Is this everyday sexism or am I being ludicrous?!

[harriethoyle]

Getting married (covid allowing) soon - very small ceremony. We have to apply for our marriage schedule and, on it, my DF is ie Tom Smith and I am Tina Jones formerly known as Jones. We are both divorced. I did not change my name first time around so have only ever been Jones my whole life.

This has really irrationally annoyed me! The assumption is because I was married before and am female, I changed my name but that assumption isn't applied to him. I rang the registrar and pointed this out. She said "It's because you're divorced." I said "we are both divorced. Why is he Tom Smith and I am Tina Jones formerly known as Jones when I have only EVER been Jones." She said "Well that's just the way the system works." I said "It's inappropriate to assume that I changed my name and it's incorrect to imply that I have." And she was completely perplexed by what the issue was.

When I told her that I wanted an email address so I could register my pleasure (I suspect she thinks me a Karen), she went off and checked with the senior registrar and then said that she COULD change it, despite having said it was the way the system worked. So now we are Tom Smith and Tina Jones. Which is correct!

Let's be honest, it's the tiniest blow ever struck against the patriachy but was I right to challenge what I saw as everyday sexism?

YABU - what a thing to expend energy on

YANBU - smash the patriachy one tiny blow at a time!

Yanbu.

It's not unreasonable to assume that a woman has changed her name on marriage as it's still most common in the UK, but is is unreasonable to insist on it.

By such small steps are things changed! Well done. And you're not a Karen. There is no such thing as a Karen except in the minds of misogynists. Though I do know a real Karen and she's married to a real Kevin.

I know men do - my DH double barrelled his, however the majority of women DO change their name. You can be offended by this, or you can simply get the record changed without making a big deal about it. Why are people always looking for an issue when there isn't one.

The term Karen is used in a derogatory manner to criticise women who have the audacity to complain and/or stand up for themselves.

That you'd use the term, in a post about making a complaint about overlooked sexism, does rather undermine your argument.

YANBU

YABU to use Karen as a slur, it’s such a nasty sexist dig!!

Neron YABU. Women do change their surnames upon marriage, men do not. Of course they will not assume that about a man.

Men have been changing their names on marriage for centuries. It has always been traditional for men marrying into wealthy or aristocratic circles to change their surnames to their wife's family name if she is higher up the heirachy. For instance, Prince Philip, when he married the Queen.

And some men do choose to change to their wife's name. Not lots but some. Particularly if its a poor surname to a better one.

Do you actually live in a misogynistic little cupboard under the stairs? Why on earth shouldn't women complain about this? Barely any of my friends have changed their surnames on getting married.

@Neron

YABU. Women do change their surnames upon marriage, men do not. Of course they will not assume that about a man.
Go ahead and complain if it will make you feel better.

Please don't speak for me, I most certainly did not change my name when I married my DH, I kept my family name.

@Neron

You can be offended by this, or you can simply get the record changed without making a big deal about it. Why are people always looking for an issue when there isn't one.

I bet if you were around when the Suffragettes were protesting, you would have told them to calm down, have a nice cup tea and stop looking for an issue.

The only woman I know that changed her name on marriage - neither or them liked their surnames, so both changed their names to a new random surname they both liked.

Complain, set up a No 10. petition, and let us have a link to the petition here - I'll sign.

Yep YABU using ‘Karen’ in that way. Especially whilst you’re complaining about everyday sexism!

Yabu to complain about perceived everyday sexism then use the term 'Karen'.

This. 100% this.

Good for you. This kind of thing really pisses me off.

@altforvarmt

The term Karen is used in a derogatory manner to criticise women who have the audacity to complain and/or stand up for themselves.

That you'd use the term, in a post about making a complaint about overlooked sexism, does rather undermine your argument.

I disagree.

"I suspect a person defending an inherently sexist system sees me as a ,."

In my opinion it reinforces her argument.

Hate the karen word 😀

But sticking just to your OP you are not being unreasonable...at all

YANBU.

It is everyday sexism.

I have more of an issue with your use of “Karen” than I do with the form. It’s not unusual for women to change their names, it is for men. So I don’t find that inherently sexist. I didn’t change mine, personally - I don’t even remember being asked this at my second marriage so definitely a non event.

I did challenge with the registrar the fact that my marriage certificate would show my father’s occupation but not my mother’s. She agreed - apparently it’s been raised but there is no sense of urgency to change it, and requires legislation to do so. My compromise was to put no occupation for my father.

Eh? I changed my name by deed poll. Then got married. When we applied for our marriage license. This wasn’t even brought up. I wasn’t married before. But I did have a different name.

I’ve never had formerly known as. Because I’ve never been divorced.

I wonder if they looked It up. In the divorce courts etc.

I wouldn't see at as sexism, just bureaucracy/systems being slow to adapt to changing cultural norms.

But that is sexism. Cultural norms reinforce the patriarchal approach, they are one and the same in some situations, such as this.

What was included on the form changed according to gender, when there was no practical reason for it.

This is everyday sexism OP, and yes we have to raise every little thing, as they all add up to gender inequality.

YANBU in your point and I commend you for complaining and getting your point across which resulted in the change.

However, the 'Karen' comment was unnecessary.

British marriage is one big sexist procedure. A woman is asked her father's profession, but not her mother's! Both my parents are engineers and my mother always worked, - why is she only implied as a womb while the father is defined through his contribution to society? And I am defined through his contribution?

I mean the whole inability to have a registered partnership for heterosexual partners is a travesty

I didn't change my name on marriage, but most women do. Most men don't. The form reflects this. I couldn't get that worked up about it, to be honest.

The woman from the registry office probably has a lot to do, checking whether divorced women have changed their names would not be an efficient use of time.

It's different in Scotland - the marriage schedule asks for the information about both parents (mum's name and occupation as well as dad's). You also get to choose which of you is designated the "bride" or the "bridegroom" or neither!

The schedule is just the form that has the information about the forthcoming wedding participants.

YANBU and well done, thank you. I found getting married a really difficult thing as a feminist, with sooooooo many assumptions that just didn't reflect me or my life. Anything that makes that easier is great.

Men do change names - they often become double barrelled and in one case I am aware of they made up a whole new name and adopted that for him and her (there was good reason for this but it did come across as a bit precocious)

If it assists, had I been a man I would have said she perceived me as a Kevin

Yeah, you wouldn't have done though, would you? Because calling someone a 'Kevin' isn't a thing.