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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 3 children sharing will have to do for now

343 replies

GrubBug · 24/11/2020 21:35

2DSC, 1 DC between us.

2DSC are 9&11, DC is nearing 3. All same sex.

We were hoping to be able to move before the need came but unfortunately that hasn't happened due to a few reasons and now Covid too on top putting some strain on finances.

So far, DC has been in our room. I no longer think this is viable.

DSC have second bedroom which is still a big double. It's enough room for their current arrangement which is two separate beds, floor space, dressers, TV, and seating (two pouffe).

My plan is to have one side with bunk beds for DSC and the other side with a toddler bunk (low down and space underneath for toys etc...). Also means there's no need to get rid of any of the other stuff in there so set up would be the same, only difference being bunks rather than separate.

DH is hesitating because DSC don't want bunk beds and don't want to share room.

I know it's not ideal but our child needs their own space now. We are likely not going to be able to move now for another 2-3 years.

AIBU to say it will have to do for now and put my foot down?

It's not fair imo to have a resident child in with us, having no space for their things just to avoid DSC having bunk beds for a couple of years.

DSC are good kids. They aren't kicking up a huge fuss just have made it known they don't like the idea. But I believe if explained to them properly why this is the case that they will get over it and be fine.

OP posts:
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caringcarer · 25/11/2020 02:59

Good idea up thread to get a bunk bed and a high sleeper DSC could go on top and 3 year old on bottom bunk. You would keep.more floor space that way.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/11/2020 03:16

Have you considered that your 11 year old dss is needing a quiet place to study. Not just one to sleep in. He will be at secondary next year if not already. Homework really ramps up then and if you’re not considering moving for 3 years, he will be either in year 9 or 10 (10 being a gcse year) when that happens. Your younger dss will also be at secondary and also needing a study space, not a 3/4/5/6 year old pestering them both. For this reason I personally would think long and hard about how best to achieve this and for me it probably won’t be by having the 3 in one room if this room is the only non communal space in the house.

Solutions then become partitioning the room even if not ideal, repurposing the living room as your bedroom 3 nights a week or cutting a small section off of the living room literally just to to sleep in, giving your 3 yo your bedroom. I presume there is no separate dining room as that would have been mentioned.

I know some people have come on here and said they shared as a 3 but life has definitely changed since people on here were at school. The world of work is far more competitive, ergo decent qualifications are a must for every jobs, schools are far more demanding and the level requires to attain good grade GCSE’s increased.

It is therefore important to give your step dcs that all important quiet space. And if the only way to do it, is to get inventive and sacrifice your comfort a bit then I think you’re going to need to do this. I am surprised by the vote. Ive seen like this go the other way. Many people in your situation sleep in the living room.

missnevermind · 25/11/2020 03:17

This is exactly what we had to do. All children are full siblings though, but I don't see that it makes a difference apart from it being a full time situation.
The two older boys in a very solid pine bunk bed ages 9 and 11. The toddler in a toddler bed against a different wall. Large enough bedroom for all their stuff. When I had my 4th she was in with us for a few years untill we could move but I'd she had been a boy we would have just put another set of bunk beds in there and let the two eldest have the 2 top bunks.

AlizarinRed · 25/11/2020 03:41

I wouldn't have thought having a 3 year old in your room is that bad.
Surely you can leave it as it is but give the 3 year old toys and play space in the DSCs bedroom.
My worry would be the 3 year old disturbing the others or vice versa. You have a reason to tiptoe round the bedroom so a not to disturb the 3 year old the DSCs don't , also 3 year old waking the others early could be a risk.

RichPetunia · 25/11/2020 03:48

Is there any way you could partition? Take a third off the big room and then your child has a room and the step kids still have a room to themselves? I had a partition wall put up in mine for £300, so not deadly.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 25/11/2020 04:01

Have you considered that your 11 year old dss is needing a quiet place to study.
could be solved by a desk in the parents' room that the child could use early evening before bedtime - or homework in the kitchen after supper.

anameIcallmyself · 25/11/2020 05:21

If your worried about bunk beds being too small just get a king single bunk that can be separated to 2 beds. Worked for my adult children when space was limited.

tillytown · 25/11/2020 06:13

What happens when the toddler won't go to sleep or the older kids wake him up by accident? Do they just have to listen to him have a tantrum and then go to school tired?
What about homework and just chilling out? Will they be able to use the bedroom for anything other than sleeping? Can the toddler be trusted to not wreck the other kids stuff?
This nonsense that people keep spouting about how its not fine for the toddler to not have a room in his own house completely ignores the fact that your house is also your stepchildrens home, and they deserve a room too.
Give the toddler your room, get a pull out bed for the living room, it's what other people have to do when they have no space.

pinkbalconyrailing · 25/11/2020 06:25

It won’t be long at all before they get too big for bunk beds to be comfortable.

why? most bunkbeds are standard single size. many adults sleep in single beds.

CarbsAreNotMyFriend · 25/11/2020 06:26

Best solution available to you, go for it

Oreservoir · 25/11/2020 06:38

It's a non issue imo.
You have 2 bedrooms.
The parents need 1 room.
The 3 dc have to go in the other room.
It's life and the older 2 need to learn that sometimes situations are not perfect.

Figgyboa · 25/11/2020 06:42

Sounds a little rough for the older DCs to share with a toddler...

ConcernedAboutWarrington · 25/11/2020 06:44

I can't believe this hasn't been suggested... Get a triple-stacked single bunk with the best mattresses you can afford. Bottom bed is almost floor level which is perfect for toddler, and ALL the DC literally see treated the same. Then you leave loads of room for storage / desks / whatever. Encourage the older DC to zone out with headphones etc in their bunks if they need space.

Can't believe PPs are saying you should give up your room, be moving beds around etc.! This is the easiest solution by far.

Thehop · 25/11/2020 06:49

Agree with @ConcernedAboutWarrington a triple stacked bunk could be perfect. I’ve seen them with gates on the stairs bit so toddler can’t access the upper beds. And all children equal, with your dc very safe so low down and plenty of room for desks/clothes/toys.

I’m sure I’ve seen them dressed as proper little pods too with screens shelves and curtains.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/11/2020 06:49

@tillytown

What happens when the toddler won't go to sleep or the older kids wake him up by accident? Do they just have to listen to him have a tantrum and then go to school tired? What about homework and just chilling out? Will they be able to use the bedroom for anything other than sleeping? Can the toddler be trusted to not wreck the other kids stuff? This nonsense that people keep spouting about how its not fine for the toddler to not have a room in his own house completely ignores the fact that your house is also your stepchildrens home, and they deserve a room too. Give the toddler your room, get a pull out bed for the living room, it's what other people have to do when they have no space.
Exactly. Just because your 11 yo dss is happy chilling downstairs right now, he probably won’t for much longer. My yr8 dd goes to her room by 8pm. And she is quite unusual amongst her friends. Most kids this age go to their room and only surface for sustenance. Dd chills watching YouTube, a bit of online gaming, chatting to her friends etc. She goes to sleep anything between 8 and 10.30pm.
Cissyandflora · 25/11/2020 06:53

My parents should have done this when we were young. There were three of us. Could easily have put us together but for some reason thought they couldn’t put youngest boy in with girls. All of us were little and plenty of space in the bedroom for another. They kept my brother in a bed in their room until he was 7. Their marriage broke down and this situation couldn’t have helped. Kids will be fine together. You should see the sleeping arrangements in my home. Far worse than yours. . But it will all be ok!

LyingDogsLie1 · 25/11/2020 06:55

@Laiste

It's possible the 11 year old might start to not come to stay.

This scenario is what happened to SIL when she and her partner decided to have a child together when there were already 3 between them and very little space already.

The eldest decided they didn't want to spend half their week squeezed in with their step sibling in order to be with their father and refused to come over any more.

SIL was pretty unpleasant about it. Saying she felt snubbed ect. I felt sorry for the child.

In your situation OP i guess there isn't an alternative, but be gracious if/when either of the step children ask not to stay anymore.

What if OP’s DC decides they aren’t happy? Do their feelings come into it?
LyingDogsLie1 · 25/11/2020 06:56

@NailsNeedDoing

I think them sharing is fine in theory, but 11 is a bit old to start having a bunk bed. It won’t be long at all before they get too big for bunk beds to be comfortable.
Bunk beds aren’t smaller?
seashellseashell123 · 25/11/2020 07:05

If you had posted this and not mentioned the fact the older 2 were step children you would have had totally different responses. It's like the mumsnet stepmum bingoGrin

andtheHossyourodeinon · 25/11/2020 07:16

At 11 I'd be voting with my feet if there was a toddler in my bedroom!

What, would you move out and live alone? Don't be daft, at 11 you'd do as you ar told and get over it.

OP, stop indulging. You don't have any other options, so just get on and do it. If they don't like it, tough luck.

SoupDragon · 25/11/2020 07:27

At 11 I'd be voting with my feet if there was a toddler in my bedroom!

What, would you move out and live alone? Don't be daft, at 11 you'd do as you ar told and get over it.

No, they would simply refuse to go to stay with their father.

LyingDogsLie1 · 25/11/2020 07:28

@SoupDragon

At 11 I'd be voting with my feet if there was a toddler in my bedroom!

What, would you move out and live alone? Don't be daft, at 11 you'd do as you ar told and get over it.

No, they would simply refuse to go to stay with their father.

In that case OP had better let an 11 year old dictate to them. I hear permissive, indulgent parenting yields great results.
SoupDragon · 25/11/2020 07:28

It's like the mumsnet stepmum bingo

To which you have just contributed.

CakeRequired · 25/11/2020 07:36

They can share for now, it's only temporary until you can get a bigger house. Explain that to them clearly and if they are as nice as you say, I'm sure they'll be fine with it.

Lovemusic33 · 25/11/2020 07:43

Of course it’s ok, your youngest dc needs their own space and not be in with you, for 4 days of the week they will get the bedroom to themselves and the other 2 get their room at their other parents house for 4 days a week. There’s not really much else you can do unless you give up your bedroom and buy a sofa bed but that seems silly for 3 days of the week.

Lots of people have to manage with kids sharing.