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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think SIL is being awkward about this?

412 replies

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 16:20

Generally we have always got on fine but I have found her to be awkward/unreasonable if things don’t go her way or if we don’t/can’t fit in with her schedule.

It was my nieces birthday on Tuesday and I’ve been trying to drop off her presents since with no luck. The reason being is because I work full time (very long hours and a 3hr commute all round). I don’t normally get home until around 7:30. On Tuesday they were understandably busy, Wednesday they were going out for a meal and leaving the house at 6pm, Thursday my eldest niece had dance activities and they wouldn’t be home until after 9pm, which would mean I’d have to come back out of the house and drive to them.

I suggested tonight as I knew they didn’t have any plans and asked if I could call in on my way home from work for 10 mins at around 7:30 to drop off presents and see niece open them. SIL said no because she goes to bed at 8 and asked if I could come tomorrow or Sunday instead. I’m on a training course all day tomorrow and Sunday I have plans with my own family. I’ve ended up sending a message saying “will drop presents off @ 7:30 and leave them by the door”, she responded with “okay thanks I’ll video niece opening them and send it to you”

AIBU to think she’s being extremely awkward, unreasonable, ungrateful and just a bit nasty actually? If she is going to let her open them tonight when I’ve dropped them off (30 mins before bedtime so plenty of time and can tell her she can play with them in the morning, she’s generally a good girl so will understand), then why can’t she let me come in for 10 minutes and watch her open them? I can’t imagine doing this myself if someone had gone to the effort to buy my children presents and drop them off, I would at least invite them in for a quick chat.

(Side note - I leave the house most days at 6:30 so can’t go there on my way to work just incase someone suggests). I do think because she only works part time she doesn't always understand that I can't just drop everything to work around her schedule.

OP posts:
Lockdownloks · 29/11/2020 11:09

*then

Lockdownloks · 29/11/2020 11:13

Sorry, meant to say that, even if you're not fine about it, it's about respecting the other person's wishes...which may differ from yours. OP has made this all about her.

bluegreygreen · 29/11/2020 12:08

emptybaskets

It's not surprising that after a busy week your SIL didn't want her daughter's bedtime disrupted.

I would have let you in (or called my daughter to talk to you at the door, as we're not having visitors at present) because I would have felt it rude not to let you see her. However while I might not have said so, I would have thought it very rude and inconsiderate of you to turn up when specifically requested not to do so.

Repeatedly requesting to visit at a time that doesn't suit the household does not mean that you are being flexible. Refusing to visit at any time on a weekend day where you do not have fixed commitments suggests you are inflexible.

It's obviously more difficult to find slots to do things when you work full time, but please stop saying you work 'long hours'. You seem to work standard hours if a long commute (3 hrs round trip) gets you home at 7.30 pm.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 29/11/2020 13:08

Of course it's long hours if she gets home at 7.30. Many people consider their commute to be part of their working day. That post was unnecessarily nit picky.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 29/11/2020 13:28

What comes across clearly in the OP's posts is dislike of the ex-SIL, resentment that she has more perceived free time as a single mother working PT, nasty comments about sitting on arses being lazy and manipulating facts. There seems a complete lack of compromise from both the OP's and the ex SIL.

She offered 2 days not 1 at the weekend. 1 was impossible for you as you were training.
You offered how many weekday day evenings if you use the same criteria - is it just 1 evening they were available if they had plans on all the others?

I think you are best to see niece when she's at her dad's or her gran's.

bluegreygreen · 29/11/2020 14:32

Of course it's long hours if she gets home at 7.30. Many people consider their commute to be part of their working day

Really? I genuinely didn't know that - was assuming OP finished work at 6 pm on the basis of numbers given. I've never worked in a post where the commute is counted.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 29/11/2020 14:51

The employer wouldn't count it, obviously. But the worker themselves might because it's a work related activity, rather than fun. Idk, to me it seems reasonable to view being out of your home for 12 hours per day in order to work, as long hours. I guess it's all relative though - to someone doing a 16 hour shift, it probably wouldn't be.

ClaireP20 · 29/11/2020 14:56

She is rude and ungrateful. Who wouldn't keep their child awake a teensy bit longer to open a present! Christ, militant or what. Mind you OP, if she is that militant about bedtime then that sort of sums up her personality. Wouldn't have hurt them to collect off you.
She is being ungrateful, I'd be a bit arsy with her actually. But hopefully the daughter will like it. You sound really kind, but you can't make other people as nice as you are I'm afraid x ps where are you that households can mix? X

ClaireP20 · 29/11/2020 14:58

@bluegreygreen

emptybaskets

It's not surprising that after a busy week your SIL didn't want her daughter's bedtime disrupted.

I would have let you in (or called my daughter to talk to you at the door, as we're not having visitors at present) because I would have felt it rude not to let you see her. However while I might not have said so, I would have thought it very rude and inconsiderate of you to turn up when specifically requested not to do so.

Repeatedly requesting to visit at a time that doesn't suit the household does not mean that you are being flexible. Refusing to visit at any time on a weekend day where you do not have fixed commitments suggests you are inflexible.

It's obviously more difficult to find slots to do things when you work full time, but please stop saying you work 'long hours'. You seem to work standard hours if a long commute (3 hrs round trip) gets you home at 7.30 pm.

Bloody hell, are you the sister in law?!?!?!
ClaireP20 · 29/11/2020 15:00

No you aren't being unreasonable, she's being a control freak nutter (CFN!) .. that's what we call them where i live xx

WhySoSensitive · 29/11/2020 15:38

What was the present. I’ve been reading this for days and feel like I need to know Grin

PandemicAtTheDisco · 29/11/2020 15:42

I would have thought it very rude and inconsiderate of you to turn up when specifically requested not to do so.

I agree. I think people that do this are trying to force a visit and expect to be let in even if they are just dropping stuff off.

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