To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

Or that they’d believe that was the actual message she sent.

Judging by OP's complete disregard for anyone aside from her mother and herself, I can believe he would have no problem sending that to her DH's family. She doesn't give a shit about them.

I've read it all.

There's no drip feed.

OP just isn't playing the way the nitpickers want her to and isn't apologising for daring to have boundaries.

Her husband is a prick.

@Mrgrinch

It's quite clear that the OP had taken her "78% YANBU" and run away believing she is right.

It is definitely necessary to RTFT (or at least all of OP's posts) to realise just how unreasonable she is being.

I, like @Bluntness100 have never heard of a more bizarre situation in my life.

I'm guessing that most of those votes were cast without reading any more than the OP.

I think they all owe you an apology. Particularly your ‘d’h.

Judging by OP's complete disregard for anyone aside from her mother and herself, I can believe he would have no problem sending that to her DH's family. She doesn't give a shit about them.

I meant that I believe the real message was probably ruder! The message she claims to have sent makes no sense. Why mention that she’s been isolating since March and the additional risk factors? Those details are out of place in a message to a family who need no context.

Nah, I've read the whole thread and am still amazed at the hammering the OP is getting. In guessing it is because she quite probably isn't neurotypical and writes in a far more objective, dispassionate way than many would.

I've read the whole thread and am still amazed at the hammering the OP is getting.
I’d be inclined to say it’s more because of some of the bizarre scenarios thrown around.

@ReeseWitherfork Ah, I see what you meant! I completely agree. If the OP has form for being especially 'blunt and factual', then the text must have been far worse than usual for it to have had such a reaction from DH's family.

@IndecentFeminist there is no evidence that the OP isn't neurotypical. When the tide started to turn on her, she casually dropped in that she wonders if perhaps she isn't. But that was only after someone else had suggested it.

The OP's style of writing reminds me a bit of the protagonist in "The Rosie Project" who was on the autistic spectrum. Obviously we can't diagnose over the internet but it wouldn't surprise me if she is on the spectrum too.

I quite enjoyed reading the OPs 's very blunt and dispassionate replies. I think she is being unreasonable by saying no one can come near her or her children apart from her mum or else her DH will need to quarantine woth DC for 14 days. Sounds very OTT. DH also sounds like an arse though.

OP I think you probably need some counselling for your health anxiety because it could be some time before you are able to have the vaccine.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong by having boundaries and protecting your own wellbeing BUT in a good relationship you don't have to enforce boundaries in this way because both partners love each other and do their best to make each other's life easier and there is give and take. I would seriously think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

YoniAndGuy I've read it all. There's no drip feed.

No drip feed?! It took the OP ten posts to mention that she and her DH have pre-school children that her decision making affects too. Pretty significant detail to not mention!

@TheFuckingDogs

I’ve just read your message - I think it sounds snippy

I agree. It's the "you'll have to ask him" bit. It is odd, when in a couple, to not have discussed that sort of thing before sending and so alot of people (myself included) would read that as a really loaded phrase

@ReeseWitherfork

Judging by OP's complete disregard for anyone aside from her mother and herself, I can believe he would have no problem sending that to her DH's family. She doesn't give a shit about them.

I meant that I believe the real message was probably ruder! The message she claims to have sent makes no sense. Why mention that she’s been isolating since March and the additional risk factors? Those details are out of place in a message to a family who need no context.

Tbh I would mention those things to be clear as to the reasons why as without them I'd just be saying I'm not going and dont know if DH is

@ZebraStripez

So what’s the next step OP? Make amends with the in laws or not? I don’t see why I should. 78% of people seem to think my text was just fine. On that basis the in-laws should be apologising to me for huffing off for nothing.

Despite your text being fine some of your other behaviour is it. Yes your DH isn’t facilitating his mother seeing your children over zoom and yes you shouldn’t have to get involved in that. But not wanting to join a family quiz , are they not your family too through marriage? And you should let your DC have a relationship with their grandparents and foster that. I zoom my husband’s parents because he’s very busy. It doesn’t sound like you like them very much.

OP I think you probably need some counselling for your health anxiety because it could be some time before you are able to have the vaccine

To be honest, I suspect the op is hoping the longer the better. Because then she gets to keep this up.

@ZebraStripez

Really could they not even arrange a walk outside with the PIL to see the grandchildren? That would be lovely. I’ll leave it for him to organise. I have enough to do already.

You know it’s not difficult to be nice OP. A quick text to say, how about we all do a socially distanced walk at x . Tell him it will be on his weekend day off because he owes it to his parents but for god sake go with him. Like yes you don’t need to like his family but part of their blood is in your children and they seem to want to try to have a relationship and you effectively won’t help that relationship because it’s not your responsibility. The kids are your responsibility and the are his responsibility. Do it for the kids sake.

@ZebraStripez

But, your mum has the kids while he plays games. Come on! That's not fair at all. No it’s not fair. He needs to stop it. But the solution is not for me to take the kids. He needs to take them himself.

Or for you to ask your mum to come upstairs to look at something with you and therefore say to your DH he’ll need to stay down with the kids. Then say your mum is really tired so she’s stayed upstairs for a lie down. Oh and by the way at least where I am ( not that you would want to with your health anxiety etc) you can have a support bubble who you don’t distance with and a seperate childcare bubble who don’t come into contact with the parents and can look after the children at the home of the caregiver ( ie not the children’s own home where the adults of the house are). So MIL could under the rules babysit.

I am surprised at how much of a battering the OP is getting here - I think she is in the right/exhausted/resentful, and her DH sounds like a lazy arse. I also admire her communication style, frankly, but can see that it could rub many up the wrong way.

OP, I think your interactions in day to day life would be smoothed immeasurably by adopting the 'Nicey Nicey, actual message, nicey nicey' approach as described up thread. Your lack of gloss may be abrasive to a lot of people (unfortunately)!

@ContessaDiPulpo

I am surprised at how much of a battering the OP is getting here - I think she is in the right/exhausted/resentful, and her DH sounds like a lazy arse. I also admire her communication style, frankly, but can see that it could rub many up the wrong way.

OP, I think your interactions in day to day life would be smoothed immeasurably by adopting the 'Nicey Nicey, actual message, nicey nicey' approach as described up thread. Your lack of gloss may be abrasive to a lot of people (unfortunately)!

I’m an abrasive person too but I think she’s putting walls up everywhere and it’s her way or the highway. That’s not fair either. I have made some suggestions which are within Covid rules.

OP, your text was fine. You are fine.

I also admire her communication style, frankly, but can see that it could rub many up the wrong way.
Not sure this is all about communication style. She doesn’t want to engage with her in laws at all. End of. She’s made that very very clear. So it’s two things: not liking them/caring about them, and not attempting to cover it up. It’s perfectly acceptable not to like people and not to have to be nicey nicey about it but don’t expect people to then not get offended. Is OP being unreasonable? Possibly, possibly not. But I struggle to see anyone argue that the in laws have to accept not being liked and that not being sugar coated.

“People I don’t like and I am not nice to have blocked me”. SHOCKER.

And for the husband... He’s a dick to her, she’s a dick to him. As previous posters have said, it’s toxic. OP hasn’t denied that or tried to argue it.

This thread has gone on a weird tangent, people now demanding OP give her life story and justify every decision, with flowery language. Op has done the right thing in not coming back.

Husband is a total twat and MIL needs to mature by about 40 years.

I think OP makes a lot of sense, even though I personally wouldn’t make the same choices. The marriage sounds pretty toxic though and I don’t think OP and DH are too keen on each other.

TBH your marriage is dead in the water, you've no communication and this is just another nail
In the coffin and another stick to beat your OH with.

He has as much right to see his family, it's not all about your family.

Your health anxiety also needs to be addressed. It's causing real life issues, have you tried therapy?

@HTH1

I think OP makes a lot of sense, even though I personally wouldn’t make the same choices. The marriage sounds pretty toxic though and I don’t think OP and DH are too keen on each other.

I think this about sums it up!

Re the inlaws: I sympathise with OP again as I have taken the line with DH right from the start that he arranges our interactions with his family. I am lucky that they are (usually) nice people and so I actively want to see them, but if they were unpleasant/twattish then I would cheerfully ignore them. I didn't marry them, after all, and I would balk at being expected to initiate social occasions with people whom I dislike/who dislike me (partly because it is just another part of the mental load wives often get handed upon marriage).