To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

Yeah, I think it's a dig at your husband using the in laws feelings, and very undiplomatic, presumably because you think little for their feelings or perspectives. Your plan is not at all unreasonable but your communication was petty. I realise he has been spectacularly unhelpful. It does read as though you are about to divorce him.

I don't find your message straight to the point. I find it rude. You talk about your partner's family like they're acquaintances of yours, not family. "You'll have to ask him" sounds rude.

Nicities aren't about being British faux apologetic. They're about recognising others have feelings and doing your best to spare them. Obviously your MIL wants to see her son and probably you too. The least you could have done is said how much you'll miss them and look forward to getting together when we this is over.

Social skills cost nothing.

YANBU to not want to introduce extra risk, and I think you saying that DH can go to them, but you won't go with him and they can't come to you is totally reasonable. However your message didn't actually put that across. The way it was phrased, that last sentence in particular, seemed much more like you were saying that you didn't want DH to see them either, and have the impression that you weren't in any way upset at not getting to see them (maybe that's the case?). So I can see why it caused offence, though their reaction was a little OTT. I take it there've been similar misunderstandings between you and them before?

Fwiw, my husband used to send messages with a similar tone to my family - he saw them as factual, they read them as insulting. He's never been good at seeing things from other people's perspective, and has had to learn to. Mostly because I got tired of smoothing things over every time, might be something to take into account, sometimes it's not enough to be in the right.

I would have no problem with this message.

. “We’re my mums support bubble, she’s literally a few weeks from getting the vaccine and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated.

Totally understandable and a valid reason.

Also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors.

Again, of course you need to be careful with your health.

We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating over Christmas.

Letting them know it's nothing personal - you've had to do this for months and not from choice.

I don’t know if DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself, you’ll have to ask him”.
Letting them know you aren't stopping them seeing DH but of course you can't make his arrangements for him.

Either your in-laws are the type to look for offence or they are letting the stress of COVID get to them.

It’s interesting isn’t it that the majority of messages on this thread seem to be against the OP, yet the pole is overwhelmingly in her favour....

Sorry OP but do you have health problems or health anxiety? If it’s the latter you may be waiting a while for the vaccine, not to be a pessimist but I’m of the view I’ll believe it when I see it, with the current government. If your husband sees his family during the allotted window, will he then have to isolate from you?
I can’t help but wonder how you’d feel if it was the other way around.

To be honest you're not remotely flexable and not even not prepared to isolate for 2 weeks so he could see family. As others and myself stated their vulnerable family have been out and about. Youre mother is elderly and at the end where she could die in her sleep as harsh as that sound, we all face risks daily but having youre inlaws around is a low risk. Personally as my df stated (he has terminal cancer and won't reach 80) hes not going to waste his limited time here locked away this is a man who has almost died from pneumonia, sepsis and a stroke.

Gaslighting the OP by telling her that he’s shown her text to his colleagues to prove how nasty she is? Saying that this proves why nobody likes her?

This. Seems his whole family overreact to stuff.

And really what kind of adult blocks someone off the back of one text message? Like mother like son, eh?

What’s is it this year with MILs?

So many different messages on here saying how they specifically are getting upset. These are all grown women!!

And as for dh.....has he not cut his apron strings yet? Why is he not happy going to visit them?

From personal experience, the relationship between sons and their mothers seems odd. While I would happily tell my dm if we are not going to be able to see her (and she’d be fine with that), my DH will do exactly the same as yours, tiptoeing around his dm, not wanting to rock the boat and say no to her. Why are they like this?

Gaslighting the OP by telling her that he’s shown her text to his colleagues to prove how nasty she is? Saying that this proves why nobody likes her?

Forget all the rest of it. Never mind Christmas and COVID. This alone would have been leaving this toxic relationship and toxic family.

Trying to be helpful, OP, given you presumably want to have a relationship with your DP and his DM in the future, I'd recommend sending a message to your DP to send to his DM from you, along the lines of 'am terribly worried about COVID which has caused my anxiety to rocket, am terribly worried about my DM who is very vulnerable, haven't been out since March and still sterilising post and groceries. I look forward to spending time with you and the family as soon as am vaccinated. Will be banging on the GPs door to get first in the queue. Hope you understand and enjoy Christmas...

Try and write something empathetic and friendly.

You probably won't but you might find the costs of bluntness are burnt bridges and/or getting bluntness back. Do you feel better now your DP has bluntly shared some home truths?

Good luck.

If your husband is going out to work, and going to see his parents, then you may as well go see his parents too. It’s the same level of risk to your mum. For what it’s worth I think you’re being a bit selfish as you’ve decided that your mum is more important than his family. They could have a car accident in January.. think whether you’d feel guilty regarding Christmas then?

I get where you're coming from op but your text is blunt and cold in my opinion. I'm guessing from your dh saying " and this is why no one likes you" that this isn't the first time you've been blunt/cold towards people.

Like I said I understand your reasons for wanting to protect your mum but in that one text you've basically wiped out your Dh's Xmas with any of his family without even a discussion or compromise.

Why is your husband trying to convince you that you're nasty, and backing it up with 'proof' about 'why nobody likes you'?

I don't care what you may or may not have done wrong - these are not the behaviours of someone who loves you, or is even on your side in life. These are the behaviours of someone who wants to make you feel like shit.

Believe in what you believe about yourself. I imagine that if I asked you 'Are you a nasty person?', you'd say no. I imagine that if you looked at your life objectively, you'd clearly be able to see that 'Nobody likes you' is simply not true.

Why is he trying to convince you otherwise?

(Your message sounds straightforward and makes complete sense, btw, but I suspect that this issue is a symptom, rather than the problem itself..?)

Also your husband sounds like a dick. Would you consider moving in with your mum and just leaving him and his family to it?

All the people saying the DH husbands family were rude by text first, have I missed this? Where is the original text from them? Has it been published or are you just going by what the OP has inferred?

It’s really your way or the highway isn’t it? You’re pretty condescending and nasty about his family too.

That's not rude at all op so don't believe a word your dh is saying about his work colleagues commenting on it. Chances are they just nodded and agreed for a quiet life.

I'm in the same boat with my dad, he had a heart bypass that had complications not long ago, as a result we haven't seen him since March and we've made the decision, with him, not to visit over Xmas.

I think people need to realise that if you push the boundaries and aren't sensible this Xmas, you won't see some of your elderly relatives next year due to Covid.

You are being completely reasonable

Any contact is a risk. A walk is more risky than no walk. I’m not killing my elderly mother so they can have a nice chat

Op, I too think you are being overly extreme.

You bleach groceries? Get post with rubber gloves? Bloody hell.

It sounds like your health anxiety is running your lives.

Do you work op?
Does your DH go out to work?

I think your anxiety is running amok, and this latest text is probably tip of the iceberg

I personally find the last sentence rude and abrupt.
The rest of it is fine. You could have found a nicer way of putting it.
Maybe "I'm sorry that I won't be able to see you/won't be able to host you here but of course, DH will be able to visit you/meet up with you for a walk"

DH sounds like a pain in the arse. He should have dealt with the situation long ago by pre-empting it with a plan and then explaining why you wouldn't be able to meet up with them. I don't like the way he said "everyone at work" said it was rude. I had an ex who used to say "everyone says you were rude", "everyone thinks you are XYZ", "our mutual friends don't like you, they told me". All of this turned out to be bullshit - the actual truth was that those things were his opinion of me and it was his way of telling me rather than telling me directly that he thought this.

Your last sentence reads to me like you are pissed off with DH for not dealing with this, not supporting you properly and your latent anger about it is coming out.......

Oh your husband is nasty.

Nobody likes you?

Well he might as well fuck off to his family permanently then!

*Today 09:59 ClaireP20

Smallsteps88
You’ve deliberately not posted the text itself OP despite asking opinions on the text which leads me to believe the text was unreasonable and you know it.
This..*

The entire text is quoted in OPs 2nd post, page 1. Many other posters on here have copied and pasted it in their posts. HTH

No words. Shocked that a partner can behave like that, passive aggressive, undermining you, being a bully. Wow.

Jesus, they are adults!

Do they just take offence at everything?

Sometimes you just have to say things as they are.

No apologies or buts or they'll be looking for a way in!

I think people who are unemotional should perhaps stay away from keyboards or get someone else to send 'the message'.

OP - your message was borderline rude with the killer bit being the last sentence and I think you know it. I expect his family have had their fill of your unemotions and I mean this kindly not rudely.

I mean - bleaching the groceries ? Really ?? Come on !