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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is your husband's / partner's personality like your dad's?

182 replies

firesong · 27/11/2020 13:36

I was reading about women choosing partners who are like their dads. Is your male partner like your dad? Or your female partner like your mum?

OP posts:
HipHopBanzai · 28/11/2020 17:58

Not all all. They're both generous and support the same football team but the similarities end there. Very different temperaments, personalities and interests.

Charleyhorses · 28/11/2020 18:23

Opposite.
I loved my Dad dearly. But he was not a happy soul. He was depressed and him and mum argued continually
Me and dh happily co exist. Never had a real argument in 30 years.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 28/11/2020 19:03

God no. Absolutely opposite to
My dad. Thankfully

laudemio · 28/11/2020 19:32

No, thank god!

I8toys · 28/11/2020 19:38

Jesus christ no - the complete opposite. How odd!

FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/11/2020 19:42

No. They're very different, but both very good, decent men and I'm conscious as I watch my DC grow up that they're two of the strongest, kindest role models imaginable for young boys to grow up with.

MadauntofA · 28/11/2020 19:52

Nope, I am very like my dad. I realised a while back that I had married my mum though Confused

Possums4evr · 28/11/2020 19:56

More than I realised at the time! And I have more in common with mil than I'm comfortable about Confused

Echobelly · 28/11/2020 20:01

Yes and no! I'll freely admit my dad is one of the most interesting person I know and I think it made it quite hard to find a bloke I find equally interesting.

They are both fiercely intelligent, bad tempered, funny, loving and never boring.

Unlike my dad DH cares more what people think of him (my dad doesn't give a toss about being liked), DH is a bit insecure (my dad's self-belief is slightly scarily iron-clad), DH is handy around the house with DIY (my dad would never deign to fix anything himself) and does some housework, though not enough (dad has never done any to my knowledge).

A big difference is my dad is a music enthusiast with an encyclopaedic knowledge of classical music and I had believed I could never be with a bloke who isn't very into music of some kind and really moved by it. Most music is kind of background to DH, and his taste veers towards the cheesy. But then I think it's kind of as well, because being with a music-y bloke would have been too much like recreating my relationship with my father, which would have been a bit weird.

TheDowagerDuchess · 28/11/2020 20:01

Nothing like, but unfortunately neither of them - my dad and my ex husband - have been great husbands. I left, my Mum didn’t.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 28/11/2020 20:05

Nope.
My mother.
Probably because I am loke my dada and teo of these would NOT be a good match!😂

Nonamesavail · 28/11/2020 20:17

My OH is so much like my dad personality wise. Halloween Hmm

Chocolateandamaretto · 28/11/2020 20:22

Both have a foul temper but deal with it differently. They have a lot in common tbh but my DH deals with stuff in a healthier fashion in general, my dad had a difficult upbringing. My DH is much less passive aggressive.

AnnaMagnani · 28/11/2020 20:24

Yes completely to the point I worried about it as my Dad was dying at the point I was getting married and I was concerned I was trying to find a replacement.

However my Dad was amazing so not such a bad choice. Also I am progressively turning more and more into my mother as I get older.

Thankfully neither DH or I have had as many traumatic childhood experiences as my parents, and I've had a lot more therapy than my mum so we are finding our marriage a lot easier than them.

My mum adores my DH.

igotdemons · 28/11/2020 20:26

Yes! They have a lot of similarities in their attitudes (they are the same star sign if you believe in things like that) and they get on famously. Sometimes my DDad will call me to chat and if my DH answers the phone they’ll be on there for an hour before I even get a look in! They’re not completely alike though. I’ve always been close to my DDad so I don’t know if that makes a difference! 😆

Fleetwoodmacs · 28/11/2020 20:27

I would never have said it before I had kids, but now I'm seeing him as a dad... Yes definite similarities. In a good way.

More worryingly though, a previous poster has made me realise I am quite similar to my mother in law.

Changechangychange · 28/11/2020 20:28

Nope, the polar opposite. But I am quite bit like him, so realistically I was never going to marry somebody like me (relationship would never work if we were both like my dad).

VeniceQueen2004 · 28/11/2020 20:43

In a lot of ways. Both very intelligent, very driven to succeed/achieve/efficiency, both severely lacking in emotional intelligence/empathy, both pretty inflexible. Both work incredibly hard and are obsessive about being in control.

However my dad has, I think, very few normal human emotions. I've never, EVER seen him cry or even close to it. He will do anger, but deploys it like a weapon to get his way - I don't believe he really feels it. He has an almost utilitarian approach to emotion. Despite all this is do actually love him, because he will try to behave like a good person who feels the right things. But I think the rest of the world must feel quite alien to him sometimes as it's full of people driven by emotional impulses he just doesn't understand. He'll do anything for anyone, give money and not expect it back, drive to the ends of the earth to save someone else inconvenience. But it does feel a bit like a robot running the "Kindness" programme.

My DP otoh... He struggles so hard to articulate and appropriately manage his emotions but I know they're there. Also he really needs people, whereas I think my dad would be perfectly content totally alone in the world.

My dad loves to debate, my partner hates it (dad overconfident, partner insecure).

Both can be incredibly selfish and insensitive.

Both can be incredibly helpful and thoughtful in practical ways.

DP doesn't have dad's capacity for targeted cruelty; but he also doesn't have his gifts of charm and persuasion.

So there's a lot of similarity, and I'd say th main similarity is that they are both very difficult, complicated men it is somehow impossible regardless not to love (if you're me anyway).

VeniceQueen2004 · 28/11/2020 20:52

Probably worth mentioning my dad was an appalling alcoholic in my childhood and now a teetotaller, and in all aspects of his life is given to extremes (either obese or on a highly restrictive diet and punitive exercise regime, working like a dog or barely moving from the sofa).

One of the good things about DP is that although he's a dreadful perfectionist he tends to stay true to a course - doesn't ratchet between extremes, doesn't have an addictive personality. I find his relative stability very comforting if a bit bewildering (I take after my dad in terms of tending to extremes).

pallisers · 28/11/2020 21:25

My dad was one of the best men I have ever known. He was pretty self-effacing and introverted but anyone who knew him loved him - and he had a brilliant sense of humour. I realised recently that my sister and I both married men who, while very different from each other - her dh is the life and soul of the party, mine is quiet - are very like my dad in the ways that matter - same values and integrity, same prioritisation of family, same ability to steer their own way without worrying about how they appear to others, same kindness and love of children. they both adored my dad too.

FoxInABox · 29/11/2020 00:43

I have read similar articles and they generally found this was more likely if you had a good relationship with your father, particularly during the teen years. I have never had a good relationship with him, find him very withdrawn, selfish, wouldn’t stand up for us, difficult to talk to and quick to temper. He neglected me throughout my teen years in particular even though I was the only DC living with him. My eldest Dsis has always gone for men like him and has a very close relationship with him. The rest of my siblings have a similar relationship with him to me and have never gone for men like him. My DH is easy to talk to, gets along with anyone, generous to a fault and as a dad is very involved and loving.

DramaAlpaca · 29/11/2020 00:45

My DH couldn't be less like my DF.

That is precisely why I chose him.

IndiaMay · 29/11/2020 00:47

There are many elements of my fiance exactly like my father and a few which arent. My mum has noticed how similar they are

Rhayader · 29/11/2020 00:53

More and more every year that goes by.

Even their hobbies are the same, and not common ones either. Rock climbing, home brew, amateur radio. They also have the same job, although in different industries, and my dad is retired now.

Rhayader · 29/11/2020 00:54

@firesong
That’s really interesting because I have a very good relationship with my DF and he was a single dad with full custody in my teen years.

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