Is this everyday sexism or am I being ludicrous?!

[harriethoyle]

Getting married (covid allowing) soon - very small ceremony. We have to apply for our marriage schedule and, on it, my DF is ie Tom Smith and I am Tina Jones formerly known as Jones. We are both divorced. I did not change my name first time around so have only ever been Jones my whole life.

This has really irrationally annoyed me! The assumption is because I was married before and am female, I changed my name but that assumption isn't applied to him. I rang the registrar and pointed this out. She said "It's because you're divorced." I said "we are both divorced. Why is he Tom Smith and I am Tina Jones formerly known as Jones when I have only EVER been Jones." She said "Well that's just the way the system works." I said "It's inappropriate to assume that I changed my name and it's incorrect to imply that I have." And she was completely perplexed by what the issue was.

When I told her that I wanted an email address so I could register my pleasure (I suspect she thinks me a Karen), she went off and checked with the senior registrar and then said that she COULD change it, despite having said it was the way the system worked. So now we are Tom Smith and Tina Jones. Which is correct!

Let's be honest, it's the tiniest blow ever struck against the patriachy but was I right to challenge what I saw as everyday sexism?

YABU - what a thing to expend energy on

YANBU - smash the patriachy one tiny blow at a time!

@Thehop please read upthread, where I have responded many, many times already

Grammar policing - why do posters do this

One assumes cos they have never had a typo or autocorrect failure

Which is quite probably a modern miracle, might need to contact the pope 🤔

@Meraas

Easy. And I'm well aware that I've intervened, but if your going to deliberately use my name as an insult then damn right I'm going to intervene.

But no one has asked you not to intervene? It’s you who is trying to shut people up, no one is trying to shut you up.

Wow. Gaslighting much? The whole "you're being a typical Karen" thing has appeared in several pages throughout this thread, which is designed specifically to shut women up.

@VladmirsPoutine I don't want your misogyny, thanks.

@kness

But OP called herself a Karen (I suspect she thinks me a Karen), are you saying that’s not allowed?

So many of these Karen type scenarios have been discussed at length on this very forum.

• Amy Cooper springs to mind.

'Karen' - like it or not - has become the catch-all term to denote a white woman who in her entitlement is actively putting a POC's livelihood, job, life or just general day at risk & danger. It's a recognised phenomenon.

Call them Katy or Sarah if you will - but it's not the name (in and of itself) that white women should be aggrieved by. It's the action and behaviour of so-called Karens. If the shoe doesn't fit then don't wear it. If it does then what now Karen?

@kness I don't want you trying to silence another black/mixed black woman thanks.

The behaviour shown by Amy Cooper, Barbeque Becky, Permit Patty and many others, is a very special kind of entitlement, the fact that they think they should be able to get a black person to vacate the space they’re in, purely because they don’t feel they should have to share it with them, is so beyond reasonable that it needs to be ridiculed. ‘S/he was being a white person’ is more offensive than ‘she was being a Karen/Becky/Patty/Chad/Ken’ because it implies white people are inherently like this, when actually it’s a minority.

S/he was being a white person’ is more offensive than ‘she was being a Karen/Becky/Patty/Chad/Ken’ because it implies white people are inherently like this, when actually it’s a minority

Doesn’t it imply that karens are inherently like this?

My friend karen was asked how she spelt her name...and she said ‘the derogatory way’ which I thought was funny

but it's not the name (in and of itself) that white women should be aggrieved by.

Do not tell me what I should or should not be aggrieved by.

'Karen' - like it or not - has become the catch-all term to denote a white woman who in her entitlement is actively putting a POC's livelihood, job, life or just general day at risk & danger. It's a recognised phenomenon.

That's an etymological fallacy. The meaning has changed and it's now used to refer to any woman who speaks up for herself, or says practically anything at all these days. You can even see that from the OP. Her original enquiry was nothing to do racism. It was about standing to for herself regarding people's assumptions about name changes after a marriage.

I do th understand why any parents name or occupation has to be in the marriage certificate at all. Or why does anyone's occupation has to be there? Shouldn't the couples info lime name, dob, identity number be enough.

You were right to complain. One small step at a time. Yes, I understand that former names has to be asked but there is no reason to automatically add it to a woman.

I remember when I first came to UK I had to fill out many forms. Never before had I ticked a title box or 'white, other' so many times.

I don’t think anyone thinks all women named Karen display entitled / abusive behaviour.

The meaning has changed and it's now used to refer to any woman who speaks up for herself, or says practically anything at all these days.

It really doesn’t. If it does then I’ll happily call myself a Karen.

@Meraas

I don’t think anyone thinks all women named Karen display entitled / abusive behaviour.

I dont think that anyone thinks thats all white people display entitled/abusive behaviour

I’m not necessarily disagreeing with you

I just thought the phrasing was interesting

It really does. Have you even read the OP? Look at the context in which it's being used.

I get called boomer at home

I just call them millennials in a revenge attack

You were right to challenge it OP. More people should challenge such behaviour

No-one thinks every woman called Karen is essentially a 'Karen'. That's utterly absurd.

I agree with @Meraas saying something like "she was being a white woman" would be exponentially worse - even though rightfully that should be what it is. Looking in the mirror and realising uncomfortable truths about white femininity is not for the faint of heart.

@Meraas

I don’t think anyone thinks all women named Karen display entitled / abusive behaviour.

Sorry but lots of people do. This is what's happening out there. I have seen the levels of harassment going on and I can assure you there are plenty of people at the moment who don't know the difference. I've seen the number of women with my name who get an absolute pile-on when they say anything at all online, just for their name alone. People don't seem to realise this is happening but I can assure you that it is.

@Neron

YABU. Women do change their surnames upon marriage, men do not. Of course they will not assume that about a man. Go ahead and complain if it will make you feel better.

Not all women do though. I know 2 men who changed their name.

Isn’t it to inform the public of the impending marriage in case of bigamy? So it’s to distinguish you from a woman who shares your name but used to have a different name. Otherwise you might be confused with someone else.

It’s just a Legal practice

No-one thinks every woman called Karen is essentially a 'Karen'. That's utterly absurd.

Sorry but you're wrong. I know you don't see it directly but I can tell you there are thousands of people out there who don't know the difference. That's what this trend has led to. I can tell you for a fact that there are lots and lots of people out there who believe that everyone called Karen is automatically a problem. There is some very nasty harassment and bullying going on.

It really does. Have you even read the OP? Look at the context in which it's being used.

But OP doesn’t think she was being a Karen, she knows she she was right to speak up.

In this instance, I'm inclined to think what a lot of fuss about nothing much. And, ironically, YABU to have used that ageist and misogynistic slur, Karen.

Sorry but lots of people do. This is what's happening out there. I have seen the levels of harassment going on and I can assure you there are plenty of people at the moment who don't know the difference. I've seen the number of women with my name who get an absolute pile-on when they say anything at all online, just for their name alone. People don't seem to realise this is happening but I can assure you that it is.

Any evidence?