To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

@TheFuckingDogs

I’ve just read your message - I think it sounds snippy

Given the circumstances OP describes I'm not surprised!

Her DH seems to have forgotten her priorites, her DM and her own health. Obviously they seem to have slipped down his list of important things. So yes, snippy! But not horrible or nasty - that's his own personal Jiminy Cricket having a pop at him!

Your dh and his family are actually disgusting bullies. What a 24 carrot arsehole he is. Twat.

I honestly think that emotions are running high at the moment. Everyone needs to take a step back and let things calm down then approach it again rationally to see how your DH can safely see his family around Christmas time.

You're not BU at all and your DH's family sound like controlling nightmares. I think your message is totally reasonable given that they are putting pressure on you to do something unsafe.

To be very kind to them, they may possibly have taken mild umbrage at your last sentence which more or less says your DH is being selfish. I happen to think he is being selfish and that remark is entirely justified, but one can imagine that that may have put their noses out of joint.

You've got to stand your ground as your mum's health and yours are the priority and no-one should be trying to sway you on that.

But in the interests of keeping the peace you might want to follow up saying you dont mean to cause upset and you appreciate how much they miss your DH etc but you have to prioritise yours and your mum's health.

If they still have a problem with that then frankly life is too short.

Okay, I’ve seen the update. I suppose the only thing that might be wrong with that text is that there isn’t a suggestion of regret or apology. And did you send the text without consulting your DH? My DH wouldn’t appreciate me doing that.

Their reaction is thoroughly OTT, though. He could have said, ‘my mum was hurt by your text, it was too blunt.’ Then you could have apologised and you could all have moved on.

However you look at it, he was out of order to show the text to his work colleagues.

Well dh can visit them one way imo. Seeing your dm or keeping your dw alive...
What an arse he is.

It does sound a bit like you ended with 'I don't know what he's planning and I don't care' meaning I don't care about seeing all of you.

Sounds arsey to me.

Having read the update your text was fine. The only bit i think they will have taken as rude is “you’ll have to ask him” which does sound a bit snippy.

Can’t believe your DH shared that with work colleagues. That’s not normal.

Has your DH seen any of his family recently?

You and your Mum get to see each other fairly frequently I assume from your post?

From the outside, the government has made it possible for up to three households to socialise at Christmas which must have come as a lovely thing to look forward to for DH's family but you have said, a flat out no, that your mother comes first and no one else deserves any consideration.

They will not see your concerns in this right now as they will only see that is has been considered safe to see family for a few days at Christmas and they are looking forward to some much needed normality.

They have not kicked off, they have stopped replying and communicating. Perhaps after 8 months of no contact, they really cannot see your point of view and are struggling to find a way to have this conversation with you.

I am sending you a big hug and I hope you find a way to communicate with your DH about this.

Also if your husband was arranging it, why didnt you just ask him to unarrange it?
They were discussing coming over and he wasn’t telling them no. So I told them myself. He’s known for months that I’m isolating to protect myself and my mum and he’s failed to convey that.

Has your DH seen his family at all since March?
He’s visited his mum several times and I’ve seen her once outdoors (and even that made me nervous about Covid, I have health anxiety at the best of times and I have panic attacks). He hasn’t seen his other family. I realise it’s a shit situation but I’m not risking my mum’s life to keep them happy.

Agree with Bernadette. I get told I sound snippy when I message but I think it's because I don't use emojis or over express myself.

You've done no worse than them. They messaged saying they're coming over (not asking you, telling you) and you've messaged back telling them no. Hypocrites if they say your message is rude and theirs wasn't.

No. I don't think that is snippy. It's fine.

You need to learn the art of the bad news sandwich ...

Oh MIL how frustrating that we are still in this position and can’t have Christmas together this year .... your message.... without the you’ll have to ask him bit..... let’s do a lovely video call on the day to share present opening and plan what we will do next year to make up for it

Job done

Kisses also helpful in bad new texts

Does your mum live with you? Could you go to hers for a day over the Christmas period and let his family come to your house and see him? If he agrees to keep them in one room and wipe down the bathroom and open the windows when they are away the risks should be minimal.

did you send the text without consulting your DH? My DH wouldn’t appreciate me doing that.

Does your DH approve all the communication you have with his family?

The DH's family are trying to bully the OP into doing something she considers unsafe and the DH is not sticking up for the OP. Why on earth should she seek his blessing to explain her rationale for protecting her own family?

I’ve just read your message - I think it sounds snippy

This. It wasn’t overly nice.

If sounds like a normal and sensible text to me. I would be so pissed of with DH I would suggest he spends Xmas at his parents while you stay safe and have a quiet Xmas with your Mum. Showing a text you sent to his friends means he has no respect for you whatsoever. Your dh needs to grow up and stop trying to get one up on you. If my Mil blocked me I would not be forgiving her either.

This is an awful situation where emotions are running high - I think Christmas was seen as a panacea that somehow it would all be alright by this point and we could see people - and it is coming up short.

Presumably though he hasnt seen his family or done much since March and I think he has had enough and he does want to go - can he go on his own or is that too much of a risk as well?

I dont blame you for wanting to keep you and your mum safe, but the text had no warmth or feeling in it. Do you not like your in-laws? Could you not have suggested an alternative like a walk? Way too blunt. Though they have overreacted

The messages isn’t rude but the “ask him” bit was snarky so I can see why it might have ruffled a few feathers but given the situation ...

Is your husband also isolating christmas aside? If you’re all one bubble then if he’s not isolating he’s introducing risk factors anyway surely?

You’ve told them your plans, all you can do is discuss it with DP and if you’re still not agreeing he needs to leave your bubble and move back in with mummy then.

I think YABU and it’s because if your health anxiety. It’s a horrible condition for the sufferer and also one that’s very hard for someone else to live with.

I think you should seek treatment for that and keep out of your DHs family arrangements. I’d be very pissed off of my DP took it upon himself to message my family like that.

OP, your text it a lot more reasonable than the one that I’d’ve sent. Your H didn’t show your text to his workmates either, he’s just trying to make you feel bad. Tell him that you put yours online & it’s gone viral.

Can understand your reason for the text. However, did you start it by saying how sorry you were and what a terrible year this has been. Hope they would understand that the situation with your mother and yourself is.............Then finish with saying that your dh will sort something out himself and you will miss them but look forward to a get together hopefully by the Spring. Then finish with some emoji hearts etc.

I’ve just read your message - I think it sounds snippy
Sounds cold to me
I’m generally an unemotional person, very blunt and factual. I agree my text lacks that faux apologetic air; I’m not apologising for staying safe, that’s just the fact of the current situation. I actually took ages writing that text to ensure it was to the point and not rude. DH has now informed me that “this is why nobody likes you”.