Page 3 | To have sent this text?

ZebraStripez · 2020-11-27T09:03:52+00:00

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no. So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas. All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them. AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

supportivemyarse · 27/11/2020 09:33

it seems fine to me, but you can never tell the tone from a text and families can be very prickly about Christmas plans. also a lot of people have had bugger all to do for months so are simmering away, ready to pounce on the slightest perceived thing. sometimes its worth padding out a text with a load of guff that shouldn't need saying, especially in a group chat eg. if you'd started by saying you were really looking forward to seeing them and how much you miss them and its such a shame.

this has a whiff of your DH and MIL making plans between them and getting egg on their faces. As for DH showing the message to people at work, what a dick how old is he 14?

BlueThistles · 27/11/2020 09:34

Some folk just don't take the bloody hint... so SNIPPY is maybe what's required .. this is your Mums health...

screw them for not giving a toss about anyone but themselves... but it seems to be a common trait in people since Covid exploded 🌺

Mebeline · 27/11/2020 09:34

I think you have a big dh problem. He's making you feel like shit.

Is he always like this?

Lazypuppy · 27/11/2020 09:35

A bit blunt.

You could have said sorry we can't see you, obviously with situation with my mum etc.looking forward to seeing you when we are vaccinated.

As another PP said, bad news sandwich!

underneaththeash · 27/11/2020 09:35

I disagree, so it's fine for you (and your DH) to see your mum, but not the other way round. Just see your mum on Christmas day, see his family boxing day and then isolate for 2 weeks before you see your mum again.

LITHIUMcomeasUare · 27/11/2020 09:35

YANBU - you are protecting your mother. for you

They are being unreasonable.

GameSetMatch · 27/11/2020 09:37

I’m really not sure how they would get offended at that text? You sound sensible, they sound mad as hatters just do whatever you feel you need to at the moment. Ignore them I 100% can’t see anything wrong with that text.

SBTLove · 27/11/2020 09:37

You have went from nervous about your risk to having health anxiety, have you been told to shield or decided to be housebound since March yourself?
I think your DH and his family maybe think you’re being very OTT, you can be cautious and still leave the house, I can understand their frustrations with you.

Zilla1 · 27/11/2020 09:37

It sounds cold which you seem to accept or be proud of. Given you've prioritised your DM, you might want to think whether some sensitivity or warmth to your ILs might have been appropriate. I expect if your DH had bubbled with his DM and had sent such a text to your DM, you might not have been quite so proud of him not apologising for staying safe. There's nothing wrong with a little empathy.

WouldBeGood · 27/11/2020 09:37

@ZebraStripez

I’ve just read your message - I think it sounds snippy Sounds cold to me I’m generally an unemotional person, very blunt and factual. I agree my text lacks that faux apologetic air; I’m not apologising for staying safe, that’s just the fact of the current situation. I actually took ages writing that text to ensure it was to the point and not rude. DH has now informed me that “this is why nobody likes you”.

This might explain why people are pissed off. I don’t think you really want people to say if YABU or not as you seem clear that you’re right.

Jengnr · 27/11/2020 09:37

@ZebraStripez

I’ve just read your message - I think it sounds snippy Sounds cold to me I’m generally an unemotional person, very blunt and factual. I agree my text lacks that faux apologetic air; I’m not apologising for staying safe, that’s just the fact of the current situation. I actually took ages writing that text to ensure it was to the point and not rude. DH has now informed me that “this is why nobody likes you”.

I think your husband will shortly be spending a LOT of time with his family. When he’s living with them.

WouldBeGood · 27/11/2020 09:37

@GameSetMatch

I’m really not sure how they would get offended at that text? You sound sensible, they sound mad as hatters just do whatever you feel you need to at the moment. Ignore them I 100% can’t see anything wrong with that text.

I would say totally the other way round

Zilla1 · 27/11/2020 09:38

BTW, IME the people who take pride in being blunt and factual generally don't like it when others are blunt and factual back.

lunar1 · 27/11/2020 09:39

Is it possible that you can have some time separately where your husband can see his family properly and then isolate from you after. It's been a long time for him and his mum where they haven't had proper time together.

They could be at the end of there tether with it all just like a lot of people. Everyone needs to try and show a little kindness and empathy right now and your message is extremely uncaring about the situation. Your husband loves his mum just as much as you love yours.

Racoonworld · 27/11/2020 09:39

Have you and your DH agreed this together? If he hasn’t seen his family all year you need to discuss with him and agree what’s fair. I would let him see his family but you stay behind.

MarcelineMissouri · 27/11/2020 09:39

I’m in 2 minds over this. From your op where you say we haven’t socialised since March does that include your dh? If so and that’s because you’ve bubbled with your mum I can see why he might be getting frustrated by now.

FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack · 27/11/2020 09:40

I'd move in with your DM and let your DH and his family get on it with.

They sound like drama llamas and he sounds like a spineless idiot who doesn't have your back. I'd put money on him lying about what people in work said.

AllsortsofAwkward · 27/11/2020 09:41

I think yabu I say this as someone who's df has terminal cancer, he will be coming for his dinner and we had extended the invite to my inlaws however they are hosting sil but will be visiting them later. The vulnerable people haven't been told to isolate but to be careful. My DF has been to the doctors, hospital for radiotherapy. I dont mean to sound harsh but 81 is the average life expectancy in the UK. If you're mother is youre support bubble under the rules for Christmas shes classed as one household and could have another 2 households join. I dont think hes unreasonable to want to see his family.

mewe3 · 27/11/2020 09:41

The last part of the text could be potentially rude but if I was to have received it I wouldn't have blocked you... seems a bit OTT

thepeopleversuswork · 27/11/2020 09:42

@ZebraStripez

I’ve just read your message - I think it sounds snippy Sounds cold to me I’m generally an unemotional person, very blunt and factual. I agree my text lacks that faux apologetic air; I’m not apologising for staying safe, that’s just the fact of the current situation. I actually took ages writing that text to ensure it was to the point and not rude. DH has now informed me that “this is why nobody likes you”.

This is appalling.

So his family have tried to bully you into doing something which scares you and then when you stand your ground in robust but perfectly polite terms he is abusive to you?

I honestly would LTB for that.

WouldBeGood · 27/11/2020 09:43

I’d be very interested to hear your DHs version of all this.

TidyDancer · 27/11/2020 09:43

Your DH should've dealt with this before there was any need to send a message yourself so that was the first issue. Your message was blunt and had a rude tone to it. You could've conveyed some sort of regret you weren't able to see them under the circumstances.

YANBU for your perspective on this but I don't think there was any kindness in your text. Perhaps if you are like this all the time then this is the reason they have seemingly overreacted. This definitely sounds like one of those scenarios where it needs to be assessed in the wider context and not as an isolated incident. I strongly suspect your ILs would have a very different take on what's happened.

Hoppinggreen · 27/11/2020 09:43

It’s a bit blunt, like something our Austrian or German rellies would send
Maybe should have included a bit more “British “ apology type stuff
And I agree DH is being a knob

Original poster

ZebraStripez · 27/11/2020 09:44

To be very kind to them, they may possibly have taken mild umbrage at your last sentence which more or less says your DH is being selfish
He was furious about the last sentence. Said it sounded like we aren’t a couple and I have no idea what he’s doing. I said well I don’t know what you’re doing, I’ve been asking you to make plans for Christmas for months and you’ve failed to do so.

did you send the text without consulting your DH?
I’ve been telling him for months that I’m isolating until I’m vaccinated. He’s failed to communicate that and has allowed them to have false expectations. I was sick of it and it was making me panicky thinking they were going to turn up, so I told them the truth.

Is your husband also isolating christmas aside? If you’re all one bubble then if he’s not isolating he’s introducing risk factors anyway surely?
He goes to work. That’s an unavoidable risk. We’ve done nothing else since March. His family on the other hand are introducing high risk - children at school and parents meeting up with friends and going to Christmas markets etc.

Do you not like your in-laws? Could you not have suggested an alternative like a walk?
I don’t dislike them. I just don’t want to take the risk of seeing anyone. Any contact is a risk. A walk is more risky than no walk. I’m not killing my elderly mother so they can have a nice chat.

OP posts:

PrivateD00r · 27/11/2020 09:44

I don't think it is possible for anyone here to jump to any conclusions. I would love to read the AIBU DH or MIL would write to see it from their side.

I can see how the health anxiety/panic attacks and having to bubble with his mil for 8 months now might have impacted on him to the point he has now had enough. It sounds very much like you are controlling the situation op and now getting involved by dictating Christmas with his family rather than letting him sort it out.

Or maybe he is a selfish arsehole.

Not enough information to decide imo. I do know however that I would not like to be in his situation either.