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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 3 children sharing will have to do for now

343 replies

GrubBug · 24/11/2020 21:35

2DSC, 1 DC between us.

2DSC are 9&11, DC is nearing 3. All same sex.

We were hoping to be able to move before the need came but unfortunately that hasn't happened due to a few reasons and now Covid too on top putting some strain on finances.

So far, DC has been in our room. I no longer think this is viable.

DSC have second bedroom which is still a big double. It's enough room for their current arrangement which is two separate beds, floor space, dressers, TV, and seating (two pouffe).

My plan is to have one side with bunk beds for DSC and the other side with a toddler bunk (low down and space underneath for toys etc...). Also means there's no need to get rid of any of the other stuff in there so set up would be the same, only difference being bunks rather than separate.

DH is hesitating because DSC don't want bunk beds and don't want to share room.

I know it's not ideal but our child needs their own space now. We are likely not going to be able to move now for another 2-3 years.

AIBU to say it will have to do for now and put my foot down?

It's not fair imo to have a resident child in with us, having no space for their things just to avoid DSC having bunk beds for a couple of years.

DSC are good kids. They aren't kicking up a huge fuss just have made it known they don't like the idea. But I believe if explained to them properly why this is the case that they will get over it and be fine.

OP posts:
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joybrightnice · 24/11/2020 21:37

How often do you have your step children?

GlummyMcGlummerson · 24/11/2020 21:37

How often do you have your SC over?

Unless they live here most of the time I agree it's completely ridiculous to have a 3yo in with you when there's a room next door that's mostly empty.

helloxhristmas · 24/11/2020 21:37

They'll have to there is no other space.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/11/2020 21:38

Seems logical to me

GlummyMcGlummerson · 24/11/2020 21:38

*there (pretty sure they don't live here 😂)

Original poster
GrubBug · 24/11/2020 21:39

3 nights a week

OP posts:
Feministicon · 24/11/2020 21:39

It’s the only fair solution I’d say.

Original poster
GrubBug · 24/11/2020 21:40

We will be moving into a 3 bed as soon as we can so DC can have their own room and DSC can go back to having separate beds but sharing (they want to share, always have).

But right now I don't think there is any other option. I don't think DC staying in with us is an option personally, or at least it shouldn't be one we actually consider imo.

Those that think I'm being unreasonable, what is it you'd have us do?

OP posts:
hennersley · 24/11/2020 21:42

Yes it will have to do. Think of it this way, your child won't have their own room at all but your sc have their own rooms 4 nights a week at mums I assume

GlummyMcGlummerson · 24/11/2020 21:43

Yeah they'll have to put up with it your DC deserve his/her own space too

GlummyMcGlummerson · 24/11/2020 21:43

@hennersley

Yes it will have to do. Think of it this way, your child won't have their own room at all but your sc have their own rooms 4 nights a week at mums I assume
That's a really good way to put it to them
Original poster
GrubBug · 24/11/2020 21:44

@hennersley

Yes it will have to do. Think of it this way, your child won't have their own room at all but your sc have their own rooms 4 nights a week at mums I assume
Yes, I've pointed this out to DH as well. Our DC just has far more 'stuff' too considering they obviously live here full time. It's getting a bit silly now, there is just nowhere for any of it.
OP posts:
Laiste · 24/11/2020 21:44

It's possible the 11 year old might start to not come to stay.

This scenario is what happened to SIL when she and her partner decided to have a child together when there were already 3 between them and very little space already.

The eldest decided they didn't want to spend half their week squeezed in with their step sibling in order to be with their father and refused to come over any more.

SIL was pretty unpleasant about it. Saying she felt snubbed ect. I felt sorry for the child.

In your situation OP i guess there isn't an alternative, but be gracious if/when either of the step children ask not to stay anymore.

Missmonkeypenny · 24/11/2020 21:46

If you have the bigger bedroom, could you swap to give them more space when theyre sharing? The only thing which I'd be hesitant about would be whether the older two would wake the younger child up when theyre awake in the bedroom

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 24/11/2020 21:47

I had ds's 3 and 9 sharing. Ds 13 decided to move ft from his df's....
They shared for a year. No choice tbh!!
Now 6, 12 and nearly 17. Nobody suffered long term effects!

Elllicam · 24/11/2020 21:48

Are they there full time? I don’t think you can say it’s unfair for you to have to share but perfectly fair for the other two children to have to share. Although if they are only there every second weekend or something then yes I would put them in together.

Smellbellina · 24/11/2020 21:49

It’s life, kids need to experience real life with loving support in order to learn resilience, empathy etc.
I wouldn’t feel bad at all.
(I shared my bedroom with my 2 sister for years so that probably influences my opinion, but this was decades ago and I know isn’t the norm anymore. Still, shit happens, and bigger shit than this!)

NailsNeedDoing · 24/11/2020 21:51

I think them sharing is fine in theory, but 11 is a bit old to start having a bunk bed. It won’t be long at all before they get too big for bunk beds to be comfortable.

Original poster
GrubBug · 24/11/2020 21:51

@Missmonkeypenny

If you have the bigger bedroom, could you swap to give them more space when theyre sharing? The only thing which I'd be hesitant about would be whether the older two would wake the younger child up when theyre awake in the bedroom
I would be open for swapping but I'm not sure it would actually be beneficial. Our room has some fitted wardrobes down half of one side so it's not actually as much floor space.

DSC rarely spend time in their room to be honest. They usually are downstairs with us watching TV until bed time, though appreciate that may change.

This isn't a scenario we had planned for. We were all prepared to move when I got pregnant but unfortunately some circumstances changed and that didn't happen. Were hoping this year but then Covid and well... It's just been more of a struggle than we'd hoped. We are getting there though so hoping this is short term.

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 24/11/2020 21:52

I don’t think you can say it’s unfair for you to have to share but perfectly fair for the other two children to have to share.
Really, why?? 3 kids can easily sleep in a room together, it is generally frowned upon for 2 adults to have sex with a child in the room.
And when did a child’s demands begin to be more important than the adults (who care for them) needs?

GlummyMcGlummerson · 24/11/2020 21:52

@NailsNeedDoing

I think them sharing is fine in theory, but 11 is a bit old to start having a bunk bed. It won’t be long at all before they get too big for bunk beds to be comfortable.
My brothers were still in bunk beds aged 17 & 18! They had no choice, the room was too small for 2 individual beds.
Smellbellina · 24/11/2020 21:54

It won’t be long at all before they get too big for bunk beds to be comfortable.
Only if they are toddler bunk beds or the 11 year old is actually an Amazon

Original poster
GrubBug · 24/11/2020 21:54

@Elllicam

Are they there full time? I don’t think you can say it’s unfair for you to have to share but perfectly fair for the other two children to have to share. Although if they are only there every second weekend or something then yes I would put them in together.
They are here 3 nights a week.

The point is, DC is not able to have much space in our room as obviously me and DH have a double bed. Moving into the DSC room allows them to have space for their things which they barely have now.

And I mean there are other reasons of course why adults may not want to share with a toddler... 😂 I just think DC needs a room to call theirs, with a proper bed and some space for their toys.

OP posts:
JillofTrades · 24/11/2020 21:58

Yanbu op. This is the situation and it is what it is. You and dh need your space back as well. Posters are saying the 11yo might not like it, but then that is just tough. They still have their own rooms at their mum. And if they don't spend time in their rooms then it's just about sleeping there which they will have to deal with.

Original poster
GrubBug · 24/11/2020 21:59

As I say in my OP, my DSC are good kids, they are very kind actually and usually understand things well. I've been warmly surprised (and proud) in the past at how selfless they can be, considering it's not children's strong suit after all!

DH has a problem saying no, it stems from guilt I think. But I do genuinely believe they would be okay if we explained why this was happening for a while.

OP posts: