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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude?

208 replies

spicysauce · 25/11/2020 07:41

So my sister has a boyfriend and they are expecting a child together, due in May 2021. I haven't met the boyfriend yet ( they don't live close).

My sister, myself and my partner share a WhatsApp group with my mother where we exchange photos of our children and discuss daily matters.

Two days ago I added this boyfriend to our WhatsApp group in order to "welcome him to the family" before we get to meet in real life.

He thanked me for adding him to the group and I asked him if he was looking forward to being a dad and he said very much so.

Yesterday I discussed something with my mother in the group. It wasn't a lot of messages, maybe ten and they all occurred within an hour.

Later on there was a notification that my sister's boyfriend left the group.

AIBU to think this is rude? He could have muted the group.

I asked my sister why he left the group. She said she didn't know, but perhaps the messaging was too much for him.

This is hard to believe for me, because when my sister visited me, she was on her phone all the time WhatsApping with him.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 26/11/2020 06:01

@ExclamationPerfume

If it was only relevant to you and your mother why didn't you message her directly? The constant messages that had nothing to do with me would drive me mad.
Same. ting

ting

Ting

ting

Aargh! Especially between two people I have not even met.

TeachesOfPeaches · 26/11/2020 06:08

Not rude at all. I deleted WhatsApp entirely as the constant messages of drivel in all the groups was driving me mad. Even if you mute them you feel pressure to read the messages and respond occasionally. Feel so free without it now.

Ginfordinner · 26/11/2020 08:44

This thread doesnt show it isnt rude, it shows how low standards are in a society that's becoming increasingly narcissistic. It would have taken 20 secs to say goodbye.

I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. Posting on a chat that you don't want to be part of it could easily be taken the wrong way, and would have looked very rude, especially when most of the people on the chat haven't even met the boyfriend..

I hate playing message hockey on my phone at the best of times. I would far rather have a proper telephone conversation, or even better a conversation in person.

When I am sat at my desk working the last thing I want is my phone pinging every few minutes with other people's messages, so I mute my WhatsApp groups and read the messages at my leisure.

I agree that society is getting more narcissistic though.

Terriorer · 26/11/2020 09:02

If my family group chat with my siblings was pinging all the time with irrelevant to me chat between my two rugby mad brothers, I’d leave that, never mind a group I didn’t know the people in.

SMaCM · 26/11/2020 09:12

I've been married for 30 years and my husband still doesn't want to be in our family group chat. My sister has added him a couple of times and he just leaves. He's not being rude, he just doesn't need to read our daily chat and I can update him on any big events.

TheSandman · 26/11/2020 09:14

@PurpleDaisies

I probably would have left too. I don’t think it’s rude to leave a group you never asked to be added to.
Me too.

And not everyone in the world is addicted to endless constant Social Media. Personally I loath Facebook, only use Whatsapp when I have to for family logistics and have never understood or wanted a Twitter account. Mumsnet is as close as I get to regular Social Media. Not everyone wants to be constantly up to date with an endless stream of meaningless prattle.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/11/2020 09:20

This thread doesnt show it isnt rude, it shows how low standards are in a society that's becoming increasingly narcissistic. It would have taken 20 secs to say goodbye.

But what would have been this magical goodbye message that made the OP happy? I can’t see what the sister’s boyfriend could have said that would not have offended her.

There was another poster on the thread saying he should have muted the chat - yet in the next paragraph, complaining that someone she knows has done just that and how rude he is not to respond! It’s a lose-lose situation.

Housewoes23 · 26/11/2020 09:26

I dont think he was rude, I think he was put in an awkward position.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to be in a group chat with her friends and family. I've met them all and they're pleasant but not the sort of people I'm interested in chatting to constantly, so I said no thank you. But she asked me first.

Having said that, although he wasnt rude, If I'd have been added I'd have just muted it though, which would be more polite than leaving abruptly. But I'm very concious of how I appear in these situations. He evidently isn't.

phoenixrosehere · 26/11/2020 09:27

Yes, family group WhatsApps are boring, but the OP was just trying to bridge the gap of the physical distance between them. It's not wrong of him to want to leave but it's so rude not to leave a quickly friendly message saying goodbye, or messaging the OP privately afterwards to say he doesn't do group chats.

Technically, he isn’t family. He’s a boyfriend OP barely knows or even has met. I understand trying to bring him in since he’s the father of her sister’s baby though. Still, it was a group chat. If OP wanted to discuss something that only involved her mum she could have sent a private message. It wasn’t necessary for the whole group to see it especially someone who is new to the fold. Since this is his first impression of the group as a newcomer, he probably thought it was the norm and didn’t want to be a part of it.

phoenixrosehere · 26/11/2020 09:31

Having said that, although he wasnt rude, If I'd have been added I'd have just muted it though, which would be more polite than leaving abruptly

Does he know that it can be muted though? A few posters have mentioned that they use WhatsApp and didn’t know that was possible.

WhereamI88 · 26/11/2020 09:33

If he mutes it, he will miss the conversations which he is expected to reply to or know about...so he can't win.

andtheHossyourodeinon · 26/11/2020 09:38

This thread doesnt show it isnt rude, it shows how low standards are in a society that's becoming increasingly narcissistic. It would have taken 20 secs to say goodbye

Narcissistic is adding people you don't know to your chat groups, without asking, and expecting them to pay attention to your inane chatter, and think it rude when they do not.
The fact that you think him rude instead of OP suggests YOU are incredibly narcissistic.

raspberrymuffin · 26/11/2020 09:42

If I were him I'd have muted it - it was a nice welcoming gesture from his future child's extended family and he must know leaving it so soon would be taken as a rejection of that gesture. The fact that he's never met the OP is irrelevant - he's having a baby with her sister so hardly a random stranger off the street.

WhatsApp is not social media so it doesn't really matter how he feels about Facebook or Twitter which are.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 26/11/2020 09:46

Not rude atall. I left my own family whatsapp group it was annoying that I could never catch up with the messages as they spoke allllllll day as they were all furloughed.

phoenixrosehere · 26/11/2020 09:53

If I were him I'd have muted it - it was a nice welcoming gesture from his future child's extended family and he must know leaving it so soon would be taken as a rejection of that gesture

One, we don’t know if he even knows that muting is possible.

Two, wouldn’t it also be seen as a rejection if he had ignored the request in the first place and left it or even deleted it?

TheSandman · 26/11/2020 10:02

WhatsApp is not social media so it doesn't really matter how he feels about Facebook or Twitter which are.

A group chat is a social medium.

kursaalflyer · 26/11/2020 10:04

I'm trying to think what the opposite would be. My boyfriend's brother adds me to a group consisting of boyfriend, his brother and wife and his dad, none of whom I've met. The first convo is a 2-way about an engine part that lasts for an hour. I think I would leave because maybe this is what it's like all the time.
Don't most people turn pinging off? I check my phone occasionally and there'll either be some banners or just badges on the apps to check. Couldn't deal with pings!

Cam77 · 26/11/2020 10:10

Two days ago I added this boyfriend to our WhatsApp group in order to "welcome him to the family" before we get to meet in real life.

I’m sure your intentions were good, but surely it might have been nicer for him to just “meet you for the first time in real life” rather than following the random drama of your lives over WhatsApp. It was a bit awkward for him I expect, following the family chat online having not even met you in person.

Cam77 · 26/11/2020 10:15

@andtheHossyourodeinon
Narcissistic is adding people you don't know to your chat groups, without asking, and expecting them to pay attention to your inane chatter, and think it rude when they do not.
The fact that you think him rude instead of OP suggests YOU are incredibly narcissistic.

That’s a bit strong but I agree with the sentiment.
I’m going to meet some important new people in my life. Would I prefer to:
A) meet them in a nice proper way, face to face with a drink etc
B) watch them texting about some random family WhatsApp chat which doesn’t concern me in the slightest, followed by face to face?

FractionalGains · 26/11/2020 10:36

I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. Posting on a chat that you don't want to be part of it could easily be taken the wrong way, and would have looked very rude, especially when most of the people on the chat haven't even met the boyfriend

I don’t understand this. If it’s rude to use words to say you don’t want to be a part of the group, why is it not rude to give that exact same message by simply leaving?

Either way he has made it entirely clear he is not interested in being in that group. I don’t get why it’s rude to say so but not rude to make that clear by leaving. Surely it’s either not rude to make it obvious that he doesn’t want to be in the group or it’s rude however you give that message.

Meraas · 26/11/2020 12:56

I think WhatsApp should release a version that doesn't tell everyone when you leave a group chat. Maybe when you select 'don't show my contacts my status', it should automatically configure it so when you leave a group chat, it shouldn't tell everyone you've left the group chat.

Meraas · 26/11/2020 13:00

I don’t understand this. If it’s rude to use words to say you don’t want to be a part of the group, why is it not rude to give that exact same message by simply leaving?

I've left many groups in my time and I've never explained why I'm leaving, you draw much more attention to yourself when you say bye.

It's better to leave without a goodbye, even better if you don't have your name saved in your profile, as anyone who doesn't have your number saved will just see that a random 07834 483892 or whatever number has left the chat.

notacooldad · 26/11/2020 13:22

The guy may rejoin the group at a later stage when he has met you all and git to know you.
It would be really weird being part of a family group chat who are talking about family matters and the only thing you have in common is that you are in a relish one of them.

raspberrymuffin · 26/11/2020 14:51

*WhatsApp is not social media so it doesn't really matter how he feels about Facebook or Twitter which are.

A group chat is a social medium. *

I suppose, technically, if you put it like that. But it's not posting pictures of your dinner or getting into political spats with strangers, and it's not producing publically available content that companies can hang advertising on, and to me that's what social media is really about. A group chat is a group of people chatting to each other in private, regardless of how you do it.

raspberrymuffin · 26/11/2020 14:52

Although I have been known to send photos of my dinner via WhatsApp so what would I know Smile