To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

If her hobby is reading or relaxing

If her hobby is relaxing? 😂😂😂

If it was a man, the op would be seriously getting his arse handed to him

So why isn't he. Why are people blaming OP?

@Bluntness100

If her hobby is reading or relaxing

If her hobby is relaxing? 😂😂😂

Yes. What's so funny about that?

Maybe because op is going to fetch her mother, its the benefit for her, she put her foot down and refuse to get her but she doesn't she us compliance in this as much as her husband is.

I don't think it sounds snippy at all. What does your DH want you to do? Write them a poem? Send a loving note via Dove messenger? Kiss their asses?!!

The text sounds fine to me OH. it's your DH who is the problem, not you!

And what normal person blocks someone after 1 text they don't like?

There is a big space between not engaging in wifework and blocking a spouse from taking their kids for tea at their grandparents house by insisting that he takes annual leave and isolate for 14 days afterwards - and spending the best part of a year doing that.

Op - your mum may well be vaccinated soon but I doubt you will be, how long are you going to do this for?

@Nottherealslimshady it's not unreasonable that her DH would like to see his parents or them to wish to see his family. I suspect the DH's family are more upset that her rather abrupt text suggests the prospect of not seeing their 2 & 4 year old grandchildren at Christmas rather than not seeing OP for a few more months (that sounds like it would be a relief on both sides). It would have been far more productive to suggest the safest manner for a meeting to happen or at least show a bit of understanding that it would be disappointing to not see their grandchildren.

Yes. What's so funny about that?

Honestly, you’re cheering me up no end.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

and factual. I agree my text lacks that faux apologetic air; I’m not apologising for staying safe, that’s just the fact of the current situation. I actually took ages writing that text to ensure it was to the point and not rude. DH has now informed me that “this is why nobody likes you”.

But to the point CAN be perceived as rude. And You know what DHs family is like but you decided to just be you whilst saying something you knew the family wouldn't like or appreciate

Fair enough. Be you if that makes you happy and don't worry about what others think of you

But don't then start a thread on MN asking for approval

Jeez

@MrsBrunch I agree, the rule should be the same for both. It's also odd that he sits playing computer games and lets an elderly woman look after his children.
This does not seem like a proper family unit, more like 2 people cohabiting and having to raise children.

The wording of your text is unimportant. Your domestic arrangements about time off from your DC are your business. (And your inlaws sound like a nightmare.)

What stands out to me is your husband saying things like 'no-one likes you'. I'm not one to jump to 'he's abusive' but he sounds downright cruel and nasty. Your partner should be the person who loves, admires and supports you, not someone who puts you down or belittles you. IMO you need to have a serious think about whether this relationship is good for you.

@GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly No I agree, but he was unreasonable to arrange something that involved them coming into their home knowing his wife would feel uncomfortable and not tell her about it and then kick off when she said she didn't want to see them but he can.

He should have discussed it with her that he wanted to see his family but understands that she is anxious about her and her mothers health so can we come to some agreement where he gets to see his family but she feels safe.

Imagine your husband arranging for anyone to just turn up on Christmas day, covid or not, and not tell you about it.

this is why nobody likes you

Gawd - your husband actually said that to you 😱

He needs the Christmas tree rammed up his arse (metaphorically etc etc) for describing his wife as some pariah. Does he actually like you?

His family sound like silly teenagers 'blocking you' etc - pathetic.

@Bluntness100

Yes. What's so funny about that?

Honestly, you’re cheering me up no end.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I guess it's just that I've seen you post a lot and usually admire the fact that you clearly speak your mind but this seems a bit passive aggressive for you Bluntness.

Personally, I think that however your spend your 'hobby' time is up to you and if relaxing is your thing, that's ok.

Not sure what your problem is with that. Would you prefer it if OP's hobby was golf, or cycling for example?

How does her down time make a difference? If her dh wants to play computer games and she wants to just relax, why does that prompt so much mirth?

@Bluntness100

Yes. What's so funny about that?

Honestly, you’re cheering me up no end.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

We had a CV come in to my work recently for a job application in which someone actually had the audacity to put "going on my phone" as a hobby/interest.

I digress...

But we don’t actually know what the message from the OPs family said in the first place?

If this has been how OP has been throughout the pandemic then would the DHs family really expect a sudden change?

All of this could have been avoided if OP AND her husband discussed it like adults and if they didn’t hate each other

To be honest it sounds as though you and your DH don’t like each other or your children. It’s then I feel sorry for, loving this miserable joyless existence for the last 8 months, isolated and kept away from everyone except you, your husband and their 80 year old grandma with no end in sight.

I’ve never been one for pandering to feelings.

Some people would call it having a bit of compassion and empathy. They haven’t seen their grandchildren since March. Your mother sees them several times a week. Of course they miss them and want to see them. Why is it only you that gets to say yes or no?

Sounds fine to me. Some people are worried about covid ie me for my family and vulnerable bubble and some people aren't worried at all so wont understand where you are coming from. I reckon your DH and his family are in the latter so can't comprehend why you are saying what you are.

OP, you sound miserable. Be that the health anxiety, the pandemic, or your frankly horrible-sounding husband - you can't drag your children down with you. It's not right. Get help for their sakes.

Choosing to bubble with your mother over your eldest attending reception/nursery is not a decision I understand, but I don't judge you for it if you and your husband are doing your best to ensure their lives are still happy and fulfilled with those small interactions with others that amount to so much.

I really hope you use this thread as an opportunity to get help. Would you say you're like your father and don't need much social time? You worked in a nursery? So you must know the value of peer play for a 4 year old.

I don't want to sound critical, but if you're unhappily married, it's in your power to change it.

It's quite clear that the OP had taken her "78% YANBU" and run away believing she is right.

It is definitely necessary to RTFT (or at least all of OP's posts) to realise just how unreasonable she is being.

I, like @Bluntness100 have never heard of a more bizarre situation in my life.

It is definitely necessary to RTFT (or at least all of OP's posts) to realise just how unreasonable she is being.

Yes, cracking drip feed.

Op I actually think you sound like an twit in your replies.
Your dh is going to see his family, are you asking him to isolate them on his own for 2 weeks after before he comes home to you? Because if not you and your mum are at no more risk than you visiting too. You're just being selfish, and haven't thought about him in this at all.

Yes, cracking drip feed.

Baffles me that people wouldn’t see there was a drip feed coming. Or that they’d believe that was the actual message she sent.

I voted YANBU initially but changed my vote to YABU after following the thread. I’ve been really shocked at the way the OP is allowing her DM to be taken advantage of, after making out that she was being taken advantage of.

Probably because my DM is a similar age (81 in her case). She’s very active, especially with her trips to Africa, and it would never occur to me to even ask her to look after my DDs when both my DH and I are in the house. She has her life and she shouldn’t feel the need to be around just because I wanted a day off from being a parent. (I didn’t do this when my DDs were preschoolers either.)

It’s just so cheeky and I hope her DM starts to say ‘no’, this just isn’t fair of her.

I suspect that a lot of the YANBUs are similar to me in that way.