To cancel our date because of his hair?

[Datedrama]

Please tell me if I'm an awful person, because I certainly feel like one tonight.

I have been talking to a man who I met on OLD around 3 weeks ago. He is lovely, kind, funny and a really interesting person to talk to and we get on very well. We text a bit during the day but always have a chat on the phone in the evening. I was instantly attracted to him after seeing his photos online, he told me they were recent ones.

Anyway, we got chatting tonight and he mentioned that his hair had grown a lot recently and he decided to send me a pic. I feel absolutely horrible for saying this, but it looks awful (to me) and I don't find him attractive one bit I don't like long hair on men anyway. I'm not sure whether I should cancel our date tomorrow or still go ahead with it and see how I feel afterwards? Or would it be better to let him down before we actually meet?

I know I sound extremely shallow, but in my defence he did tell me that his pics (with short hair) were recent ones! It's a shame because I think he has a fab personality but surely attraction is important to?

Thoughts?

Were you attracted to him with short hair? Of so then I'd go. His face and body are the same. One date, no obligations. It might feel different Inthe flesh and if not, you said you got on so you'll have a nice night.

YWBU to cancel because of a hairstyle.

You've been getting on really well. You'd seen a photo before, so things he can't change - eyes, smile, shape of face etc - were all good. In all the years I've been with dh, we've physically both changed our hair quite a bit - quite drastically in fact - but it doesn't really matter, as you realise that counts for such a tiny % of what is attractive about a person.
What is going to last, (usually, I know there are exceptions) is personality, and things like having the same outlook in life, the fact a person is kind, and that they make you laugh.
Go on the date. If you really don't like the hair, and find it is distracting from all the things you like about him already, then you can casually mention that you really like the picture when he's got short hair or something.
But do think about how you would react if he also says to you "I don't think that blouse suits you" or similar ?
I don't think I'd be impressed with that sort of a critique on a first date - or early on in a relationship at all - so I suspect he won't appreciate it either.

Of course, if you have been talking to a dozen different people and get on great with all of them and are now trying to narrow donw to a shortlist, then you are in a different position, and hairstyle might be a deciding factor. OTOH, if you have been talking to a nice chap for some weeks then go and see if you have any 'connection' face to face and take it from there.

Go on the date and "trip" with a pair of scissors

Dating is so cruel.

What would you think if he took one look at you and think something like "bleedin' 'ell, who's been at all the pies? Not sure I can afford to date you as the amount it costs to pay the amount baked goods required for you to have your fill is the same as the GDP of Gibraltar." Or some such. No one gives anyone a chance these days

I disagree with the comments suggesting dropping hints about how good he looked in the pics with short hair. It essentially says ‘I’d fancy you if you looked different’, and anyone saying that to me on a first date, no matter how subtle they imagined they were being, would not get a second date.

I say go. If you fancy him but the hair is a distraction, the other parts might take over IRL. You can always tactfully say, I think your hair looked great shorter.
But you need to actually meet to find out if there’s any chemistry. If not, you have a polite drink and leave, and never mention the hair.

@livefornaps

Dating is so cruel.

What would you think if he took one look at you and think something like "bleedin' 'ell, who's been at all the pies? Not sure I can afford to date you as the amount it costs to pay the amount baked goods required for you to have your fill is the same as the GDP of Gibraltar." Or some such. No one gives anyone a chance these days

I think that's a little bit more extreme than not liking someone's hair... OP isn't planning to character assassinate or body shame him!

Dating is rough, it is. But nobody wants to date someone who doesn't fancy them, surely? I would rather someone said to me they weren't feeling it than feel obligated to have a date with me knowing they didn't find me physically attractive and also didn't expect me to change whatever attribute they didn't like.

Dating sort of is shallow in a sense - it has to be as far as attraction goes. It's an important part of a relationship. I have friends I think are gorgeous but I don't find attractive myself, that's not me saying they are unattractive, they just aren't my type. And I'm probably not theirs!

Better to leave someone to meet someone who does find them attractive and loves them exactly how they are. Everyone deserves that.

Four years ago I went on a date with a man I wasn't sure I was attracted to. Met him IRL and he was probably one of the loveliest and most genuine men I'd ever met but still didn't really fancy him. Friend-zoned him (much to his disappointment) but agreed to meet up again as mates.
Got to know him and bit by bit started to fall for him.
We are getting married (Covid allowing) next year and have a six-month old baby daughter together 😊

Hmm am on the fence: I sort of think - it’s just hair - dh has had a wide range of hairstyles while we’ve been together some I like more than ithers and right now it’s ridiculously long,

But if someone had grown a beard for example I wouldn’t be attracted to them.

I’d probably my go on the date and see how you feel then.

Its not shallow fgs! Anyone is perfectly entitled to find something unattractive. I don't like long hair so it would be a no from me. DP used to shave his head, before we met, I've seen pictures and I really dislike it, I always have done. He doesn't do it anymore because he's not overly bothered and I don't find it attractive.

Go on the date, see how you get on. If the two of you like each other you can soon persuade him to cut the hair.

What would you think if he took one look at you and think something like "bleedin' 'ell, who's been at all the pies? Not sure I can afford to date you as the amount it costs to pay the amount baked goods required for you to have your fill is the same as the GDP of Gibraltar." Or some such. No one gives anyone a chance these days

People have these sorts of private thoughts in their head all the time. It’s why we can’t mind read - the human race would implode if we all knew exactly what everyone was actually thinking.

As long as you keep it to yourself and politely move on, it is what it is.

We’re not all attracted to everyone. We’re just not. So you skip over the people you’re not attracted to, and leave them for someone who’ll find them, and their long hair, irresistible.

The thing is that attraction isn't only physical. That's one of the downsides of online dating. I've been attracted to people in the past that I never would've been if I'd just looked at their pictures. But something about their personality and the chemistry between us overrides that.

And certainly I think there are some physical traits that even if they're not your ideal, they can easily not matter much if you have that personal attraction and chemistry. Such as hair style. Gaining or losing a few kilos. Things like that.

So yeah I'd go on the date and hope there's a more innate attraction and connection to make you forget about the hair. If there's not, then fine, no need for a second one!

Great advice @adoiada

Hair today, gone tomorrow. It's such an easy thing to change, seems a silly reason to cancel.

It's such an easy thing to change

If the owner of the hair wants to change it. Impossible to change it, if they don’t.

I’m not saying don’t try him out on one date. But that’s because she might genuinely like him, in spite of the hair.

It’s not good advice to tell someone to go into the situation because they might be able to change him.

I suggest don't go ahead with the date - let him find someone less shallow to go out with, someone who will value him for his personality, rather than his hair.

I dont think you're shallow at all and actually think you should tell him you prefer his hair shorter (in a nice way), what he does with that information is up to him but honesty is best.

If I made an online dating account and completely changed my hair i would expect that some people wouldn't like it.

If he is Jason Momoa YABU though

Barbers have been shut through most of this year. Maybe he could not get an appointment in the 3 days they were allowed to open. Maybe he can't cut his own hair 🤷‍♀️

It's funny how men don't get anywhere near as much stick for being not only shallow, but horribly objectifying and misogynistic about women (e.g. porn).

OP you're perfectly entitled to find something about someone attractive or unattractive. The thing is, you can never account for how you feel about someone in real life, so I would suggest that you go to at least meet him in the flesh. You can also mention to him about finding his previous look more your style, as it may simply be he's let things loose due to lockdown etc.

Remember to keep safe and tell someone where you're going/who you're meeting :)

I accidentally clicked on the thread below without realising and the first post was 'I've already rung the police!'

I thought damn that must be one bad haircut!

Yes it is shallow. Fussing about a man's hair so you can't be that attracted to him OP. Yet you've made a post about him and are musing on meeting him. Have the courage of your own convictions and leave him alone. I can just imagine the comments if a silly entitled man posted that he really liked a woman but her hair was off-putting. Just sit this one out, someone else will come along. Eventually.

God, online dating is grim.

You sound very young OP. You really can't reliably tell whether you find someone attractive or not based on a photo, or even video. It's really the whole package, and sometimes it takes a bit of time.

Since you liked him so much before the latest photo, I'd give it a chance. You may find his new hair more appealing in person, or his personality might be enough to help you look past it. Maybe the long hair will only be a temporary thing for him, or maybe you'll both like one another so much that it will turn into a serious relationship and you'll eventually be able to ask him if he'd mind cutting his hair, as you were so attracted by his older photos.

But of course YANBU to cancel for any reason you want. If you're definitely not attracted to him, that's just the way it is. I wouldn't even feel guilty about it.