To think 3 children sharing will have to do for now

[GrubBug]

2DSC, 1 DC between us.

2DSC are 9&11, DC is nearing 3. All same sex.

We were hoping to be able to move before the need came but unfortunately that hasn't happened due to a few reasons and now Covid too on top putting some strain on finances.

So far, DC has been in our room. I no longer think this is viable.

DSC have second bedroom which is still a big double. It's enough room for their current arrangement which is two separate beds, floor space, dressers, TV, and seating (two pouffe).

My plan is to have one side with bunk beds for DSC and the other side with a toddler bunk (low down and space underneath for toys etc...). Also means there's no need to get rid of any of the other stuff in there so set up would be the same, only difference being bunks rather than separate.

DH is hesitating because DSC don't want bunk beds and don't want to share room.

I know it's not ideal but our child needs their own space now. We are likely not going to be able to move now for another 2-3 years.

AIBU to say it will have to do for now and put my foot down?

It's not fair imo to have a resident child in with us, having no space for their things just to avoid DSC having bunk beds for a couple of years.

DSC are good kids. They aren't kicking up a huge fuss just have made it known they don't like the idea. But I believe if explained to them properly why this is the case that they will get over it and be fine.

@VeniceQueen2004. I would, personally. But my response wouldn't be to parent their children, sorry as I would feel for them (unless they were being treated negligently, in which case I would step in). My response would be to end the relationship.

Maybe second partners become financially trapped (especially if they also have children with the lazy parent)? Otherwise, I'm as baffled as you are as to why they stay.

I think by marrying/settling down with a partner who has children, you take parental responsibility for those children. I am aware this is a highly unpopular view, especially with step-parents; but I just don't see why, in a world with millions of people in it, if it was that important to you not to get parentally involved with someone else's kids why you wouldn't just find someone who didn't have them. You know they have them, you know they are going to be in your life, if you are a decent person you want your presence in their life to be as positive as possible, not to try and wash your hands of it as much as possible

Since you value experience so much when forming an opinion, why don't you ask a step parent why they do it?

When you get involved with someone with children you don't expect them to need your help raising and looking after their own children, because they've been doing it without you for however long. You naturally just expect to be an add on in the child's life, rather than replacing the parent's role. I didn't expect to take on half of my partner's job, either, despite knowing he had one.

If it gets to the point where a step parent wants to "wash their hands" of ANY involvement with the step children, rather than just the heavy duty parental stuff they rightfully expected their partner to continue as they had always done before, it is usually because an unforeseen series of events has soured the relationship.

*Since you value experience so much when forming an opinion, why don't you ask a step parent why they do it?

When you get involved with someone with children you don't expect them to need your help raising and looking after their own children, because they've been doing it without you for however long. You naturally just expect to be an add on in the child's life, rather than replacing the parent's role. I didn't expect to take on half of my partner's job, either, despite knowing he had one.

If it gets to the point where a step parent wants to "wash their hands" of ANY involvement with the step children, rather than just the heavy duty parental stuff they rightfully expected their partner to continue as they had always done before, it is usually because an unforeseen series of events has soured the relationship.*

A job is not the same. This is like saying you expect your partner to keep doing all the vacuuming they were doing when you moved in as there is the same amount of house. You know, if houses had feelings.

You are there, your very presence is having an impact on the children/dust. As will any additional children you bring to the mix. I think adults owe it to children to make that impact positive, not just to try and minimise it as much as possible.

This is of course a personal view, based again on my experience as a stepchild. Because that's what I'm interested in, the experiences of the children who get caught up in these situations, not those of the adults who create them.

Venice, you have to put an asterisk at the start and end of every para to make it bold.

But can you honestly tell me you wouldn't be repulsed by a partner who behaved that way to their kids and to you? Why would anyone choose to knit their lot to a lazy parent?

I would personally, some of the stories I read on here from step parents about what their partners are like around care for their kids would be an absolute deal breaker for me, but I honestly think a lot of people stay because the absolute opposite of what you say is true. It is so ingrained in a lot of people's attitude, including their partners and posters on forums like this, that step parents should be falling over themselves to take on care and responsibility for their step children, that it's verging on indoctrination. People internalise the view that these expectations of them are normal and appropriate. I just read a comment from someone on another thread saying that she stayed in such a relationship for years because of the feedback on here telling her she was the problem for not being willing to take on all the care for her step children.

As for your comment about having a responsibility to ensure your role in their life is positive when you get together with someone with kids, why can your relationship with them not be positive without you behaving like a third parent? I still talk and interact with my step son warmly, I sit and play video games with him, I compassionately deal with the jealousy he sometimes displays towards my DD and I have conversations with him about his misgivings to do with moving between houses and his parents not being together, when he chooses to open up to me. Just this weekend I had him alone for two days because my partner needed to work and on this occasion we needed the income. But that doesn't mean I need to take on the bulk of the practical care for him or that my partner should just sit back and let me do it all.

But that doesn't mean I need to take on the bulk of the practical care for him or that my partner should just sit back and let me do it all.

Absolutely not. And I never said you should. My view is that if your partner wanted to do that (for your DSS or your DD), then you would rightly deem him a rubbish parent and ditch him.

I guess my thoughts are more - if you are making dinner for your DD, do you make it for your DSS as well or do you throw up your hands and say "he's your kid, you cook for him?" If you're taking DD to the playground, does husband have to come too if DSS is going? I'm sure not. This is the kind of thing I'm talking about.

And if it turned out your husband was a lazy arse who did nothing for your DD or DSS, then would you just do for your DD and leave DSS without? Again, I'm sure not. but plenty of people on here would say that's exactly what you should do, because your husband should 'step up'.

Personally, I would keep the toddler in our room and try everything you can to speed up a house move.

This is due to the disruption to the older children having to change quietly and sneak into beds at night because the toddler will already be there sleeping, not being able to use their room at night, possibly being disturbed by the toddler in the morning or during the night, the toddler potentially messing with the older kids stuff or the older kids stuff being unsafe for a toddler.

We wouldn't be using our room to chill out in evenings and would need to be up with the toddler anyway in the mornings or during any disturbed nights so this would be the best use of the available space instead of stuffing all the children and toys into one room while yours sits unused in the evenings. The toddlers toys can be in the living room with overflow in your fitted wardrobes.

For adult time together, you have 4 nights a week the older dc are not there, a toddler in bed and a whole house. Use your imagination!!

This!

I have a 3 year old, he gets up early, sometimes he wets the bed, sometimes he wakes in the night, it would be totally unfair to make a preteen sleep in the same room as him. He doesnt really need a room as he spends most of the time playing downstairs with me supervising. Why should your DSC have to deal with the loss of privacy and space just so you can have 'adult time', you chose to have a DC with someone who already has DC, you deal with the consequences.

ignoring all those off subject op - been racking brains for alternative ideas of beds -
look up murphy beds - they basically fold up into wall more deluxe versions have wardrobes/bookcases/desks/etc
www.customworldbedrooms.co.uk/bedrooms/children-bedrooms/
the above link is probably v expensive but you might be able to do a ikea hack especially if dh is good diy (think ideas - I am invested in this thread because I think you are trying to do your best & I would love to know how you work it out! )

My children (14&12) make a fuss at having to share a room with each other at their Dad's - I am unsympathetic and tell them they just have to deal with it! They aren't resident children at the house and spending time with their Dad is more important than where they sleep for those few nights a month.

@mumwon

ignoring all those off subject op - been racking brains for alternative ideas of beds - look up murphy beds - they basically fold up into wall more deluxe versions have wardrobes/bookcases/desks/etc www.customworldbedrooms.co.uk/bedrooms/children-bedrooms/ the above link is probably v expensive but you might be able to do a ikea hack especially if dh is good diy (think ideas - I am invested in this thread because I think you are trying to do your best & I would love to know how you work it out! )

Thanks MumWon

What about a bunk bed and a high sleeper with sofa underneath to create a den area? Littlest could sleep on the bottom on the bunk bed with older two in higher beds. Theres bunk beds with shelves that are nice and low to the ground plus they give DC a personal space each on their beds

That seems like a great idea to me. It gives the older dc their own personal spaces where the little one is not allowed, they can have shelves on the wall at the foot end of their bunk for some things. Plus when they're not there, the youngest can have 'full run' of the room without having to remember to stay off the others' beds etc.

@VeniceQueen2004 I'll let the subject go after this as it is becoming quite derailing and I don't want to annoy OP with it but yes if I were going to the park and DSS was coming I would expect DP to come, DSS is hard work on outings and I do expect him to deal with that.

You're describing instances where it is obviously no skin off the SMs back to do things for their SC, such as cooking for them whilst cooking for everybody else, whereas in reality when people complain about having to do things for their SC they are talking about things that ARE inconveniencing them. It is not unreasonable to reject that pattern.

If I was with somebody who wouldn't feed his kids if I didnt do it I would obviously leave them, not stick around and keep doing it so somebody would. That would be neglect. That's why people say the parent needs to step up rather than LTB when the partner is leaving it all to the SM, because presumably the parent is responsible enough to realise they will have to do it if nobody else is, and is just being lazy, rather than straight up neglectful.

If you're taking DD to the playground, does husband have to come too if DSS is going? I'm sure not. This is the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Why shouldn’t he come along? What’s the point in contact days if he’s not going to actually spend time with them?
I’d make a point of going with my own children and leave him to spend some time with his children if I was always left to take his kids out. Not always fun for us adults standing in a park, but why should he opt out and leave it all to his partner?

If you're taking DD to the playground, does husband have to come too if DSS is going? I'm sure not. This is the kind of thing I'm talking about

It would depend how often I were doing stuff like this alone. Every now and then? Yes I'd take DSS. If every time I wanted to go somewhere, DH refused to come so he could laze about at home whilst I took all the children, yes I'd feel put out and start refusing until he joined us.

Well I'm clearly in the minority and quite likely wrong. So I'll concede. Fortunately I'll never be a step parent so the issue won't arise. Those who are doing it are no doubt doing the best they can. Apols for the derail OP.

You can hang the edge of a blanket under the top bunk so it covers the bottom bunk, cutting out the glare of a light. Plenty of air comes through the end of the bunk.

I imagine your 3yo DC will be excited to be sleeping in the same bedroom as her older sisters. I am sure they won’t mind either, especially if they aren’t both relegated to the bunk bed while their sister has the single bed.

Over night thoughts! Could you have put you up little camp bed in your room let toddler go to sleep & lift dc up later to put in the other room? depends how deeply they sleep
That way they can use bedroom a little longer for study etc

If every time I wanted to go somewhere, DH refused to come so he could laze about at home whilst I took all the children, yes I'd feel put out and start refusing until he joined us.

And quite rightly so @GrubBug.