To think 3 children sharing will have to do for now

[GrubBug]

2DSC, 1 DC between us.

2DSC are 9&11, DC is nearing 3. All same sex.

We were hoping to be able to move before the need came but unfortunately that hasn't happened due to a few reasons and now Covid too on top putting some strain on finances.

So far, DC has been in our room. I no longer think this is viable.

DSC have second bedroom which is still a big double. It's enough room for their current arrangement which is two separate beds, floor space, dressers, TV, and seating (two pouffe).

My plan is to have one side with bunk beds for DSC and the other side with a toddler bunk (low down and space underneath for toys etc...). Also means there's no need to get rid of any of the other stuff in there so set up would be the same, only difference being bunks rather than separate.

DH is hesitating because DSC don't want bunk beds and don't want to share room.

I know it's not ideal but our child needs their own space now. We are likely not going to be able to move now for another 2-3 years.

AIBU to say it will have to do for now and put my foot down?

It's not fair imo to have a resident child in with us, having no space for their things just to avoid DSC having bunk beds for a couple of years.

DSC are good kids. They aren't kicking up a huge fuss just have made it known they don't like the idea. But I believe if explained to them properly why this is the case that they will get over it and be fine.

As I've said a few times about partitioning, I'd do that but it leaves one side without a window.

They'd still have to have bunk beds as well.

For goodness sake, put all 3 together. You have two bedrooms there is no choice. Its utterly ridiculous that the adults give up their room and sleep on a sofa bed for 3 nights. If they were full siblings they would be expected to share.

We have had 3 in one room for years and they are fine, 6 year old only goes in his room to sleep and the older 2 teens are quite happy and have been fine for years. They've not decided not to come over.

Its being made into something it doesn't need to be.

And I'd the 11 year old decides she doesn't want to share with their sibling, should op move both herself and the toddler into the living room so the older ones can have a room each or else they'll refuse to come and they didn't ask for their father to shack up with a woman who could only afford a 2 bed?

What of they suggest a family holiday suitable for all 3 but the older ones want something more grown up, should op not take the toddler in case they refuse to come again?

Yeah it sucks sharing with a little one, but it clearly isn't forever, it wasn't by design and sometimes being a family means compromise. It won't harm the kids to know that right now, this is the compromise.

In the circumstances, what else can you do? DScs will just have to lump it. It’s not as though it’s every night of the week.

Also, you can get bunk beds that are full size singles, so that need not be a problem. My elder Gdcs have those.

what does your dh propose you do?
instead of objecting he could come up with a solution.

For goodness sake, it's three nights a week and it's temporary for a year or two until they can move house. By the time 11 year old is 13 chances are they'll have a new house and bedroom anyway. OP sounds like a sensible person who will no doubt understand the need to balance the older children's need for toddler free time with her toddler actually getting space to sleep. The older two have rooms at their mum's, they have beds and space for their stuff at their dad's, they're also temporarily going to have their younger sibling in with them due to circumstances out of anyone's control. Hardly going to damage them for life

I'm just looking online, there are some pretty good 3 bunks. Would leave a more floor space too for desk etc... Will show DH.

I think you can be firm about bunk beds and get some good ones. Thousands of teens have cabin beds so they’re not too old if you get a decent set. I think partitioning would be much better even if it means no window. We’ve got a room with no window and it is still really bright.

They’ll be on such different schedules it’ll be rubbish for them being stuck with a 3 year old, sneaking into bed trying to not wake them up etc.

My friend had three daughters sharing for years. It was fine. They had to be imaginative about space and how they gave attention, but they managed it.

God some of the responses on this thread are so tired and predictable.

Of course the OP should not move onto a sofa bed. What a ridiculous suggestion.

Op, it will be fine. Your SC sound lovely and your relationship good with the mother. If your DP is suffering with guilt, that's tough you cannot let that override doing the right thing by your own daughter.

The main thing is how you approach it. Sit down with your SC and explain this needs to be done, it's only temporary and ask for their help designing a good solution.

The topic of study area is a valid one - could you have a pulldown desk in a a partitioned area of the living room or your own bedroom where the eldest is told is theirs for two hours of the day?

Could the 3yo sleep in your room on the nights the DSC are there, but in the children’s room on the other 4 nights? Each child to have distinctive bedding, washed before moving, or perhaps a folding bed for the little one.

Personally, I would keep the toddler in our room and try everything you can to speed up a house move.

This is due to the disruption to the older children having to change quietly and sneak into beds at night because the toddler will already be there sleeping, not being able to use their room at night, possibly being disturbed by the toddler in the morning or during the night, the toddler potentially messing with the older kids stuff or the older kids stuff being unsafe for a toddler.

We wouldn't be using our room to chill out in evenings and would need to be up with the toddler anyway in the mornings or during any disturbed nights so this would be the best use of the available space instead of stuffing all the children and toys into one room while yours sits unused in the evenings. The toddlers toys can be in the living room with overflow in your fitted wardrobes.

For adult time together, you have 4 nights a week the older dc are not there, a toddler in bed and a whole house. Use your imagination!!

My sister and I had bunk beds until I left home for university I still slept in top bunk during the holidays they were wooden full size singles perfectly ok for adults my parents still have them 30 years on and my DD sleeps there when we stay and my niece and nephew do when they stay they have proper 6" deep mattresses and are very comfy still, as adults

So just get proper bunk beds not ones for children and it will be fine

Your DSC can use kitchen dining table for homework after toddler is in bed if necessary or can use bedroom for homework straight after school and you keep toddler downstairs, if you have space a garden shed could be a socialising den for older kids and even getting a cable for lights and a heater would be much cheaper than moving

I think it's fine, there aren't any other realistic options. 11 isn't too old for a bunk bed as long as you can get a good sized sturdy one. I shared a 3 bed bunk bed until I moved out and yes it wasn't ideal but it wasn't bad. Is there anything specific they don't like about having bunk beds?

@contrmary

There's no way an eleven year old should be sharing with a three year old. It is a perfect opportunity for sexual abuse. It's perhaps OK for the nine and eleven year olds to share, but the age gap is too big for the three year old.

Could you give your room to your child and sleep on the sofa when the step children are around, and use their room when they're absent?

Oh Christ alive you can't be serious

@contrmary

There's no way an eleven year old should be sharing with a three year old. It is a perfect opportunity for sexual abuse. It's perhaps OK for the nine and eleven year olds to share, but the age gap is too big for the three year old.

Could you give your room to your child and sleep on the sofa when the step children are around, and use their room when they're absent?

Get help.

There's no way an eleven year old should be sharing with a three year old. It is a perfect opportunity for sexual abuse

What in the actual fuck is wrong with you?

No. There is no concern that my lovely 11 year old DSC is going to sexually abuse my toddler!!

Wtf?

People are mental on threads like these!
Parents should sleep on a sofa bed
Resident child should sleep in parents room while step siblings stay there

I've honestly heard it all. Where would the consistency and routine be for the resident child, to be moved about because siblings are staying?!

The only logical suggestion is that all 3 share a room that is big enough for them all.
Is there any way a desk could be put into the living room for the older kids to do homework?
And how straightforward would bedtime be? Older kids might like to read or chill out in their room before bed, how will that work with toddler in bed already?

@contrmary
Maybe you should tell the government this as they have pushed the idea of not paying for age gap same sex siblings in housing benefit? It would be a great argument if there was any truth in it (re same sex up to 16 sharing room)
Honestly some people!
Any chance op of building small conservatory? this could be used for extra play space or study & would add value to house? You would need a heater in winter?

The topic of study area is a valid one - could you have a pulldown desk in a a partitioned area of the living room or your own bedroom where the eldest is told is theirs for two hours of the day?

I was also going to suggest that in place of the toddler's bed in your room - put a desk there so that the older children have somewhere quiet to do homework in the evenings when you're not in there. They can also 'hang out' in your room while you're not in there (maybe put a tv in there if you don't have one already)?

I think under the circumstances, that's what I'd do. They all share a room to sleep but your room can also be extra spill over space for them when you're not using it.

@contrmary

There's no way an eleven year old should be sharing with a three year old. It is a perfect opportunity for sexual abuse. It's perhaps OK for the nine and eleven year olds to share, but the age gap is too big for the three year old.

Could you give your room to your child and sleep on the sofa when the step children are around, and use their room when they're absent?

And if they have a 3 bed they could go in there to abuse their sibling so presumably little one should be in work parents until older ones move out. But then their Dad could abuse them all too so perhaps they should all be locked in their individual room's at night and only op have the key.

I don’t get why there’s not enough room for a three years olds “space” in a parents bedroom but suddenly will be in a room with two others that’s smaller.

The three year old is too young to know any different and wouldn’t be playing unsupervised anyway so surely toys etc can go downstairs.

Then I’d plough everything into moving as quickly as possible rather than years away as by then you may as well stay as the older ones won’t be coming over as much in their teens.

Where would the consistency and routine be for the resident child, to be moved about because siblings are staying?! Second family children matter less. If she'd wanted get child to be important, she should have had one with solstice who was childless. Obviously