To make DS eat xmas dinner?

[Brmmbrmmm]

My DS is a fussy eater, he will eat a roast dinner once a week at home but it is very limited, meat, mash and 1 veg.
We have xmas dinner at a family members house each year and he always complains he doesnt want it and eats very little, I have never forced him but I always encourage him to eat it as it's one of the most healthiest meals I can actually get him to eat and I've always thought along the lines if I tell him he doesnt have to eat xmas dinner he will start refusing the normal roasts I do etc.

But I've thought to myself at the end of the day xmas food is one of the things you look forward to most on the day isn't it? IABU for wanting him to eat something he doesnt massively enjoy surely. I should let him choose what he wants to eat for one day?

What do others do if they have similar children? Everyone else in my household loves a roast and he doesn't complain when its just a normal roast!

@ivfbeenbusy

Depends of he then expects to tuck into Xmas desserts, the tin of quality street or sweets after?

He either eats the dinner or if he doesn't then he doesn't get any of the good stuff afterwards? 🤷‍♀️

Yep. Absolutely make sure he has a miserable Christmas.

If you detest/can't eat a food a couple of Quality St won't change that.

@PigletJohn

"Make?"

No

But lock up the sweets and biscuits before and after meals.

That makes absolutely no difference.

Stay at home this year and let your DS choose the meal. It has been a horrible enough year for younger people without being subjected to a meal on Xmas day that he will not enjoy.

@Brmmbrmmm

Sorry for the late reply, he is just newly turned 13. He is NT but some of his fussiness is definitely sensory based, things will smell horrible to him, certain textures repulse him and I am sympathetic to this and never serve him what I know he won't eat. I don't force him in any way at all to eat, but if I've served something I know he eats and he takes 2 bites and says he's done then I will encourage him by saying think in a couple of hours when you're hungry you'll wish you'd ate it etc and that's normally enough to make him think twice and eat.

With regards to my relatives xmas dinner, we have regularly had dinner at their house for years and my DS is more fussy because relative has always tried to override the rules I make. Relative will say oh I've made spag bol and my DS will say I dont like that, but he does and will eat it made by relative. But relative will then say oh I can make this or that instead and I just think my DS has picked up on that over the years and thinks if he makes enough fuss he'll get what he wants.
Everybody knows he is fussy and I'm sure he feels in the spotlight when we all sit down to eat so I'm sure that doesnt help.

I know it's not the best part of the day for everybody but it's nice to sit down and enjoy a meal you love on xmas day so part of me feels bad that he is eating something that he doesn't love. He will spend the rest of the day eating whatever treats he likes and then for the evening xmas meal he is catered for as we always buy specific nibbles he likes such as mini pizza, nuggets etc as he doesnt like the cold meat/sausage rolls/pork pie and salad the rest of us have.

I would never ask him to eat it if he truly hated it.

He sounds exactly like me.

Eventually there will be other foods he will like but they may not be the same as everyone else.

As long as there is something there he will enjoy and as long as he says nothing other than Thank You Very Much and That Was Lovely he needs to be left alone without any attention being drawn to it.

It's not funny being like that. I hate being invited to others' houses for dinner (luckily, close friends 'pander' to me) and there are certain restaurants where I can't find anything I like so I can't go. I hate it, but there is nothing I can do about it.

My extremely picky eater has a diagnosed sensory issue so our approach is a bit different. I make sure she is well fed before the family dinner. I help her find something to put on her plate and we don’t make a big deal out of it. She might end up with just a roll or a bit of cheese. She has to stay at the table until at least one other child is excused. She doesn’t complain about the offerings and anyone who chooses to comment on her plate gets a response that changes the subject. Then depending on the length of the event, I have a snack ready for her for the trip home. So no, I wouldn’t force a full Xmas dinner on a child. It’s also not the time to make a big deal out of trying one bite because I don’t want to put on a show with a choking fit.

Ah this sounds like me. I was a fussy wee brat when younger (not that I'm calling your ds that, I'm just happy to label myself ).

My mum took the approach of "either eat it or don't but you have to try a bit - and I'm not cooking any special meals". It was the right way to go for me and I grew out of the fussiness to the extent that I'm now the most adventurous eater of the lot! A lot of it had to do with learning to cook so maybe that would help him?

Anyway, I wouldn't stress too much about him eating everything at Christmas. Based on my mums approach: have him eat a big breakfast, let him eat what he will off his plate. Absolutely no moaning allowed. If he'll try a few bites of things then great but don't wreck your day with a food battle. He'll survive!

We had (have) a fussy eater but it was really important to us that we would have a traditional meal at Christmas and usually we are hosting family too. There were years where dd did not want the roast Christmas dinner but we were firm that she had to sit at the table with us and when very little I would put a small amount of the turkey and roast potatoes and carrots onto her plate.

We made no fuss or comment if she did not eat it, we just continued chatting. My parents always found it almost impossible not to try to 'jolly' her along with lots of 'oh it's lovely dd why don't you try some etc' and I had to have several conversations with them about not doing that.

Sometimes she would eat some, other times she just left it. I always made her something substantial later like bowl of pasta and I always had homemade bolognaise sauce etc in the freezer. So she most certainly did not go hungry.

But we wanted her to have the experience of joining us at the table and being served the same food and learning to associate it with Christmas etc

It's worked, she is now a teen and we will not be hosting this year so I suggested that we could rethink the dinner and have steak or similar instead as it will just be the 3 of us and she was outraged. She insists that this year has been so weird and it would just not be Christmas if we did not have all the traditional foods.

So turkey and ham it is, dh and I love it anyway so we're glad

Oh and there is zero chance I would deny a child Xmas treats just because they didn’t like the meal on offer.

I’m thinking back to Christmas dinners as a child. We had borscht, perogies, and specially made sausages. It was not the food we ate all year, but it was traditional for the grandparents. I was one of the only kids who enjoyed it. Should the other kids have been denied pudding for not eating the Soup or the sauerkraut?

I ensure there are leftovers of other things available, our Christmas includes 4 kids, on only 1 of which consistently chooses the roast dinner. The other 3 prefer leftover spaghetti bolognese. I don't have to cook anything separately, or hear whiny 'I don't liiiike it' and they're happy - win win.

If you're at someone else's home and they have cooked an Xmas dinner then everyone can eat as much or little of it as they like surely?

Why on earth would you even consider trying to 'make' someone eat something they don't like?

There's a thing going around with tips for a stress free Christmas meal.

One of the tips is "feed the little blighters first,if they only want to eat turkey with ketchup that's fine,then send them off to play/watch a kids film whilst you adults eat in peace"

I thought that was brilliant;honestly if I was hosting Xmas dinner and a family member asked if their kid could just be served the meat,mash and veg I'd do it.I'd rather they eat the food on the plate than chuck on stuff that'll end up in the bin.

How well does Said family member know your child?,are they reasonable and easy to talk to?

I had rice and ketchup while everyone else had Christmas Dinner till I was 15. Loved it. Who cares!

It’s Christmas! Let him eat what he likes

Our lot don’t really like roast meats, so they’ll have say pigs in blankets with all the trimmings.

I insist on sprouts being on the plate, but only for comedy value.

Not only that, there’s a difference between your mums mash that you have every week and whichever relativeS mash at Christmas... he just likes your roasts better

Yuck was banned at our table, from our own or visiting children! It's so rude. I'm sure OP's fussy eater wouldn't say "Yuck!" to what the hosting relative has prepared, cooked and served. Such talk can put everyone off their food and spoil a nice meal.

Our rule was always "Eat what you like, leave what you don't and no grumbling." Nobody was forced to eat or finish anything and I would never coax or plead with a child to eat; it invests the fussy with far too much power. I took their likes and dislikes into account but never cooked separate meals for each individual. I had a job and a life! (Still have the life .)

If a big fuss centres around a fussy eater, they are being rewarded for the behaviour. If everything is calm and low key and nobody leaps about offering a dozen alternatives, the fussiness isn't serving the need for attention and it will usually diminish.

Children who want food taken off their plate or expect to dump it on a adult's plate or ask for bits to be picked off for them, children who help themselves to way more food than they will eat, children who touch and then refuse food offered from a serving plate or paw over slices of cake to find the biggest or cough over a buffet without covering their mouths don't get another invitation to stay for a meal.

If you think about this from the perspective of the host they may actually prefer to give them something the guest will enjoy rather than force down and be polite. Part of being a good guest is making the host feel that they have provided well and I’d hate to be a host and think people weren’t actively enjoying the food I’d prepared.

They are obviously close enough to the op to know the child’s preferences so it would be horrible to force them to serve something they know won’t be received well to prove a point to the child. That lesson is for at home. A good host wants everyone to be happy and well catered for (especially at Christmas) whether they eat healthily or not is not really a priority. I’d hate to be used by a parent to teach a child a lesson. I accept my children get fed a load of sweets and ice cream at my Mums because she is the host and that makes her feel happy. It would be rude to stop her doing what she wants in her own home.

My teen used to have sausages xmas day but now eats turkey so has turkey, spaghetti hoops and Yorkshire's. That's it. Maybe a waffle as he doesn't like mash or roast potatoes. He has ASD and is limited on what he'll eat he will just sit and gag so he eats what he likes now. If he is happy I am happy.

And we usually go to grandparents and they serve him this 😂 bless them. would rather he eat and not sit stressing out over a carrot.

There’s so many differences here though

A comfortable home environment vs a more public family member’s house, maybe he’s self conscious?

Your cooking vs their cooking, perhaps he can tell the difference

Turkey vs chicken, turkey is usually dry and can be less pleasant

If you are going to a family member's house then you should explain that it is good manners to eat what is offered without complaining?

I love chicken, hate turkey!

OP, your DS has learned that if he makes a fuss he will get what he wants. Christmas dinner is a feast with lots of options in our house - there will be something for everybody to eat, no matter how fussy they are. Everyone helps themselves rather than getting a plateful served to them. Personally I will eat most things and can just leave what I don't want on the plate but my DH finds it difficult to eat the things he likes if there’s other things on the plate too. The kids tend to just have a million pigs in blankets, Yorkshire puds, mash and gravy. Most kids can be over faced with the amount put in front of them!
Regarding the evening buffet, again I’d not cater separately for anyone, I make a big enough selection that there’s something to suit everyone. I certainly wouldn’t be making loads of different things for one person! If I was catering for someone with a food allergy - eg my nephew whos got an nut allergy, then all the food would be suitable, same with a wheat allergy. If vegan or vegetarian I’d make some of the options suitable but this would be part of the buffet for everyone.

Leave your dhs to it on the day - dont mention it, dont try to persuade him to eat anything. Make sure he has a big breakfast so he wont be particularly hungry. If he just wants Quality Street and Trifle that’s his choice!

@KatieB55

If you are going to a family member's house then you should explain that it is good manners to eat what is offered without complaining?

Absolutely disagree! Yes, I agree with not complaining, but not with eating what’s offered.

Ignore it at Christmas. He gets a small plate of whatever everyone is having. He chooses what to eat or what to leave. No one comments, INCLUDING him: ie he doesn’t get to moan about food when he’s a guest. Add pigs in blankets, stuffing, and cranberry sauce (surely all kids like them? 😀).

Make sure he (and your host/ other guests) know and accept that’s the deal beforehand : he doesn’t have to eat all of it, but he is only allowed to make positive comments to your host. Neither does he have extra deserts/sweeties to fill him up afterwards- he is offered the same as anyone else.

DD is the same, used to be really picky and doesn’t like turkey. We always told her that has that for “fancy” occasions the rule is that she is a “good guest”, even if she can’t be a “good eater”. It takes the pressure off us, as it allows for a different set of norms to apply so no stress for anyone, nobody weighs in with “parenting advice”, no one is sitting silently (or not) judging, etc. It’s not a long term solution but I don’t think big occasions are the time for that.

@MrsKoala

If you think about this from the perspective of the host they may actually prefer to give them something the guest will enjoy rather than force down and be polite. Part of being a good guest is making the host feel that they have provided well and I’d hate to be a host and think people weren’t actively enjoying the food I’d prepared.

They are obviously close enough to the op to know the child’s preferences so it would be horrible to force them to serve something they know won’t be received well to prove a point to the child. That lesson is for at home. A good host wants everyone to be happy and well catered for (especially at Christmas) whether they eat healthily or not is not really a priority. I’d hate to be used by a parent to teach a child a lesson. I accept my children get fed a load of sweets and ice cream at my Mums because she is the host and that makes her feel happy. It would be rude to stop her doing what she wants in her own home.

Yet you’re planning to take day old Wagamama’s to your mothers!

Exactly, saz12. I like the phrase, “you can be a good guest even if you can’t be a good eater”.

Dd is quite fussy. At home I often plonk an alternative meal in front of her. If she made a fuss at someone’s house..... I would be murderous and certainly extremely embarrassed. Christmas Day is no time for food battles. If the ds wants to eat 3 selection boxes and 10 pigs in blankets, that’s fine. But wanting alternative dinners and making extra trouble for a host is the height of bad manners and at 13 he should know this.

He’s 13, he can eat the bits he doesn’t mind and he can be polite and not whinge.