To think SIL is being awkward about this?

[emptybaskets]

Generally we have always got on fine but I have found her to be awkward/unreasonable if things don’t go her way or if we don’t/can’t fit in with her schedule.

It was my nieces birthday on Tuesday and I’ve been trying to drop off her presents since with no luck. The reason being is because I work full time (very long hours and a 3hr commute all round). I don’t normally get home until around 7:30. On Tuesday they were understandably busy, Wednesday they were going out for a meal and leaving the house at 6pm, Thursday my eldest niece had dance activities and they wouldn’t be home until after 9pm, which would mean I’d have to come back out of the house and drive to them.

I suggested tonight as I knew they didn’t have any plans and asked if I could call in on my way home from work for 10 mins at around 7:30 to drop off presents and see niece open them. SIL said no because she goes to bed at 8 and asked if I could come tomorrow or Sunday instead. I’m on a training course all day tomorrow and Sunday I have plans with my own family. I’ve ended up sending a message saying “will drop presents off @ 7:30 and leave them by the door”, she responded with “okay thanks I’ll video niece opening them and send it to you”

AIBU to think she’s being extremely awkward, unreasonable, ungrateful and just a bit nasty actually? If she is going to let her open them tonight when I’ve dropped them off (30 mins before bedtime so plenty of time and can tell her she can play with them in the morning, she’s generally a good girl so will understand), then why can’t she let me come in for 10 minutes and watch her open them? I can’t imagine doing this myself if someone had gone to the effort to buy my children presents and drop them off, I would at least invite them in for a quick chat.

(Side note - I leave the house most days at 6:30 so can’t go there on my way to work just incase someone suggests). I do think because she only works part time she doesn't always understand that I can't just drop everything to work around her schedule.

Maybe she is pissed you can only afford DN 10 minutes one evening when you got all sunday off. But you say it is your family time, think that sounds bit mean tbh. Its her birthday.

Other posters raise a good point, might be better moving forward if you arrange to spend time with your niece via you brother on his contact time.

You say you've popped in for ten mins many times when you're passing and it's not been a problem. Sounds like it maybe has been an inconvenience and you haven't picked up on it.

You sound jealous, judgmental and petty with your later posts. If she picks up on that when you're dropping in I'm not surprised she's making excuses.

If quality time with your niece is what you want I'd arrange it when brother has her and do your popping in when passing on his contact time. You say it's basic manner but appreciate others are raised different, well if your brother was raised the same way you were hell welcome you popping in whenever you're passing on his contact time. You'll getter better quality time with her than ten mins whenever you're passing

[quote emptybaskets]@FudgeBrownie2019 because the posters are wrong, not to mention extremely stupid because they can't even read a thread properly 😂

I take it most of you are ungrateful brats to! [/quote]
Rereading through the thread. This really is awful. It is as far removed from ‘kind’ as possible.

No SIL is not being unreasonable. It sounds like she has a busy week and that is their one calmer evening. But whatever it is, I think it's fine. She's offered to send a video. If you wanted to see your niece open it you could have asked her to suggest some dates/times, instead you offered her what suited you.

OP I haven’t read all of the responses but I did read quite a few of them. My sister bought my older dd a present when I had a new baby earlier this year. She dropped it round just before bedtime and stood on the doorstep for 5mins and didn’t come in.

I didn’t stop and think about the impact of her coming over with it just before bedtime but trust me it had a huge impact.

Dd was excited to see my sister, she was excited to get a present, she was then excited to play with the new toy. It took hours to get her to settle for bed.

If your SIL has had a busy week then she probably doesn’t want your niece having another late night.

I think this might just be one of those occasions your schedules haven’t matched.

Despite the rules not being as heavy in Wales at the minute she is probably still being cautious. My OH believes that we should distance the best we can for 2 years to get over the worst of covid. It could be your SIL might think along the same lines.
I know it is upsetting and frustrating but we are in a pandemic of a very vicious virus. It is very nice of you to go out of your way to pick a lovely present for your niece but you'll have to practice feeling the moment through a video and remember that they do the distancing for your sake as well as their own.

Awkward people are always misunderstood you might want to get comfy, pour yourself a nice cup of whatever you drink to warm your insides and watch the video as if you were there. Then arrange a video call so you can chat about your nieces birthday and presents and wishing this Awfully pandemic ends.

OP this is clearly causing you a lot of angst. You need to be realistic about the implications of long work hours on your personal life. You see offering 5 days as flexible, SIL sees offering the same awkward time as inflexible. Just be more organised next time and send the gift in the post, you say her flat isn't secure but she must receive parcels or pick them up from somewhere at a time that suits her.

I feel you shoukd have tried to drop off last weekend before ger bday then if it had been inconvenient you coukd have left on doorstep monday night before her birthday.
I hate cards coming late why borher. Maybe you are both being a bit bolshy.

You are pushy OP.

Why couldn't you just post the present?

Bloody pushy yes thats the word.

I think it’s unlikely that anyone so pushy would have been a non-stress presence in the house for just five minutes. Especially anyone who so dislikes their SIL - as I assume you do if you’re so quick to think she’s being ‘awkward for the sake of it’. People who like their family members don’t tend to make such unpleasant assumptions over a scheduling conflict.

For whatever reason she didn’t want you in her house at that time. I’d be reflecting on why that might be.

@Redolent

I can understand that her opening her presents and her reactions would brings you joy,

This is the crux of the issue. The pendulum has swung to it being about OP’s feelings rather than the simply doing something nice for the child. In my experience, it’s the same for people who are especially keen to see their presents being opened, the reactions etc. There’s an element of self-interest there. I’m not saying it’s not normal, but you have to be honest with yourself and move past the sacrificial altruistic narrative you’re presenting, of how much effort you’ve put in and how much trouble you’ve gone to.

People are absolutely mad on this thread.

The SIL was happy to let OP drop the gifts at the door, without even opening the door to say thanks, or exchange pleasantries, which is all OP expected, as she wanted to get home to her own family.

OP explained numerous times what was meant by 'watch' - it certainly wasn't 'the crux'

People seem to keep missing the fact OP was on public transport. She'd to get off the train, walk to SIL house, then go back & wait for a bus.

She's genuinely going to a lot of effort for her DN who she is very fond of.

I can't imagine being so rude to a family member when they wanted to drop a present to my child that I wouldn't let them in. The excuse of bedtime routine when it's not rigidly stuck to for other events Says it all. I think your SIL has been exceptionally rude.

Considering there is an ongoing pandemic, and if the SIL is in England, we’re still in lockdown. Even if where OP isn’t, her SIL is more than allowed to take precautions to protect herself and her children. I highly doubt OP is part of SIL’s bubble.

There’s an element of self-interest there. I’m not saying it’s not normal, but you have to be honest with yourself and move past the sacrificial altruistic narrative you’re presenting, of how much effort you’ve put in and how much trouble you’ve gone to.

Well said. OP was quite firm about how much time she took out of her busy schedule for her niece and says she doesn’t have enough time with her family because of it. Yet if she is so busy, why wouldn’t she keep it small and simple instead of making more work for herself and being upset that she didn’t get the gratitude she wanted. Or maybe ask SIL what would be an appropriate present that she could send to her niece? (Sorry in advance if I missed that OP did)

*Anyone who does something ‘kind’ then finds a way to make the receiver feel bad about it, is motivated at least as much by wanting to feel good about themselves.

‘Kind’ is to cut the receiver some slack, assume good intentions, not call them ‘nasty’; do your good deed for the sake of a child, and move on.*

This! All this angst over dripping off a gift..

Haven’t seen a reason why OP didn’t just give the gift to her brother and let SIL know she has since she said herself things had been awkward since the divorce?

Plus, if you were just dropping by unannounced before they divorced, SIL may have secretly disliked it and only put up with it for your brother. Now divorced from him, she doesn’t have as well as a pandemic.

I'm on the fence. I too wouldn't like someone popping round at bedtime but surely her DD could cope with staying up another half hour without falling apart? On the other hand the child had a busy week so maybe her mum really wanted an early night for her.

If you were only intending on popping in for ten minutes then couldn't you call in after your training course Saturday or early Sunday morning?

I imagine if this was a one off situation from SIL it probably wouldn't have bothered you so much (as it really doesn't seem to be that big of a deal) but if it's part of a pattern, as you've alluded to, then your annoyance has possibly been building over time so it's understandable.

Op you sound like life is getting you down so little things are taking on a huge life of their own. You sound overwhelmed with long days etc and envious of sil's lifestyle. Why are you doing housework and shopping on your one day off? I thought initially you were a single parent but what is stopping your oh from doing the chores on Saturday so you can all have a real family day together on Sunday? As others have suggested you could have then met up in a park with sil's family and had a stress-free couple of hours together.

My point is that she is going to let her open them anyway and probably let her play with them for a few minutes before bedtime, so why can't she let me come in and watch her open them?

So, this is about you, rather than your niece. My sister is like this, and I find it controlling and a bit weird.

You offered to drop them by the door, and now you want to moan about it. For whatever reason (reasonable or unreasonable), she doesn't want you in the house. Why is that such a problem to you?

You will see your niece open the presents, just not in person.

I can't see any poster on this thread being okay irl with dropping presents off after a long day at work (having tried for several days to agree a suitable time), a long trip by public transport and not even having their SIL open the door and say thanks, or let them in for a few minutes. Anyone who says they'd be totally fine with it or would work all week and then cheerfully give up their one free day with their own children to travel 3 hours away by public transport is a liar.
Lots of us don't get along with ILs, but we suck it up and be nice because they are our children's family. Ten minutes of SIL's time is not a big ask. She shouldn't want to alienate her child's aunt who is obviously very caring.
And it's true that of you are a sahm or a part time worker, you do have more free time than someone who works ft and also has a family. It is bratty to refuse to give up 10 minutes of that time.
I also don't think it's unreasonable to want to give someone a present in person. Don't you all want to watch your kids open theirs on Christmas day?

OP's snideness and condescension about her SIL dripped more and more and more from her posts as this thread went on. By the time she got to the "close-knit family" part you couldn't escape the suffocating, controlling vibes. No wonder SIL wants to minimise contact.

Absolutely nothing about SIL's behaviour was unreasonable. OP harping on about SIL's "five free days" as though they had any relevance to syncing up two busy schedules, on the other hand, and insisting that the present handover had to be done in HER specific way, was very unreasonable.

Is there any reason at all you couldn't have arranged the handover for this coming week, when both of you might not have been as busy, or even just popped the presents in the post like families do all the time?

I always think that if someone is going out of their way to do something lovely for my child, the onus is on me to be accommodating. Or at least polite. Literally all SIL had to do was make polite conversation for 10 minutes. I think I'd be scathing of a person who couldn't manage to do that. There doesn't seem to have been any big falling out between the two women, do while they might not be each others greatest fans, I still think that 10 minutes of social niceties would have preserved better relationships in the future. That can only be good for the niece.

OP, I would in future go through my brother for this sort of thing. It will be easier for you.

Some kids are a lot worse than others if bedtimes are messed up or they get too tired. I'd give the parents the benefit of the doubt if they prioritise bedtime as they know their child best.

Also if the split with your brother was bad she probably finds dealing with you at all really difficult.

So maybe she doesn’t want to see you

So she worked full time when with her ex/ your brother but had to cut her hours now she’s a single parent?

Maybe she can’t afford the childcare or ex isn’t fulfilling his caring responsibilities?

If they can’t even hand over the kids without your mum as a go between this smacks of DV or at least a lot of hostility which is the undercurrent of this whole situation.

Maybe actually spend time getting ex SILs view on this before judging how she treats you?

Maybe she had plans herself that night that she wants to keep private.

I can't see any poster on this thread being okay irl with dropping presents off after a long day at work (having tried for several days to agree a suitable time), a long trip by public transport and not even having their SIL open the door and say thanks, or let them in for a few minutes. Anyone who says they'd be totally fine with it or would work all week and then cheerfully give up their one free day with their own children to travel 3 hours away by public transport is a liar.

I have never had a license and the last time I was behind the wheel was 15 years ago. I wouldn’t have dropped off a gift period if I was so busy that I barely had time with my own children, struggling to find a good time for both parties to exchange and with there being a pandemic. I would have called SIL and said I wanted to get a gift for dear niece is there something that would be easy for them to receive because I talk to my in-laws and inform them that I’m getting their children something for their birthday or Christmas and want to make sure it’s ok and it’s something they would want. I know whether I should send things to their homes or to MIL so they can pick it up from there so they don’t end up having to go to the post office which is pain in the arse for most or gets stolen.

Obviously, OP has issues with her SIL yet seemingly chose not to go to her brother about the gift who is more likely to see his own child than her. Most children wouldn’t care when they received a gift, they’d be happy just to get one. We also don’t know what OP is like when she’s with SIL and if she has the same animosity that she shows here towards SIL’s and SIL has picked up on it, she may not want her in her home.

Also, again pandemic going on so not sure why OP felt she needed to come in their home.

Anyone who says they'd be totally fine with it or would work all week and then cheerfully give up their one free day with their own children to travel 3 hours away by public transport is a liar.

Well them why did OP suggest dropping the presents, and then moan when SIL agreed. That's the part I find odd.

Respecting someone's wishes doesn't mean you have to be fine about it. SIL is obviously busy, as is OP. The main thing is that DN will get her presents.