To be annoyed at other women’s responses on changing my name when I got married

[Footywidow]

I took my husband’s name when I married. My DH couldn’t of given a shit what my name was but I’ve always liked the idea of my family all having the same name and I have no heritage with my name (DM changed it by deed poll so I’m not actually blood related to anybody with that name). I just preferred DH’s name and it went better with what we wanted to call our children.

Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband.

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights but surely the whole point is that we have the freedom to choose what name we want and not just having to change our name because it’s expected.

I just find it so strange that other women get so worked up about someone’s decision about their own name which is so personal when they themselves have chosen it.

@AmadeustheAlpaca

My daughter received a lot of rude comments when she married and changed her name to that of her husband. A number of the comments were from women (it was always women) who are in long term partnerships and unlikely to get married. I think a lot of these types of comments are due to jealousy and the person who makes them may be unlikely to marry as they are clearly rude and unpleasant. Mind you, there are plenty of obnoxious married people around, can’t deny it.......

I'm 52 and have always kept the name that is on my BC. And it has fuck all to do with jealousy. Getting married is not the career aspiration you seem to think it is.

AmadeustheAlpaca

" A number of the comments were from women (it was always women) who are in long term partnerships and unlikely to get married. I think a lot of these types of comments are due to jealousy and the person who makes them may be unlikely to marry as they are clearly rude and unpleasant."

LOL at the idea that wanting to keep your own name is driven by jealousy on the part of "unpleasant" women who are unlikely to marry.

We've clearly come a long way since the days of Jane Austen. Not.

@CandidaAlbicans2

Your mums maiden name is a patriname as it came from your grandad (derived from a male). However if you took it and passed it on to daughter it would become matrilineal (down the female line) which I think is quite lovely.

@TatianaBis is a bit mixed up with definitions though I think she means well. Of course the radical thing to do would be to adopt a matriname (a brand new named derived from a woman) and pass it on to children instead of DH name (so matrilineal) but would mean forgoing my identity with my name so I’m out on that one!

I have been married twice and took my husbands name both times.

The first time simply because I wanted to and liked the name, the second time because I didn’t want to be married to DH2 and be called Mrs DH1 and have a reminder of my first marriage constantly with me.

As such, I have had 3 different surnames in my life. To me my name is simply a matter of administrative convenience, something to write on my driving licence and bank card. It doesn’t define me as a person or mean I am “owned” by a man. Really, it doesn’t matter what your called as long as you’re happy with it.

We've clearly come a long way since the days of Jane Austen. Not.

Nah, Jane Austen was being ironic ...

The 'women are nasty jealous harridans who nobody wants to marry' are straight out of the ark and precede Austen by millennia. But they certainly earn that poster a saucer of milk

MarieIVanArkleStinks

YANBU. It is your decision, and bonds you with your DH.

* Every married woman I know have taken their husbands name. Maybe that's the circles I live in but I find it weird that they are saying that. It's lovely to share your name with the whole family.*

It’s not the case that I don’t know anyone who didn’t take their DH’s surname, but the vast majority did do that. I guess it really does depend on the circles we move in.

It didn’t occur to me not to take my DH’s surname, but then I didn’t like my maiden name (my F was abusive, so that wasn’t really surprising).

[quote TheNanny23]@CandidaAlbicans2

Your mums maiden name is a patriname as it came from your grandad (derived from a male). However if you took it and passed it on to daughter it would become matrilineal (down the female line) which I think is quite lovely.

@TatianaBis is a bit mixed up with definitions though I think she means well. Of course the radical thing to do would be to adopt a matriname (a brand new named derived from a woman) and pass it on to children instead of DH name (so matrilineal) but would mean forgoing my identity with my name so I’m out on that one![/quote]
@TheNanny23

I haven’t mixed up anything. I conflated matriarchal inheritance (name and line) initially because it’s complex culturally and linguistically and you were already struggling with the basic concept that U.K. surnames are male names.

Matrilineal heritage is inextricably linked to matriarchal culture and/or matriarchal aspects of a patriarchy - because name and descent follows inheritance, proprietorship and racial identity (the matrilineal transmission of Jewish racial identity for eg.)

So you can’t make a patrilineal descent matrilineal simply by passing a patronym onto a DD via the mother.

To give an example McDonald = son (mac) of Donald/ Dòmhnall and there is also a clan Donald. Giving a DD the name MacDonald via the mother does not makes it matrilineal. DD is still named after a male ancestor.

It didn’t occur to me not to take my DH’s surname, but then I didn’t like my maiden name (my F was abusive, so that wasn’t really surprising).

So was mine. Oddly enough it was my brother who once seriously considered adopting our mother's family name to avoid all association with our violent, alcoholic father. When we discussed it I said I preferred to keep our name, wear it with pride and hopefully do something more positive with it than he did. It was my lovely mother's name too, before it was mine, and it's the origins of who I am for better or worse. I'm also quietly proud of having overcome those origins to achieve a decent life for myself and break the cycle of abuse although, of course, no one but me needs to know that.

The fact that it's on my degree certificates and publications is a small consideration by comparison, but it's there. Having put in that amount of work and received recognition for it, the last thing I'm going to do is divorce myself from that in any way.

I'll always be MyName. It's the name I came into the world with, and it will be the name on my headstone. And no matter how often I'm addressed as Mrs Hisname, it's is not going to change that.

@RegularHumanBartender

Nicely said MarielVanArkleStinks.

The basic right to our own name is not too much to ask. Try telling that to the snippy extended family who consider that a threat and persist in addressing me as Mrs Hisname. Some people just can't stand it when a woman makes any form of assertion of independence or independent thinking. I wonder why

^^ This rings very true. The amount of people who insist on addressing me as Mrs Hisname is staggering. No matter how many times I tell them that isn't my name. People really don't like it.

It isn’t my experience that people really don’t like. My name hasn’t changed in the course of two marriages and nobody’s expressed any like or dislike. It’s a complete non issue.

Oh, apart from people calling the bloke “Mr Detective”, he doesn’t bother correcting them any more, just smiles and nods.

This is a really great thread!

Re: the label “feminist”. Anyone that knows me surely knows I support and demand equal rights for men and women.

In my opinion, the feminist movement in the US has been very rich, educated, white women centric. Reason number one I don’t use the label. I also feel it is not something we can agree everyone understands the exact same way. You only have to read this thread to see that. When asked if I’m a feminist I’ll ask the person querying to give their definition then answer based on that.

(I don’t know much about the movement in the UK, so wanted to be clear about that.)

Whats so much better about having your fathers name? especially when you dont have particularly fond feelings towards him and you obviously do towards the person you are marrying. Its a personal decision.

@TatianaBis

For a name to be matrilineal it would only take one instance of being named for the mother

Simply passing your father’s surname to your kids rather than your husband’s does not make the name matrilineal

The distinction between matriname and matrlineal is correct.

I conflated matriarchal inheritance (name and line)

All above quotes from you- contradicting each other!

Oh my lord...the cheek saying I’m struggling to understand basic concepts. I acknowledge UK names are patrinames- that has no bearing on whether they are matrilineal or patrilineal in the future! That’s what you can’t get.

I’m going to make this my last post as I think you need to get yourself straight really and there’s no point arguing with a brick wall, but please spot spouting misleading and incorrect information.

Thanks 👍🏼

@MustardMitt

Really? Where do you live that you don’t know anyone who has taken their husbands name? Are you sure it’s not because you proclaim yourself ‘not a feminist’ with seemingly no idea what feminism is?

She didn't say that . Big leap there.

OP, YANBU . And you are right in your understanding of feminism. You made your choice and that's the whole point.

No they don’t contradict each other you just haven’t understood the points.

For a name to be matrilineal it would only take one instance of being named for the mother

Ie. to set up matriarchal descent within your family it would only take one instance of being named for the mother - ie matriname which is then passed matrilineally.

Passing a patronym maternally is not the same thing.

I really am very confused to why so many here seem extremely attached to their last name and who seem to think that just changing it would eradicate all their accomplishments and achievements.

To me I see my individuality as something much more then what my last name is. My last name does not define who I am. To me having the same name as fiancé once we marry (we will double barrel with my name coming first) symbolizes that though I am still an individual we are now also one unit, one team etc

Some people mention name recognition within the career etc but surely this is only a concern for maybe the top 5% in their fields etc men or women. I doubt anyone at my fiancé's admin job will lose their mind and think omg where has Mr X gone someone find Mr X just because he is Mr Y-X

@Wheresmykimchi

Nope. Her understanding of feminism, and yours, is inadequate. Unless you think women 'choosing' to cut their daughters' genitals off is feminist. Culture and patriarchy make no choice unfettered.

we will double barrel with my name coming first

Meaningless. You’re really just adding a middle name which won’t be used. So many people say they’ll double-barrel to rail against the patriarchal tradition and yet by the time the child starts school it’s down to one name- the fathers.

As someone said upthread - the least you can do is own your decision.

@OllyBJolly it's short enough for both to be used. Mine is only 2 syllables and his is one. But I also really don't get this obsession that the last name is somehow the main or sole component of a persons identity

[quote toconclude]@Wheresmykimchi

Nope. Her understanding of feminism, and yours, is inadequate. Unless you think women 'choosing' to cut their daughters' genitals off is feminist. Culture and patriarchy make no choice unfettered.[/quote]
Comparing a mother endorsing FGM against her daughter to a privileged woman in a western country changing her name.

I was under the impression that the OP was concerned about people being nasty to her because she’d taken her husband’s name and the thread seems to now be about the rights and wrongs of taking/not taking your husband’s names and feminism. I think that the OP probably couldn’t care less about other peoples thoughts on her marital status she just wants them to stop being nasty to her. If women aren’t bothered about getting married, why are there so many endless threads from women bemoaning the fact that their long term boyfriends won’t marry them. Why are these the types of women who bitch at my daughter for changing her name. People become jealous of others for all sorts of reasons, it’s naive to think that we are all cool and modern and some women ARE desperate to marry despite their protests. The same goes for some men.

I was under the impression that the OP was concerned about people being nasty to her because she’d taken her husband’s name and the thread seems to now be about the rights and wrongs of taking/not taking your husband’s names and feminism. I think that the OP probably couldn’t care less about other peoples thoughts on her marital status she just wants them to stop being nasty to her

And you might well be under an impression...and think the OP, because they have been very coy indeed about the circumstances of the alleged rudeness by other women.

Any other thread about a neighbour/OH/teacher would have had posters queuing up to ask for instances of the alleged behaviour so they could judge. Not here.

OP sounds like a lazy journalist looking for copy.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Interestingly enough, my DM wants to repudiate my F's name; she's asked to be buried under her maiden name rather than her married name. I guess it's as close as she can come to divorcing my F posthumously (he died 22 years ago).

It wasn't just the past that made me dislike my 'maiden name', however (why do we still call it that, I wonder?). It also led to me being bullied in school because it was so clearly Eastern European. This was during the Cold War and there was a lot of prejudice, my F used to be accused of being a Russian spy because of his Eastern European accent.

People also used to continually spell it wrong, too; looking back, I think that in a lot of cases that was deliberate too.