URGENT - school gate crisis, ive got an hour!

[SlipperTripper]

This is complicated, I'll try to be brief.

DSD15 is a shit at school, and has been locked in an ongoing fight with a similar twat of a child for months.

Both girls were excluded for a fortnight following a physical fight three weeks ago, and have been back a week.

Other girl has been very vocal towards DSD (who is no angel, I 100% believe she's been giving back as good as she gets) but no more physical incidents.

Today I have been asked to pick her up 10mins early as the other girl has assembled some adult male relatives to meet DSD outside school, and beat her up. Cousins, I believe.

According to DSD, these people actually turned up in the school reception earlier.

Whilst I am disgusted with DSDs behaviour, and that of the other girl on an ongoing basis, I feel that this has crossed a line into something totally different. Moving from a school spat to a planned, well, attack.

What the hell should my next move be?!?

Do I turn up at school prepared to collect and whizz home ignoring the potential issue, do I notify the police, or do I approach them myself and say 'for Christ's sake, what ARE you doing?'

The pissed off side of me wants to just March up and say wtf is wrong with you all, but my sensible head says if they're prepared to walk into a school to smack a child, I'm likely to end up with a thump?!?

Honestly, I have never known of anything so bloody ridiculous in all my life, and must stress how absolutely disgusted I am at everyone involved. But right now, I have an hour to work out how to manage this! HELP!

(I am at the end of my tether with this, it been a long line of issues this year, and I just want some fucking respite. But that's another thread)

Sorry you are going through all this. The seizure may not be epileptic. It might be what is termed (!) a non-epileptic seizure. The way you can test for it is for her to have an EEG. Not sure how easy they are to get at the moment. My Dd has both types but you can have either/or.
Some information:
epilepsysociety.org.uk/non-epileptic-seizures

@Sirzy

I have only read your posts so sorry if it’s already been covered but would changing her school be an option? Move away from the trouble and hopefully get a fresh start?

That happened to a schoolfriend of mine back when we were at school - she was being bullied at her old school, so her parents moved her to the one I went to. Then the bully's parents her moved her as well, to the same school

I understand the drama element. It's just relentless stress.

And for those castigating OP for calling here DSD a "sh*t" - when we are at the end of our tether sometimes we vent - we swear, punch a cushion, scream aloud - but we don't do it in front of the child. In fact, venting like this STOPS us doing it in front of the child - it is a release button like the thingy on a pressure cooker!

OP has had years of this, and has poured a huge amount of physical and emotional energy into this child. She is at a particularly low ebb (in every respect) at the moment, with losing her child; she's exhausted, worried, and deeply upset because there looks to be no end to the whole carry on, and outside forces (the situation with her DH's ex, the pandemic) are also apparently unrelenting.

Just wind your necks in a little - she's doing her best in a situation that would have any of us pushed to our limits.

Nothing useful to add, I just want to give you a massive hug.

I am so so sorry for your loss Slipper

You are amazing being there for your DSD's even in these circumstances.

OP, I've nothing to add other than a hug coz it sounds like you need one. You are doing your best.

That happened to a schoolfriend of mine back when we were at school - she was being bullied at her old school, so her parents moved her to the one I went to. Then the bully's parents her moved her as well, to the same school

There was a thread on here about something similar, angel - I think the bully didn't just change schools, but joined the dancing class and a couple of other activities that her victim enjoyed. It was apparent that the bully's mother was equally nasty, and they were determined to make a child's life a misery, even if they had to out themselves out to do it.

I suspect this sort of hounding is more common than we realise. Bullies like their victims to know they they can run, but there is no place to hide.

Surely you should speak to the school first, they should take measures to deal with this awful type of situation.

sorry to read about how difficult everything is for, especially on top of losing a beloved baby. Yo really need to take some time for yourself.

I hope somehow things work out.

Urgent is a word overused, but for once, not in this case.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

And for those castigating OP for calling here DSD a "sh*t" - when we are at the end of our tether sometimes we vent - we swear, punch a cushion, scream aloud - but we don't do it in front of the child. In fact, venting like this STOPS us doing it in front of the child - it is a release button like the thingy on a pressure cooker!

OP has had years of this, and has poured a huge amount of physical and emotional energy into this child. She is at a particularly low ebb (in every respect) at the moment, with losing her child; she's exhausted, worried, and deeply upset because there looks to be no end to the whole carry on, and outside forces (the situation with her DH's ex, the pandemic) are also apparently unrelenting.

Just wind your necks in a little - she's doing her best in a situation that would have any of us pushed to our limits.

OP I have nothing constructive to say but I am sorry for what you're all going through and I just want to give you a hug!

Sorry @SchadenfreudePersonified I didn't mean to quote you, not even sure how I managed it considering it's a 2 step process 🤦‍♀️

@SchadenfreudePersonified

That happened to a schoolfriend of mine back when we were at school - she was being bullied at her old school, so her parents moved her to the one I went to. Then the bully's parents her moved her as well, to the same school

There was a thread on here about something similar, angel - I think the bully didn't just change schools, but joined the dancing class and a couple of other activities that her victim enjoyed. It was apparent that the bully's mother was equally nasty, and they were determined to make a child's life a misery, even if they had to out themselves out to do it.

I suspect this sort of hounding is more common than we realise. Bullies like their victims to know they they can run, but there is no place to hide.

I think it's very common for bullies to just be relentless. Especially when their parent

A friend of DD's was bullied at school when her Dad and his friend fell out (the friend's DD was the school bully) and when she moved schools the bully joined every out of school group she was at. Encouraged by her father, who knew that his daughter had been horrendous and found it hilarious.

The family moved in the end and the bully and her Dad used to go for a drive around their new village until the police got involved.

I think the school should have already called the police.

So sorry for your loss.
You're doing amazingly Slipper Tripper, what a fantastic stepmum and those girls are lucky to have you.

@SlipperTripper

Sorry for the hysteria, I usually deal with it pretty well, but it's got a bit much today!

We've had a few events collide recently - we lost our daughter at 21 weeks in September, are going through a truly foul police investigation with DSDs mum with all the obvious ongoing ramifications, and younger DSD had a seizure last night, first one, and was doc suggested epilepsy likely to be the cause - caused by heightened emotional stress.

All in all, it's been a rollercoaster, so teenage mutiny today is far from helpful - despite being entirely expected.

I genuinely do do all I can to get the girls through it. None of this is their fault, but it's a real struggle to help someone who won't help themselves, especially when you're going through the mill too and having to put it all aside to keep tackling new battles.

Dear god. You are doing an amazing job and coping incredibly well, especially considering the shit hand you've been dealt. Kudos to you. Your DH and SDs are lucky to have you. Hang in there.

Hugs @SlipperTripper.

You are doing your very best & although it’s a shitshow now, you are making a huge difference to your DSDs’s lives. From what you say, DSD is a ball of hormones, hurt, & rage. At some point, DSD will engage & hopefully the outcomes will be favourable.

Now is the time to put yourself first.
I am sad to hear that you have lost your daughter.
With everyone else’s drama, it must be hard to have the peace & quiet for your own needs & feelings.

Be the kindest person to yourself.
Other people will follow their own paths, & you have already done so much to lay the trail for them.

You have been through n awful time but so has your SD. It doesn't sound like an of the adults in her life like her. Even when the school praise her she still gets grief at home about it.
Have you or her dad actually had a rational conversation with her about why the issues are arising? Also you should be concerned about her safety not just blaming her. She must have been scared if this girl said she was going to get her beaten up. Sounds like at that stage she needed comfort and support not being told it's your own fault.

Give her and yourself a hug!

Tell her she is loved and, whilst annoyed with the situation, you are trying to make things better for her. Ask her again if there is anyone she will feel comfortable talking to, as she cannot go on carrying all of that ion her shoulders!

I think you and her dad need to think about how you express yourselves over this... bringing it to your door etc. She will be taking it all very much to heart. You need to undo that before she will trust either of you with her feelings.

Best of luck with it all!

off-topic but younger DSD had a seizure last night, first one, and was doc suggested epilepsy likely to be the cause - caused by heightened emotional stress

sounds like the doctor was suggesting "non-epileptic seizures", which my child has had. It would be worth reading up on the subject at some point, but be sure to look specifically at adolescent cases. In adults such seizures are often the result of a deeply repressed trauma and can be very hard to resolve. In older children and adolescents they are often a reaction to fairly common problems and may be straightforward to address.

In my teen's case, the seizures escalated quickly because we didn't know what they were. We thought they were related to an underlying medical condition she had, and so everyone was very concerned. This made her even more anxious and resulted in more seizures, and so on. She does actually have epilepsy (but these seizures weren't it), so she spent a few days in hospital for assessment. As soon as we assured her that she wasn't ill, they stopped pretty much overnight.

Where is her father in all of this?

@Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese

Sorry *@SchadenfreudePersonified* I didn't mean to quote you, not even sure how I managed it considering it's a 2 step process 🤦‍♀️

Worry not!

I feel world famous now, even if by accident!

I think we're both on the same side, anyway - we both can see that the OP needs a bit of cosseting.

A friend of DD's was bullied at school when her Dad and his friend fell out (the friend's DD was the school bully) and when she moved schools the bully joined every out of school group she was at. Encouraged by her father, who knew that his daughter had been horrendous and found it hilarious.

The family moved in the end and the bully and her Dad used to go for a drive around their new village until the police got involved.

That is bliddy awful, Lyra - kids who do this sort of thing are awful. Adults who encourage it need locking up! Absolutely dreadful behaviour.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss OP

It is clear you are doing everything you possibly can and I really hope things get much better soon.

As another PP has said please make sure you have the help and support you need too.