To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

So he's not allowed to see his family but you are yours? How would you feel if something happened to one of his family members, and he'd not seen them because you won't let him?
She didn't say that, she said that she didn''t know if he was planning a visit on his own and that they would have to ask him about that.

I don’t think the content is unreasonable but you definitely could have softened it a bit. All you needed to add at the end was something like ‘it’s a shame we won’t get to see you, but I’m sure you can understand my mums health is paramount.’

Also im confused is your dh going to work everyday ? If he is then he comes home there is still some risk most of us can't stay totally locked away as work , shopping etc
Would you of been happy for your dh to go to his family or would you say no to this as well otherwise compromise is there , he could of visited his family one day over xmas

You’re fine. Your DH is a drama Queen.

Yes, you could have said it nicer but there wasn’t anything wrong with what you did say. Women need to stop bending over backwards to soften their message. That causes more problems than it solves.

If you are as nasty as you DH has suggested, then I suggest that he get on with divorcing you. Surely he can’t want to stay with a nasty person? Or perhaps you really aren’t that nasty and he is just having a temper tantrum because you aren’t doing what he wants. And... you aren’t doing what he wants in front of his parents!

@WouldBeGood

You don’t sound very well. You need some perspective. Even if you or your DM become unwell the chances of you dying are very small. The odds are great. Have you sought therapy?

What? OP is being perfectly rational, she’s protecting her mother, who’s to say if she caught it she would die or not? It’s not worth the risk. She’s not crazy she doing what many other should be doing and not risking catching covid or giving it to a elderly relative.

OP, your text is fine, your dh’s family are being unreasonable. I for one will be staying at home Christmas Day, I will not be risking my families health or mine and won’t be adding to the pressure the NHS are already under.

I think if this was the other way round and you had (I assume) not seen your dm since March because you were protecting your mil, and your dh was saying you couldn't meet up with your family until the vaccine comes out, then you would be told ltb and he was controlling.

Why couldn't you do something like see your dm on Christmas day, then go to the IL on Boxing day and then isolate from your dm for 2 weeks? Thus keeping her safe.

I think if he hasn't seen his family since March it isn't unreasonable for him to want to, and I expect your dm would understand that your mil wants to see her son as much as she wants to see her daughter-and vice versa.

The message sounds rude and arsy to me, especially that you end with saying you don't know what your DH (their son!) is doing. They are your relatives too, would have been better to call them and say it in a nicer way.
But the situation, of course you're not unreasonable in wanting to protect yourself and your mum.
Maybe apologise, explain how anxious you are and offer to host them for a lovely easter celebration.

@WouldBeGood

You don’t sound very well. You need some perspective. Even if you or your DM become unwell the chances of you dying are very small. The odds are great. Have you sought therapy?

This, absolutely. You started off sounding ok, but your posts have become more and more erratic.

The text you sent was mostly fine, but that last line or two about about your DH’s plans could have been much nicer. It definitely comes across as not giving a shit, basically. So I can why your DH is so pissed.

Yes, you can be to the point (I’m like this myself).

But there’s no need to be bitchy to the loved ones of your (apparent) loved ones when all they want to do, quite frankly, is see each other.

You need some help.

Sorry OP, but I feel for your husband as well. To send that message to his family without discussing it with him first is not very nice. My mum is also 80, and has cancer. I am seeing her and my dad on christmas day evening. Then AFTER seeing my mum, I am seeing my wonderful mother and father in law on Boxing day. Unfortunately we are unable to see sister in laws and brother in law, because isn't allowed. But we will be having a lovely get together later. So I think you could have easily done the same. Said to your MIL that you would love her to pop in for a glass of champagne at some stage. I just think you have forgotten that your mil is your husband's mum..i mean his mum! You have hurt her very much. If you have children, it will mean everything for her to see them and you, and especially her son.

You managed this poorly OP, and you could easily see your mum first.

@WouldBeGood

You don’t sound very well. You need some perspective. Even if you or your DM become unwell the chances of you dying are very small. The odds are great. Have you sought therapy?

Seriously?

The OP's mum is about as high risk as its possible to be. There's nothing "unwell" or irrational about wanting to protect her. Why should the OP get therapy?

I think people are being too harsh on the OP.

If her text was rude so was theirs! They demanded to see them (no option) and then flounced when they got a similar style reply. At least the OP didn't flounce off when she got a rude demanding text from them! If the OP was rude so were they and more so because they shut down any communication or debate over the situation.

As a pp said, some people who are direct don't like it when people are direct back to them - though I think they were intending to insult the OP with this rather than the pushy in laws.

And my cut/paste failed there...

I actually think that Christmas was always a done deal. The assumption should always have been that Christmas wouldn’t be happening anyway and that if it did it would be lucky and restricted.

These people getting upset and blocking people based on the fact that others are daring to have issues which preclude them from visiting says a lot more about them than it does about those who don’t want to mix.

DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty

Well the vast majority of MNetters voting on here say you are right.

You don’t sound very well. You need some perspective. Even if you or your DM become unwell the chances of you dying are very small. The odds are great. Have you sought therapy?

Have you actually had covid? I am lucky but my friend is just recovering from it now, she said it is terrifying constantly wondering and assessing if your symptoms are getting worse and whether this will kill you, whether last Christmas was your actual last Christmas. Why would anyone risk this?

Schools are rife with it, every other day we get an email from school telling us 5 children have tested positive and it lists the year groups. Children are at risk of bringing it home to family which they can then pass on.

@Zilla1

It sounds cold which you seem to accept or be proud of. Given you've prioritised your DM, you might want to think whether some sensitivity or warmth to your ILs might have been appropriate. I expect if your DH had bubbled with his DM and had sent such a text to your DM, you might not have been quite so proud of him not apologising for staying safe. There's nothing wrong with a little empathy.

This.

It was an unemotional, unapologetic text which sounds cold imo. I understand you're proud of 'not apologising for staying safe' but I would have been sensitive to the fact that I'm expecting my husband to prioritise my family at Christmas at the expense of being able to see his and would have approached it more kindly personally.

It sounds from your husband's comments as though this is a common theme with you though.

The message is okay (besides the last bit) but there are 1000 different ways it could have been phrased to have probably avoided mil getting the hump. I'm a little bit like you OP and I tend to get straight to the point but my in-laws are annoying very sensitive and read into everything as a dig. It's exhausting but I now either don't text them at all or am so polite with lots of !!!xxx

DH has now informed me that “this is why nobody likes you”

This level of distain would be the hammer blow to most relationships, op. Does he always say stuff like this?

Where do you live that people are going to Christmas markets?!
It was a Christmas food market so apparently was permitted during lockdown. Given that they’re silly enough to go to markets during lockdown, it makes me think they’re not staying safe at all, so I don’t want contact with them.

there is no way I would have stopped my partner seeing his family
I’m not stopping him seeing them. I’m saying I’m not going.

@Smallsteps88

You’ve deliberately not posted the text itself OP despite asking opinions on the text which leads me to believe the text was unreasonable and you know it.

This..

I don't think it sounds rude at all. It's very blunt though, maybe you could have said something like " as much as I'd love to spend Christmas together we can't because of xyz , would be lovely to get together for a belated Christmas dinner when it's safe to do so"

However it's done now and you've done nothing wrong, you're doing the right thing xx

Your risk analysis is off. It is not safer for your DH to go to work everyday, than it is for you to take a socially distanced walk with your MIL on Christmas Day.

And it's just truth that she didn't know what her DH was doing because he hasn't made any plans or even discussed with his family the complication of OPs mother.

If he didn't like her admitting to people that he can't communicate or arrange anything, maybe he should get off of his arse and do so! He's not OP's child!

I'm pretty astonished at the tone of some of these comments. The OP's husband and his family, who are fully aware that the OP is anxious about her and her mum's health, are trying to bully her into caving on this.

The OP sends a polite text basically saying she will stand her ground on this, and some of you are accusing her of mental illness and rudeness.

The absolutely worst thing that can be said about the OP's text is that it may have lacked some warmth. But clearly any previously polite resistance she has made has not been listened to.

And finally the OP tells her that "no one likes her" because she's defending herself and you still think she's being unreasonable?

Some of you need to have a word with yourselves....

OP as you were: you are doing the right thing and your husband's family are arseholes. As is he.

And the more I read about the dh the more I think he’s an abusive cunt. Gaslighting the OP by telling her that he’s shown her text to his colleagues to prove how nasty she is? Saying that this proves why nobody likes her? If these points were brought up in a different context everyone would be saying that these are strategies to undermine her confidence.

And I’d bet money that he’s annoyed because the OP has dared to stand up to him.

As for the poster saying the OP needs therapy, do get over yourself. Presumably neither you or anyone around you is high risk, so you have no idea what you’re talking about.

I think your DH is just at the end of his tether. it sounds like you are very anxious, bleaching your groceries and opening the post with gloves on is very extreme and if he's living with your anxiety every day it must be very wearing.

As a PP has pointed out, he loves his mum as much as you love yours, so although he hasn't coated himself in glory in the way he's handled it, I do understand his frustration.

I think your message was ok apart from the last sentence, but this is not about the text message, I think he's just reaching his limit with your anxiety.