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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get so mad at needy/manipulative women?

344 replies

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 26/11/2020 18:03

In my life to date I have come across so many needy/manipulative women - women who get people to run around after them. Who get people to take on responsibilities for them. Who look at them and think 'but they need my help - how could I say no?'

From women who can't even wash their own car (so their husband does it) or take it to the car wash, to women won't take the bins out on bin day because they are dirty, to women who drop very unsubtle hints about stuff they like sooooo much so their husbands save up and buy them for them (expensive bags or shoes for example), or they get their partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids from a previous relationship.

My sister is one of them. A colleague is the same. Someone in my circle of friends.

They drive me nuts. Why can't they be grown ups and do stuff for themselves? Sorry - I am probably being unreasonable but I heard today how one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.

And yes, I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way.

OP posts:
Chocaholic9 · 27/11/2020 08:43

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

I'm absolutely aware that people may share chores and you don't see the split. But there are women who absolutely do very little or bugger all and get others to do it for them. I'm talking people I know first hand. So I know the split isn't even.

I even once went for Sunday lunch and the poor guy was cooking and serving because she had forgotten to paint her nails until the last minute and they weren't fully dry yet! Where do these women find the guts to behave like this?

Oh what a poor man. Had to cook AND serve. How ever did he manage it?
SOboredofcleaning · 27/11/2020 08:44

Lol @MorrisZapp 😂😂😂

majesticallyawkward · 27/11/2020 08:51

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother I think I see where you're coming from. The ones that annoy me are the type that can't do anything without a man- I've heard women say they don't vote because it's a mans job, don't handle any money or bills because it's a mans job or don't drive because it's a mans job... and seen a fair few single (through divorce or death) who are then utterly helpless and it infuriates me that they've happily just been completely reliant and now have no basic skills.

To the PPs saying it's just ugly women who have an issue with this behaviour- this is the route of the problem! Why is only physical attractiveness worthy of attention?

stampsurprise · 27/11/2020 08:53

[quote AriesTheRam]@stampsurprise and I was also holding a wine glass[/quote]
Bliss 😍

Mrsworktoomuch · 27/11/2020 08:56

Hmm. If DH doesnt mind taking the bins out, washing the car (in fact do everything re car), doing the school runs and wants to buy me gifts... why not? I'm happy to have a lie in every morning.
It's the same if our roles were reversed.

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 27/11/2020 09:01

We go to the car wash

Friend of mines husband LOVES cleaning cars

Theyve 5 cars in the family and he washes all of them every weekend 😳

LITHIUMcomeasUare · 27/11/2020 09:01

Yes there are some pretty useless women out there. There are also some pretty useless men. Imagine if they get together.

Most of my friends are the strong independent type so thankfully don't come across them much but the odd one here and there. I find them quite irritating so avoid them like the plague.

YANBU

Doingitrightthistime · 27/11/2020 09:04

If there are any women out there that would like to share tips on how they get this then I'm all ears. Thanks in advance ;)

berrygirlie · 27/11/2020 10:01

Someone who can't take out bins or go in the loft because their might be spiders out there, or uses over half a tank of hot water (which they pay neither the water bill nor the electric) when they shower,

This bit's a preference so in my opinion, it's OK. If a bloke had a fear of spiders or liked long showers, I'd be saying the same thing. But either way, I don't know how people are having completely 50/50 relationships all the time without micromanaging like hell

BlindAssassin1 · 27/11/2020 10:05

I even once went for Sunday lunch and the poor guy was cooking and serving because she had forgotten to paint her nails until the last minute and they weren't fully dry yet!

Looks are deceiving though. DP cooked when his DM stayed with us. She thinks he's god's gift to women, such a modern man, that I'm such a lucky girl etc. But actually, not only did I prep everything for her stay that he sprung on me at the last second (cleaning bedroom, changing beds, all grocery shop) but I do 99% of everything all the time everyday. Mowing the lawn is part of his 1% - which only gets done in good weather anyway.

Similarly when we go to friends house the DH cooks, and we - female mate and me - sit and sip wine and do fuck all. In no way have I ever been convinced that his cooking this one meal is indicative of him being a good little house wife.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/11/2020 10:29

I even once went for Sunday lunch and the poor guy was cooking and serving because she had forgotten to paint her nails until the last minute and they weren't fully dry yet! Poor chap cooking. Hmm
How many women cook for the family all the time.

S00LA · 27/11/2020 10:31

I know a man who cooked AND served a meal once and his penis shrivelled up and fell off.

stampsurprise · 27/11/2020 11:11

@S00LA

I know a man who cooked AND served a meal once and his penis shrivelled up and fell off.
😂😂😂
OlympicProcrastinator · 27/11/2020 11:27

If there are any women out there that would like to share tips on how they get this then I'm all ears. Thanks in advance ;)

Like carpets doingitright Lay them right the first time and you can walk over them for years. 😉

borntohula · 27/11/2020 11:29

@OlympicProcrastinator

If there are any women out there that would like to share tips on how they get this then I'm all ears. Thanks in advance ;)

Like carpets doingitright Lay them right the first time and you can walk over them for years. 😉

Grin Love it
Original poster
BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 27/11/2020 11:35

I don't have an issue with men cooking - why should I? It was the fact that he was obviously out of his depth, stressed and anxious about the whole thing, and his wife seemed oblivious to it. I get the sharing chores thing - I do that. But some of you seem to want to ignore the fact that there are some women (and men I'm sure) who just don't pull their weight. My sister is one and I know she doesn't because she likes to tell me how she doesn't do very much at all at home. So it's not always because you don't know the details of a relationship. In this case at least I do. She's always been like that - she was 12 or 13 and came home with a Swatch watch. WHen I asked how she got that she said a friend gave it to her (it was hers - not a gift the friend had bought for my sister) because she liked it! That also happened with designer sunglasses - when she was around 16! She just gave the story of how much she loved something and there - people gave it to her. So some people are just like that. And yes while those who give them stuff choose to do so, I don't think that makes it right.

OP posts:
OlympicProcrastinator · 27/11/2020 11:42

The thing is, it has absolutely no bearing on your life and experiencing negative feelings about things that you can’t change and don’t concern you is a waste of your energy.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 27/11/2020 11:46

I’m furloughed so I’m watching Christmas films.

Dh is WFH averaging 50hrs per week. This month he’s earned more in overtime than I earn in a whole month. He’s in a meeting now and when he finishes the first thing he’ll do is make me a cup of coffee.

I don’t put the bins out. I’ve never hand washed a car in my life. And Shock he’s ‘taken on’ and raised my two now adult children.

If I can’t be arsed to cook dinner he’ll do it. He does 100% of the cooking when I’m at work. His penis hasn’t fallen off yet.

cologne4711 · 27/11/2020 11:47

Not RTFT but DH generally takes the bins out (though I do it sometimes). Washing the car is definitely his domain because I am lazy and don't care, I just make sure the windows and lights are clean.

As for the boob job - reducing them is one thing, but in my view augmentations should be banned unless it's a reconstruction. Surely the smaller the better for health reasons, and having implants can cause so many problems. I am not a fan of cosmetic surgery generally but having your boobs made larger just seems madness to me and no way would I pay for it or sanction any use of household finances for it.

nokidshere · 27/11/2020 11:47

All those people who help her simply have to say no, but they don't. That's hardly her fault.

I don't clean, take the bins out, do the garden, sort out the car and a million other things. DH likes doing it, who am I to take that away from him? When I have friends here he gets us drinks, provides snacks, makes sure we all have everything then goes and does his own thing before coming back to clear up later. It makes him happy. My 'job' is 'Other Stuff'. I more than pull my weight but you wouldn't know that if you weren't here all the time.

It's worked for nearly 40yrs and neither of us feel put upon.

Calmandmeasured1 · 27/11/2020 11:48

Getting mad about it isn't going to change things. You are only responsible for your own behaviour. I don't know why it matters so much to you that these women behave like that. You don't have to be friends with them if their behaviour grates on you but don't waste your energy feeling mad about it.

MorrisZapp · 27/11/2020 11:48

Stressed and out of his depth? Maybe because... he doesn't cook very often?

mushycarrots · 27/11/2020 11:51

Oh god; the bit about him doing the Sunday dinner has got me. My mil is like this if my husband has to lift a finger.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2020 11:55

This seems really mysogynistic

When a woman does all the catering for a dinner party no one bats an eyelid. I couldn’t get worked up about how others live. I really couldn’t.

It’s just so judgey. Plenty of men don’t lift a finger. Why focus on women. And I also know no woman like this.

NoPainNoTartine · 27/11/2020 12:00

But some of you seem to want to ignore the fact that there are some women (and men I'm sure) who just don't pull their weight.

so the fucking what!?!?

What is it to you? I get the jealousy and rage you are missing out, but too bad. It doesn't make others wrong because they have something you don't.