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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get so mad at needy/manipulative women?

344 replies

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 26/11/2020 18:03

In my life to date I have come across so many needy/manipulative women - women who get people to run around after them. Who get people to take on responsibilities for them. Who look at them and think 'but they need my help - how could I say no?'

From women who can't even wash their own car (so their husband does it) or take it to the car wash, to women won't take the bins out on bin day because they are dirty, to women who drop very unsubtle hints about stuff they like sooooo much so their husbands save up and buy them for them (expensive bags or shoes for example), or they get their partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids from a previous relationship.

My sister is one of them. A colleague is the same. Someone in my circle of friends.

They drive me nuts. Why can't they be grown ups and do stuff for themselves? Sorry - I am probably being unreasonable but I heard today how one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.

And yes, I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way.

OP posts:
sparklepink · 26/11/2020 21:29

TBH my ex is like this (man) and doesn't do any of the other traditional "man" stuff either.

berrygirlie · 26/11/2020 21:30

I find those who sit on their high horses criticising others for perceived faults to be much less appealing than people who say "no thanks, bins are a bit manky", for example. Also there's every capacity that your friend, OP, is disabled or going through a rough patch that she was clearly right not to tell you about if that's the case.

I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way.

What about women who go through pregnancy, childbirth and become primary carers for their children? If they take time off work or become SAHMs are they being "unfair" to their husbands?

(though full disclosure for this entire post, I've been a vapid, simpering shell of a woman since birth it seems Wink)

Bambam2019 · 26/11/2020 21:31

Well, thankfully you’re not in those sort of relationships so maybe don’t worry about it so much. I don’t think I’ve ever been that concerned about how other people live their life to get annoyed about it. Also what’s wrong with not wanting to put the bin out of the partner is happy to do it? Does everything HAVE to be equal?

Royalbloo · 26/11/2020 21:31

Oh wow - you can't even fill a car up with petrol?!!!! I'm stunned...

OwlOne · 26/11/2020 21:32

DO you have difficulty asking for your own needs to be met?

Bubbletrouble43 · 26/11/2020 21:34

You sound jealous if I'm honest

OwlOne · 26/11/2020 21:35

@VestaTilley

Your post smacks of internalized misogyny.
I agree. While I'm independent myself, what other people ask of their partner and friends is their business really.

This OP is interesting though, It's a real example of what what's that saying!? something about what pisses you off will set you free if you look at it.

OwlOne · 26/11/2020 21:38

Ah, it's just the truth. The truth will set you free, but first it will set you free.

If @BarryWhiteIsMyBrother hasn't long gone, I'd suspect that this view of needy women and your reaction to other women's having needs is an ego defence mechanism.

Something along the lines of your ego won't allow you to think that you're unsuccessful getting your needs met, so all other women who communicate to loved ones what their needs are, they're ''needy'' rather than letting their partners know what they need.

There could be something to dig up in there OP.

OwlOne · 26/11/2020 21:39

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off

I seemed to have great difficulty remembering and then typing that simple sentence.

Coyoacan · 26/11/2020 21:46

I say, nice work if you can get it. Honestly OP why don't you take some tips out of their book?

Zerrin13 · 26/11/2020 21:53

It makes such a refreshing change to hear of women not being treated as domestic slaves by their husbands.

LindaEllen · 26/11/2020 21:54

Some women like to be looked after, and some men like to fill that role.
That's not to say women can't look after themselves.
It's like, my DP usually puts the bins out, but it doesn't mean I can't do it.
If I were you, I'd just keep an eye on your relationship and leave your nose out of everyone else's.

LadyLightning · 26/11/2020 22:20

Cant stand people who are so needy and manipulative. But there are obviously a lot of people out there ready to partner up with them.....

feistymumma · 26/11/2020 22:22

@Meepmeeep

My husband earns a shit load more money than I do. In an industry that requires him to work away from home - a lot. As he earns more than I do, he buys me things like designer bags. I’ve taken my car to the car wash on the odd occasion I’ve noticed it being filthy. I’ve never washed it - I don’t really care for a gleaming car like he does, so yes, he washes my car too. When he’s away, of course I take the bins out. When he’s home, he’s always on the ball with that. I couldn’t give of a flying fuck if you think this makes me needy or manipulative.
100%, I am so confused as to why what the OP has written bothers her so much. I will happily let my OH do everything if he wants, not because I'm needy but because he wants to and he likes to see me relaxing and I can happily do all the chores too. It's not a big deal. He usually cooks all our meals on Sunday and freezes them while I (shock horror) catch up on Netflix. He is partial to getting me designer bags too. OP, I envy you, you must really have a plush life to get yourself worked over this.
TheRubyRedshoes · 26/11/2020 22:25

Op there are many particular physical things I can't due to muscular issues and it will make me very ill. So dh does them and I do shed loads of other stuff.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 26/11/2020 22:26

I find it hard to believe the "women are so useless" narrative when we live in a world where a man washing the dishes is considered a "keeper" and fathers are constantly described as "babysitting life their own children.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 26/11/2020 22:27

*"babysitting" their own children (no idea why a start 'life' got in there)

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 26/11/2020 22:27

@arethereanyleftatall

I actually think it's about bloody time that I go to a party and sit round the fire with my female friends drinking beer whilst the men run around prepping the salads and clearing up. I'll possibly return my own plate to somewhere near the dishwasher so I've helped before retiring to the lounge for a whisky.
Yes!
feistymumma · 26/11/2020 22:41

@Lorw

I reckon there’s a lot more men who get a free ride in this life than women I can tell you that now. So many downtrodden women expected to keep a full time career, do the majority of child care and do all the domestic chores/running the household while the bloke does very little parenting and doesn’t lift a finger.

I’ve never met a man who could even change his own bedsheets 🙄

That was my so my ex. Useless
CannibalQueen · 26/11/2020 22:50

Drives me nuts too BUT on the one occasion I basically fell apart when my washing machine leak brought the roof of the old lady who lived below me down, everyone was so supportive and amazing that I wished I'd been that way all my life! My (female) boss rushed to my house to calm me down and led me with booze ; my boyfriend fished to me to do the phoning insurance etc while I was taken out for lunch by my boss.

MiniMum97 · 26/11/2020 22:51

I don't think it's any if your business what goes in in other peoples relationships. However well you know them you don't actually know anyway. And don't be so bloody judgemental. That's a way worse character flaw than the things you've described. Get back in your box.

CannibalQueen · 26/11/2020 22:52

My boyfriend rushed, not fished, and basically everything was done for me so I could see why women do it so readily.

cyclingmad · 26/11/2020 22:58

Oh I had one of those in my workplace, men fawming over her to help her out. She would totally play it up how she needed help and oh I just don't understand how to do x,y,z someone please help me and they would fall over themselves to help her.

But I knew her fairly well and knew she was more than competent to do those things, she even did them when she ended up being the lead on some work so it wasn't cos she didn't know. She loved the attention.

Had this wide eyed I'm so innocent and naive act and even admitted to me and another friend once at drinks.

To be honest I just thought so much less of her, so hard to respect people who do that deliberately. Yeah we are definately no longer friends.

Buddytheelf85 · 26/11/2020 23:10

I even once went for Sunday lunch and the poor guy was cooking and serving because she had forgotten to paint her nails until the last minute and they weren't fully dry yet! Where do these women find the guts to behave like this?

My FIL always, at every meal, plonks himself down at the table while my MIL rushes around cooking and serving, and then clearing up afterwards. Has done at every meal for 40 years. He doesn’t even pass her his plate when she’s clearing up, she has to come and pick it up from under his nose.

Just out of interest, does this story give you the same visceral reaction of anger? And if not, why do you think that is?

Clue - the thought of women getting away without doing unpaid work like the lowly slaves they are makes you angry. Internalised misogyny - or just regular misogyny, Barry.

Incidentally, I believe that UN Women estimates that for every one hour of unpaid work done by men, women do three - and that was before the pandemic. It’s higher now. I applaud any women who’s attained a household dynamic where she does less.

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 26/11/2020 23:16

@cyclingmad

Oh I had one of those in my workplace, men fawming over her to help her out. She would totally play it up how she needed help and oh I just don't understand how to do x,y,z someone please help me and they would fall over themselves to help her.

But I knew her fairly well and knew she was more than competent to do those things, she even did them when she ended up being the lead on some work so it wasn't cos she didn't know. She loved the attention.

Had this wide eyed I'm so innocent and naive act and even admitted to me and another friend once at drinks.

To be honest I just thought so much less of her, so hard to respect people who do that deliberately. Yeah we are definately no longer friends.

If it works , it works.

I actually kinda admire that type of behaviour (especially when they are very competent and efficient themselves) even if I can't relate to it at all.