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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? Teachers advise 🙏 please

586 replies

Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 17:20

My 16 yr old dd has just called me in tears.
Currently in 6th form and has been having issues with a male teacher, quite young tries to be funny but often misses the mark.
Several time he’s made wtf comments etc
Today he announced loudly that ‘ Claire wears short skirts to attract the boys” and when no one responded as they were quite shocked he said it again louder.
Dd was so upset she left the room for the toilet and her friend brought her the bag as class was ending.
Dd feels shamed. Fwiw dd dresses totally appropriately. (Dds name is not really Claire)

Dd said she’s complained to another teacher at school about it. Apparently the teacher in question was very anxious when dd didn’t return to class and probably realised he’s overstepped and was asking the girls to txt dd.
What would you do? Leave it for dd to manage the follow up or step up and intervene.

OP posts:
Diva66 · 10/12/2020 15:42

Perhaps he won’t say anything to your daughter but I don’t believe he’ll never say anything like it again.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 10/12/2020 15:44

I agree Diva, that’s why we’re following up, to create a trail.

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 10/12/2020 15:50

You are such an amazing mother

jellybe · 10/12/2020 16:45

You and your DD are amazing!

Maireas · 10/12/2020 16:55

@Wheresmykimchi - I agree. Very strange.
I'm glad the op is following it up, and not leaving it with that odd apology - exchange.

Wheresmykimchi · 10/12/2020 16:55

[quote Whatwouldyoydo]@Wheresmykimchi

It is quite weird I agree.
I did write this really happened because I assumed that people would think I’m just making stuff up at this point.

Dh thinks the teachers more frustrated than upset iyswim because dd put him in a corner and that it’s very telling that she had to do that to get him to acknowledge the problem was what he said NOT how she felt.

Dd is quite strong, she’s attended lots of feminist conferences with me (Filia, last year was a particular favourite of hers), and is quite unusual for a 16yr old.

I imagine he has done this before. I also imagine he never received the response he got this time.

I WILL still be following up and making complaints to all the relevant places proposed on this thread.

Dh and I have already written to the head and the board of governors about the poor safeguarding procedures in place.[/quote]
Please include in that latest interaction.

Wheresmykimchi · 10/12/2020 16:57

[quote Maireas]@Wheresmykimchi - I agree. Very strange.
I'm glad the op is following it up, and not leaving it with that odd apology - exchange.[/quote]
If OP didn't come across as well as she does I'd honestly think we've been has

Maireas · 10/12/2020 16:58

Yes. Please report that conversation with the apology.

Maireas · 10/12/2020 16:59

I've never heard of anything like it!

MerchantOfVenom · 10/12/2020 17:00

Agree that there is something very uncomfortable with that interaction, not least the mute witness to it all. Thank goodness they were there, and can presumably verify it.

The handling of this leaves so much to be desired.

Maireas · 10/12/2020 17:06

The circumstances of that apology are terrible. How can the teacher - and the witness - think that was ok? It's just getting bizarre now. It's like the school have never done any safeguarding cpds.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 10/12/2020 17:13

I agree with what everyone has said.

I do have some experience in schools. I taught early years for 5 years when we lived abroad. I don’t have a PGCE, but it was a private school.... I’m digressing because I suppose I just want to say I do have some knowledge.
But I’ve never been anywhere near a 16+ environment- this is why I posted for teachers advice.
This whole situation from start to finish is just outside of anything I’ve ever encountered.

Dd said the witness teacher had a mask on so she couldn’t see her expression.
Which again just adds to the bizarreness of the whole situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 10/12/2020 17:16

Part of me thinks that perhaps everyone involved just doesn’t want to deal with it and wants it to go away so they’re allowing it to proceed to farcical levels in the hope that it just dies a death.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 10/12/2020 17:20

If I witnessed a pupil speaking with anywhere near that level of emotion to a teacher, particularly of opposite sex , I'd be down at safeguarding in the instant.

Maireas · 10/12/2020 17:31

@Wheresmykimchi - me too. Very, very inappropriate conversation. It needs to be recorded with everything else.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 10/12/2020 17:32

Dd has no level of emotion in regards to the teacher. Dd has a very good moral compass and she is more upset by his poor behaviour, quite frankly she expects better and she’s right to.
There is no relationship between Dd and her teacher that is inappropriate.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 10/12/2020 17:34

@Whatwouldyoydo

Dd has no level of emotion in regards to the teacher. Dd has a very good moral compass and she is more upset by his poor behaviour, quite frankly she expects better and she’s right to. There is no relationship between Dd and her teacher that is inappropriate.
@Whatwouldyoydo, you misunderstand me.

DD has every right to feel the way she does. I'm not saying there's an inappropriate relationship in that sense of the word , but in some ways there is.

DD used words like hurting. She challenged the teacher and said I want you to do and say this The teacher showed physical emotion. She came up with what the conclusion of this would be.

None of the above is in any way normal.

Danascully2 · 10/12/2020 17:34

This is really weird behaviour. I work with teenagers and young adults and am always so so careful not to even mention anything appearance related for any student (only exception is for health and safety requests to tie up hair for example). I never comment, even positively, if a student turns up with different colour hair/unusual clothes etc etc etc because it's not in any way relevant to my teaching and I know how fragile people (of any age!) can be, it is easy to accidentally hit a nerve.

MerchantOfVenom · 10/12/2020 17:36

As I say, the handling of this leaves so much to be desired.

Especially as it appears to have been ‘handled’ by a 16YO, who for obvious reasons, is not in the least bit equipped to deal with it.

And now, as a result, we have crying students and teachers facing off in classrooms. Meaning it now has to be escalated even further. For no doubt, further mishandling.

lyralalala · 10/12/2020 17:44

That interaction between your DD and the teacher is, to be frank ridiculous and should never have happened. It's simply not an acceptable exchange between teacher and pupil.

The handling of this situation is appalling and that latest encounter, whilst impressive on the part of your DD, shouldn't be celebrated because it simply should never have happened.

Mrsbrownsgargoyle · 10/12/2020 17:47

^^. Jesus Christ. This school has failed your daughter. In every way.

Maireas · 10/12/2020 17:48

@MerchantOfVenom and @lyralalala
I couldn't agree more. I was astonished by the exchange. It's certainly not anything to celebrate (not blaming the girl).

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 10/12/2020 17:53

Ok - I’ll update as anything else happens. Thank you everyone for all your invaluable support and advice.

We are pursuing everything, but I think I need a break from this thread for now.

Thank you everyone if you Flowers

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 10/12/2020 17:55

@Whatwouldyoydo

Ok - I’ll update as anything else happens. Thank you everyone for all your invaluable support and advice.

We are pursuing everything, but I think I need a break from this thread for now.

Thank you everyone if you Flowers

Please don't think we are getting at you OP. I think you're both amazing. It's the shit show of the school I'm gobsmacked by.
Maireas · 10/12/2020 17:56

Please report the conversation. There should not be emotional exchanges about "hurt".
He broke professional standards and safeguarding. It's quite different.