To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

@ZebraStripez

And to spend one day a week each avoiding your kids and sitting in the bath or your bedroom alone is really quite disturbing. I’m with children every day of the week, all day and all night. It’s not unreasonable to want some time on my own. It’s probably 11am-5pm, so about six hours. Quite often I sleep because I’m exhausted after being on childcare duty every night. And if I take time for myself then I have to give DH the same amount of time for himself.

Bliney

You mean to tell me. There are some SAHM that get 6 hours off?!? Every single week?!??

What?!?!?!? This actually happens? My gosh.

I don’t ever get time off from my 2. I maybe get one hour a month to go to an app. That’s it.

I’m also CEV. So can’t go anywhere anyway. I never bath alone. Ha. I’ve got someone saying mummy. Come do this. Or mummy can I chat to you.

I mean I’m probably one of those weird parents who I adore spending my time with. Mine are a little older though. Not much. 2 years. But wow!!! Even if I was to rest. I get disturbed. Lols

Oooh. I’m going to break this to the husband!

@ContessaDiPulpo
The thing is, if I am reading it correctly, OP says she isn't preventing her DH from visiting his parents with the kids, BUT he then has to isolate with them for 2 weeks, with no childcare as OP is a SAHP and as the sole family breadwinner. This to me is the completely unreasonable part and it does in effect mean that she is stopping him from seeing them.

I have to say. I see this often

Parents who want alone time. Whilst I understand that some people do need alone time. If they are always fobbing then off on either other people or the other parent. Resentment builds up. He doesn’t do his share. She doesn’t do her share. Why should I pick up the slack. Why should I reach for my crying child when he’s down there with them. He should do it! There’s only one person who really suffers in all that

The child.

However. I do think your original text was ok. Last line was a little off.

I get the feeling you have such resentment for your DH. Children pick up on that. We can try and smooth over it

I have a friend. Whose been in an unhappy marriage for many years. He always used to tell me she didn’t know. The kids didn’t know. His kids were 2 and the other was 9 months old.

Those kids are now 27 and 25. The guy is still in the same unhappy marriage. The kids knew. The wife knew. It’s been such a sad sad time. She never felt he loved her enough. He didn’t. He never left because of his own issues. It’s been some 30 odd years and the only person who solu Freres. The kids.

@ZebraStripez

Just see your mum on Christmas day, see his family boxing day and then isolate for 2 weeks before you see your mum again. I don’t think it’s fair for an elderly lady to have to be alone for two weeks just so I can have a chat with my inlaws. If DH wants to visit them he can.

Your DH should've dealt with this before there was any need to send a message yourself
That’s why I was annoyed. He’s known for months that I’ve hardly left the house. I’ve been bleaching the groceries and picking up the post with rubber gloves. Yet his family still think they’re going to be popping in.

I'm sorry, you've been bleaching groceries

I'm totally behind you on this situation but bleaching groceries is borderline clinically neurotic.
I think you need to contact your GP (via phone) OP and have a chat about your worries and concerns

@Newuser991

I think you and your mother should go and DH has the kids and lives a normal life with them.

Bleaching groceries ffs

What the fuck?! You're telling OP to walk away from her kids?!?!?!?

@thenightsky

Are you saying your children have not been out beyond your home and garden for 8 months?

HOLYYYY FUCKKKKKKKKK

@MrsBrunch

I am having trouble equating a pre school mother with an 80 year old mum to be honest.

40 + 40 = 80

Excuse you?! My Mum was 40 when she had me! My Dad was 45.....

She's now 76 and I'm 36 with a 5 year old.

Give your head a shake love

@GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly You do realise that it's only London which has a tube don't you? That there's an entire nation (Well 3) outside of London....

@ZebraStripez Try bring a lone parent with no father (he's passed away before you assume)

We don't get days off to sit in our room all day like a teenager. We have to get on with it and accept that no alone time is just how it has to be most of the time.

I see now why you're so against seeing his parents - then your Mum will no longer agree to babysit on a Saturday and you'll lose your precious bedroom brooding time 🙄😳

It does sound rather rude to me. I don’t see the issue in sending a message saying ‘ sorry but I really can’t risk my mum etc’

It doesn’t hurt anyone to have a bit of kindness. Have you thought at all about how it may be hurting your DH that he doesn’t see his family? Everyone is struggling with this in some way.

Admit it OP - you don't want your husband to see his family because then your vulnerable 81 year old mother won't be able to look after YOUR kids for 6 hours for a couple of Saturdays while you sit on your arse in your room shirking all responsibility as a parent.

It would only be 2 weeks of actually having to parent on the weekend, then your vulnerable elderly mother could take back over. For the sake of letting your husband see his family over Christmas, after 9 months of not seeing them at all, that doesn't seem like a huge ask?

Bleaching groceries is not neurotic in the slightest. I share a house with a medic, he's been doing it since the start of lockdown - we joke that he's our infection control officer.

He regularly bleaches door handles and work surfaces too. Post or groceries that aren't urgent or perishable go into quarantine for 72 hrs.

we know the virus persists on surfaces - hence the "wash your hands regularly" advice - but can be killed by bleach / disinfectant (we use Milton) so if you are particularly vulnerable then this is good practice - not being neurotic. It's such a simple thing to do and might save your life, why would you not do it?

Glad to see the OP has also had the good boundaries to leave this thread once the shit-stirrers completely took over!

‘Do you have any friends?’ oh do just fuck right off 😆

Bleaching groceries is not neurotic in the slightest. I share a house with a medic, he's been doing it since the start of lockdown - we joke that he's our infection control officer

How odd. You’d think he’d know better. The virus is so delicate that although it can survive on surfaces under lab conditions, in real life touching it kills it, even the government has stated it’s not necessary. Maybe his job has made him neurotic?

Bleaching groceries is not neurotic.

Best sentence of the day

He regularly bleaches door handles and work surfaces too. Post or groceries that aren't urgent or perishable go into quarantine for 72 hrs.

Does the postman bleach the urgent post before he delivers it? Just in case....

It's totally neurotic, imagine if the whole world was acting so insanely. Nothing would be on supermarket shelves, no post the works would literally collapse.

*the world

I find it so incredible to read how separately you parent. As of during the week the children are not your husband's problem, and in his day they're not yours. Do either of you not have a mutual interest in what your children are doing or where they are on your "day off"?

@SomewhereInbetween1 Precisely. My DH and I parent our DDs jointly. When one of us is exhausted and needed a break the other one will step in. If I'm having a rest and I can hear that my DH is under stress and struggling, I will step in to support him. And no way could I ignore my DDs if they called 'Mummy!' and cane into my bedroom looking for me.

The only time I haven't done that was when I was ill with Covid and clearly infectious and was self-isolating from the family. I hated having to do that as well.

OP makes s lot of sense.

@catsrus

Bleaching groceries is not neurotic in the slightest. I share a house with a medic, he's been doing it since the start of lockdown - we joke that he's our infection control officer.

He regularly bleaches door handles and work surfaces too. Post or groceries that aren't urgent or perishable go into quarantine for 72 hrs.

we know the virus persists on surfaces - hence the "wash your hands regularly" advice - but can be killed by bleach / disinfectant (we use Milton) so if you are particularly vulnerable then this is good practice - not being neurotic. It's such a simple thing to do and might save your life, why would you not do it?

1. Presumably he’s doing it because he is working in an environment where Covid may be present?

1. Interesting that you sit back and let him do it all for you!

@Bluntness100

“How odd. You’d think he’d know better. The virus is so delicate that although it can survive on surfaces under lab conditions, in real life touching it kills it, even the government has stated it’s not necessary. Maybe his job has made him neurotic?”

I’ve never heard this before. Where have you read this? Link please if you’ve got one

Why are married?
The entire setup seems pretty toxic imo. I actually feel sorry for the dc here.

If neither of you can stand each other, or each other's families, then what the hell is the point of being married. I think you have bigger problems than just Christmas tbh.

@ripples101

www.thelancet.com/journals/laninf/article/PIIS1473-3099(20)30678-2/fulltext