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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude?

208 replies

spicysauce · 25/11/2020 07:41

So my sister has a boyfriend and they are expecting a child together, due in May 2021. I haven't met the boyfriend yet ( they don't live close).

My sister, myself and my partner share a WhatsApp group with my mother where we exchange photos of our children and discuss daily matters.

Two days ago I added this boyfriend to our WhatsApp group in order to "welcome him to the family" before we get to meet in real life.

He thanked me for adding him to the group and I asked him if he was looking forward to being a dad and he said very much so.

Yesterday I discussed something with my mother in the group. It wasn't a lot of messages, maybe ten and they all occurred within an hour.

Later on there was a notification that my sister's boyfriend left the group.

AIBU to think this is rude? He could have muted the group.

I asked my sister why he left the group. She said she didn't know, but perhaps the messaging was too much for him.

This is hard to believe for me, because when my sister visited me, she was on her phone all the time WhatsApping with him.

OP posts:
PaperTowels · 25/11/2020 08:52

@spicysauce

I asked my sister before adding him to the group and she thought it was a good idea and gave me his number
So nobody asked him?

10 messages about nowt would wind me up, and it'll only get worse towards Christmas...

MrsMarrio · 25/11/2020 08:54

They are expecting a baby but you haven't met him yet which is the bit I find odd.

donquixotedelamancha · 25/11/2020 08:55

Incredibly rude.

Apparently not, according to Debrett's the correct etiquette when someone you have not been formally introduced to invites you on WhatsApp you are supposed to "thank them effusively, compliment a child or pet, then leave the group discretely at the first opportunity". If OP is of Baronet or higher rank she should be receiving a whole smoked salmon or a mink shawl as a parting gift.

Itsokthanks · 25/11/2020 08:58

No it's not rude. Why would he want to see all the messages between you and your mum and sister.

Isthisnothing · 25/11/2020 08:58

I think it was very rude after you making a point to reach out and welcome him. I was added to my DPs family chat and I didn't know most of the people on it. I muted it shortly afterwards.

I would have felt very embarrassed if I was your sister.

However, now I've read the responses I see that many people would not share my view and he obviously may not have intended it to come across that way. Perhaps he just thought he was added in to publicly say hello etc and having done that it was fine to retreat.

Laiste · 25/11/2020 09:01

No it's not rude to leave a group you didn't ask to join and aren't particularly interested in reading. He's probably sick of the pinging.

DH is in a family WhatsApp group (8 adults).

The chat is mainly between SIL and MIL. BIL is in third place (still on furlough from March) posting pics every day of every tiny detail of his redecorating. The other 5 (including DH) - 2 never post and the other 3 only post something about once a month!

I get sick of his phone pinging. And more recently DH doesn't even bother looking!

donquixotedelamancha · 25/11/2020 09:02

I was added to my DPs family chat and I didn't know most of the people on it. I muted it shortly afterwards.

What is the difference between muting a group and leaving it? Either way you are not talking to those people, which is the only reason to be in a group. One is just tidier.

FortunesFave · 25/11/2020 09:02

What's the point of muting it? He still wouldn't see the messages then?

I leave any groups like this...they're pointless! It's not rude...what's rude is just adding someone!

notacooldad · 25/11/2020 09:03

They are expecting a baby but you haven't met him yet which is the bit I find odd
Why is that odd if they don't live close? Hardly anyone has seen family in the last 8 months if they don't live nearby , the baby us bit due for another 6 months. I haven't met my brothers girlfriend and he's been with her for five years and we live 40 miles away. They could have had a couple of kids in that time that I wouldn't have met!

PurpleDaisies · 25/11/2020 09:04

They are expecting a baby but you haven't met him yet which is the bit I find odd

Did you miss the fact there’s been a pandemic?

BuggerationFlavouredCrisps · 25/11/2020 09:04

OP, I think you were probably the rude one in this scenario as you’re expecting him to conform to your family cultural boundaries before you’d even met him.

OP, is your DH part of the family WhatsApp group and does he get involved in messaging? Would you get annoyed with him if he said he wasn’t interested in joining in?

My DH isn’t on WhatsApp and wouldn’t thank you for including him at all into a family group. He’d probably also be polite initially but he’d definitely leave the group at the first opportunity. DH is the kindest person and buys extremely thoughtful gifts for MY family members but he leaves all the chit chatting to me.

NataliaOsipova · 25/11/2020 09:06

People are different. Some people are very sociable, some are very interested in the lives of others. Others just aren’t. One of the school dads pestered and pestered for DH’s number to join their WhatsApp group....and I was struggling to know what to say (because the honest answer: “He does not want to join your group, he does not want to chat to you or be friends. Please leave him alone.” would seem so rude). Sociable people often only see things from their perspective: they are trying to be nice and to do a kind thing, so therefore they cannot understand that someone else may not see it as nice and kind. This strikes me here. You are trying to be nice by including him in your family chat....but it isn’t nice for him. Honestly - just learn from that and move on. You are obviously different people, but it doesn’t mean anyone is being rude.

Elfieishere · 25/11/2020 09:08

It’s odd adding him when you haven’t even met him.
You are strangers Confused

fashu · 25/11/2020 09:09

So you added a male to an all female group and then continued to talk about your personal matters and you haven't met him yet. He probably felt a little awkward seeing the things you and your mum are talking about. My DH has left my family group and his own families group. He personally doesn't like getting messages all the time even if it is on mute especially if they don't relate to him. I am on both and can let him know if something comes up that he may want to know about.

Isthisnothing · 25/11/2020 09:09

@donquixotedelamancha

I was added to my DPs family chat and I didn't know most of the people on it. I muted it shortly afterwards.

What is the difference between muting a group and leaving it? Either way you are not talking to those people, which is the only reason to be in a group. One is just tidier.

I guess the question for me is - what's the problem with muting it instead of leaving?

There is the possibility that the sister who added me would feel a bit stung as the OP does here and I don't want to not seem appreciative of the nice gesture. Also muted messages can be read later but don't have the intrusive pinging going on.

timeforanewstart · 25/11/2020 09:10

When you have a group whats app don't you just use that for group stuff , we have family whats app and use it for things we are all doing together etc or discussing
If i wAs speaking to just my mum I would text /WhatsApp her separately
Maybe he was at work and he just left quickly to just stop getting messages etc

PurpleDaisies · 25/11/2020 09:11

So you added a male to an all female group and then continued to talk about your personal matters and you haven't met him yet.

The op’s partner is in the group too.

Newkitchen123 · 25/11/2020 09:11

All my group chats are muted except for one that my friends and I use for emergency stuff. That's all we use that for.
It doesn't mean I don't read the messages it just means my phone dinging isn't incessant with every emoji or "OK" or whatever. I still get the notification on the screen.
The vast majority of stuff in our group doesn't interest my husband but he just ignores it.
I wonder if the boyfriend should start a thread saying my my girlfriend's sister added me to the family group but I don't do group chats. What should I do?

jabice · 25/11/2020 09:12

I agree with you that it's a bit rude.

My SIL's partner is in a family group on WhatsApp too, and he hasn't removed himself from the group, but he literally never writes back. Even when a question is directed at him.

It just seems a bit stuck up to me. He could have just muted it like you said!

Chloemol · 25/11/2020 09:12

WE have a family WhatsApp, it drives me nuts sometimes. We have members who leave, then decide they want to rejoin. I dont think it’s rude

yetanothernamitynamechange · 25/11/2020 09:18

He probably didnt even realise that you can see when someone leaves the group to be honest. Its not rude. There are social conventions that some people have around Whatsapp (e.g. that its rude to just leave) but because its only been around a few years I dont think these are universal or set in stone.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 25/11/2020 09:19

"Welcome to the family, person I have never met, but has got my sister pregnant, you must read every part of the inane drivel between two strangers or we shall class you as rude forever."

Not much of a welcome really.

MilerVino · 25/11/2020 09:22

Yesterday I discussed something with my mother in the group. It wasn't a lot of messages, maybe ten and they all occurred within an hour.

It would drive me nuts if a group chat for group messages included private chat between two people. It's lazy. Just message your mum if it's only for her. I wouldn't want my phone pinging away every 6 minutes and I wouldn't see the point of being in a group that I had to mute, and then later on wading through to see if there was anything relevant I'd missed.

I don't think he's rude. I think you might be.

Burnthurst187 · 25/11/2020 09:24

He probably realised very early on that being in the group meant his phone was going to be blown up with notifications about things he's not interested in and therefore left. I can see why it would look rude but then he didn't ask to be in the group

I left an NCT group about a year ago because I've got no interest in the people and just left without saying anything

I'm in a family group that I muted about eight months ago

fassbendersmistress · 25/11/2020 09:24

@spicysauce

I asked my sister before adding him to the group and she thought it was a good idea and gave me his number
Who invites people they haven’t met into a family group that is used for day to day chat?

He is an adult and I’m not sure why you acted based on one convo with your Dsis. Why didn’t you get his number and drop him a quick welcome message and then ask him later if he wanted to join and explain what you use the group for? You have absolutely no right to be offended by his actions. Wind your neck in and get over this.

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