Is this rude?

[spicysauce]

So my sister has a boyfriend and they are expecting a child together, due in May 2021. I haven't met the boyfriend yet ( they don't live close).

My sister, myself and my partner share a WhatsApp group with my mother where we exchange photos of our children and discuss daily matters.

Two days ago I added this boyfriend to our WhatsApp group in order to "welcome him to the family" before we get to meet in real life.

He thanked me for adding him to the group and I asked him if he was looking forward to being a dad and he said very much so.

Yesterday I discussed something with my mother in the group. It wasn't a lot of messages, maybe ten and they all occurred within an hour.

Later on there was a notification that my sister's boyfriend left the group.

AIBU to think this is rude? He could have muted the group.

I asked my sister why he left the group. She said she didn't know, but perhaps the messaging was too much for him.

This is hard to believe for me, because when my sister visited me, she was on her phone all the time WhatsApping with him.

He was polite up until the 10 messages. And even then leaving the group wasn't rude at all. It's good that he came in to the family polite yet doing what he feels best and not bending over backwards.
He is polite, he doesn't need to win anyone over.

My partner always leaves our group msgs. He hates the constant notifications haha I just laugh.

I can’t believe people thinks this isn’t rude

Mute the chat or explain why you’re leaving, don’t just leave without saying anything.

What a way to introduce yourself to a new family.

I can’t believe people thinks this isn’t rude

No, it's rude to talk to just one person in a group chat. If you have something to say to that one person, use a separate chat!

I hate it when people in group chats have a convo of interest only for 2. I think that’s the rude thing here! Just because he reacted positively to a picture of your son (legitimate family sharing) doesn’t mean he’s remotely interested in chit chat between you and your mum.

I really want to know what the chat with your mother was!

@SoupDragon

I can’t believe people thinks this isn’t rude

No, it's rude to talk to just one person in a group chat. If you have something to say to that one person, use a separate chat!

Is it not possible for both to be rude?

OP I do not think it is rude.
I think he is not interested or comfortable in the family group at the moment. Most likely because he does not know you yet.
Give him a chance to meet in person. No everyone opens up straight away, some people do need a bit of time.
I think what you have done is lovely, welcoming, and suited to times when you may not be allowed to travel to meet each other. And I would have apreciated it, but also felt a bit intruding on your family space, so I may have been quiet at the beginning. I used to be very very shy, and my old self would have hidden under a rock!

I couldn’t think of anything worse than being in DH’s family whatsapp group! He has suggested adding me but I declined. He is in my family’s one but that’s only because he specifically asked to be.

If he posted "Fucking nattering on" and then left, that would be rude. Just leaving isn't rude.

He accepted to be polite, but then thought the conversations weren’t really something he was interested in being part of. His choice. It’s a bit controlling to force someone into being part of a group they’re not interested in. He doesn’t know you and you don’t know him.

Is it not possible for both to be rude?

Not in this case. He left quietly and without a fuss because of the private conversation being had in the group chat.

@spicysauce

I agree, although we haven't met yet, we're not really strangers

Yes you are. Your sister being pregnant by him does not mean you have any relationship with him. and definitely means he is a stranger. If your sister thought it was such a good idea why didn't she do it?

YABU - your group is a family chat group, he literally has never met you so clearly doesnt want to be part of your chit chat - it would be like overhearing a random family's discussion in a shop, totally irrelevant to him and not something he can participate in.

My mums side of the family (me, siblings, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins) have always been very close and we have a WhatsApp group.

It is used to share pictures, family news, messages intended for everyone, questions anyone can answer etc. Some days there are flurries of messages and other times we can go days without a message. If people want to have a 1-to-1 conversation, we take it to an individual chat.

People are only added to the chat if they're family or long term partner and we've all met them - so my 21yo cousin's bf that she lives with and has been with for 6yrs is in the chat but my 19 year old cousin's bf that she has only been with for 8 months is not - equally each relationship is allowed to choose if they want to be included or not. My brother and SIL moved abroad last year and they're now 6hrs behind us. SIL works late shifts at work so she left the group because most messages in our group were being sent when she was sleeping and were of stuff that wasnt relevent to them ("Hey, can anyone help us move X on Saturday?" "BBQ at mums for Jack's birthday on Thursday!" "Anyone want this dining room table before we get rid?" Etc). My brother is still in the group so she can still see messages/pictures we post and he still sends pics/vids of my nephew, she just isn't in the group bc she doesnt need to be.

In the nicest possible way, I think people who use whatsapp groups for a conversation with one person is rude. 10 messages between each other is a lot. If it’s a personal conversation why not message them direct?

I can’t believe people thinks this isn’t rude
So you have to be polite when you are added to something that you didn't ask for or necessarily want and there's a conversation going that has nothing to do with you or interests you. I would be off as well and not given it another thought. Its not like he's walked out in the middle if a Sunday roast with saying anything.
I dont think its anything to stress over.
If the op had come on here saying she had been added to a WhatsApp group if people she doesn't know and hasn't met and the conversation had nothing to do with her i swear the majority of people would tell her to leave!

My DH was in the family whatsapp and did exactly the same thing.
He said the constant pinging was annoying him cos he uses his phone a lot for work so the fact that it was useless information, to him, and it was encroaching on his works time made him leave.

In turn, I've left all the class WhatsApp's cos I was sick of keep going to my phone only to find two people were having a completely unrelated-to-anyone else conversation that was broadcasting to thirty other phones. Annoying as fuck!

So you are looking for a fight because he doesn't want to be part of your Whatsapp group?

This man is probably going to be part of your family for a long time, don't sweat the small things.

@Cocomarine

I really want to know what the chat with your mother was!

It was about whether I'd be able to visit them ( my mother and sister) with the current corona situation and the rules and regulations

@Coyoacan

So you are looking for a fight because he doesn't want to be part of your Whatsapp group?

This man is probably going to be part of your family for a long time, don't sweat the small things.

I'm not looking for a fight, it just made me go "oh".

I'm very surprised by the majority of the posters here who don't think this rude.

Nevertheless, I asked and I appreciate your honesty.

I would have thought most people would find the immediate family of their partner/mother of their child to be of some small relevance.

I am honestly stunned by this thread. I was always very keen to make a good impression on the family of any boyfriend I have, and not send a direct signal I was not interested in chatting to them getting to know them.

He is however new to the family and I think at that stage you want to get to know people gradually. If it weren't for covid he might have met up with them once or twice and got to know them bit by bit. And if it weren't for modern comms, he wouldn't be bombarded by texts. Personally I find it very difficult to have this moment by moment chatter going on.

Women are very much socialised to fit in and to be more flexible with their boundaries to please others. Men tend to be less burdened with this. I've noticed with my own (male) partner that he just has his boundaries. He's not being rude - it's just that if something isn't of interest, it's not of interest.

Personally I would find mother-daughter chat just too personal in the early stages of a relationship. If I were part of an IRL conversation with two other people and they started a conversation clearly just meant for the two of them, I would find it really awkward and feel like I was being intrusive remaining there. I think all that's happened here is that the boyfriend just thought 'OK, too much personal chatter, this isn't for me', left and got on with his day. He won't be having all this angst about whether it's rude or not, and would probably be quite surprised to find it's generated any discussion.

Do some people not know how to mute conversations?

I'm very surprised by the majority of the posters here who don't think this rude
But in hindsight can't you see how odd your behaviour is?
As repeatedly said, He is someone you don't know even though he is your sister's partner, you have never met him, you didn't ask him if he wanted to be involved and then start having a conflab with your mother that goes into 10 messages backwards and forwards between you two that is of no interest to him.
I seriously would have left as well. I may have stayed if it was an odd message every now and then.

Do some people not know how to mute conversations?
I'm sure they do but what is the point that is not currently relevant to you?