Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get so mad at needy/manipulative women?

344 replies

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 26/11/2020 18:03

In my life to date I have come across so many needy/manipulative women - women who get people to run around after them. Who get people to take on responsibilities for them. Who look at them and think 'but they need my help - how could I say no?'

From women who can't even wash their own car (so their husband does it) or take it to the car wash, to women won't take the bins out on bin day because they are dirty, to women who drop very unsubtle hints about stuff they like sooooo much so their husbands save up and buy them for them (expensive bags or shoes for example), or they get their partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids from a previous relationship.

My sister is one of them. A colleague is the same. Someone in my circle of friends.

They drive me nuts. Why can't they be grown ups and do stuff for themselves? Sorry - I am probably being unreasonable but I heard today how one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.

And yes, I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/11/2020 12:08

You’re just jealous of your sister, OP.

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 27/11/2020 12:13

OP You sounds judgemental, jealous and bitter. You really don’t know how anybody else’s relationship works other than yours, and why would you care.

D4rwin · 27/11/2020 12:18

I'm split on this one. Women are often infantilised in patriarchy, then there's the helpless maiden trope. Is it any wonder that some women then loose their ability to be mature and independent - some women will have been encouraged to appear "delicate"?

Then again, surely they, like men who "cant" clean these things aren't hard. So they perhaps have become manipulative and are taking the piss.

Bubbletrouble43 · 27/11/2020 12:19

My dp takes the bins out because his slippers are waterproof and mine aren't. He also deals with anything technologically related (from WiFi issues to retuning the TV) because anything gadgety gives me the rage. He also paints ceilings because I'm really short. I do LOTS of other things that he's not up to. It's called division of labour. Meh.

D4rwin · 27/11/2020 12:19

BUT all in all. If it's not someone in your household not pulling their weight it's none of your business. At all.

Bubbletrouble43 · 27/11/2020 12:21

And we both drop hints to each other about presents we would like, and enjoy buying them for each other.... What the hells the issue with that?

Nicolastuffedone · 27/11/2020 12:23

We just do whatever needs to be done although my housekeeping skills are definitely better! But as for taking bins out etc, that’s whoever remembers first!! But I do know the women you mean OP....they’re just so ditsy and girlie! They drive me nuts!

TheSockMonster · 27/11/2020 12:37

I haven’t RTFT but I genuinely don’t know anyone in real life, male or female, like the OP describes.

I have friends in relationships with a more ‘traditional’ gender split, but both sides seems happy. If I had to generalise I’d say in the ‘traditional’ couples I know the men DO work harder but for shorter periods each day, then revert to a few hours a week of basic home, car and garden maintenance upon retirement. Their wives have less strenuous work and more time to sit and have coffee during the day, but are ‘on duty’ sun up to sun down, 7 days a week, past retirement until they die. I suspect if you added it all up and took an average, they’d be pretty similar.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/11/2020 13:37

People do get that their are women like that. But there are, in most people's experience, more men who don't take on the lions share of domestic chores and childcare - so it's odd that you're so very angry about the minority of women who behave that way. I think that's where people are pointing out it seems to be internalised misogyny influencing you feel this way.

Getting riled up about the minority of one sex doing something when a much larger proportions of the opposite sex do it is a reflection of you believing one group has less right to behave that way than the other,

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/11/2020 13:38

Typo: That there are. The shame!

Original poster
BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 27/11/2020 13:38

@Bubbletrouble43

You sound jealous if I'm honest
Jealous of women who have no respect for their partners or friends? I don't think so.
OP posts:
Bubbletrouble43 · 27/11/2020 14:15

Not sure how your partner washing your car for you as a favour = you having no respect for them, tbh.

NoPainNoTartine · 27/11/2020 15:58

Jealous of women who have no respect for their partners or friends? I don't think so.

you are the one who translates it as having no respect, god knows why.

You don't like a man paying for his wife's new boobs or jewellery. So women are not allowed to buy a car, an expensive watch for their husband either?

You are ridiculous. The way you judge other couples is entirely about you, nothing to do with them.

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 27/11/2020 16:31

Jealous of women who have no respect for their partners or friends? I don't think so.

If that's what you need to tell yourself go ahead.

However your anger is irrational and misdirected.

stampsurprise · 27/11/2020 17:36

I even once went for Sunday lunch and the poor guy was cooking and serving because she had forgotten to paint her nails until the last minute and they weren't fully dry yet! Where do these women find the guts to behave like this?

Her: "Oh my God I have been so busy cleaning the house and doing the laundry before our visitors came I haven't had time to do my nails maybe I'll just leave them" 💅💅💅💅💅

Him: "Don't worry love - why don't I do the cooking for a change and you sit there and have a break while you paint your nails - it's no big deal"😍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Guests: "Flipping heck what a lazy bitch who does she think she is?! what a diva!!! I cannot believe her husband puts up with all that!!! he must be really abused in that relationship!!!!! AngryEnvyEnvyEnvyAngryEnvy

Original poster
BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 27/11/2020 17:48

Whatever. You can see from the split in the votes that it's far from being just me thinking this. So if you think it's OK for a woman to play helpless, expect people to do stuff for her, and let them when they do, most of the time, I think you're the ones with the problem. Or you're like those women and that's why you think it's fine. I will continue to have a fair relationship with my partner because that's how I like it.

OP posts:
NoPainNoTartine · 27/11/2020 18:06

I will continue to have a fair relationship with my partner because that's how I like it.

or giving him a bloody headache by banging on about what a strong, independent and superior character you are Grin

Or maybe you have a very clever partner who is letting you more than anyone else but thinking it comes from you. The man might be a genius.

If you try to convince yourself that someone enjoying gym and lunches with friends whilst their cleaner take care of chores is the one with a problem, why are you so bitter and angry about it though?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/11/2020 18:09

@youvegottenminuteslynn

People do get that their are women like that. But there are, in most people's experience, more men who don't take on the lions share of domestic chores and childcare - so it's odd that you're so very angry about the minority of women who behave that way. I think that's where people are pointing out it seems to be internalised misogyny influencing you feel this way.

Getting riled up about the minority of one sex doing something when a much larger proportions of the opposite sex do it is a reflection of you believing one group has less right to behave that way than the other,

Sorry to quote myself OP but just to reiterate this is why people are challenging your thinking on this... not because they think all women should behave the same way as the women you describe in your first post.
nancybotwinbloom · 27/11/2020 18:23

I have a fair relationship with my partner but he does the diy as he's trained to know how to do this. I am not.

I do the washing, drying and putting it away. Because I WFH.

I do the bins. He does the ironing.

We share the cooking. We both like it.

If people want to play dumb and the other person lets them well 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I couldn't be with a lazy fucker though.

namochangoro · 27/11/2020 18:38

Conversely, I get annoyed with martyr types or cool girl types that wait on men hand and foot and attempt to put some feminist spin on doing everything by infantising said men and portraying themselves as having some sort superior capability. Yet they complain about it at the same time. Confused

LondonlovesLola · 27/11/2020 18:47

Conversely, I get annoyed with martyr types or cool girl types that wait on men hand and foot and attempt to put some feminist spin on doing everything by infantising said men and portraying themselves as having some sort superior capability. Yet they complain about it at the same time.

Yep.

grassisjeweled · 27/11/2020 18:50

SIL is one of these. Hasn't worked for the past 6 years, had somehow got my brother (her DH) running round like a madman as she's 'exhausted'.

To be fair, you have to give her her dues for an excellently executed role. I can't act that well at all.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 27/11/2020 18:55

I wish I was one of these women, but a nice version so that everyone enjoyed running around doing everything for me and buying me expensive stuff.

Bubbletrouble43 · 27/11/2020 18:56

Tbh I actually don't know of any women like the ones described in the op. I know of women who have their other halves fix their cars, do all the DIY etc but these women compensate in other ways... We all have things we cannot do well and appreciate help with, including men. I do however know of an awful lot of men who do the sum total of fuckall in the house using the excuse of work even if their wife/ partner also works.

OwlOne · 27/11/2020 19:01

@namochangoro

Conversely, I get annoyed with martyr types or cool girl types that wait on men hand and foot and attempt to put some feminist spin on doing everything by infantising said men and portraying themselves as having some sort superior capability. Yet they complain about it at the same time. Confused
oh you and me both, hear hear.

I have no visceral reaction to women who can articulate what they need and express that to those close to them.

But cool girls who love porn and open marriage and do 90% of the housework, give me fucking strength because it is very challenging to keep my face arranged nicely