To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

@ripples101

Sorry I meant to share this one...
www.thelancet.com/journals/laninf/article/PIIS1473-3099(20)30561-2/fulltext

I haven’t read the other one!

Bleaching groceries is more or less a textbook definition of being neurotic.

@ReeseWitherfork

Thank you for the link.

I can’t find any mention in the link (and a pdf attached to the link) that says touching it kills it.

Your second link was the pdf that I read that was attached to your first link

Your text starts off fine but I’m afraid it ends with a snippy tone, whether or not that’s what you intended. For the sake of avoiding precisely what’s happened, I would have softened the wording of the second half. Even adding something like, ‘I hope you have a lovely day and I’m really looking forward to next Christmas being back to normal’ would have taken you just a few seconds and perhaps avoided the current ill feeling.

I’ve just read that you’ve got a child/children of nursery age. That’s very concerning then that you have stayed in since March. And are bleaching food shopping and collecting mail with gloves. If you’re not able to manage your anxiety so that it’s not to your children’s (and you and your husband’s) detriment) By yourself or by getting therapy and/or taking meds to help with that then I would suggest you do so now. It’s not fair. To anyone in your family including you. Even with an elderly mother you cannot sacrifice everything else to be able to keep her company. There are many ways to do that. And I suspect if you’re honest that’s not the real reason - that’s the more acceptable reason - and I would say it’s still not acceptable in light of competing risks to your children - but perhaps it has more to do with how horrible HA is and how controlling and retreating gives you the (false) sense that it’s helping instead of reducing by our life. I’d say forget about this issue with in laws for now - you say yourself you have anxiety so make dealing with that your priority.

I suggest those scoffing at disinfecting groceries read this government advice page. It states clearly that there should be no need to wash packaging because the STORE will have covid safe practices (so trust the store staff with your health). Oh - but wash your hands anyway. Oh, and only touch the food you are going to buy - why is that then? If it's not transmitted on surfaces - so I trust other shoppers not to touch things they aren't going to buy?

Seriously? This is all about trusting other people to have done the right thing because we KNOW it's transmitted on surfaces. I'm not confident all those other people will have done the right thing tbh. Some of them might be the scoffers and deniers on this thread.

And no, he doesn't do all of it, but he is more thorough than me because he is trained in infection control. It's not a big deal and it might save our lives.

I know of a couple living in a retirement complex who have not ventured out of that building since the start of lockdown. He got COVID, interestingly she didn't. I was chatting to her on zoom and the only transmission route they can think of is a surface in the communal areas when he went to collect post.

The OP is being cautious with her health and taking sensible precautions.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/guidance-for-consumers-on-coronavirus-covid-19-and-food/guidance-for-consumers-on-coronavirus-covid-19-and-food

OP it's interesting that you assert that the arrangement for you vulnerable 80 year old mother coming over to babysit is an arrangement that exists between your dh and her. You assert that you've told her to say no, but she doesn't.

Why then, on your day off, would YOU drive to collect her, thus facilitating your husband's 'laziness'.

Fwiw I agree that strong boundaries are important, as is downtime and equal parenting. But this doesn't seem to be that. It seems to be rigid point scoring and transactional parenting that leaves everyone bitter and angry.

How is that healthy?

[quote catsrus]I suggest those scoffing at disinfecting groceries read this government advice page. It states clearly that there should be no need to wash packaging because the STORE will have covid safe practices (so trust the store staff with your health). Oh - but wash your hands anyway. Oh, and only touch the food you are going to buy - why is that then? If it's not transmitted on surfaces - so I trust other shoppers not to touch things they aren't going to buy?

Seriously? This is all about trusting other people to have done the right thing because we KNOW it's transmitted on surfaces. I'm not confident all those other people will have done the right thing tbh. Some of them might be the scoffers and deniers on this thread.

And no, he doesn't do all of it, but he is more thorough than me because he is trained in infection control. It's not a big deal and it might save our lives.

I know of a couple living in a retirement complex who have not ventured out of that building since the start of lockdown. He got COVID, interestingly she didn't. I was chatting to her on zoom and the only transmission route they can think of is a surface in the communal areas when he went to collect post.

The OP is being cautious with her health and taking sensible precautions.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/guidance-for-consumers-on-coronavirus-covid-19-and-food/guidance-for-consumers-on-coronavirus-covid-19-and-food[/quote]
Does he do this as standard practice, even pre Covid, in order to protect your health? Many other nasty viruses live on surfaces, some up to a month apparently.

@ZebraStripez

If your DH were to visit his parents with your children how would you expect them to isolate from you? I’d go and stay with my mother for a fortnight. Have a lovely rest and let DH see how tiring it is looking after toddlers round the clock.

😧😧😧😧😧

Christ on a bike.....

So, like father like daughter? Your dad seems to have the same issues with social interaction that you do. I find the dynamic of your whole household very odd, and your insistence that you need a 'day off' strange, you don't seem to enjoy your children's company at all ( and I do appreciate the need for a break) but this seems so very cold somehow., lurking up in your room reading while your supposedly frail mother takes care of them downstairs. Your DH shouldn't have been discussing your text with his colleagues, but I wonder if he was needing a 'balancing ' of what's normal if he's been dealing with your anxiety and determination not to 'pander' or indeed consider other people's feelings. As others have said, your family issues appear to go much deeper than a text over Christmas arrangements

Catsrus you clearly feel very strongly about it, so I suspect it’s you doing it and not a medic. Just crack on. No one has ever caught it from a surface and even the heisenberg study showed with four infect patients in one house the scientists couldn’t find the virus live on any surface at all. And they did what, a thousand homes? You also know that all the delivery drivers are not coming down with it, or retail workers, supermarket workers etc? Folks who touch packaging all day long? Logically the evidence is there if you think about it. You can’t catch it from a package, certainly not in a high enough dose to make you ill, if, by any stretch of the imagination you could catch it from your groceries.

However you need to do what you feel makes you happy and if bleaching your groceries is it, then crack on and bleach your groceries.

God forbid a woman has boundaries and enforced them. OP, YANBU. There’s nothing wrong with your message, and if people can’t take it at face value and choose to read things into it that aren’t there that’s their problem. Personally I think your attitude and approach is fantastic and a lot of people could do with taking a leaf out of your book rather than martyring themselves or being fawning doormats.

@namechangeforfriday

God forbid a woman has boundaries and enforced them. OP, YANBU. There’s nothing wrong with your message, and if people can’t take it at face value and choose to read things into it that aren’t there that’s their problem. Personally I think your attitude and approach is fantastic and a lot of people could do with taking a leaf out of your book rather than martyring themselves or being fawning doormats.

I am more than capable of setting and enforcing boundaries.

I would still have sent a kinder text.

I take it that the op isn't returning to the thread as people aren't overwhelmingly in her favour.

Personally I think your attitude and approach is fantastic
I think her attitude and approach to her own life is indeed fantastic*. If that’s how she wants to live her life then it’s great she’s doing it. I’m baffled that people would want to live life in such a manner and don’t. What’s stopping you? If you don’t like socialising, don’t want to play nice with your in laws, and don’t want to find a way to co-parent with your husband then don’t do it. Simple.

The push back from most people on this thread is that it’s alien to them. They don’t want to live life like that so they don’t and they’re questioning someone that would.

*big caveat that the less-than-fantastic bit is that OP wants to live life on an island (with her mother) but she’s decided to stay married. And again, lots of people confused about how this way of life is compatible with children.

@ripples101 ah sorry I missed that bit. I thought you were generally asking about fomite transmission. That’s news to me too.

@namechangeforfriday

God forbid a woman has boundaries and enforced them. OP, YANBU. There’s nothing wrong with your message, and if people can’t take it at face value and choose to read things into it that aren’t there that’s their problem. Personally I think your attitude and approach is fantastic and a lot of people could do with taking a leaf out of your book rather than martyring themselves or being fawning doormats.

Yup. And you’d get a lot more very lonely unhappy people. Like I suspect the op is from her subsequent posts.

There is a way to deliver bad news and set boundaries without being cunty. The text was fine, no one is taking issue with the text other than it could have been phrased more kindly given she was telling grandparents rhey couldn’t see their grandkids, it’s all her other posts that have given a wider context and that folks are reacting to.

@catsrus OP is not being "cautious" she's

1 given up work
2 removed her children from nursery
3 not been out since March
4 over zealous with cleaning etc
5 would seem to be only allowing her husband to work because it happens to be in a Covid safe, what if he was a postman handling all those infected letters
6 she wants her husband to take two weeks leave to isolate / because they're not going abroad anyway, no thought that he may prefer annual leave at another time.

She's letting her health anxiety be detrimental to her childrens and husbands life.

Totally unreasonable!

OP, after your first post I thought maybe you have some anxiety issues, but it doesn't look like it. You are just incredibly selfish. You should go and live with your mum so 2 of you can isolate together.
Sending his family that text without even asking your DH is inappropriate at the very least

80sColourfulChristmas

@GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly You do realise that it's only London which has a tube don't you? That there's an entire nation (Well 3) outside of London.... hmm

I was being facetious that the OP is massively concerned for her mum’s welfare / Covid (except for when it suits her to get her 80 year old Mum over to babysit).

And while we are splitting hairs there’s also a metro (underground Tube trains) in Newcastle.

@namechangeforfriday

God forbid a woman has boundaries and enforced them. OP, YANBU. There’s nothing wrong with your message, and if people can’t take it at face value and choose to read things into it that aren’t there that’s their problem. Personally I think your attitude and approach is fantastic and a lot of people could do with taking a leaf out of your book rather than martyring themselves or being fawning doormats.

You've got to be kidding. Oh yes, what a wonderful world it would be if every parent couldn't give a shit about anyone other than themselves and their mother.

F the DH.
F his family.
F the kids' education and social interaction.
As long as mother is fine and well enough to babysit.

Why is nobody railing against the husband for playing computer games when he’s meant to be parenting his children, or for refusing to actually communicate with and make arrangements with his own family? Oh, of course, because that’s all women’s work and one drawing a line and refusing to take on more of the mental load than she wants is the spawn of Satan.