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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 3 children sharing will have to do for now

343 replies

GrubBug · 24/11/2020 21:35

2DSC, 1 DC between us.

2DSC are 9&11, DC is nearing 3. All same sex.

We were hoping to be able to move before the need came but unfortunately that hasn't happened due to a few reasons and now Covid too on top putting some strain on finances.

So far, DC has been in our room. I no longer think this is viable.

DSC have second bedroom which is still a big double. It's enough room for their current arrangement which is two separate beds, floor space, dressers, TV, and seating (two pouffe).

My plan is to have one side with bunk beds for DSC and the other side with a toddler bunk (low down and space underneath for toys etc...). Also means there's no need to get rid of any of the other stuff in there so set up would be the same, only difference being bunks rather than separate.

DH is hesitating because DSC don't want bunk beds and don't want to share room.

I know it's not ideal but our child needs their own space now. We are likely not going to be able to move now for another 2-3 years.

AIBU to say it will have to do for now and put my foot down?

It's not fair imo to have a resident child in with us, having no space for their things just to avoid DSC having bunk beds for a couple of years.

DSC are good kids. They aren't kicking up a huge fuss just have made it known they don't like the idea. But I believe if explained to them properly why this is the case that they will get over it and be fine.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
vanillandhoney · 25/11/2020 07:45

What, would you move out and live alone? Don't be daft, at 11 you'd do as you ar told and get over it.

No, the 11yo could just refuse to stay with her dad anymore. It's very common when new siblings arrive.

Crappyfridays7 · 25/11/2020 07:52

I’m sure they’d cope, my 9/10 & 15 year olds share a room 2 youngest are in bunk beds
That is difficult as my 15 year old really needs his own space - youngest is asd and it’s exam year. However they do make it work but it’s not always easy.

Make it fun, do their room up a bit and pull out all the positives maybe later bedtime or sleepovers together...
Can be done and your step kids sound like nice kids & as you say it won’t be forever. People are in much worse situations

Original poster
GrubBug · 25/11/2020 07:55

Re 11yr old DSC simply refusing to stay with us. I just don't think this would happen. Even if they didn't particularly want to, they wouldn't have much of s choice. Mum works nights on those days. They wouldn't get to just decide not to come, at least not until they were old enough to stay at their mums alone at which point we'd have likely mover anyway.

I'll look at a divider but my only concern is there is only on outside wall with one window meaning one side wouldn't have a window?

OP posts:
Nonamesavail · 25/11/2020 07:56

What about a sofa bed ?

Original poster
GrubBug · 25/11/2020 07:57

@Nonamesavail

What about a sofa bed ?
For who?
OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 25/11/2020 07:59

@andtheHossyourodeinon

At 11 I'd be voting with my feet if there was a toddler in my bedroom!

What, would you move out and live alone? Don't be daft, at 11 you'd do as you ar told and get over it.

OP, stop indulging. You don't have any other options, so just get on and do it. If they don't like it, tough luck.

No, I'd be staying with my mother Hmm

11 is old enough to decide contact arrangements, most courts would agree.

Ohalrightthen · 25/11/2020 07:59

Sofa bed for you!

Original poster
GrubBug · 25/11/2020 08:00

It's not an option for them to just stay with their mother. She has to go to work.

OP posts:
minisoksmakehardwork · 25/11/2020 08:02

Can you compromise with dc sleeping in the room on the nights your step dc aren't there, but sleeping in your room when they are?

Bunk beds are a great idea when space is limited. I have an 8 and 12 year old dds sharing bunk beds, have done since youngest was 5, simply because if they want to space to chill in their room, it was the only option. It's not ideal. But they make it work. It's not like you're asking step dc to share bunk with the toddler.

WingingWonder · 25/11/2020 08:02

It’s not just a bedroom though it’s their space and that’s not somewhere you can go with a 3yo
I’d expect they’d start to visit less and feel pushed out by the little one as your joint child
Ask them what they think?
For now little one states in with you ... why is that any worse than all life in together?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 25/11/2020 08:03

I dont see the issue . They are there 3 nights a week but regardless of that , if they were not step children, many families have 3 children 24/7 and you have no other solution.
Of course some people will tell you that you should be sleeping in the lounge. Hilarious.

andtheHossyourodeinon · 25/11/2020 08:04

No, I'd be staying with my mother

You wouldn't, unless your mother wanted that too, which doesnt sound like the case. 11 year olds do as they are told and share rooms if it suits the adults.

Ohalrightthen · 25/11/2020 08:05

@GrubBug

It's not an option for them to just stay with their mother. She has to go to work.
The big one is old enough to decide he doesn't want to stay with you, and to have his feelings taken into account. She can't force him, she'd just have to sort something out.

If i were you I'd be getting a sofa bed for the living room, sleeping there when your DSCs are with you, and prioritize moving.

LyingDogsLie1 · 25/11/2020 08:06

@Ohalrightthen

Sofa bed for you!
Really Confused
Ohalrightthen · 25/11/2020 08:08

@lyingdogslie1 yes! OP and her DP are the ones who decided to have a child they didn't have room for, it is absolutely unfair of them to expect a pair of preteens to share with a toddler. Tiny sticky hands in all their things, waking up at 6am, not able to hang out in their own room at night, no space to themselves... none of this is reasonable.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 25/11/2020 08:09

OP do what is right for your family and best not listen to the step child fan club on here . Step children is a red herring .you have 3 sisters that need to share a bedroom until you can afford to move .happens in millions of families , and children should not rule the roost in my opinion.

Original poster
GrubBug · 25/11/2020 08:09

With respect, the big one is still a child and doesn't get to unilaterally decide they aren't doing something i.e. staying with their dad when their mum needs to go to work. That may be shocking to you but they do as they are told by their parents.

I know their mum very well actually and I know she wouldn't allow them to just decide not to come and mess her around with work.

OP posts:
andtheHossyourodeinon · 25/11/2020 08:11

Sofa bed for you!

Oh shut up! What planet are you on?

tinkiiev · 25/11/2020 08:12

Of course it's fine for them to share! Can't believe all the answers saying it isn't! Could put the two littles in the bunk bed (three year old on bottom bunk obvs) so the 11 year old can have a bit more of his/her own "zone"?

LyingDogsLie1 · 25/11/2020 08:14

[quote Ohalrightthen]@lyingdogslie1 yes! OP and her DP are the ones who decided to have a child they didn't have room for, it is absolutely unfair of them to expect a pair of preteens to share with a toddler. Tiny sticky hands in all their things, waking up at 6am, not able to hang out in their own room at night, no space to themselves... none of this is reasonable.[/quote]
There are children living in far worse conditions that aren’t considered neglected. Stop being so melodramatic. Not everyone can have a perfect set up. Plenty have to make do and do perfectly well.

nannybeach · 25/11/2020 08:15

Some of these posts, my DKs, SKs pretty much always shared bedrooms, (till one grew up and left home)had a child they have no room for!! Honestly, they had 2 bedrooms, we couldn't afford the magic third where we lived in Surrey, we divided rooms, yes, then we did move to a cheaper area, we did have 3 bedrooms, but they were a hell of a lot smaller than the 2 previous. An 11 year old is also old enough to know Mum has to go to work, someone else looks after you, tough,you cannot always have what you want in this life.

RedskyAtnight · 25/11/2020 08:19

The 11 year old is at the awkward age where they are moving from child to teen. So what is ok now, might not be something they are happier with in a year or 2.

Does the 11 year old have somewhere private they can go? They will soon need a quiet space for study and will want to out of the main family room chatting to their friends. Plus teenage hormones will kick in and they will not be happy at being woken up when toddler does.

I totally accept you clearly have no alternative, however you should look to minimise the length of time that this arrangement is in place.

seashellseashell123 · 25/11/2020 08:21

@SoupDragon

It's like the mumsnet stepmum bingo

To which you have just contributed.

Yes to highlight the batshittery from the first wives/bitter ex's brigade who like making ridiculous comments about pandering to step children. It's about time people were called out on it a bit more on MN.

Children don't matter any less because they were born later or because they have step siblings.

lunar1 · 25/11/2020 08:21

Does the 11 year old have space of their own anywhere for homework etc? It's not a great age gap for siblings sharing. The older ones lost access to their room and things once the toddler goes to bed.

I would look at partitioning the room if possible. My 12 year old had anywhere between 1.5-2 hours of homework a night, more on weekends.

Jobsharenightmare · 25/11/2020 08:23

YANBU OP.

But we ended up with the oldest not coming to stay any longer until we moved to a bigger house years later. By this time the eldest was of the age it wasn't normal to stay EOW anyway so it meant eldest came once every few months after not coming for years. In my opinion it has hurt their relationship but in your situation I'm not sure what you can do.