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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this text?

787 replies

ZebraStripez · 27/11/2020 09:03

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 27/11/2020 09:44

@lunar1

Is it possible that you can have some time separately where your husband can see his family properly and then isolate from you after. It's been a long time for him and his mum where they haven't had proper time together.

They could be at the end of there tether with it all just like a lot of people. Everyone needs to try and show a little kindness and empathy right now and your message is extremely uncaring about the situation. Your husband loves his mum just as much as you love yours.

I agree with this 100%

As much as you are concerned for your health and that if your mothers, they may be concerned for their own mental or emotional health and that if their DS at having been separated since March.

Both very valid concerns. But you expect them to abide by your wishes, but gave no tolerance of theirs.

Respect of opinions should work both ways.

Your text lacked any warmth or regret.

Having said that, they are completely over reacting (unless this is a build up if several similar incidents) and your DH is an arse for showing his workmates and telling you that no one likes you.

TwentyViginti · 27/11/2020 09:46

DH has now informed me that “this is why nobody likes you”

Well, now you can do him and his family a favour by removing yourself from them.

Permanently.

Your husband and MIL are twatty drama queens.

lunar1 · 27/11/2020 09:46

How can he have given you an answer months ago when we only just got the guidelines?

WouldBeGood · 27/11/2020 09:46

You don’t sound very well. You need some perspective. Even if you or your DM become unwell the chances of you dying are very small. The odds are great. Have you sought therapy?

SinisterBumFacedCat · 27/11/2020 09:47

@Inpeace

You need to learn the art of the bad news sandwich ...

Oh MIL how frustrating that we are still in this position and can’t have Christmas together this year .... your message.... without the you’ll have to ask him bit..... let’s do a lovely video call on the day to share present opening and plan what we will do next year to make up for it

Job done

Kisses also helpful in bad new texts

I love that! Bad news sandwich. This is absolutely right. I don’t think you are being rude or unreasonable. There is always next year. But do you really want to spend Xmas with these people? You MIL by blocking you sounds incredibly immature.

As your DH has shown his work colleagues (nodding dogs) your text please feel free to show him this thread.

mcmooberry · 27/11/2020 09:47

I think your message was fine until the last sentence (and don't blame you one bit for wanting to stay safe) but you could have saved all this drama by sending a more friendly ending like "Will look forward to catching up with you all early in 2021" even if you don't end up catching up with them then.

draughtycatflap · 27/11/2020 09:48

“Sorry we won’t be able to spend Crimbo with you all. I’m shielding with mum and making the best of it. I hoped you would understand instead of being spectacularly cunty but here we are! I’ll think of you all when me and mum are pulling our cracker. Merry Christmas xxx”.

BloggersBlog · 27/11/2020 09:49

Your message was fine. They are just over-reacting and your H showed people at work??! Did he organise a poll and EVERYONE voted and said you were nasty?

He is an idiot

theotherfossilsister · 27/11/2020 09:49

I don't think it's blunt or snippy at all, but then I am autistic and probably that makes me quite literal, so I just read things as they are stated, and think other people do the same.

I know it's tough for all of you, but I don't see why people think you have said/done anything wrong. Calling in unexpectedly would be a horrible thing to do in the circumstances.

Lilybet1980 · 27/11/2020 09:49

Where do you live that people are going to Christmas markets?!

Understandably your DM is your priority. But your DHs priority is most likely his family. Understandable.

I think your message sounded arsey. On the plus side, they probably no longer want to sound christmas with you.

Wales34 · 27/11/2020 09:50

No a reasonable person would understand your position . Perhaps the" youll have to ask him" was a bit curt but overall they should have understood. I would give your MIL a call and smooth things over , you shouldn't have to but be the bigger person.

Lilybet1980 · 27/11/2020 09:50

@BloggersBlog

Your message was fine. They are just over-reacting and your H showed people at work??! Did he organise a poll and EVERYONE voted and said you were nasty?

He is an idiot

Not sure how this is any worse than asking the whole internet for their view.
Newuser991 · 27/11/2020 09:51

Not been out since March?!

My gran is 87. Heart problems. Has been out daily on the bus and going to coffee shops and seeing grandkids etc in her bubble.

She's fine.

No one is guaranteed to die of it you know.

You reaction seems a bit extreme as does a lot of peoples.

At that age she didn't want to miss life for a year

timeforanewstart · 27/11/2020 09:51

Does sound a bit snappy at end and in fairness to your dh maybe he is missing seeing his family too so may if been best to discuss with him before sending the message as well

VivaMiltonKeynes · 27/11/2020 09:51

@ZebraStripez

That’s pretty much word for word what I texted. “We’re my mums support bubble, she’s literally a few weeks from getting the vaccine and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated. Also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating over Christmas. I don’t know if DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself, you’ll have to ask him”.

Is it nasty? I tend to be very straighforward and blunt so I don’t always realise when I’m being rude.

It's showing that you and your H don't have a united front on this and so they see you as the stumbling block . The " you'll have to ask him " sentence says we are arguing about this .
Original poster
ZebraStripez · 27/11/2020 09:52

Just see your mum on Christmas day, see his family boxing day and then isolate for 2 weeks before you see your mum again.
I don’t think it’s fair for an elderly lady to have to be alone for two weeks just so I can have a chat with my inlaws. If DH wants to visit them he can.

Your DH should've dealt with this before there was any need to send a message yourself
That’s why I was annoyed. He’s known for months that I’ve hardly left the house. I’ve been bleaching the groceries and picking up the post with rubber gloves. Yet his family still think they’re going to be popping in.

OP posts:
PaperTowels · 27/11/2020 09:52

@ZebraStripez

That’s pretty much word for word what I texted. “We’re my mums support bubble, she’s literally a few weeks from getting the vaccine and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated. Also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating over Christmas. I don’t know if DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself, you’ll have to ask him”.

Is it nasty? I tend to be very straighforward and blunt so I don’t always realise when I’m being rude.

It's a bit rude, tbh. IMO you should have talked to your DH about this first before launching into a group text.
supersonicginandtonic · 27/11/2020 09:52

I'm going against the grain here. Your partner hasn't seen his family since March because you are not going anywhere to protect your mum? So you see your mum all the time?
So he's not allowed to see his family but you are yours? How would you feel if something happened to one of his family members and he'd not seen them because you won't let him?
My grandma is in her 80s, my brother is ECV, heart condition and Down syndrome but there is no way I would have stopped my partner seeing his family. That's controlling behaviour.
If this thread was the other way round the man would be being slated for denying you contact with his family.
OP you need to get some help with your health anxiety, you really do.
There are plenty of people who are high risk who have been back at work for months.

WhereamI88 · 27/11/2020 09:52

The text is fine. Your DH is a nasty piece of work and so are his family.

And only women get called cold and unemotional for being factual. Sexist bullshit.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 27/11/2020 09:53

I don't have a strong opinion on the message itself, but something else stands out to me.
People who use tactics like "everyone else agrees with me", "I showed everyone your message, and they all said you were horrible" and "Nobody likes you" are not generally good people. (And also, the people who all agree are usually all inside their own heads!).

PaperTowels · 27/11/2020 09:53

The " you'll have to ask him " sentence says we are arguing about this

Agreed @VivaMiltonKeynes, it's fairly passive aggressive.

Original poster
ZebraStripez · 27/11/2020 09:53

Not sure how this is any worse than asking the whole internet for their view
I haven’t showed his text to people who know him in real life and discussed how much of a bitch he is.

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 27/11/2020 09:54

It was dismissive of anyone’s plans and hopes other than your own and your mothers. Out of interest how could your husband had made any plans for Christmas months in advance? He didn’t know what was going to be allowed more than anyone else.
You seem a bit proud of the text to be honest.

AlternativePerspective · 27/11/2020 09:54

If someone was threatening to turn up at my house unannounced at their own convenience without listening to my side of things they’d get a text a lot snappier than that one. Or perhaps they would have preferred the alternative - you refusing to open the door to them or insisting that DH see them outside.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.
Your dh is a gaslighting tosser.

Zilla1 · 27/11/2020 09:54

Regrettably, OP, I hope you get used to being the recipient of blunt communications and accept it with the good grace that you had when you gave it. BTW, you might want to consider that you've presumably been having 'nice chats' with your DM for the last eight months but seem to have linked your DP's possible 'nice chat with his DM during an outside walk' with 'killing your DM'. You might want to consider the results of the binary and somewhat self-serving structure you've constructed. You and your DM bubble, your DP can work (do you?) but not see his DM and he and his DM can receive blunt messages but should accept them happily and certainly not be blunt back or stop accepting them by blocking you.