnt' approve of your brother's choices).

you have every right to ask your mum what is really going on here.

[beavisandbutthead]

I think the christian thing is a red herring. It sounds like Op brother spends most of his time abroad. Therefore highly likely he hardly bothers with his mother and her way of dealing with his rejection is to use his faith as an excuse for his lack of contact with her. She therefore leaves the house to the low contact DS. Helps her keep the narrative in her own head that the absent DC is off doing gods work and she will support that in her death.

Also just to add not all the 'christians' abroad are lovely people, some are abuser. So lets stop suggesting a christian abroad equates to doing good.

[steppemum]

@beavisandbutthead

I think the christian thing is a red herring. It sounds like Op brother spends most of his time abroad. Therefore highly likely he hardly bothers with his mother and her way of dealing with his rejection is to use his faith as an excuse for his lack of contact with her. She therefore leaves the house to the low contact DS. Helps her keep the narrative in her own head that the absent DC is off doing gods work and she will support that in her death.

Also just to add not all the 'christians' abroad are lovely people, some are abuser. So lets stop suggesting a christian abroad equates to doing good.

what a strange comment.

'her way of dealing with his rejection'
'his lack of contact with her'
'highly likely that he hardly bothers with his mother'

Massive amount of projecting and huge assumptions going on here!
I have lived abroad and so has one of my brothers, we both kept in clsoe contact with my mum while we were there. My parents didn't feel 'rejected' as they never expected their kids to live close and look after them, their philisophy of life is that kids go off and do their own thing.
I know, through work, many families who have lived overseas for a time, and they all work hard to maintain contact with their families in UK.

[paws17]

^"But in this instant the sun is only shining on the righteous.
Surely the prodigal son in this case wouldn’t be the brother as he hasn’t gone away to live some non Christian life. It is MarcelineMissouri who has.
Or are you saying just because her brother works abroad and won’t ever return home he should get the lot. Surely the prodigal son mended his ways and returned to the family, not stayed away otherwise he wouldn’t have been the prodigal son."^

Sorry - I suspected my attempts to reference the Prodigal Son story might create confusion. I wasn't making parallels between the Prodigal Son & the OP's brother. I was hinting that the OP might be feeling like the elder brother in the story. Those feelings are entirely understandable - I felt them myself, too - but the message of encouragement to anyone in this situation, like the OP & the older brother, is "Recognise & enjoy the blessings you already have". Pining for "the other man's grass" can only lead to bitterness, disappointment & dissatisfaction - and we can all do without those feelings.