Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude?

208 replies

spicysauce · 25/11/2020 07:41

So my sister has a boyfriend and they are expecting a child together, due in May 2021. I haven't met the boyfriend yet ( they don't live close).

My sister, myself and my partner share a WhatsApp group with my mother where we exchange photos of our children and discuss daily matters.

Two days ago I added this boyfriend to our WhatsApp group in order to "welcome him to the family" before we get to meet in real life.

He thanked me for adding him to the group and I asked him if he was looking forward to being a dad and he said very much so.

Yesterday I discussed something with my mother in the group. It wasn't a lot of messages, maybe ten and they all occurred within an hour.

Later on there was a notification that my sister's boyfriend left the group.

AIBU to think this is rude? He could have muted the group.

I asked my sister why he left the group. She said she didn't know, but perhaps the messaging was too much for him.

This is hard to believe for me, because when my sister visited me, she was on her phone all the time WhatsApping with him.

OP posts:
Burnthurst187 · 25/11/2020 09:25

@ivfbeenbusy

I hate it when 2 people use a WhatsApp group to have a one 2 one conversation a he probably thought this was a sign of things to come so got out quick! 🤣
I think that's exactly what has happened
BiBabbles · 25/11/2020 09:26

I can see it being off-putting for him to have done so, but it sounds like you need to clarify what the groups are for. Using a group chat for a 1:1 or a topic unrelated to the main part of the group is also off-putting and potentially rude.

I have two group chats where all the members of one are in another as the 3 adults who live here are also in a gaming group, but I wouldn't start conversations in with the gaming group that only the people in my house needed to hear about - my friend on the other side of town doesn't need to hear about our sink or who is expecting parcels. The other two adults here plus one of our gaming friends are in a chat with a bunch of people they work with, it doesn't bother me not to be up to date on that and while I usually don't mind, it can be annoying when they're having long conversations about something not part of that group about something where I'm left out.

Group chats should be for the group, not for every pairing within the group who wants to chat when they can freely have that elsewhere.

GreenlandTheMovie · 25/11/2020 09:28

I can't think of anything more grim than being in a family whatsapp chat group. Quietly leaving is fine.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 25/11/2020 09:35

It's not rude . He's just not interested in listening to a load of women prattle on all day . Wink

chatwoo · 25/11/2020 09:35

Is your OH in the group? Assuming it was just sisters and Mum to start with, you are BU to suggest he was rude to leave the group. He's probably in enough bullshit groups with his own family.

londonscalling · 25/11/2020 09:37

I don't think it's rude. He was perfectly polite in your original messages but doesn't want to see what you and your mum are discussing. Some may feel it's rude for you to be sending messages like that to a group and that you could have private messaged her!

AcornAutumn · 25/11/2020 09:39

@Twigletfairy

I don't think its rude. He didn't ask to be added to the group and hasn't even met you. He doesn't want to see strangers chatting with their mum.

Whats the point in being in the group if the conversation is muted?

You didn’t ask him, you just added him?
londonscalling · 25/11/2020 09:39

Even if he did agree to be invited to the group, I doubt he realised his phone would keep pinging with messages between you and your mum!!!

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 25/11/2020 09:45

If you had something to discuss with your mum, why dont you do that privately? Why do it in a group chat and disturb every one else with tedious drivel which is not applicable to them?

I honestly dont understand this group chat nonsense. It's great for discussions which apply to everyone, sharing family photos etc but if you're also using it when you have something you need to talk to just one of the people about then no wonder he left the group.

Blabla81 · 25/11/2020 09:58

If it was a discussion between you and your mother, you shouldn’t have been using the group chat. I’d find it rude that you’d assume everyone in the group wants to see your chat. I’ve left many groups because of this. Especially ones of which I haven’t been asked to be added before hand. Sorry.

Nymeriastark1 · 25/11/2020 10:06

Meh. I get why you're a bit put out, but I can see why he left. I HATE group chats. They annoy the heck out of me. Ping...ping...ping PING PING PING! Very annoying. Yes he could of muted it but if he was going to mute it not much point being in it.

Collaborate · 25/11/2020 10:07

I've also voted YABU. You have breached established etiquette for group chats by chatting to your mum in it. No one is interested in your chats with your mum. If I were him I'd have left too.

Nicolastuffedone · 25/11/2020 10:10

Just message directly!

EmpressWitchDoesntBurn · 25/11/2020 10:13

@ExclamationPerfume

If it was only relevant to you and your mother why didn't you message her directly? The constant messages that had nothing to do with me would drive me mad.
That’s what I was thinking. We have a family whatsapp group but it’s only for chat that concerns multiple members of the family, if I wanted to just talk to my mum I’d message her directly.
TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 25/11/2020 10:43

... although we haven't met yet, we're not really strangers.

I've not met the Queen yet, but I've seen her on stamps and things so I feel she's almost an old friend. However I've still waiting to be invited onto her Instagram or TikTok accounts Sad

andtheHossyourodeinon · 25/11/2020 10:46

I can't think of anything more grim than being in a family whatsapp chat group

someone elses family chat, that you've never even met?

OP, I literally can't comprehend how you could think that HE was the rude one here.

LindaEllen · 25/11/2020 10:57

If you had something to say that was just for your mum, could you not have messaged her personally? Not everything has to go into the family chat.

We've had a chat running for almost 5 years, and it got muted within two hours of me being added to it.

FractionalGains · 25/11/2020 11:06

@andtheHossyourodeinon

I can't think of anything more grim than being in a family whatsapp chat group

someone elses family chat, that you've never even met?

OP, I literally can't comprehend how you could think that HE was the rude one here.

I would have thought most people would find the immediate family of their partner/mother of their child to be of some small relevance.

I am honestly stunned by this thread. I was always very keen to make a good impression on the family of any boyfriend I have, and not send a direct signal I was not interested in chatting to them getting to know them.

There is no good reason he couldn’t have muted if he cared about how he came across. Leaving makes it clear it is a rebuff to the OP’s effort to include him. He may not have wanted to be added but it’s clear OP was trying to reach out to him in leaving so soon he has basically said fuck off.

andtheHossyourodeinon · 25/11/2020 11:10

I would have thought most people would find the immediate family of their partner/mother of their child to be of some small relevance

Their general chit chat should be of relevance to him? He hasn't even met them!

I am honestly stunned by this thread

Same, but for the opposite reason. This is the equivalent of being at a family party, dragging him over to stand with you and your mother, and shouting your conversation over his head. And then getting pissed off when he walks off!

readingismycardio · 25/11/2020 11:12

I leave these groups as soon as I'm addedGrin

GoldfishParade · 25/11/2020 11:17

In theory it's just honest and I can see why he wanted to leave as family groups are boring as fuck.

In practice though the right behaviour would be
A) To mute you for a week or two before withdrawing, or
B) To send the group a charming message about being overwhelmed with messages from work as it is, so backing out, but cant wait to meet you all in person

To just leave like that is rude I think and doesnt really bode well.

notacooldad · 25/11/2020 11:26

,To just leave like that is rude I think and doesnt really bode well
Some may say just to add someone to a family chat without checking they are OK with it is rude and presumptuous.

FractionalGains · 25/11/2020 11:34

@notacooldad

,To just leave like that is rude I think and doesnt really bode well Some may say just to add someone to a family chat without checking they are OK with it is rude and presumptuous.
Clearly I’m in the minority on MN, but to me, being added to a WhatsApp group with the best of intentions (to make me feel welcome in the family), when there’s a mute option, isn’t the intrusive and upsetting behaviour that others here perceive it as.

Even if it were, given I would want a good relationship with my child’s family, I would still not want to be rude in return.

People saying he left as the OP and her family are strangers and he isn’t interested in what they’ve got to say - well ok, but in leaving he has said that loud and clear, that they aren’t that important to him. If that’s how he feels then fair enough but it’s ok for OP to be upset about that given she was trying to make an effort with the father of her niece/nephew.

Anyway I’m starting to sound like the OP’s sock puppet (I’m not I promise!) so I’ll shut up Grin

UnhappyPlace · 25/11/2020 11:35

Some people can’t deal with a lot of interaction.

I would loathe to be in a WhatsApp group.....not knowing what to type, feeling obligated to participate, my phone going off several times an hour, not wanting to mute it in case I’m asked anything and feeling like I’m snooping on others conversations.

What may feel normal to one person might not to another.

golddustwomen · 25/11/2020 11:37

Haven't RTFT but just wanted to say, my oh's family have a WhatsApp group and my god it goes off all day every day. Messages between two people that could be sent privately etc. It drives us both mad!