To cancel our date because of his hair?

[Datedrama]

Please tell me if I'm an awful person, because I certainly feel like one tonight.

I have been talking to a man who I met on OLD around 3 weeks ago. He is lovely, kind, funny and a really interesting person to talk to and we get on very well. We text a bit during the day but always have a chat on the phone in the evening. I was instantly attracted to him after seeing his photos online, he told me they were recent ones.

Anyway, we got chatting tonight and he mentioned that his hair had grown a lot recently and he decided to send me a pic. I feel absolutely horrible for saying this, but it looks awful (to me) and I don't find him attractive one bit I don't like long hair on men anyway. I'm not sure whether I should cancel our date tomorrow or still go ahead with it and see how I feel afterwards? Or would it be better to let him down before we actually meet?

I know I sound extremely shallow, but in my defence he did tell me that his pics (with short hair) were recent ones! It's a shame because I think he has a fab personality but surely attraction is important to?

Thoughts?

Go on that date and get the full sensory data input experience.

The whole thing could be scuppered by something totally unexpected like a mismatch of pheromones or it could be wonderful and the hair that's growing on him could start to, um, grow on you, so to speak.

I think you have to find out.

If you are too overcome, and not in a good way, by his head hairiness, arm yourself with a hair tie and offer to pull his locks into a man bun for him so you can see his lovely face and chiselled cheekbones better.

I would go and see how you feel after that. It's not great if his hair is giving you the ick from the off though.
Could you have a video call with him first? Photos don't always do people justice.

It’s not shallow! You either find someone physically attractive or you don’t. OLD isn’t like real life where you might fall for someone’s personality and end up fancying them a bit because of that- you need a spark/attraction not to make it cringe from the get go.

I did OLD on and off for around 5 years and met my husband in the end. I had lots of fun dates but I left after one drink if there wasn’t an attraction

I dont think I could judge someone on a photo. Go and have some fun, it's in short supply this year

I think it’s fine if you don’t want to go. It’s a date - physical attraction is important. If it was platonic, completely different. Since when does not going out on dates with people we’re not attracted to make us ‘shallow’? I must be very shallow as I would need to feel a decent spark of physical attraction to go on a date, personally.

Cancel.

Life is too short to worry over stuff like this.

You either find him gorgeous or you don't.

I'd meet him, because the chemistry may trump a hairdo, and bloody hell, long hair is an easier fix than wrong height/penis/weight!

I prefer a hair chest, OH is bald as can be, think he has ONE lonely chest hair. I'm sure i'm fatter than he would choose.
Doesnt matter! 'Type' is one thing, 'life partner' can be another

I started dating DP and by the end of month one we’d had his 80s curtains cut off, bought him new jeans and had his teeth whitened 🤣. This is what women do, it’s our job lol. We sort these men out.

It’s not shallow! You either find someone physically attractive or you don’t.

The OP said she was" instantly attracted to him after seeing his photos online." His hair is longer than in the photos and she is no longer attracted? That is shallow.

I would go. You have nothing to lose. If it doesn't work out you can bin it after the date - or have a new friend. If it does work out great.

I just wonder if the hair though is you just trying to find a reason NOT to go?

If so is that because you are nervous - a bit of social anxiety? Do you normally get a few jitters before social events, especially with new people? I know I do - which can make me whizz though a million spurious reasons why I can't go so I can calm the anxious monster in my head. I tend to shut the monster off and go - and 99% have a great time. I dread to think how I am going to cope once Covid has gone though. My monster has been very happy with the lockdowns.

Or are you trying to think of a reason not to go because your instinct is shouting "nope". Not going to work. Bin it. But from what you have said you like so much about him - apart from his hair. Go.

It matters to you. So don't feel bad if you decide to cancel. In any case you cannot meet indoors unless you live in a tier 1 location.

He can get a hair cut!

Other physical attributes are harder to remedy.

Go on the date - you might find true love.

How bad is it? Like examples of famous people.

You would be absolutely unreasonable not to go on the date because he has one minor and changeable physical characteristic that isn’t on your tick list.

Think of the people you’ve contacted and dated before this who were your type. How did they work out for you? not well presumably or you wouldn’t be back OLD. Having the requisite hair length didn’t make them right for you. Chemistry is a strange, strange thing and you won’t know if the two of you have it unless you actually meet him.

I agree this sounds like nerves or anxiety. You are grasping at straws to avoid going out and meeting this man. And of course you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. But you would be gutted if the next time you hear of him it’s a wedding photo in the local paper showing him with lovely short hair next to a bride who looks spookily like you.

Bite the bullet. Go on the date. Report back.

I do not blame you, I also hate long hair on men, I just could not be attracted to a bloke with long hair. Lots of celebs who look awful with long hair but once they shave it off or have it cut really short, wow, they are suddenly gorgeous

For example:
Eric Bana in Hanna

Don’t waste your time on someone you don’t fancy.

When I met my ex he had short hair, a beard and was gorgeous (to me). He grew his hair and oh my god! He then shaved, more oh my God! I would go. His face is still the same

I would definitely meet up just to see what my reaction was in person . People in person are often different to their photo

I'd pay attention to my reaction at the date though and keep the date short, coffee with something I need to go to afterwards or something and make a decision based on that.

Very shallow. Plus he can always cut it off!

If you've been getting on with him really well and chatting as much as you have it seems really silly to ditch him because of long hair. But each to their own. I suppose this is why people favour OLD - you can always move onto the next one. Not for me though, I value personality over physical attributes especially ones that are changeable!

We are not living in the time of good hair. If someone´s hair is a bit odd looking at the moment, I would give it the benefit of the doubt.

MN and the double standards astound me at times
Women are constantly allowed to dismiss men on the basis of their looks however if a woman posted on here 'been online dating and met this nice guy. He says he doesn't want to see me anymore as I've had my hair cut and he's not attracted to me' everyone would reply 'well what a shallow arsehole good riddance '

If the hair wasn't a big deal, he'd have included it in his '"recent" profile pictures, wouldn't he?. He didn't, as he knows that less women fancy men with long hair than short hair and he wanted to maximise match results and then "bait and switch" the short list right before any dates - hoping the women will be too polite to cancel the date.

He already lied about recent pics, and then bait and switched you with no regard for your own physical, sexual preferences. I'd cancel just for that. It's 2 red flags already, "lovely" or not.

It astounds me that you read a thread and ignore the many posts telling op she's shallow or to give him a shot, in order to claim mumsnet has double standards.

Go on the date. You can’t write someone off when you previously were attracted to the photos...
If you go & like him, mention you prefer short hair...
If you go and don’t like him, it’s just a few hours out of your day and it sounds like you get on well, so you’ll have a nice time anyway. What have you got to lose?

It's funny how men don't get anywhere near as much stick for being not only shallow, but horribly objectifying and misogynistic about women (e.g. porn).

I really don’t see what porn has to do with this.

Men might not get stick from other men over something like this, but they sure as hell would on here. Imagine a poster here saying I’ve got highlights in my online dating pictures and I’ve grown them out now. He made little comments all night about how great I’d looked as a blonde’. How many responses would be saying ‘Quick, get to the hairdressers’ - and how many would say he was a controlling arsehole?