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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude?

208 replies

spicysauce · 25/11/2020 07:41

So my sister has a boyfriend and they are expecting a child together, due in May 2021. I haven't met the boyfriend yet ( they don't live close).

My sister, myself and my partner share a WhatsApp group with my mother where we exchange photos of our children and discuss daily matters.

Two days ago I added this boyfriend to our WhatsApp group in order to "welcome him to the family" before we get to meet in real life.

He thanked me for adding him to the group and I asked him if he was looking forward to being a dad and he said very much so.

Yesterday I discussed something with my mother in the group. It wasn't a lot of messages, maybe ten and they all occurred within an hour.

Later on there was a notification that my sister's boyfriend left the group.

AIBU to think this is rude? He could have muted the group.

I asked my sister why he left the group. She said she didn't know, but perhaps the messaging was too much for him.

This is hard to believe for me, because when my sister visited me, she was on her phone all the time WhatsApping with him.

OP posts:
Twigletfairy · 25/11/2020 07:44

I don't think its rude. He didn't ask to be added to the group and hasn't even met you. He doesn't want to see strangers chatting with their mum.

Whats the point in being in the group if the conversation is muted?

multiplemum3 · 25/11/2020 07:44

My mil always adds to me large group chats, I hate them and leave lol. I don't want to read other people's conversations that don't have anything to do with me to be honest. I'm sure if he muted it you would have said he was rude for not replying to messages.

FourPlatinumRings · 25/11/2020 07:44

I think he'd have done better to add a line explaining why he was leaving before he left. You don't leave a group IRL or online without saying goodbye, to my mind and least.

FractionalGains · 25/11/2020 07:45

Incredibly rude. I would think it rude anyway but to do it to his girlfriend’s family who had added him to be welcoming is awful. Especially over 10 messages. Pathetic.

Incrediblytired · 25/11/2020 07:45

😂

My husbands family have recently started a WhatsApp. The daily drivel is so tedious.

I totally see what you are trying to do though, including him is nice and really he should have muted. It’s not a great first impression.

FourPlatinumRings · 25/11/2020 07:45

*at

sapnupuas · 25/11/2020 07:46

Maybe he thinks it's rude you added him without asking him first?

W2020 · 25/11/2020 07:46

It's not rude. He doesn't need to be in a group with strangers chatting about personal things. He probably thought it was more rude to stay and listen to it.

emilyfrost · 25/11/2020 07:47

@Twigletfairy

I don't think its rude. He didn't ask to be added to the group and hasn't even met you. He doesn't want to see strangers chatting with their mum.

Whats the point in being in the group if the conversation is muted?

Absolutely this.

It’s not at all rude. Messages with strangers and their mums is totally differently to messaging the mother of your child so you were silly to compare the two.

WitchesSpelleas · 25/11/2020 07:47

10 messages in an hour about something that's irrelevant and uninteresting would be quite annoying.

I agree with pp - not much point in being in the group at all if you have to mute it.

JillofTrades · 25/11/2020 07:47

I also don't think he is rude. He hasn't even met you and there you went with all the messaging. Maybe he thought this is what it's going to be like/he doesn't really want to get involved in family discussions about people he hasn't really met as yet.

Gigheimer · 25/11/2020 07:47

My sisters partner of several years did this over lockdown, he was irritated by the messages apparently.

But then I think he can be a bit of a rude twat sometimes Grin

They run along ok though and he is nice at times so no biggie I don’t have to live with him.

justanotherneighinparadise · 25/11/2020 07:48

I like him already lol 🤣

notacooldad · 25/11/2020 07:49

He didn't ask to be added.
I get really annoyed when people just assume I want to be part of a group.
Your intention was meant well but you shouldn't have assumed that he wanted to be part of it.

Jobsharenightmare · 25/11/2020 07:49

What's App groups are for many of us, ways to keep our relationships going in between face to face contact. I also wouldn't want to be added to a group with people I currently don't have a relationship with. I don't think he needed to explain himself.

I don't think you did anything wrong including him but neither did he in leaving. Maybe leave it to your sister to suggest next time?

FractionalGains · 25/11/2020 07:49

@W2020

It's not rude. He doesn't need to be in a group with strangers chatting about personal things. He probably thought it was more rude to stay and listen to it.
These “strangers” are his child’s aunt and Grandmother.
ExclamationPerfume · 25/11/2020 07:50

If it was only relevant to you and your mother why didn't you message her directly? The constant messages that had nothing to do with me would drive me mad.

Original poster
spicysauce · 25/11/2020 07:51

I asked my sister before adding him to the group and she thought it was a good idea and gave me his number

OP posts:
notacooldad · 25/11/2020 07:53

I asked my sister before adding him to the group and she thought it was a good idea and gave me his number
But thats not asking him though is it? He clearly didn't agree with your sister.

Original poster
spicysauce · 25/11/2020 07:53

I agree, although we haven't met yet, we're not really strangers

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 25/11/2020 07:55

I hate it when 2 people use a WhatsApp group to have a one 2 one conversation a he probably thought this was a sign of things to come so got out quick! 🤣

UnRavellingFast · 25/11/2020 07:55

In these specific circumstances it is a bit abrupt. A message explaining that he has too many groups but is looking forward to meeting you would be better before he left.

For your sister’s sake, don’t take it personally and let it go though.

Ginfordinner · 25/11/2020 07:55

I would think that as this was a group for your family where you all talk about things that don't concern him or interest him he would feel he was eavesdropping on private conversations.

If is anything like DH he would rather not be included in family chit chat. How long has your sister been with him?

I wouldn't take it personally.

PurpleDaisies · 25/11/2020 07:55

I probably would have left too. I don’t think it’s rude to leave a group you never asked to be added to.

rainbowbritesgreenfriend · 25/11/2020 07:55

Does he have any other children? The only thing I could think of that he is already a dad and was offended by your question. But if not, then yeah I think it’s a bit rude. I’m in a few WhatsApp groups and tend to mute them quite often as it drives me mad when I get notifications about some mundane chat!