To be annoyed at other women’s responses on changing my name when I got married

[Footywidow]

I took my husband’s name when I married. My DH couldn’t of given a shit what my name was but I’ve always liked the idea of my family all having the same name and I have no heritage with my name (DM changed it by deed poll so I’m not actually blood related to anybody with that name). I just preferred DH’s name and it went better with what we wanted to call our children.

Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband.

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights but surely the whole point is that we have the freedom to choose what name we want and not just having to change our name because it’s expected.

I just find it so strange that other women get so worked up about someone’s decision about their own name which is so personal when they themselves have chosen it.

Can't speak for the OP, but I can acknowledge and appreciate the work of the Suffragettes and be appreciative of my opportunities as well as support some of the core values of feminism, but ultimately it's my choice what I identify as to the external world. Women supporting the ideologies of feminism without using that label specifically aren't the problem IMO.

Sorry clicked post...I hope I have cleared up that misunderstanding for you 👍🏼

@thepeopleversuswork I think part of the problem is that the label 'feminist' has been highjacked by a very certain branch of the feminist movement that seem to equate all men as demons (especial if straight and white), see it as the obligation of every woman to keep her maiden name, see it the obligation of every woman to focus on her own careers, her own success, who think that in fact it is not enough that we are equal to men but that we should get preferential treatment etc. They bully women from one set of roles that they had to conform to ones that they want to impose rather then it being about choice. It is women like that who make other women who choose to stay at home and look after the home and children as something to be ashamed of.

I want both women and men to have the same rights but this type of behaviour by some makes some women uncomfortable using the same lable etc

@berrygirlie

Can't speak for the OP, but I can acknowledge and appreciate the work of the Suffragettes and be appreciative of my opportunities as well as support some of the core values of feminism, but ultimately it's my choice what I identify as to the external world. Women supporting the ideologies of feminism without using that label specifically aren't the problem IMO.

Well... up to a point.

Obviously people can identify as they see fit and no one can stop that.

But part of the reason why a lot of people shy away from feminism is because they simply don't understand what it means and associate it with a shrill and very militant branch of the women's movement.

You can argue that some feminists have fuelled this but this is a moot point now. Feminism is actually very mainstream: it is increasingly legally protected and should be embedded into everything we do.

We will only normalise it as a concept if its embraced by ordinary men and women. In particular by women who love men and choose to live with them but want to have more agency over their lives. And by men who understand that it helps them have a more fulfilling relationship and enables their wives, partners and daughters to feel better about themselves.

If we brush it under the carpet as a slightly scary word to be used by academics and activists at the fringes of society we're not really helping ourselves.

Women's rights and freedoms should not be a marginal topic. They should be absolutely at the heart of everything and we should be proud of the fact that we've achieved what we have so far.

@TheNanny23

Sorry clicked post...I hope I have cleared up that misunderstanding for you 👍🏼

The distinction between matriname and matrlineal is correct.

However your surname remains a patriname and patrilineal. It remains your male forebears name you pass onto your DD.

To pass on a matriname matrilineally you’d have to invent a new surname and pass it to your daughter.

We live in a society that his historically patriarchal. It is not un-feminist to acknowledge that, one could equally argue it’s militantly feminist to do so.

I took my husband's name when I got married. i have friends who have kept their original name, hyphenated with their husband, or in one case combined the names to create a whole new one. Entirely up to you and what suits. I was not vastly attached to my original name anyway. One of those things where it is no one else's business but your own.

@thepeopleversuswork I agree with what you've said and feminism shouldn't be brushed under the carpet. But similarly I think I can support equal rights and still not want to support a movement that has strong contrasting extremes (e.g. like you've mentioned above, where there are extreme "hijackers" who often act as the forefront of feminism within various media bubbles). Not to suggest that this is what feminism is by any means, but it's a personal preference what people identify as IMO. I'm appreciative of the capacity feminism has provided for me and will continue to do my bit to help with equal rights, but I don't need to use the term of feminism to do so (as my own personal preference, not a commentary on feminism or other people's choices).

I get this but the opposite- I kept my maiden name. It's almost like the name isn't the issue but being female is!

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights but surely the whole point is that we have the freedom to choose what name we want and not just having to change our name because it’s expected

Hate the start of this sentence. Wanting equality IS being a feminist. Why is this misunderstood!

As for the name, as above, your choice! The point of feminism is to gain equality, and choice.

...Simply passing your father’s surname to your kids rather than your husband’s does not make the name matrilineal
I (think I) get it, @TatianaBis. I’ve contemplated changing my surname to my late Mum’s maiden name (because my late Dad wasn’t really emotionally part of my life since I was around 5, and my Mum divorced him when I was 11. He was then also pretty much physically absent too). But Mum’s surname would have been passed to her by her (rather unpleasant, domineering) father, my granddad. So it’s still patrilineal, and the only way I could change that fact is to make up a completely new surname that was personal to me. If I then had children and passed my new surname on to them despite being married the line becomes matrilineal. Is that correct?

I find the label is now more infamous as a very extreme view. For me it’s the same thing as saying that you believe in doing something to combat climate change but you don’t support extinction rebellion.

I agree that it’s odd just how many women find themselves making the very empowered choice to take their husbands name, and yet so few men make that same choice to take their wives name. So many are arguing that it’s nothing at all to do with the patriarchal tradition of the ownership of women being passed from man to man. But if it’s really nothing to do with that why aren’t more couples deciding that both of them will take the woman’s name upon marriage?

Exactly @Lindtballsrock. They can argue that although marriage used to be about being the property of a man it no longer applies and that it’s just a tradition with no sinister connotations in today’s society. Yet when we look at the numbers of women who are murdered by their male ex partners when they dare to end the relationship (“you’re MINE and if I can’t have you no-one can”) it seems the ownership attitude is still simmering below the surface. We need to challenge this as much as possible and what easier way to do that than to keep our birth names upon marriage. It’s a small part within the larger picture. Traditions are fascinating, but some need to die out and be consigned to history.

What a load of bollocks. Remind them that they have their father’s name (probably) anyway.

My daughter received a lot of rude comments when she married and changed her name to that of her husband. A number of the comments were from women (it was always women) who are in long term partnerships and unlikely to get married. I think a lot of these types of comments are due to jealousy and the person who makes them may be unlikely to marry as they are clearly rude and unpleasant. Mind you, there are plenty of obnoxious married people around, can’t deny it.......

berrygirlie

I kind of get that. And I understand why people are reluctant to be pigeonholed in any particular way.

But I think you have to see it in the context of the advances women have made in society over the past 100 years. These have happened because of feminism: its not just the Pankhursts throwing themselves underneath horses or Germaine Greer's antics but the slowing chipping away of a set of assumptions about male entitlement and privilege which have been brought down by feminism.

We may not have everything we want in society but we've made massive advances by standing up for ourselves and this has hugely benefited most women in society in a way that many of them don't appreciate.

Your right not to be raped by your husband, for example. Your right to open a bank account without your husband's prior written approval. Your right to inherit property and not to be summarily sacked at work because you're pregnant. These things have happened as a direct result of feminism.

And when people turn around and say "I'll have some of those equal rights, please, but don't ask me to identify myself with feminism", it makes me think, actually no, not good enough.

You don't have to be strident and shrill about it and you don't have to be an activist or embrace the wilder fringes of feminism. You should be free to get married and take your husband's name, of course if you choose to do so. But if you want the benefits you have to step up and own it a bit.

I don't think its good enough really for women today to say they'll have this embarrassed, a la carte, half-in half-out approach to women's rights: the fruits of the labour without at least nominal recognition of how this was achieved.

If you don't acknowledge yourself as a feminist you are in part complicit in preventing other women from making these advances.

I changed my name. Because my maiden name caused me years of cringing and embarrassment, it sounds like a swear word!

Oh and no one commented on it. I think they all knew! :D

I do not accept that any woman's name is on loan to her from a man. Yes, that's in spite of the patriarchal naming system.

My name is my name. It isn't my 'maiden' (Ugh! that term is worse than the system it derives from); nor is it my married name. It's mine.

I wasn't about to relinquish my entire identity and family background because I'd chosen to commit to one man for life. The commitment on its own is enough. Incidentally I've achieved more professional and public recognition under the family name that's been mine since birth than my father ever did. When a woman makes that kind of statement it's perceived as arrogance in a way it wouldn't be for a man; nevertheless it's a statement of fact.

The basic right to our own name is not too much to ask. Try telling that to the snippy extended family who consider that a threat and persist in addressing me as Mrs Hisname. Some people just can't stand it when a woman makes any form of assertion of independence or independent thinking. I wonder why?

I don't think its good enough really for women today to say they'll have this embarrassed, a la carte, half-in half-out approach to women's rights: the fruits of the labour without at least nominal recognition of how this was achieved.
If you don't acknowledge yourself as a feminist you are in part complicit in preventing other women from making these advances.

I don't agree with this @thepeopleversuswork. I am grateful for the opportunities awarded by feminism and don't by any means seek to eradicate or ignore them, but I prefer not to politicize or box myself into a cause to support the idea (in a similar vein to the fact that I'm bisexual but I don't really align myself with fitting into the LGBTQ+ sphere). I don't understand how that would make me "complicit in preventing other women from making these advances". Other women should always have the capacity to make advances and express their beliefs, and I will try to support them in doing that, but I don't need to identify using the word feminist in order to do that.

(Just my own beliefs though, I reiterate, and a personal preference0.

I agree, in most cases you are swapping one man’s name (your father’s) for another man’s name (your husband’s). At least you choose your husband (in most cases anyway!)

This makes zero sense. If my name belongs to my father, why does my husbands' name belong to him and not his father? Can only men own and pass on surnames?

This is a goady bollocks thread anyway.

Nicely said MarielVanArkleStinks.

The basic right to our own name is not too much to ask. Try telling that to the snippy extended family who consider that a threat and persist in addressing me as Mrs Hisname. Some people just can't stand it when a woman makes any form of assertion of independence or independent thinking. I wonder why

^^ This rings very true. The amount of people who insist on addressing me as Mrs Hisname is staggering. No matter how many times I tell them that isn't my name. People really don't like it.

I've been married for almost 40yrs and I don't think I've ever had a single person commenting on or asking about my name. Anyone who didn't know us before will have no idea if we have my name or his name, which is exactly as it should be. It's noones business what name you have.

Excellent post, @thepeopleversuswork !

How bizarre OP! I thought it was standard practice to take husband's name. I liked my husband's name so much, I changed mine to his by Deed Poll around 4 years before we actually got married.

@Mistymonday

I agree, in most cases you are swapping one man’s name (your father’s) for another man’s name (your husband’s). At least you choose your husband (in most cases anyway!).

It's not my father's name. It's mine, and has been since it was put on my BC. I didn't borrow it from him, I don't have to give it back to him. We have the same name, that's all.