Is this everyday sexism or am I being ludicrous?!

[harriethoyle]

Getting married (covid allowing) soon - very small ceremony. We have to apply for our marriage schedule and, on it, my DF is ie Tom Smith and I am Tina Jones formerly known as Jones. We are both divorced. I did not change my name first time around so have only ever been Jones my whole life.

This has really irrationally annoyed me! The assumption is because I was married before and am female, I changed my name but that assumption isn't applied to him. I rang the registrar and pointed this out. She said "It's because you're divorced." I said "we are both divorced. Why is he Tom Smith and I am Tina Jones formerly known as Jones when I have only EVER been Jones." She said "Well that's just the way the system works." I said "It's inappropriate to assume that I changed my name and it's incorrect to imply that I have." And she was completely perplexed by what the issue was.

When I told her that I wanted an email address so I could register my pleasure (I suspect she thinks me a Karen), she went off and checked with the senior registrar and then said that she COULD change it, despite having said it was the way the system worked. So now we are Tom Smith and Tina Jones. Which is correct!

Let's be honest, it's the tiniest blow ever struck against the patriachy but was I right to challenge what I saw as everyday sexism?

YABU - what a thing to expend energy on

YANBU - smash the patriachy one tiny blow at a time!

[quote Meraas]@2Olives1Onion that's a long post, but you're entire premise is flawed as 'Karen' having originated on Reddit has been debunked.[/quote]
A black American woman writes a detailed post, explaining the use of names as a descriptive term in her own community and someone who is not black comes along and dismisses her experience with one sentence.

You weren't unreasonable in wanting to correct the registry system assumption.I know 2 men who changed rewire names on marriage because they hated their birth surnames - think Onions, Smallbotham. After all, it's only recently that mothers got a look in on the child's marriage certificate. I resented the fact I couldn't acknowledge her in the is way, especially since I had to give details of my completely absent father!
You are unreasonable for perpetuating the Karen insult (assuming Kevin was a typo/), even if you meant it in a self-deprecating way ( btw that almost makes it worse).
PS If not a typo, who's Kevin?

So if you've lost the plot, why are you surprised I'm confused?

I mean I've no idea what you are confused about?

A black American woman writes a detailed post, explaining the use of names as a descriptive term in her own community and someone who is not black comes along and dismisses her experience with one sentence.

This.
That did make me think of Men telling feminists how they should think.

@SusannaSpider

Meraas

Interesting article (including the fact that US Karens seem to be older than UK Karens, which I hadn't realised and explains the boomer comment upthread). But the article confirms 2olives1onion's Reddit comment. Yes, there is lots of previous history about white women exploiting black women, but the name 'Karen' wasn't historically used. Unless I have skin read and missed something.

It saya that Reddit has a meme on it but not that it’s the origin so it doesn’t confirm 2olives view.

A black American woman writes a detailed post, explaining the use of names as a descriptive term in her own community and someone who is not black comes along and dismisses her experience with one sentence.

Nope, that poster called Vlad a racist, who is mixed race, thereby dismissing her experience with one word.

YANBU

The first step to changing the world starts with CHANGING THE FORM.

The first step to changing the world starts with CHANGING THE FORM.

Disagree. The form is fit for purposes in most cases. The only issue I see here is that the woman on the phone couldn’t be bothered to look past the standard template (and I’ll assume it’s because she has never needed to).

It saya that Reddit has a meme on it but not that it’s the origin so it doesn’t confirm 2olives view.

Most sources do confirm that the 2017 reddit use was the trigger and the NY Times doesn't dispute this.
But I'm leaving this now, as it's just getting daft. I'm not happy with my name being used as a slur. You are happy to justify it, if black women are the ones doing it. That's fine, I'll move on.

@SusannaSpider

You said

Haven't assumed anything, although I have used 'you' as in you are saying why should white women have that courtesy.

I said

Why would you say 'you' when I repeatedly said that I don't use the term Karen and that it's the use of Karen by black women that I'm not offended by? You assumed I was black

You said:

Because I am talking about what you have posted

——————-

I don’t get by what you mean by ‘Because I am talking about what you have posted’.

Most sources do confirm that the 2017 reddit use was the trigger and the NY Times doesn't dispute this.
But I'm leaving this now, as it's just getting daft. I'm not happy with my name being used as a slur. You are happy to justify it, if black women are the ones doing it. That's fine, I'll move on.

Ok, the mysterious sources again.

That's fine, I'll move on.

I’m happy to agree to disagree.

YAB a bit U. Registration (births and deaths as well as marriages) is about making a permanent record of everybody. They need extra information to distinguish you from other Tina Joneses. And while it's going down a bit, it is still far more likely that a woman will change her surname on marriage than a man will.

That said, someone I used to work with is on her third husband and uses her first's surname.

Great post @2Olives1Onion

@SquashedSpring It comes across as "Listen to black women... No! Not that one!" Doesn't it?

It comes across as "Listen to black women... No! Not that one!" Doesn't it?

@PurpleWave isn't that what 2olives is doing by calling Vlad a racist?

No, I wouldn't say that. I would say it's 2 black women that disagree and that's OK, whereas you sound like exactly what I said.

@PurpleWave Is 2olives is black, who knows. She sounds very concerned about ‘British’ feelings and keen to call another black woman ‘racist and sexist as fuck’.

So now you're questioning whether she's black because you don't agree with her? Who knows if anyone is who they say they are on the internet.
Why didn't you question whether the person who had the 'right opinion' was black? Should all black people only have one opinion?

For someone that claims to be anti-racist, you seem to think that black people should be put in one box and only have the opinion you agree with. That seems the opposite of anti-racist to me.