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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think SIL is being awkward about this?

412 replies

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 16:20

Generally we have always got on fine but I have found her to be awkward/unreasonable if things don’t go her way or if we don’t/can’t fit in with her schedule.

It was my nieces birthday on Tuesday and I’ve been trying to drop off her presents since with no luck. The reason being is because I work full time (very long hours and a 3hr commute all round). I don’t normally get home until around 7:30. On Tuesday they were understandably busy, Wednesday they were going out for a meal and leaving the house at 6pm, Thursday my eldest niece had dance activities and they wouldn’t be home until after 9pm, which would mean I’d have to come back out of the house and drive to them.

I suggested tonight as I knew they didn’t have any plans and asked if I could call in on my way home from work for 10 mins at around 7:30 to drop off presents and see niece open them. SIL said no because she goes to bed at 8 and asked if I could come tomorrow or Sunday instead. I’m on a training course all day tomorrow and Sunday I have plans with my own family. I’ve ended up sending a message saying “will drop presents off @ 7:30 and leave them by the door”, she responded with “okay thanks I’ll video niece opening them and send it to you”

AIBU to think she’s being extremely awkward, unreasonable, ungrateful and just a bit nasty actually? If she is going to let her open them tonight when I’ve dropped them off (30 mins before bedtime so plenty of time and can tell her she can play with them in the morning, she’s generally a good girl so will understand), then why can’t she let me come in for 10 minutes and watch her open them? I can’t imagine doing this myself if someone had gone to the effort to buy my children presents and drop them off, I would at least invite them in for a quick chat.

(Side note - I leave the house most days at 6:30 so can’t go there on my way to work just incase someone suggests). I do think because she only works part time she doesn't always understand that I can't just drop everything to work around her schedule.

OP posts:
emptybaskets · 28/11/2020 21:21

@Bellsandwhistle Sunday is our only day to spend with the kids, sort homework out, house work, food shopping etc. We don't have time for a "family day out" as nice as that would be. She's had 5 days off to get all this stuff done. It is completely different.

OP posts:
emptybaskets · 28/11/2020 21:22

Thank you @EmeraldShamrock , I appreciate that.

OP posts:
Bourbonbiccy · 28/11/2020 21:33

why have you just assumed that my brother has nothing to do with his kids? Where did I say that?

Because you are putting all the onus on the nieces mother to arrange for you to see the niece and not your family member, her father?

Surely you could have seen her to giver her he present when you brother took her out for her birthday or your mum saw her ?

Wolfiefan · 28/11/2020 21:41

It’s not hard. You post it to their address. Either she has to collect it from depot or she has to list a safe place to hold it.
You seem to be jealous of her “time off”.
You also don’t sound very nice on this thread. I can see why she doesn’t really want you round.
This should be about making sure the child has a lovely birthday. Not about whether she’s “ungrateful” or any such horrid comment.

Sammyclaire22 · 28/11/2020 21:42

I think it all seems rather pressured! She was busy in the week, you were busy the weekend, so why not see if you are both free the weekend after? Maybe meet somewhere with all the kids (yours and hers) in a park or something (covid safe then!) and spend some quality time with all the cousins together seeing as it's the seeing your neice you've said was the key bit you felt you missed out on. You wouldn't be missing out on time with your own DC then either. Depending on what you bought her she could always being the present with her for you to see he replaying with it?
You can still do that now too, even with having given the presents on her birthday.
If you live 3 hours away then it's probably a better compromise than trying to fit two schedules that don't match into a 7 day window without much notice.
(fwiw we have a strict schedule, it's what works for us and keeps me calm and dd from being overtired. I know other families arnt strict and just go with the flow and then accept any consequences, but that's their choice if it works for them.)

MadameButterface · 28/11/2020 21:50

to add, it would only be the same situation next week, and the week after that

What, she’s having another birthday party/meal next week and the week after that? Why couldn’t you have gone after your training course this evening? Or waited till next weekend? And agree with a pp, your jealousy of her working part time drips through every post. Perhaps she is jealous of you, having children with a man who hasn’t upped sticks an hour away. You’re free to become a single mother btw, if you think it’s that much of an easy life.

timeforanewstart · 28/11/2020 21:51

Op a card and money is fine as well as expensive to send presents

emptybaskets · 28/11/2020 21:58

@MadameButterface not sure where I said it was an easier life being a single parent? I'm pretty sure it's not. I'm glad I have my partner to support me and our family. I'm grateful for that every single day. I stated facts that she has more free than me, which is true.

OP posts:
emptybaskets · 28/11/2020 21:58

Free time **

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 28/11/2020 23:15

Personally I'd ask for the thread to be deleted it is identifying if the newspaper pick it up.
I doubt you or SIL need the stress.

ruby4ever · 28/11/2020 23:34

Maybe it's short notice, her house is a tip and doesn't want you coming in to see that. I don't like anyone coming to my house on short notice, I like my house to be clean tidy and presentable, when you have kids, pretty much impossible, especially before bedtime, house isn't on the presentable side, they get tucked in and then I tidy up. So if someone wanted to pop in half an hour before bedtime, it would be a no from me.
She did give you the option of 2 alternatives days, so I can't see how she's being ungrateful in any way.
Seems like your just annoyed that it's not on your terms.

Mamanyt · 28/11/2020 23:56

Maybe. Although she did not state that the child would be opening them as soon as they arrived. And I find videoing the opening to be very reasonable when a country is on lockdown.

Rathmobhaile · 29/11/2020 00:11

I can't imagine being so rude to a family member when they wanted to drop a present to my child that I wouldn't let them in. The excuse of bedtime routine when it's not rigidly stuck to for other events Says it all. I think your SIL has been exceptionally rude.

I'm in Ireland and I do appreciate different cultures gave different routines but I could never see this answer of it being a half hour to bedtime so you can't come in be seen as anything but unwelcoming and rude.

FreddieMercurysCat · 29/11/2020 00:31

YABU

TJ17 · 29/11/2020 00:33

Maybe she just doesn't like you

angelfacecuti75 · 29/11/2020 00:38

Can see it from both sides.
Next year just pop some money round in a card, then you can just stick it through her door.
Can't you just go at weekend?
It is a pain to gave a visitor just before bed especially if niece is quite young, but sil might not be aware of her behaviour or how it makes you feel . I'd say it in a nice way. Oh I'm disappointed I can't see her open them as I made such an effort with them 😪 next year I will probably just pop some money in a card if you can't make time to see me. I suppose its passive aggressive but you know.

angelfacecuti75 · 29/11/2020 00:42

Drop off present and don't watch her open it? You can't go out anywhere.
Or just an idea :
Drop off present. Ask sis in law to film it or Skype you and not let her open it until she does . She can do it when she likes then.
Just a thought but I thought it was quite a good 1 seeing as I feel like I've got dementia due to covid

Mel13512 · 29/11/2020 01:29

I feel for you OP, I can see both sides and judging by the volume of responses you made it’s something that has upset you even if you are saying you are trying to let it go. Everyone reacts differently and we can’t measure people by how we would react and I’m guilty of that at times also. You did something lovely for your niece and you clearly love her. I can understand that her opening her presents and her reactions would brings you joy, but that feeling doesn’t have to be in real time to feel it to be any less special. These threads of AIBU when you don’t agree can be tough when the majority don’t agree with you, but if the majority think you are being unreasonable the chances are perhaps it’s time to chalk it down to experience or consider a different way of looking at the situation.

Redolent · 29/11/2020 01:55

I can understand that her opening her presents and her reactions would brings you joy,

This is the crux of the issue. The pendulum has swung to it being about OP’s feelings rather than the simply doing something nice for the child. In my experience, it’s the same for people who are especially keen to see their presents being opened, the reactions etc. There’s an element of self-interest there. I’m not saying it’s not normal, but you have to be honest with yourself and move past the sacrificial altruistic narrative you’re presenting, of how much effort you’ve put in and how much trouble you’ve gone to.

lazyarse123 · 29/11/2020 01:58

You're getting a lot of stick for no reason op. Sil is being an ungrateful mare. You've been kind enough to buy gifts it's no big deal for a kid to go to bed a bit later.

Dita73 · 29/11/2020 02:03

Perhaps she just doesn’t like you

CeriBerry · 29/11/2020 02:04

I can’t believe the responses on this thread. I think it’s totally obvious SIL was being awkward, not letting the OP in when she was kind enough to take a present to the door on a Friday night- when she clearly hadn’t been bothered about bedtime any other night that week- and the OP was going before bedtime anyway! The OP has been a bit extreme in some of her responses but I can totally understand feeling hurt that someone wouldn’t let you in for ten minutes when you were stood outside their front door. You’re not telling me you really believe the SIL would have let one of her friends drop presents on the doorstep without even popping her head out to say hello?

Redolent · 29/11/2020 02:10

@lazyarse123

You're getting a lot of stick for no reason op. Sil is being an ungrateful mare. You've been kind enough to buy gifts it's no big deal for a kid to go to bed a bit later.
Anyone who does something ‘kind’ then finds a way to make the receiver feel bad about it, is motivated at least as much by wanting to feel good about themselves.

‘Kind’ is to cut the receiver some slack, assume good intentions, not call them ‘nasty’; do your good deed for the sake of a child, and move on.

Buying a gift for someone doesn’t by default make you ‘kind’. Some of the most manipulative people are the most ‘giving’ and generous. I wish more people who grasp this in RL.

Redolent · 29/11/2020 02:16

@CeriBerry

I can’t believe the responses on this thread. I think it’s totally obvious SIL was being awkward, not letting the OP in when she was kind enough to take a present to the door on a Friday night- when she clearly hadn’t been bothered about bedtime any other night that week- and the OP was going before bedtime anyway! The OP has been a bit extreme in some of her responses but I can totally understand feeling hurt that someone wouldn’t let you in for ten minutes when you were stood outside their front door. You’re not telling me you really believe the SIL would have let one of her friends drop presents on the doorstep without even popping her head out to say hello?
The SIL didn’t suggest to OP to drop the presents off at the front door. She wasn’t the one who engineered this situation of someone not being admitted. She told her that day wouldnt work. OP gave her no choice; ‘well I’m coming round anyway’.

SiL said to pop round in the weekend (a time which OP decided wasn’t going to work for her, because it would involve inconveniencing her own children).

At best, they are each doing what works for them.

bumblingbovine49 · 29/11/2020 02:29

In the context of the conversation about bedtimes I would take that message to mean the child will be given the present the next day to open ( when you are busy) and your SIL is going to video her opening it for you as you can't be there .

What makes you think she will give it to your niece the evening you drop it off?

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